IF wins, but the gains are losses

Saturday RUN 10 miles in about 1:40-something
Sunday Skateboard!?

Saturday was another run like last week. I wanted to get up early and be done, go alone and focus by not focusing. But LA wanted a family bike ride and so did they and (well, not Arlette!) so it wasn't until 12pm that I started running. I hadn't eaten anything, just sipping coffee and water, but I felt great. 

Great except for the right heel pain I still have. Been there since before the ankle surgery, still there now. Let's ignore it for now. 

Like last weekend too I waited 20-21 hrs IF, not eating until after 4pm as goal. Energy was OK but getting short, like my temper. 

In the month of July so far every day has been "clean IF" until afternoon, with 11 20+hr and 1 of those a 24hr. It so happens today is day 30 of the clean IF method. I'm used to it now, it's easy. I'm drinking maybe too much coffee, but I've started mixing it half/half to reduce the caffeine. 

Surprisingly I get to 20+ hours and think I could easily keep going. Not surprisingly I start and it's a conveyor belt of non-stop, and therein lies my current problem. I'm like a turkey at bedtime. I even started a No Turkey habit in the tracker :/

I have a great plan - all meals are prepacked on Sunday and for the most part I follow it. Except when I don't, and the lack of integrity and honest there is what the actual problem is. I've allowed fruit (minimal, but uncounted), rice (lots, poorly counted), sweet potato (M'd, a problem). I've disallowed azuc (oh, last night, almost!). I'm trying to kill off the Balrog M, but once a week it resurfaces. Even if minimal. I'm happy that the long sessions are gone, the week long stuff is gone, the bottomed-out is gone. But it's not entirely gone. 

And worst of all, right when I think I have progress and all feels good (like the djzeens) - I get a "drama" reality check and fucking hell I'm back into confusion. I think - WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO?!

Then the next reality check. Well did you count the noms last night? No. Add them in. 300 at least of them. Ouch, and I realize it's not 12-14 it's 15-19 and I can't fucking count. 

Lack of honesty.
Lack of integrity. 
Lack of monitoring.
Lack of measuring.
Lack of attention.

I keep wondering, if/when I should go back to Patrick. It helped. The pendulum swung in March and April, but I was running so much more then. Which was it? So I'll need to ask me, and maybe eventually him, "what would change this time". And then I need to ask me, "do I need help with it". 

I'm thinking on paper here. 

What would I want help with? I'm in a rut thinking I've made this big change, but I've only changed PART of it. I've changed the WHEN but not the WHAT. 

I need to sit and eat a meal, not have a conveyor belt thing going.
I need to pay attention to what and how much, so I'm not a stuffed turkey at the end. 
I need to taste and enjoy, not mindlessly move through it.
I need to calm the fuck down, that's where M comes in. 

And I need to change the plan for today to adjust for CO? 
I dunno.