Battle with the Balrog and Talking to the Future Bee

Non-training post, more of a mental meandering.

I've realized that the Balrog that I thought I killed in May or June of 2019 is actually still alive, he's just changed. This is a 20-something year Balrog, like Durin's Bane was uncovered in 2014 or so as the Dwarves dug deep into Moria. He still lives. He's the Monster, he just changes forms.

The battle continues, here at age 46. It's been 20-25 years. Do I want to look back at age 66 and still be fighting him. Do I want to look back even just next year? No. 

But I've said this at least a 100 times, and a 100 times he's back. He never really leaves, just goes quiet. Lying in wait until awakening again as a torment. 

Lies, Cheats, and Steals. Blackened my thoughts, implanted jealousy and duplicity, shame and regret, self-loathing and self-sabotage. 

I don't think any amount of therapy or coaching could help. Only I can help me.

In trying to help me, I've tried talking to the 9 Bees, as I call them. The Round Table sometimes, individually at others. Usually MiTi Bee, or who I saw as the origin bee. But last night I tried talking to Future Bee, and feel asleep before I could get a sentence out. What could I say?

I'm Sorry? I'll be better next year? I'll stop? This really got my attention, why couldn't I talk to the future self? Couldn't I see a future self? I'm stuck in the past? 

The 9 are: MiTi, B2B, KM100, R2T199, xmas 2016, hockey 2018, Badger, Current, and Future. I don't like Badger Bee, she embarrasses me. I rarely talk to the others - only MiTi, Badger. WFT am I doing in my head?!

Well anyway, I can't explain it. Except to say that all those bees are PAST Bees, old non-current versions, and the FUTURE is where I need to start looking. The Monster was here this weekend, Sunday morning, and azuc was out. They are minions of the same demon, I separate them into entities, but they are all the same.