May goals...what about them?

COMMUTE 9.2 miles
WasGonna SWIM, still might

Just two days ago I set May goals and I haven't touched them since. Revisit these before reading on...

So let's see, M and B been at the house last two evenings and they were solid visits. They stayed a while. I hate them.

What gives? In me I mean? Two major issues going on right now. Maybe more. All mental.

1. Now that I have the "all clear" from the doctors (I've had this "all clear" by the way for some time, but ...) I feel like I want to just go head-long into everything. But at the exact same time, all I hear in my head are limits. Oh you can't...oh you shouldn't...oh is it OK to do...oh is that a good idea? And at that exact same time I want to ride 50 miles with my friends tomorrow at NT, but I'm too slow right now and they're too fast and they don't want to wait for me any more than I want them to have to wait for me. So I don't know if I'm going to NT. I'll probably go alone somewhere so I can be slow by myself.

2. I feel like I have no time, yet I have all the time, yet I waste all the time. Huh? Da Fuq? Everyone else is so busy (taking care of them first, as I was told yesterday that I should do for myself, another SOism) yet I'm not busy. Or I don't feel busy. But I get nothing done. What an endless circle. Everyone else has things going on  -- family, training, putting themselves first -- and yet I'm not? I can't put this to words.

3. I'm not myself right now. This will be even harder to put to words. Something is.....off.  I don't know what. It's like my head won't work, I can't stay focused, I make mistakes. I can't type. I don't get anything done. I lose hours. Doing....??

4. Remember the Battle of the Five Armies? I feel like I'm in that again. Bee and Butterfly vs Monster Devil and Blerch. (haha, typed Bleach first time). But now the overlord Balrog here too, and the Bee and Butterfly keep losing. Blerch starts it. Devil pushes it along. Monster is what comes of it, Balrog is how I deal with it. My mental demons. Last night after Dr W and a bad test results I went off the rails. Again. Test result was just an excuse. But it drove me into Battle again and I lost. This really isn't the forum for this, but just want to capture  what I'm thinking because later down the road it will be hard to understand once the smoke clears.

5. I'm also not myself because of my gut issues. They drain me. They occupy my mind. They distract and take energy and sap my strength. So what to do about this?! I can't keep spinning the wheels, I've been doing that since March and it's taking a toll on me. I think I need to return to the SCD plan, sometimes I look at GAPS too, but that seems even more harsh. And how would I run 16 miles this weekend on that?

6. Balrog exposes my denial. Sometimes I don't see how this happens, but then once it's all laid out in front of me I'm surprised. Every time. How can I be so blind to it?  Umm. Blerch.

7. Wait, go back to #5. What's the plan here?! First off I'd like to have 7 normal days of no symptoms. Simple goal. Oh I'm losing my train of thought again. My stomach/gut hurts.

8. Go back to SCD for a week, get back on track. Get through the symptoms and get a clear head.