Day 2

RUN 2 miles in 30 minutes, treadmill

I wanted and yet didn't want strength training. There was too much distraction at home, and I wanted to get home to LA instead. The treadmill was set to 4.0 - slow but ugh my left hip hurts when I run.

Yesterday I finished work at normal time 5pm and LA took us to walk in the Arboretum. YES! Home to Moria though, but I held off until 7pm. Then a super stressful phone call, super stress response by me afterwards, and to keep from falling apart I went to bed early (after 15' of floor work!) and read books. LA went for a long walk, and came home after I fell asleep. Not a good evening.

This morning, more stress. My way of controlling it, or trying to, is to start cleaning and tidying. But it's overwhelming and there's a mix of guilt for doing it and a need to do it. I'm unsettled and fidgety. It leads to LA getting more upset, and oof what a morning of worry. He's home studying, I'm at work worrying. 

I feel like we're stuck somehow in life. A year ago it was worry about court issues and kids and school and work. We started counseling to help ourselves. Here we are a year later, still worried about court issues and kids and school, and less so about work. (1 year ago I took on the lab manager role in March). 

Why don't we have the time for anything? Why is it I look at others getting to do art, and I'm feeling like it's an extravagance to get to do it? Why don't we get our time together, time to relax and be unencumbered by all this? 

Or maybe we do and I don't get to see it. And I need to keep in mind that this STEP1 test is temporary (or is it, he's delaying it?). But look harder! We walked in the arboretum yesterday. We snuggled in bed each morning (this morning less so, due to my words and stress). 

We don't eat meals together, and to me that seems a simpler place to start. I tried yesterday, but it fell apart with phone call. Try again.

My pants don't fit good, yesterday it drove me nuts. Today it might too. I've gained weight?! Wasn't I stuck in this last year too? Last year I was still working with CoachP, training for a marathon, training for a 100 miler, trying to lose weight. I succeeded with that last one, briefly. I can succeed again. 

I'm not consistent - with food or exercise or management of my life. 
But I've quit M. I'm making changes. 

Yesterday was a 100% goal day! Some changes - drop the dates. They're almost gone anyway, don't buy more. Drop the pumpkin, or make a set amount in a bowl each day.