Spring Equinox

RUN 2.5 miles in 30 mins, treadmill

It's Monday, post travel, kids spring break. I went to the gym this morning, did some painting, ate breakfast, took VLA to dr appointment, lunch, now at work. 

I feel so full, I way overate lunch. I was in a stressed/rushed mindless hurry. Now I feel almost sick. Swollen and heavy. And there's nothing I can really do about it.

Yesterday on the drive I dug back into the PofE podcasts and pulled a few gems. In summary, I need to be PRESENT when I'm eating, not checked out on automatic mode, checked out so I don't feel emotion or guilt or anything. I'm in stress response fighting with myself, and the cortisol takes away the pleasure and sensation and satisfaction. 

My food anxiety is getting worse. Again. I'm stressed in grocery stores (should I get this, or that), restaurants (better to just not eat at all), and now at home (should I? When? What? How much?). 

My chest tightens. My mind buzzes. Noise and sound go away. My taste buds are gone. I don't ever remember chewing food. I'll look down and -- did I even eat? Am I full? Oh so full, but I'm hungry.

I'm at 193 days today. HOLY FUCK. 

However many days ago I set a goal of March 31 as The Day, The Goal. I failed. Again. 

I canceled my appointment on the 31st, because I just can't see it. I haven't seen it since.....November?

But I feel it. Every day I feel it it. I can't keep doing this.

So my goal for this next 100 days. No. The next two months. May 31st. Before summer break. 

M is gone. Standing. Wasting. Denial....eh still there. 
NEXT: Blerch goes. He's out of the room. No books, no painting, no audiobook, no music, no podcasts. Silence. Meditative silence. 

Equinox today 5:24 Eastern. Hope my stomach feels better by then.