10 days in - no M

Monday COMMUTE 7 miles and BIKE with kids 1.8 miles
Tuesday RUN 4.5 miles and COMMUTE 7 and BIKE gravel 6.4 miles
Wednesday COMMUTE 7 and BIKE with kids?

The BIKE with kids don't really count as training, do they? I wanted to go to the gym Monday morning. I wanted to do a pre-work BIKE today. Didn't happen. 

Yesterday was a new moon and the 10th day of no M. He's mentally still there. But now showing. Yesterday was day 3 of killing azuc too. Last night a few nibs of azuc from cresent rolls on buckwheat.

Yesterday also day 9 of clean IF, and today day 3 of almost OMAD. When does this become habit? 

All feels good, but I'm so tired and low energy still.

Yesterday an emotional crash, bickering over food stock of bread. LA and I had a long talk during a break at work. Ugh.  

8 days success, more problems arise

M-free now, from last Sunday to today, so just over a week. But other issues. Azuc roared up last....Weds or Thurs?....and I quelled it yesterday. Kinda. At least the bag was safe. Well, kinda. The brigadeiros. But I held the goal of nothing poured. 

I held the goal of no queso, just the yogurt. I missed that mark last Thurs and Friday but held the weekend.

And I held to clean fasts all week, since last Sunday.

And I haven't mentioned this yet - but I'm Reddit and news free since May 27th! One month today! 

BUT -- 

And since last Weds (at least)  - rice. More last night.

And since last weekend - buckwheat. More this week. 

I have a question though, why is all above OK but not an orange? 

WTF - and the gains are there. No denying it. I feel it everywhere. 

My lower gut is cramped. I'm not hungry. I had such aversion Saturday after the road clinic and yet still my head thought of ways to avoid the aversion and get around it. While at the same time calculating the losses. 

There were no losses. Only gains. And major fucking CO all weekend long. To account for it, today is 20:4.

My CHOs are up to 150. Supposed to be 50.
My losses are supposed to be -10. Instead it's gains of +?

 

Week 4: Gravel ride, clean fasting, Solstice

Monday COMMUTE 7 miles and short 2 mile BIKE
Tuesday RUN 3.5 miles, COMMUTE 7 miles, and gravel BIKE 9 miles
Wednesday COMMUTE 7 miles and kids BIKE 1.1
Thursday RUN 2 miles COMMUTE 8 miles and kids BIKE 3.4 miles
Friday COMMUTE 7 miles
Saturday RUN 3 miles and BIKE road clinic about 8 miles
Sunday RUN only 4.5 miles and BIKE 3 miles? cyclocross clinic

Tuesday I was up at 4:23 to spend time with LA and not until 7:10 did I get to the run. I knew it could be a slog, and it was. I ended up walking sometimes!? I did a segment through the trails near the high school. I am tired, reading russian library books. I'm thankful my work commute is downhill, and wonder how much energy I'll have for the home commute and the gravel ride with Slava tonight. ETA - great energy! 

Wednesday I was supposed to go to the gym in the morning but the kids (Slava in particular) didn't go to sleep until 1am. Ugh. Rheumatology appointment today. Short kids bike to Dicken School. I was feeling so overfull with lots of abdominal pain. Did I eat too much, too fast?

Thursday I woke up with the same pains, now in my back and upper abdomen. Lots of "urge" but no output. This lasted most of the day, and I had quick fatigue and flat energy. But doing OK. My run was a slog that I almost delayed to see if I'd feel better on Friday. I walked at times! The bike ride home was a new test of Catherine St, but I didn't like it (I didn't plan it after Catherine street so ended up on Huron) and although I thought my energy was out I did OK riding home. Still having gut fullness-feeling and pain, yet ate the same again (too much or too fast or ...?). I went to bed with back pains, lower chest pain, muscle aches. I gotta pay more attention to what I'm doing for dinner.

I should note some changes here: I'm in day...5? of clean fasting as from the book I just read. I've been fasting and unhungry until 12-1pm. I've stopped dairy except for one yogurt a day (except the cheddar and parm I broke the rule on last night) and I've been hitting the azuc the last two nights. That's gotta stop! And M is now.... 5 days out? 

Weekend update. I did get a back to back run in as planned, but didn't get the 75 mins I'd hoped for. Just 45 mins for the second run. Next I'm reviewing the plan to know what I'm doing this week. Last week I was weak and fatigued, this week any better?

A road and cyclocross clinic. I learned dirty dismounts for cyclocross and did a "race" with Slava! I'm better at water bottle pick ups too. 

I missed the solstice on Tuesday. How? I'm so distracted. 

And IM CdA was 10 years ago. How? Where did the time go? Where did I go?

Day 6, and looking at success for 6, 7, 8.

Another day, another battle. Another week, another promise.

This weekend, what will happen. Looking for the past few weeks, Friday has been a break-down day. Today is Friday, what will happen?

To remind myself of my goals, I put AB's snoopy picture by the bike parking. For the last two nights, I've maybe been over-doing it one way or another - but kinda even before I'm eating dinner I'm "full". Hungry but feeling full.

So a few changes to discuss. I've been doing per-goal on IF. 16 hours a day, give or take a few minutes. So I'm eating lunch regularly at 12-1pm. Then I'm coming home at 5-6pm. I shouldn't really be hungry, but let's dissect further.

It's habit. A bad one. I walk in and M3. I want the habit of waiting and I'm not at all doing that right now. So....f'ing do it!

Next, I've changed from eating random cheese noms and yogurt, to just eating one yogurt a day. That's a good thing and I don't think it's a problem. Heck, the opposite. Is gouda.  haha. But to replace the dairy I started replacing with veggies. I think I'm still adapting to that - my gut swelling caused by that? A week or two before improvement? 

Also, in this "hunger" I'm coming home and nom-nom-nom. Chicken, yogurt with buckwheat, ketchup and mustard, veggies, more veggies, more chicken, nom-nom-nom. Then into the azuc, with ghee and cinnamon and buckwheat, more that and more that. It starts a ball rolling that I fall over the cliff with. 

But before I get to that point, I'm feeling too full. Gut ache, back ache, burping (a clue that I'm eating fast), it takes hours to resolve. Part of me blames the gall bladder, it's kinda like that, but different. It's too much and/or too fast. 

I need to plate M3. So a new goal. Not new, but renewed. And see if that solves this issue. Slow the fuck down and listen. Stop. 

As for the azuc, can't find a better option?

And before I forget - again - I've now had two PBs in the house that are safe from me. This is a PR!

Week 3: Slava gets a long ride

Monday BIKE 10.1 miles with Slava, COMMUTE 7 miles, BIKE 5.5 more miles!
Tuesday missed run and COMMUTE 7 miles, BIKE 4 miles
Wednesday RUN 3 miles and COMMUTE 7 miles
Thursday COMMUTE 7 miles
Friday RUN 2.5 miles, COMMUTE 7 miles
Saturday BIKE road clinic, 6-7 miles?
Sunday RUN 4.5 miles and BIKE cyclocross clinic, 4 miles?

NUMERICS
BIKE 32.2 or so miles
RUN 10.1 miles
COMMUTE 35 miles

Slava and I rode to County Farm park monday morning - his longest ride. Combined with the 5.5 we all did later, it was his longest ever riding day!

Tuesday LA and I had a tiff over the late nights and fatigue, then Ruben call, then a hella long day at work. I felt awful. That night a 4 mile ride before phone call.

Wednesday I got my missed run before they woke up, 3 miles that felt faster than 29 or so minutes. No evening ride due to library and grocery trip. 

Thursday ride in the morning was missed due to rain storm, but I was able to commute. We did 5 miles that evening, Slava and Aurora and I did a 2-park tour south of the house.

Friday I had a Ruben call, but before that I did a 2.5 mile run. All I had time for. The call - prioritizing me and not getting caught up in the responses. And scheduling the kids better. And not accommodating so much. 

Saturday I took the younger two to a road clinic for juniors, my first AAVC event and their first group event. We did cornering in a circle, keeping eyes off the front wheel, slalom in between cones, watched a time trial race, then slurpees! Met an AAVC member who raced virtual 2020 H100. 

Sunday I wanted 5-6 miles but only got 4.5. Am I already behind on my "marathon" training? It was super easy run with LA and Slava on a bike. Then in the afternoon a cyclocross clinic, and LA joined! I picked up a waterbottle (finally), mount/dismount at a barrier, did small obstacle course, and Aurora got to test a road bike. There's a guy there that totally reminds me of DC, same attitude and carriage and body. I'll call him DC someday by accident, I'm sure. 

 

Battle with the Balrog and Talking to the Future Bee

Non-training post, more of a mental meandering.

I've realized that the Balrog that I thought I killed in May or June of 2019 is actually still alive, he's just changed. This is a 20-something year Balrog, like Durin's Bane was uncovered in 2014 or so as the Dwarves dug deep into Moria. He still lives. He's the Monster, he just changes forms.

The battle continues, here at age 46. It's been 20-25 years. Do I want to look back at age 66 and still be fighting him. Do I want to look back even just next year? No. 

But I've said this at least a 100 times, and a 100 times he's back. He never really leaves, just goes quiet. Lying in wait until awakening again as a torment. 

Lies, Cheats, and Steals. Blackened my thoughts, implanted jealousy and duplicity, shame and regret, self-loathing and self-sabotage. 

I don't think any amount of therapy or coaching could help. Only I can help me.

In trying to help me, I've tried talking to the 9 Bees, as I call them. The Round Table sometimes, individually at others. Usually MiTi Bee, or who I saw as the origin bee. But last night I tried talking to Future Bee, and feel asleep before I could get a sentence out. What could I say?

I'm Sorry? I'll be better next year? I'll stop? This really got my attention, why couldn't I talk to the future self? Couldn't I see a future self? I'm stuck in the past? 

The 9 are: MiTi, B2B, KM100, R2T199, xmas 2016, hockey 2018, Badger, Current, and Future. I don't like Badger Bee, she embarrasses me. I rarely talk to the others - only MiTi, Badger. WFT am I doing in my head?!

Well anyway, I can't explain it. Except to say that all those bees are PAST Bees, old non-current versions, and the FUTURE is where I need to start looking. The Monster was here this weekend, Sunday morning, and azuc was out. They are minions of the same demon, I separate them into entities, but they are all the same. 

Summer week 2: marathon training? And it's NOT "let's fix it", it's "I need to fix me"

Monday COMMUTE 7  miles and BIKE 3.5
Tuesday COMMUTE 7 miles and RUN 2 with LA
Wednesday COMMUTE 7 miles and BIKE 2.4
Thursday RUN 3 solo and COMMUTE 7 miles
Friday COMMUTE 7 miles
Saturday RUN 4 miles with LA and kids on bikes
Sunday BIKE! 16.6 miles in little over an hour, BIKE 3.2 miles with arlette

NUMERICS 76 total miles
BIKE 31.8
RUN 9.14
COMMUTE 35 miles

Monday Sugar had her surgery, so it was a half day at work. LA and I biked home together! The kids and I noodled around the neighborhood in light rain in a Mad-Libs type of ride.

Tuesday I left the house late to care for Sugar, LA and I were up at 5am for a 2 mile run. Near the end, he said "I'm fat" and I immediately thought "well let's fix it" and I kept quiet, because I knew that I need to fix me and he needs to fix he. We can't do it for each other. 

I noted in a recent post that I feel like I'm backsliding. The progress I made with coach P was lost and I have to get it back. I've struggled with M, I'm talking to IronBee in my head, and seeing how other around me eat is reflecting some of my challenges and it hurts to see. 

Today might be the start of a marathon training program that lands on Hennepin weekend. I'm hoping for the 50K at least. Today also TH messaged me a picture from IMKS 12 years ago?! WHAT!?

Wednesday M is at bay this week, there's an urge but no desire

Thursday I ran alone this morning, LA ran earlier and left for work. I'm work out from late nights and he is even more so. My jaw symptoms that started a few days ago (tight, mild pain, unable to fully open or close) is worse today. My jaw feels misaligned and I'm more unable to clench my molars together. I think it's stress, lack of sleep, chewing on LAs smoked meats, poor diet - I need to just let it rest. LA wants me to see a Dr for the TMD but I don't want to do it. 

Still no M, and better IF last few days. What's different? I'm tired and busy!? 

Friday commute only, late day at work and I rode home in the rain

Saturday They slept in and I waited, then late morning we did a ride/run with the kids. Slava got lost from us a few minutes and LA turned back to home. Arlette tried the Giant bike today!

Sunday I did my FIRST ride of the year and first ride south to Saline on Puppy. I want to get Frea out now. Then Arlette and I did a few miles on her new bike, she's learning. 

Struggle with the Balrog over the weekend, it's either there or it's not.