Day 2

RUN 2 miles in 30 minutes, treadmill

I wanted and yet didn't want strength training. There was too much distraction at home, and I wanted to get home to LA instead. The treadmill was set to 4.0 - slow but ugh my left hip hurts when I run.

Yesterday I finished work at normal time 5pm and LA took us to walk in the Arboretum. YES! Home to Moria though, but I held off until 7pm. Then a super stressful phone call, super stress response by me afterwards, and to keep from falling apart I went to bed early (after 15' of floor work!) and read books. LA went for a long walk, and came home after I fell asleep. Not a good evening.

This morning, more stress. My way of controlling it, or trying to, is to start cleaning and tidying. But it's overwhelming and there's a mix of guilt for doing it and a need to do it. I'm unsettled and fidgety. It leads to LA getting more upset, and oof what a morning of worry. He's home studying, I'm at work worrying. 

I feel like we're stuck somehow in life. A year ago it was worry about court issues and kids and school and work. We started counseling to help ourselves. Here we are a year later, still worried about court issues and kids and school, and less so about work. (1 year ago I took on the lab manager role in March). 

Why don't we have the time for anything? Why is it I look at others getting to do art, and I'm feeling like it's an extravagance to get to do it? Why don't we get our time together, time to relax and be unencumbered by all this? 

Or maybe we do and I don't get to see it. And I need to keep in mind that this STEP1 test is temporary (or is it, he's delaying it?). But look harder! We walked in the arboretum yesterday. We snuggled in bed each morning (this morning less so, due to my words and stress). 

We don't eat meals together, and to me that seems a simpler place to start. I tried yesterday, but it fell apart with phone call. Try again.

My pants don't fit good, yesterday it drove me nuts. Today it might too. I've gained weight?! Wasn't I stuck in this last year too? Last year I was still working with CoachP, training for a marathon, training for a 100 miler, trying to lose weight. I succeeded with that last one, briefly. I can succeed again. 

I'm not consistent - with food or exercise or management of my life. 
But I've quit M. I'm making changes. 

Yesterday was a 100% goal day! Some changes - drop the dates. They're almost gone anyway, don't buy more. Drop the pumpkin, or make a set amount in a bowl each day.  

200 days. And day 1.

No gym yet today, my lower back is a mess after the drive yesterday. Walking is bad enough. Sitting...ugh.

Over the weekend I picked up yet another Gundry book from the library. Not that I'm on the Gundry train, but more like - I need a change. But as I'm reading, the changes are the SAME changes I've been trying to make. Everyone telling me the same thing.

So I'm trying this for 2, 3, or 4 weeks. Plan it out. 

I'm kinda brainless right now. But I needed a post to acknowledge the 200 days.

He's still there, still a temptation, but there's no urge to indulge it. I'm come so far! All this is good change, but I didn't get the expected outcome. Yet. He just changed and manifested in different ways, and it still added up all wrong. 

I'm talking in circles. 

Good job Bee!!! 200 is AWESOME. And today, after a month of "I'll Will Tomorrow" -- TODAY. 

Summary of the end of spring break

I made it to the gym each day M-F, running three of the days about 2-2.25 miles! And some strength! Good start!

I'm better about blerching, horrid about bouncing, inaccurate random and throughtless. And completely not mindful.

The trip Sunday was good - prepacked and planned and yet my gut by Sunday night near Ann Arbor was a painful mess. The same type of pains from years ago. 

I listened to a lot of Psych of E podcasts - self love and care, Queendom, journaling, acceptance, more. Now it's like I don't remember any of it :(

On to tomorrow.

Three days habit

RUN 2.5 miles treadmill

I know, treadmill. Watched part of the 2nd episode of BBC W&P, my reward for this. I wanted to stop at 25 mins, but continued to 30 mins. Slow, but whatever. I'm feeling some effects of yesterday's strength training, I need to foam roll and stretch today. 

This morning another undistracted meal, sitting with Slava, but I'm still bouncing and wanting more. I'm still not paying attention. Bus to work, more surgery today. 

Strength day!

ELLIPTICAL 20 mins

STRENGTH! coach P workout 18 mins

I did all but the chin-ups, two girls were 'using' them and I didn't feel like interrupting the chatting. 

Last night once I got home felt chaotic, but I managed a no-phone/no-reading meal. It was a distracted meal, but I did it. My stomach was still overfull and upset from earlier.

This morning I had half an orange and some deli meat before the gym and got hungry! Dang it!

Home shower Lev and pork, potato, half orange breakfast. I'm still hungry?! I ate breakfast undistracted but in a hurry. As if I still wanted to distract myself from the eating, and in the end I don't really remember it so much. Like, I know what I ate but I don't recall eating it. No, I don't recall enjoying it. I just ate it, and happily I realize I didn't want more and stopped early. But then I wanted more. But I'm AWARE and that's the start. 

This morning I was getting into my head, overthinking. It creates a numbness, an over-critical one though that ruins my mood. Focus on the sunrise. 

Strength training felt good, I'm kinda feeling it a few hours later in the left leg - the one with the hip/quad region that's causing running pains. 

ETA Close the day out. I came home to a non-over dinner, accidental CO again, and stopped well before 8pm. Less stress. Shopping and all good! 

I should not be left to my own devices; They come with prices and vices

I have this thing where I get older but just never wiser

Midnights become my afternoons
When my depression works the graveyard shift
All of the people I've ghosted stand there in the room

I should not be left to my own devices
They come with prices and vices
I end up in crisis (tale as old as time)
I wake up screaming from dreaming
One day I'll watch as you're leaving
'Cause you got tired of my scheming
(For the last time)

It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me
At tea time, everybody agrees
I'll stare directly at the sun but never in the mirror
It must be exhausting always rooting for the anti-hero

Sometimes I feel like everybody is a sexy baby
And I'm a monster on the hill
Too big to hang out, slowly lurching toward your favorite city
Pierced through the heart, but never killed

Did you hear my covert narcissism I disguise as altruism
Like some kind of congressman? (Tale as old as time)
I wake up screaming from dreaming
One day I'll watch as you're leaving
And life will lose all its meaning
(For the last time)

It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me (I'm the problem, it's me)
At tea time, everybody agrees
I'll stare directly at the sun but never in the mirror
It must be exhausting always rooting for the anti-hero

I have this dream my daughter in-law kills me for the money
She thinks I left them in the will
The family gathers 'round and reads it and then someone screams out
"She's laughing up at us from hell"

It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me
It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me
It's me, hi, everybody agrees, everybody agrees

It's me, hi (hi), I'm the problem, it's me (I'm the problem, it's me)
At tea (tea) time (time), everybody agrees (everybody agrees)
I'll stare directly at the sun but never in the mirror
It must be exhausting always rooting for the anti-hero

Spring Equinox

RUN 2.5 miles in 30 mins, treadmill

It's Monday, post travel, kids spring break. I went to the gym this morning, did some painting, ate breakfast, took VLA to dr appointment, lunch, now at work. 

I feel so full, I way overate lunch. I was in a stressed/rushed mindless hurry. Now I feel almost sick. Swollen and heavy. And there's nothing I can really do about it.

Yesterday on the drive I dug back into the PofE podcasts and pulled a few gems. In summary, I need to be PRESENT when I'm eating, not checked out on automatic mode, checked out so I don't feel emotion or guilt or anything. I'm in stress response fighting with myself, and the cortisol takes away the pleasure and sensation and satisfaction. 

My food anxiety is getting worse. Again. I'm stressed in grocery stores (should I get this, or that), restaurants (better to just not eat at all), and now at home (should I? When? What? How much?). 

My chest tightens. My mind buzzes. Noise and sound go away. My taste buds are gone. I don't ever remember chewing food. I'll look down and -- did I even eat? Am I full? Oh so full, but I'm hungry.

I'm at 193 days today. HOLY FUCK. 

However many days ago I set a goal of March 31 as The Day, The Goal. I failed. Again. 

I canceled my appointment on the 31st, because I just can't see it. I haven't seen it since.....November?

But I feel it. Every day I feel it it. I can't keep doing this.

So my goal for this next 100 days. No. The next two months. May 31st. Before summer break. 

M is gone. Standing. Wasting. Denial....eh still there. 
NEXT: Blerch goes. He's out of the room. No books, no painting, no audiobook, no music, no podcasts. Silence. Meditative silence. 

Equinox today 5:24 Eastern. Hope my stomach feels better by then.