First off, Saturday was stressful. Friday was stress enough, hurryhurryhurry at work so we can leave on time, hurryx3 from work to get home to get there on time. Then Sit And Wait for 7-8 hours. Home late. Bed late. Sleep in.
Saturday morning I didn't fully get up until 845ish. I want to walk, but Slava is awake doing homework, Arlette I was supposed to wake at 830 so now she's up. I'm visiting with them feeling guilty that I'd leave them alone to go for a walk. We're sitting in the art room talking. By 1030 I'm seeing my morning slip by. By 11 I decide to go. I tell Lev, who says "wait I want to go with you". Hey I'd rather walk with him, so I wait. But he's just getting out of bed, but I wait. Wait, Wait, Wait. He's in the bathroom, bedroom, 1040 I'm ready to just go and I walk the dog first to give a few more minutes. I come back to the house to find him ready and in a Go Rush because he wants to walk in Cedar Hill. No, he wants to go fishing. I was told it was too cold for fishing a day or so ago. Now it's fishing. I just want to walk, the anxiety has been building I'm waiting around dressed to go and waiting and it's creating anxiety. I don't want to fish. I want to walk. I'm disappointed that I could have just walked at 11 and been done.
What really bothered my about this? The built-up anxiety, the loss of time. I only get these weekends to walk in the sun and relax and paint and get the house in order. During the week, we don't get to so easily.
I distinctly didn't like that all the sudden plans change because "Anton just texted me 5 mins ago". I wanted them to fish, I'll walk then do errands then we're all home for the afternoon. I realize that 45 mins is a short visit to fish and agree to walk the 90 mins there. I feel better by the end. Walk is done. The energy is soothed. I'm still getting shit from him about it.
Aldi, library, but no Michaels because "I didn't know about Michael's and I can't plan what I don't know". Oh, the irony. Neither can I plan when I didn't know we were going fishing all the sudden. (and to be fair, typing this I see that he didn't know either). Home, it's later than I wanted, groceries away, they go to range, and while he's at range I finish the 3 loads of wash, wash dog, clean bath floor and shower, get my shower, make the beds and fold clothes, and start meal prep. He gets to go to range, visit with his friend. I get to have my plans for a quiet walk and art time disrupted. That's so binary, and unfair. He probably didn't get to do everything he wanted to do either, but he didn't bitch about it like I did.
We wanted to smoke a turkey today. But the rush out the door, no one mentioned a turkey. He says he told me to do it, I honest to god didn't hear that. And they why couldn't we wait before going to fish to do the turkey? He didn't mention it again? He didn't ask about it as we're walking out? Then I get shit because now he has to stay up late for the turkey, like 9 or 10oclock. The final irony on this -- I STAY UP LATE TO FINISH THE TURKEY WHILE HE PLAYS WITH GUNS.
And since WHEN is it a problem for him to stay up late eating?!?
And he wants to do jerk chicken. Fine. He tells me to start the marinade, I say I'd like him to help. He walks away. I wait. He goes off. Goes to the bathroom, before going in asks about chicken. I said I'd help him do it. I wait. He comes out, upset that the chicken isn't done. Buddy, where and how do you get the idea that you can just order me around to do the shit you want done while you watch your phone in the bathroom? Really? Seriously. We do the chicken, and he leaves. See above for all the housework I did while he was out having fun.
Sunday. Same shit, he sleeps in and again he wants to walk and we do and try to talk about this. I don't even remember the walk; I think we went to the church. He got to go to the range again. I started to prepare a dinner for them to come back to but fuck that, they want dinner they can fix it.
Then Lev tries to get Arlette to make the cake for him. I stay out of it, he'd promised and said he'd make the cake with her. She waits. He wants cake. She waits. I suggest that she start pulling out ingredients. Prehead the oven, she does, and she holds the line and waits. This seemed to bother him.
By now, the weekend is over. The car and truck weren't cleaned but all else mostly done. I'm mentally wiped, I'm stressed, stress eating, overeating, full, sick, unhappy. This last part is my fault, no one else, but it tells me I'm not managing my stress or time well.
Then today Monday. Even though honest to god I told him - I have to work Monday - he's pissed that I'm working Monday and pissed that he didn't know. What else do I have to do to get my schedule across to him? I do so much to pay attention to his, my schedule is often dictated by his, kids, reserves, work, etc, my PTO goes to his schedule, my family waits while I see his family. I resent it, try as I do to not be resentful, I'm resenting it. For years now.
My first response is to think to him, well you chose this life of kids and army and med school. But that's not fair. I think, maybe instead of telling me how awful your ex was and how you still had kids with her, maybe not have kids with her. But that's not fair either, and besides too late.
I chose to marry a guy with kids. I'm doing so much to make it work. But it's not working. I'm not at my limit, but I need to change this, it's not working for me or us.
So I got the frustration out, but not the solution.
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After Saturday, I had to restart. I didn't even realize until Sunday morning -- I was having back to back mug meals. FAIL.
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