30 day Digital Detox in April= SUCCESS

 Based on the audiobook I'm listening too - a 30 day Digital Detox. I don't like at all the amount of time I spend on my Reddit, and I don't like at all how I eat hunched over a phone. 

1. Define optional and non-optional technology:
   Optional: Reddit, youtube, nextdoor, that's it?, movie lookups, movies on any platform, 
   Non-optional: work email, maps, references, weather, duolingo, audiobooks (!), MFP, Garmin, gymbook, fasting, OFW, ugh, puzzles only in the morning

2. Put all the apps in one folder or delete

3. Delete unused contacts (already did this)

4. Put phone in DND mode, been wanting to do this!
    Will have to experiment, but a Work and a Meals and a Bed use would be good. I've set up a Meal         Focus from 6pm to 8pm to start. But I still need to define - can I listen to a podcast? I think so. Try it tonight. 

5. Establish small windows to check the essentials, with time limits and guidelines
    Reddit Jokes, once a week on a weekend. 
    Nextdoor, only if direct messaged.
    Safari, only for reference or a treadmill movie, art tutorials

6. Make a list of social/life goals to replace these habits:
    Read a Russian text
    Look out the window
    Pet a dog
    Write a letter
    Do some artwork

7. Need to figure out yet:
    Extra puzzles?
    Podcasts while eating/cooking
    Limit to tutorials?
    Limit to amount of time per app per day?
    Pinterest - limit to a weekend check for ideas? 

--------

End of the month report    
Reddit reduced from 12-13 hours a week to 1-2 (for kids' jokes)
Safari reduced from 13+ (treadmill videos?) to 5-6 hours/week
Overall, reduced to about 6 hours a day of total email, work, audiobooks, and above.

Not stopping this, and could reduce even further!

   

    
    

1312 and I need to do what I say I'm going to do

RUN to and from gym, 15 mins and 1.5 miles each way
STRENGTH about 20 mins, Coach's workout
COMMUTE 7.5 miles (assuming I don't get a ride home!)

I DID IT! I wanted to go to the gym Monday, didn't.
I wanted to bike commute Wednesday, but didn't. 
I wanted to bike commute Tuesday, but didn't (yes it was two days  not one)

I wanted to IF until goal time of 16 hours, but haven't yet all week. 

Well, here I am, it's Thursday, 1312, excuses all around this morning. Stop with the shit excuses. If you say you want to IF, then IF! If you want to go to the gym, then get there!

Today I arrived at work and the PULL to have M1 was so strong. Anxiety. Conflicted. I rode it out, and here I am just fine -- waiting until noon or 1pm. 1pm is the real goal, but noon would be OK. Let's say at least 12:30pm to be fair. 

This feels good. I feel awake, and like I can make a decision and trust myself to hold to it. 

I've fallen away from so much of the goals I've set. Let's re-evaluate. 

I ran 6 instead of 10, but kept thinking I needed to run 10

RUN 6 miles in a few seconds under 1 hour, again, felt faster than that

My old 100 miler schedule would have had a 10 miler today. The new plan reduced to 50 miles has only 6. "Only". I gotta drop that word. 

The 6 felt great and refreshing, and here hours later I don't even feel the run. Like it didn't happen. So that's a good thing, it was easy and not a tough workout and didn't drain me. Save that for the weekend runs. Which, by the way, is 16 miles. 

I kept an alternate plan in the calendar too, a shorter-training version that say11+6 miles this weekend. So I'll see how it goes. I'd rather do the 16. I'm still not into the 20 weeks of the training plan, but I picked 16 a few days ago as part of the ramp up to the first week, which starts with a 16+6.  

I talked to LA last night about my feelings of "grief" about the loss of my athletic life. The conversation didn't go well, I thought he was more focused on his feelings and he thought I was acting to offending him. This morning, he started off by asking what he could do to help me process through this. And that right there, was what I needed, not to have the problem dissected or fixed for me. 

It's my responsibility for how I feel, as Gary John Bishop reminded me in the audiobook - you live the life you're willing to accept. And what you accept is your responsibility. I'm not looking to LA for answers and solution, but I'm looking to him to know he will have my back no matter what way I go in this. 

Sometimes I get the urge to sell off my triathlon gear, so it no longer reminds me of what I don't do anymore. Maybe at the least, I could pack up the memorabilia but that doesn't bother me as much as the Bird sitting unused on a trainer. Then we talk about moving back to STL for residency, and TH talks about doing Sandusky only 2 hours away in Ohio, and I begin to wonder if hey maybe I can do triathlon like I used to and maybe I should keep the bikes and gear. 

Sometimes I want to change my goals entirely, and just be a short-distance running-for-fitness type. A voice in my head tells me that's the lazy way out, that I'm just picking the easy route with less friction. But the voice in my head that used to tell me to Go For It, All Of It is quiet and not competing out that voice. Where is that voice? 

I'm listening to the Marc David podcast and today's talking to a 45-something athlete who is grieving her former body and self. That she's pulled back into the past of what she used to be, and needs to let it go. He recommends writing a letter to her old self, I dunno if that's what I'd do but maybe it's something I can think about. 

In the meantime, my week is 4+6+4--16+0. Next week is 4+6+4--19. And somewhere in there, I need to get some biking (my pansy-ass didn't commute today because "it's cold") and strength training. I'm doing 2 mins of flexibility every day, that much at least as part of my shift to being more well-rounded. 

I'm now training for a 50 miler, and training to be more balanced

RUN 4 miles in 39 mins, Target and back,  not speedwork but with a bit of "push" in mind but that's not a pushed pace!

I slept poorly last night and instead of being worried about it, I'm just trying to be mindful and more forgiving if I'm tired and slower today. LA worked late, most likely the start of many like this. In retrospect, instead of sitting around waiting for him, I could have gone to the gym!

I listed to Ester podcast today and got some thinking about the fear of  change. Gave me something to consider - why does change cause fear? Think back to 2014 when everything changed, and the loss of stability I felt. And think about why things don't feel stable now, what's still missing for me? Or what don't I do to appreciate the stability that I do have? 

I worked out a 50M training plan yesterday, with the  mid weeks looking like 4+6+4. The travel and rest weekends are mostly synchronized. The peak mileage is still in the 60-miles range, not much different from the 100M plan. What then is the difference? I'm trying this on for size right now, to see how I feel. 

Also I'm doing more Implementation Intentions -- When this happens at this time I will _____ planning. Like, at 8pm when the meal is over I will leave Moria. When I come home I will have a glass of water, go upstairs to wash my face, and find a chore to do. 

Also working on Identity work: If I want to be an athlete, then I need to do things that athletes do. If I want to be more race-weight-ish, I need to make choices that get me there. Then planning two minute goals towards those. First, two minutes a day of mindful mediation. Two minutes of flexibility and/or PT.

And Thought Dumping as a way to break the Bounce Into Moria over and over cycle, like last night. I just kept going back, knowing full well that it wouldn't change anything, I'd just come back again. I TD'd it, found the tension in my shoulders, and broke out of it. Good!

I'm overwhelmed, and on the wrong track. I'm redirecting.

RUN 8.25 miles, to work and back on Huron

I finally did it - run commuted to work! Easy to do on Sunday when I only had a few minutes of work to do. Get in, get out. Don't linger. OK, I lingered a bit. But got stuff done. It's not a great route, but it was the "medium" way, I could have taken the bike commute and been less trafficked. 

It was my second run this week, for a total of 14.25 miles. Not the 20 I'd planned a few days ago when I tried to re-work my schedule. Not the 40-something that's been in my schedule since this started. Not the Toledo Marathon I planned on running today. 

On the run I listed to more of the Wise As F$ck books, and in a chapter about loss, I realized I'm grieving a loss. I've never thought of it that way. I may have to listen to the book again to get exactly what I'm supposed to do with that realization. But I think it has something to do with accepting it and not wallowing in it. 

I'm grieving multiple losses, multiple levels and I need to think on it more. I'm missing my marathon. I'm going to have to accept that I'm going to miss the 100 miler. 

Regarding the 100 miler. My long runs are flat, I don't have the energy.  Where is it? Instead of fighting that question, let's just accept it for now. And when my running does build up, I feel some of the old aches and pains from before. 

I'm out of energy and I'm not biking. I have Puppy ready to ride, but I just don't feel it yet. I don't bike. I don't ride Bird, so the weather can't be an excuse. I don't swim. I don't get to the gym. It's become run-run-run only. I'm going down the same hole I went down before. 

I can't do that again. Nope.

And speaking of not ever again - M. 40 days now clean. Is that another loss I'm grieving? More like celebrating, but I'm grieving the loss of the coping, the dopamine, the release. That, I will get over. I can accept it. 

I'm grieving the loss of a life that's gone. This ended up in a long email to LA, spilling out in a random flow of thoughts and sputters of revelations. I didn't have details, just grievances and frustrations. I didn't have solutions either, and without solutions I'm just gonna stay stuck.

The summer schedule is different than it used to be, I'll have different commitments and schedules and responsibilities. I need to accept that. 

Somethings I realized on my run today. 

1.  I need to drop to the 50M or even the 50K. I need to accept - that my body is not ready to go from 0 to 100 in a year, my schedule can't accommodate it, and my life has changed. I know these things, but knowing is not accepting. 

I'm looking forward to biking with kids, running with them, running while they back, mornings at the track and looking for 5K races they can do. S expressed interest in that, and I'm excited by it. 

2.  I need to sell off my of my triathlon gear, I don't know how or where yet, but I'm not a triathlete like I used to be and don't need all the gear and storage. Someone else can use it. Because right now, it's just a reminder of what I used to be, and not what I am now. 

3. Private for LA, haha. 

First run since Saturday. It's Thursday!

RUN 6 miles in 1hr 1 min, ave HR 146 bpm, and ave cad 172 spm

And I don't know if I really wanted to do this. I was sluggish, flat, no pep, nothing. My muscles were sore and tired during the run as if it was my first 6 miler and/or I was overworked - pained a bit and lifeless. 

So let's break this down. 

1. Nutritional deficiency? Well, the dairy I'm eating like all day is pushing things off my plate. So I already know that's gotta dial back. See below.

2. Sleep? Averaging 7.5 hours this week, so that's probably OK.

3. Hydration? I think it's low, given my BMs lately. Does cheese really constipate people? Work on this next few days (the water) because if it occurs to mind at the end of the day that you might not have had enough to drink, well, maybe you didn't.

4. Salt? Oh, I eat lots of that.

5. Stress? Oh, that too. Lots. Even after Monday. I think my stress will get better once I have a summer run and travel calendar finished. The blank calendar is on my desk, waiting for time to start on it. 

More stress? I'm feeling overwhelmed again, so there's something somewhere. 

I've decided to NOT do the Toledo marathon, or the half marathon. I'm not sure yet what I'm doing this weekend. Patrick suggested repeating the 20 miler, if I didn't do a race. So I'm thinking on it. 

More on the dairy.

1. I'm not even enjoying it anymore.

2. Weight loss is stalled.

3. It's pushing other foods off my plate.

So the rule gotta be, one serving a day or recipe only. Because making a meal of mostly cheese is losing all around for me. 

My Thoughts Create My Emotions

 Notes from a Coach meeting

My thoughts create my emotions. 

I need to take ownership, because I create my results or my lack of results. 

Blaming others gives away your control. 
You feel out of control, powerless, helpless when you've given away your responsibility. 

Whatever we're doing that feels out of control, whether it's emotional eating, binge watching TV, shopping, sex, drugs, alcohol -- you're facing in inner conflict, feeling terrible, and thinking "there's nothing I can do". 

But if there's a problem --> It's You. 

Ask, "what is my part in this?" 

It's more empowering to ask instead:
    How can I make this work?   How can I make this easier? How can I make this fun?

HOW CAN I FIX THIS?