I realized this morning, reviewing my weekend, that I lost so much time to Moria. And Reddit. This weekend, my stress was in Moria, and Moria took hours from me.
No, I GAVE my time to Moria, and that needs to stop. It's the last (?) of the Monster to kill.
Gawd so much to think and think on. I could talk here all day.
See I think I'm being flexible by sleeping in and waiting for everyone to wake up too, instead of saying "well it's X o'clock I'm going for a walk". I think I'm being flexible by waiting on what I want to do so I can work on clay or sewing or chat. I think I'm being flexible by helping them fix meals, letting them make a bit of mess knowing I'll have to clean it up. I think I'm being flexibly by taking time off from my schedule to help LA drive and visit. This is what I think.
LA thinks I'm inflexible and can't change and can't task-switch. All things he said this weekend.
He also said last week he doesn't tell me things because he doesn't trust me (bank card). And something else I've already forgotten in the mess of the weekend.
Problems. Solution?
Moria - I want to do art and Russian and have more time, but my extra goes to Moria. I could have painted with Slava, but Moria. I could have brushed the dog, but Moria. I could have read a book, but Moria. Today - could have chatted with slava, but Moria. Really I do think too that fixing this would take so much stress off me that I could better accommodate all else. Think on this a lot today, please.
My PTO and protected time - I feel like my time isn't respected. I don't see LA taking time off from work for what I want to do. I don't see him putting aside his gun time to help with chores. I don't see him blah blah blah. I don't see it, I don't look, and/or I don't recognize it? This doesn't help us!
I feel like he'll fuck around until I'm late. I need to be at work, and it's like a bother to him, like I'm not giving him enough time. (See Moria too for this). Going to visit family? He's in the bathroom and I'm waiting. Going to errands, same. Appointment, same. Going for a walk, same. Really, it's the waiting. And really more it's the waiting goes to Moria.
This isn't a he problem. This is a me problem. Me and Moria.
I want to have dinner together, but I give to Moria then we're both alone.
I wanted to chat this morning, but the stress of him doubting my PTO schedule (he didn't believe me and insisted on reading it for himself) sent me out to Moria to get away.
I wanted to enjoy a meal with them this weekend, but Moria was already too much and ...Ugh.
This is a Me problem, but it's impacting us.
Does getting out of Moria solve everything else? Probably not, but at least my stress wouldn't already be tight and my schedule already tight and the anxiety about loss of time and loss of respect and loss of trust. Ugh, keep thinking.
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