50K for 50th bday

I have so much to say, but no desire to say it. I'm in delusion about the "changes" I make. Delusion about how much of this and that. Obsessed with plans and numbers. 

But when it comes to actually fixing M3 and habits, well, it's more delusion I guess. Things just ain't changing. 

My mind looks for ways out. Last night it was our anniversary, and so extra dry oats. My belly is big because something else is "wrong" and it's terrible. I ran, so it's OK. I need to talk to Coach P again. All this shit, but NO CHANGE to what really NEEDS TO CHANGE. 

I come home tired, mind wiped, hungry, and fall into old habits. It's that simple. 

I found two races right around my bday, and will do one or both. If Slava and/or LA want to do the backyard ultra the week prior, that might be my race. Stupidly, my run the other day had visions of me running 50 miles. Visions of explaining my SCAD and injuries to people. My mind is stuck. 

So much to say, but this isn't in what I need to say. It's in what I need to DO.