Summary of the end of spring break

I made it to the gym each day M-F, running three of the days about 2-2.25 miles! And some strength! Good start!

I'm better about blerching, horrid about bouncing, inaccurate random and throughtless. And completely not mindful.

The trip Sunday was good - prepacked and planned and yet my gut by Sunday night near Ann Arbor was a painful mess. The same type of pains from years ago. 

I listened to a lot of Psych of E podcasts - self love and care, Queendom, journaling, acceptance, more. Now it's like I don't remember any of it :(

On to tomorrow.

Three days habit

RUN 2.5 miles treadmill

I know, treadmill. Watched part of the 2nd episode of BBC W&P, my reward for this. I wanted to stop at 25 mins, but continued to 30 mins. Slow, but whatever. I'm feeling some effects of yesterday's strength training, I need to foam roll and stretch today. 

This morning another undistracted meal, sitting with Slava, but I'm still bouncing and wanting more. I'm still not paying attention. Bus to work, more surgery today. 

Strength day!

ELLIPTICAL 20 mins

STRENGTH! coach P workout 18 mins

I did all but the chin-ups, two girls were 'using' them and I didn't feel like interrupting the chatting. 

Last night once I got home felt chaotic, but I managed a no-phone/no-reading meal. It was a distracted meal, but I did it. My stomach was still overfull and upset from earlier.

This morning I had half an orange and some deli meat before the gym and got hungry! Dang it!

Home shower Lev and pork, potato, half orange breakfast. I'm still hungry?! I ate breakfast undistracted but in a hurry. As if I still wanted to distract myself from the eating, and in the end I don't really remember it so much. Like, I know what I ate but I don't recall eating it. No, I don't recall enjoying it. I just ate it, and happily I realize I didn't want more and stopped early. But then I wanted more. But I'm AWARE and that's the start. 

This morning I was getting into my head, overthinking. It creates a numbness, an over-critical one though that ruins my mood. Focus on the sunrise. 

Strength training felt good, I'm kinda feeling it a few hours later in the left leg - the one with the hip/quad region that's causing running pains. 

ETA Close the day out. I came home to a non-over dinner, accidental CO again, and stopped well before 8pm. Less stress. Shopping and all good! 

I should not be left to my own devices; They come with prices and vices

I have this thing where I get older but just never wiser

Midnights become my afternoons
When my depression works the graveyard shift
All of the people I've ghosted stand there in the room

I should not be left to my own devices
They come with prices and vices
I end up in crisis (tale as old as time)
I wake up screaming from dreaming
One day I'll watch as you're leaving
'Cause you got tired of my scheming
(For the last time)

It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me
At tea time, everybody agrees
I'll stare directly at the sun but never in the mirror
It must be exhausting always rooting for the anti-hero

Sometimes I feel like everybody is a sexy baby
And I'm a monster on the hill
Too big to hang out, slowly lurching toward your favorite city
Pierced through the heart, but never killed

Did you hear my covert narcissism I disguise as altruism
Like some kind of congressman? (Tale as old as time)
I wake up screaming from dreaming
One day I'll watch as you're leaving
And life will lose all its meaning
(For the last time)

It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me (I'm the problem, it's me)
At tea time, everybody agrees
I'll stare directly at the sun but never in the mirror
It must be exhausting always rooting for the anti-hero

I have this dream my daughter in-law kills me for the money
She thinks I left them in the will
The family gathers 'round and reads it and then someone screams out
"She's laughing up at us from hell"

It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me
It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me
It's me, hi, everybody agrees, everybody agrees

It's me, hi (hi), I'm the problem, it's me (I'm the problem, it's me)
At tea (tea) time (time), everybody agrees (everybody agrees)
I'll stare directly at the sun but never in the mirror
It must be exhausting always rooting for the anti-hero

Spring Equinox

RUN 2.5 miles in 30 mins, treadmill

It's Monday, post travel, kids spring break. I went to the gym this morning, did some painting, ate breakfast, took VLA to dr appointment, lunch, now at work. 

I feel so full, I way overate lunch. I was in a stressed/rushed mindless hurry. Now I feel almost sick. Swollen and heavy. And there's nothing I can really do about it.

Yesterday on the drive I dug back into the PofE podcasts and pulled a few gems. In summary, I need to be PRESENT when I'm eating, not checked out on automatic mode, checked out so I don't feel emotion or guilt or anything. I'm in stress response fighting with myself, and the cortisol takes away the pleasure and sensation and satisfaction. 

My food anxiety is getting worse. Again. I'm stressed in grocery stores (should I get this, or that), restaurants (better to just not eat at all), and now at home (should I? When? What? How much?). 

My chest tightens. My mind buzzes. Noise and sound go away. My taste buds are gone. I don't ever remember chewing food. I'll look down and -- did I even eat? Am I full? Oh so full, but I'm hungry.

I'm at 193 days today. HOLY FUCK. 

However many days ago I set a goal of March 31 as The Day, The Goal. I failed. Again. 

I canceled my appointment on the 31st, because I just can't see it. I haven't seen it since.....November?

But I feel it. Every day I feel it it. I can't keep doing this.

So my goal for this next 100 days. No. The next two months. May 31st. Before summer break. 

M is gone. Standing. Wasting. Denial....eh still there. 
NEXT: Blerch goes. He's out of the room. No books, no painting, no audiobook, no music, no podcasts. Silence. Meditative silence. 

Equinox today 5:24 Eastern. Hope my stomach feels better by then. 

My week to restart. This will end. --- It restarted, has it ended?

It's Monday, I just went home for the weekend, a wonder weekend of family! My other family is in MO, I see them in a few days!

Today is 03-13-23. I love that type of thing.

It amazed me over the weekend how my mind could keep calling up old pains and sins, how it could be punishing and mean to me, and how some things just never seem to change. 

At the volleyball games, insecurities. 
Sitting in the car, old memories and insecurities.
Sitting at home, old habits, old memories, and insecurities.

I keep saying I want to change. I need to recognized that I have changed!

There's more I want to change, and I can't do it all at once. 
But for this week - set up a workout schedule and follow it. Set up a meal schedule and follow it. 

Progress:
Monday: I slept in to catch up from last night late arrival. I plan to walk and/or go to the gym. When?!? That's not a plan!

Monday evening: I went home on bus, immediately to dinner, too much unplanned, bouncing and blerching. I cooked and cleaned, finished my walk, and talked to kids. But I was anxious and not really effected.

Tuesday: I went to the gym! 30 mins on the treadmill. Good day at work.

Tuesday evening plan: Home to dinner (plan it!), 7 mins home gym in the app, and go to Kohls and Library. Actual: home, out by 8pm and stayed out, 7 mins home gym in app, kohls and library!! Only problem - didn't stay on plan.

Wednesday: I went to the gym! 30 mins on elliptical. So far so good at work, but too much brekkie. Yet, I skipped the tater!

Wednesday evening plan: Pack, dinner per plan, another 7 mins. Actual: home immediately to a BOUNCED meal, almost over, stopped, 8pm goal, 7 mins goal, pack and bed goal. I was anxious, I could feel the pressure of ....? 

Thursday: Day 3 in a row to the gym, 28 mins run! A guy ahead of me on a treadmill had an IM hat, awesome calves (jealousy), and a slow easy step-step-step run. I got to wondering, could I do a marathon this late summer? Would I want to? Anxiety a little about packing and getting everywhere on time today. ONly a half day at work. Meals in my packed bag. Tonight plan: eat before 8pm and not after!

Was I paying attention when I went through this weekend? Thursday brekkie, lunch, and dinner before my flight. Aldi pork rinds and water, to bed. Then all Friday stress GAL (skipped Sirloin Stockade) and STEP1 and nom nom. CO. Saturday same, drive to my parents and Jason's Deli and my sis's house, and CO. Sunday brunch buffet and drive to AA and overfill at home and CO. 

Ugh. 

 

Welcome to March

 A month - might be the longest time I've gone without a post. I didn't have anything to update. Today I might. Let's see.

LA is in MO for a local week with the kids. I drive home tonight for the weekend. Next Thursday I fly to MO to join them for the GAL, then we drive back through IL for the birthday weekend, then to MI for the spring break week.

Amidst it all, LA is studying for STEP1. Stressing about April. Planning residency. Doing everything he can to see his kids, talk to his kids, and be there for them. So the last few phone calls were stress-inducing. We're apart, that's stress-inducing.

I had wild dreams about the old Kirwan house (nothing like the real house, but it was in the dream) and although I slept good I woke up 7am swollen-faced, swollen-bodied, heavy feeling, underwater mentally, and just wanting to feel less like a slug and more like an athlete again. 

I haven't been to the gym since.... January....?
But in good changes - I've stopped sugar (when Sugar died), stopped dairy (excepting the mistake of whipped butter), started sitting to eat (with the mistake of bouncing that needs to be fixed), and a few other minor things. 

Today will be 183 days without M. 

The end of March was this 100 day goal I'd had, oh, what....83 days ago? What happened?

But sadly, the pendulum goes the wrong way and I feel swollen and heavy. I spend lab meeting not really listening to LN's practice talk but instead listing my goals for the near future. Reduce potato 300 to 200. Cardio 30 mins/day. Strength or foam roll 15 min/day. Started IF 12-8, or at least protein only until noon. Review my old notes from Coach P. 

Then LA sends me a picture from last summer, me bathing my Sugar, and the less-than-flattering image really drives home my unhappiness. 

Now I'm all in a spin thinking. All these rules. I'm reading old posts and found one a year ago in which I noted that I'm always making myself do things because of Rules, instead of having myself do things because I love myself and want the best for my future self. Extrinsic vs Intrinsic. 

So where am I going with all this?! 

CoachP had me start with: accurate and diligent MFP tracking. Measuring every 30 days. 35% protein/50% fat/10-15% net carbs. 1300 Total. 3 meals reduced over time to 2 meals a day. Reduce then eliminate potatoes. Focus on some carrots and berries. And have plan the day before. 

So start with the planning and measuring. I haven't weighed in since...., ....??!?!?! 

Make a list of foods to get. (that's another stress, LA and the EoE, still waiting on that). 

Make a few meal ideas. And start tracking better. 
A recent dream it was 141.