Two miles and a commute, and later a monster

RUN 2 miles in 22 mins with LA
COMMUTE 7-something-ish, I think 7.6 miles

A few things in my head. This morning was great - we got up and moved at 6am, had our time together then a run shower out the door and I had from 8:06 to 8:30 to get ahead on chores. NICE! 

I found a 24 week triathlon training plan and discovered that if I started on the day I found it, I would end on my birthday! But I haven't been able to really start it yet. Excuses.

I sent an update to Coach Patrick yesterday, an extremely shortened version, and I might post one or both of the versions here. It's very personal, not meant for other eyes. But who else is ever going to read this? 

Last night and the night before and before M was here. I let him in and he was in my head and my actions. I hate him. Stop This Shit, as I've heard, but I hear it but I don't listen. I hear it, it bangs around in my head. My hands shake and my shoulders are so tensed. My heart races. I'm losing all around. Pecans. Beef Brisket. Butter. 

Well, not in that one important way. And that hurts too.

Why is this such a struggle. Why can't I cross the river. 

I'm making it a struggle. I'm living on the struggle, and there's more to this that I'm unable to remember how to say but the struggle is my addiction or something like that. But it doesn't have to be!

What goes wrong each night, let's start there. I come home on the bike, and think that I have only until 8pm to eat dinner. Self imposed rule. I rush-rush-rush to make dinner pack lunch rush pack rush cook eat while I can rush mindless anxiety and phone call and I try to eat and rush in the phone call and I don't remember and the call is over and rush and tense and racing. 

Yikes. OK, I had an idea last night. Let's get this fixed. Take the steps needed to fix this. 

Home. Unpack, glass of water. (This I succeeded last night)
Change clothes and wash face (failed last night)
Do a chore, walk the dog, find quiet. 
Phone call. Not dinner or rush. Maybe pack during phone call, but no eating.
Phone call ends 745ish. Now have dinner, when it's quiet. It's still 8pm, a few minutes after is OK.
Then go for a walk and be done. 

Benefits?
I'd get to eat with LA, who tends to eat after the call; I'd remember what I ate; It would be one meal instead of the often-two.

Cons?
The lonely racing quick-beating stress will be there; Can I wait? Or will I mentally miss out on the call.
.....Um, everyone else waits. No one is dying for waiting. 

Now the way to help this along for myself:
-PrePacked dinners so I don't have to cook each night. That's not working so far this week, and it won't work great next week, owing to being away over the weekends
-Eating lunch later so I'm not a Marvin when I get home. That's part of the anxiety. But lately I'm eating at 10-11 am and yuppers I'm a Marvin all fucking day. Ugh. 

OK take these steps.