December starts off in Nashville, and in stress

Monday nothing
Tuesday 25 min RUN/WALK with Nova
Wednesday nothing, snow, turkey cooking morning
Thursday, another nothing

Friday, I forget
Weekend, I got long dog WALKS on both days.

Monday we got in bed around 230 am, I was up at 7am (how?!) and back to work in a busy pre-surgery pre-holiday week. Renewed interest in WHBM type shopping, self care, and it was a good weekend overall to start the month. LA and I are both on edge, snippy, and short tempered. We're OK, but the stress is really underlying everything it seems. Waiting for STEP results and tired from traveling.

Tuesday up to run with Nova, then to work. Last night M3 was OK but random. I need to find casserole multi serving things to help. 

Wednesday the calendar says that next Tuesday before surgery is a new moon at 6:32pm. I need to quit deciding things based on the moon phase. But...New....metaphorphosis, evolution, again, repeat. I said this too in October before the surgery was delayed. Here I am again. Get specific. Get into it. Try dammit. 

Thursday no oats last night, and my gut feels so much better today. Yesterday, after Tuesday's oats for dinner, I was full and pained and bloated and heavy. Yesterday 1336, today 1308. Go figure. Lots of stress with the planning to go to Madison this weekend. I'd much rather we stay home and rest but I'm OK to go. LA, I think he needs down time to rest and get stuff done, he seems to want to go. I already like Madison, I don't need to take yet another weekend on the road to see it. 

Friday  not oats and no dates last night, and 1314 before a big BM. Finally the oats from the other night, haha? OOOhhhh some FB, regretted. Rice, regretted. I didn't want it but I wanted.....something. We did get a nightly dog walk, I did get to bed at 9pm, reading and Russian. 

Still no morning exercise, we're both stressed out waiting for the STEP 2 results.

Saturday and Sunday LA slept in A LOT, stress, waiting, and thankfully in the end we didn't go to Madison. We didn't need to. We needed this rest. What I didn't need though  was to find gluten free oreos, munch all day until I feel queasy, and still feel so unsatisfied and stressed. 

I have more excuses...

Monday Long day at work, nothing
Tuesday Step2 and hand therapy morning, ice and snow, nothing yet. Afternoon cold dog walk!
Wed Vande interview and we slept in until 8am!?
Thursday repeat of Monday
Friday RUN 3.1 miles solo felt great, then STRESS as we try to get out of town on time
Saturday and Sunday, Nashville

I'm running out of things to say here, but not really. Monday was a full moon morning, "change", then M3 isn't change at all. I 'repent', pray for change, think "I could start in December" and "I could start after STEP2", and ugh, all the procrastinations and delays and excuses. "I should start a bullet journal". "I can go to the gym tonight instead". "I could do an app workout at home". I've said all this so far, just today, and it's only 930am. 

I really  just want to focus on M3, fixing M3. No phone, sit, no rush. 

Weds - last night I recovered from Monday's 250+ CO, and there will be no change until I change. There's so much I want to say here, so many problems I want to solve, so many thoughts, so much help I want to find. But sadly I have to go to work!

Ugh, what a Friday. RUSHED.

Sat and Sun, 1300 and I come back monday dehydrated and full at 129.4
Renewed interested in WHBM type shopping!

Repentance, Prayer, Raise Your Glass!

Monday LONG work day, I didn't even walk the dog, then sat 2 hours Battlestar show
Tuesday RUN 3 miles in the rain!
Weds too busy, travel day
Thursday RUN RACE! 3 miles Turkey Trot
Friday Saturday Sunday nothing it seems, no, LA and I RAN/WALK 2-3 miles Saturday

Skip Monday
Tuesday woke up to 135-ish, depending on when I measured. Fucking bloody hell I'm losing ground. A dose of reality though:

1. M3 is a 300-500+ EXTRA fest
2. Exercise, gym, effort is a zero
3. 1200MP is more like 1700+
4. Azuc on Saturday, and it was like an immediate flux in size

How about a dose too though of goodness and gratitude:

1. I can change, repent, focus. I've done it before
2. I'm healthy, relatively perfect really, with no real hindrances
3. I have a good plan, and I need to follow it

And a few notes as to what the problems are:

1. I procrastinate, "tomorrow", "next time", "after surgery"
2. I'm my own saboteur, and knowing that I can get out of my own way
3. I think I can just "get away with it", make changes and be inaccurate
4. I'm always finding excuses to justify what I do

Think on this, for now get to work!

Wednesday woke-up to 1328. Still lost ground, but, ugh, better. Yesterday more positive mentally, "praying".

Thursday  Turkey Trot with Ar, Sa, Michelle and Kaitlynn. FUN!! We finished to Raise Your Glass song, and I downloaded it!

Friday Saturday Sunday not much, LA and I tried to run 2-3 miles Saturday but it ended up being a lot of walk and talk. 

I'm noticing a pattern of loss the day after travel. Coffee dehydration? Even with decaf?

30 Days, New Moon

Monday nothing yet, ugh
Tuesday, same
Wednesday, stayed home and indoors, talking. Needed this
Thursday. again - misunderstood my hand appointment and lost time. Walked dog!
Friday barely a walk, and a long text conversation with LA about our schedules
Weekend of chores, LA studying, me eating, we did RUN about 2.5 miles Sunday, 

Monday woke up in a negative distracted mood. I'm frustrated, and projecting these frustrations and I really need to sort this out. Later. On the bus this morning, I looked for "30 days ..." books. Yesterday on the drive back to AA I was thinking about what books I can get on LA's Audible. 8 credits. In thinking, I found a yearning, a real need and pull, to find a something that gives me answers on how to get my life feeling like it's on track. Like, some guide with instruction and guidance. I have JBP books now on Audible. I've read all the Habit Willpower Change etc books and feel.... lost. Why can't I change? Why do I feel stuck? Why do I project my feelings of failure onto someone else? Like last night, when I got frustrated with LA's reasons/excuses to not be able to change, and here I need to make my own damned changes. Ugh. 

Ineffective day so far. Lots done. Nothing done. I want to go home, but I want to get soooo much done. I have a long list of books to read, currently Pride and Prejudice in my ear and I'm not listening. I just finished a waste on youtube watching the Black Stallion end race. Ugh. I can read and listen and research, but in the end it just boils down to Actions. 

My legs are swollen and my pants fit less-than-ideally. Frustrating. 

Tuesday Hand therapy and flu shot today. New moon at 4-something am. Wearing my pink shirt from funeral today. Don't want to die with the same problems I have now. The STL interview was rough yesterday and led to discussions of maybe not ranking stl. I pushed back and said I can't keep flip flopping and changing minds and changing plans day by day. He felt bad about the interview, but I felt bad that I wasn't in a state to discuss it. 1334 today, legs swollen and still chest (but not painful at least). Maddening to have this then still have M3 issues (yesterday +oat +oat +jam, but NOT date!!!! I put it back!!!). 

ETA I drank the bulk of my water before I left work, then didn't get to 8pm being a pained water balloon. But I still stood to eat, stressed, and distracted. Cold and on the phone.

Wednesday Ultrasound, talked to LA about the recent stresses, habit changes, and how I'm trying to deal with the uncertainties of this residency thing. 28 days to surgery, 121 days to Match Day. 432 days of M being gone. I've deleted Reddit, I've killed a Monster and a Balrog, I've changed my habits in many places. Yet I still struggle with changing M3, what more can I do??

ETA I repeated water, success. Had sit down dinner of 2x veg and turkey and acorn squash. Then +potato +butter +oat +butter +oat +butter +date +date. UGH. 1700+ No wonder. 

Thursday I need to get my schedule sorted out, twice this week went on the wrong day for therapy. Mood has come back to normal and upbeat. My weight is the same 1330. I'm meal planning today and seeing bread and peanut butter appearing, and I feel some apprehension about it. THINK on this. 

Friday One year since Sugar died, I realized that yesterday. I'm still having similar come-home issues. Now LA and I want to make changes to our mutual schedules. So I have a calendar on my desk, and he's trying to tell me I need less sleep. No. I need sleep. My gel just finished (and didn't work, don't know why). I need to get to the mouse house. But here I sit....  GO! 

Residencies, Hand Therapy, FOCUS

Monday LA and I ran about 1.5-2 miles
Tuesday we RUN again just under 2 miles
Weds rain and nothing so far
Thurs travel day and busy!
Friday post travel and busy!
Weekend, with kids and just seemed rushed. Sunday travel 

Monday, I started reading the Stolen Focus book. I've waited for months to get the audiobook and finally just got the hardback. Ironically, the book is about (at least in the first chapters) about getting away from the distractions of iPhones etc. 

This has been on ongoing years-long goal for me - to cut back on the phone. I've quit Reddit, all news (actually blocked on my phone!), and then I download a picture block game. To my surprise, it was used 88 minutes yesterday!?!?!?  DELETED!!! 

And I'm away when I'm visiting family for example, that I make the excuse "gotta check my work email" and well I do but it's bullshit and I feel like shit lying like that.

Last week LA was lamenting his weight gain, his possible failure of height/weight, and his lack of healthy eating. Travel is hard, I get it, but I'd made a goal while meal planning that I'd extend my foods to offer to him. He can choose what to eat of it, but I made recipes that he'd like. And while we are now 3/3 last days of sit-down dinners, I'm still anxious and I'm projecting mine onto him. Not fair to him.

Last night, I warmed up plates to eat almost as soon as we got home. He was doing STEP study at the table. I warmed and started munching right away. A persimmon, not on plan, then my veg, then guac, then veg, then....ugh. Instead of really waiting for him to be done with questions, I started eating my veg at the table. He's done, he notes that I didn't wait, I know, I didn't, lame excuse. Then we eat and I see that he's hurrying. Then he wants seconds, then he turns down the potato I made for him ("too many starches") and I eat it instead?! I ate much of it, threw the rest away, but off plan. Then phone call and I'm anxious and bouncing. LA gets out his pita chips and preserves, I ask about starches, he says he wanted these instead of the potato. Is he really hungry? Is he really going to eat the entire 8 servings of preserves? Am I really going to sit here and continually judge him?!? UGH. STOP. 

What did I do? persimmon, potato, butter, and dates, all off plan. Look in the mirror!

Tuesday I make a point this morning to NOT look at my phone until 8am. Success. No game in the bathroom, a book. No email until after 8am. GOOD. I had my first hand therapy appointment this morning, I'm dubious and feel like my problem is silly. Until later when I open a door handle or pet the dog or lean on furniture and it hurts. I feel like my exercises aren't really towards the problem but I'll do them for sure. 

Wednesday M3 plus 300-400 = not good. Why?! Same as the last few nights, same pattern. I'm making changes in a good way, then making changes to compensate in a bad way. 

Thursday Hand therapy and work, leaving early to go to Chenoa, then drive back. Ugh. Bed at 330am, but nailed the nutrition plan!! Aside from a few potato chips I didn't count up. 

Friday Slept in as much as I could then was surprisingly functional at work. 1284 this morning!!

Saturday meal prep and only M1 per plan. Then rice and candy. 

Sunday post binge (OK not really a binge) 1350. I could cry 

November begins, changing!

Monday 30th RUN 2 miles, 1 mile with Nova
Tuesday travel back to AA from IL
Wednesday catchup from travel, Nova and I jogged a Dicken loop before I hopped a bus
Thursday I did a short walk/run in the am and in the pm with Nova. More walk than run. Jog.
Friday Nova and I did a 1.5 mile run with a little bit of walking early, still dark out!

I came home last night (Tuesday) to 1282, with a pained and heavy gut, and probably dehydrated. This morning (Wednesday) was 1270 post bm! Holy shit! Is it real. DON'T fuck this up. 

Much less salt than normal when I travel. I was drinking, but less than usual hydration? DON'T fuck this up. 

Thursday 1294.  I came home from work cold and tired, in an audiobook, lonely and cold, and said "i'm only going to eat a portion", ate it listening to a book and reading, then ate more, then rice and oats, then I FINALLY took my coat off!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK?

Friday 1302. Not surprising but disappointing. M3 is still an extra 3-400! Last night me and FutureBee put away the spice grinder and oats. I really gotta fix M3. 

Saturday LA came back!! I did M1 and M2 meal prep. Sunday M3. I ended up buying a lot of food it seems - $150 ish, lots of basics though like vinegars and mustards. But my goal was also to have prepared food for LA. 

Both Saturday and Sunday - I kinda followed meal plan but fell off, LA's goober jam and preserves and dates, and -- but I can say -- no spice grinder meant no extra oats or rice!!

Candy - remember that?! And my "MBP"

Nothing much at all in training to mention. My left hip -- arthritis? Aggravated? I didn't run at all last week, didn't bike at all. Or gym!

Monday We have a dog, she's home alone for the first time for 2 hours as a test. Please be good! Yesterday I had to go shopping for pants, black ones in case I need them this week, and while there found green pants that I like! Wearing them now. Coincidentally, or was it, I watched the video Friday or Saturday night and it reminded me of that look. A goal. 

My MBP: To fully recover from my Monsters and lose the weight that came with them, so that I like who I am on the inside and like what I see on the outside. 

Goal is to lose weight. Why? I don't like how I look. Why not? I see my failures, my lack of progress when I look in the mirror. Why does this bother you? It's a reminder of Monster, the years of it? Why don't you want to remember? Because it's still here? Why is it still here? I'm not fully recovered. Why is this a problem? Because every day it hangs over me, every day I have to get past the same dislikes and habits. Why does every day have to be that way? Because every day I face Moria and look in a mirror. And I don't like what I see there. 

Tuesday Meeting with the boss who thinks I can accomplish the unrealistic in a short amount of time. Can I? Who's wrong here? Walked multiple times during the day, including a quiet calm warm at night walk with Nova under the moon. Another standing random meal for M3. FIX. 

Wednesday RUN 1-1.5 miles with LA, my first run in over a week!! At least since before the kids weekend October 13th or so. Felt great. And a COMMUTE, at least a half (rain expected later) and the first also since before the 13th. 

Today is a special day, and gets a special post!

Waiting now for days for news about gramma. Always in the back of my mind. 
ETA - wednesday night got stressful - phone call went bad. LA was off studying, distracted. We went to bed, without really spending good time together. I was frustrated (again) that he put her energies to someone else (he was upset after call) and not to me, when I was directly trying for it. But we're OK. 

Thursday Dog walk in the morning, post-rain super colorful trees, warm and calm. How long will this last? The wet leaves would make for a slippery commute, and today is my first day wearing the wrist brace. I'm painting on the mountains watercolor. Gramma, still waiting, it's painfully long for us and hopefully not for her. 
ETA Shortly after getting home, I got the call about Gramma. Love you, and please be at peace with Grampa Joe.

I stopped buying rice cakes, and now without those I range repeatedly through the kitchen, full but dissatisfied. 

Friday LA was up 3am and left before 5am for MO, I'm on my own with Nova until next Sunday (maybe even Monday morning). And Nova has her first full day alone, I'm keeping it as short as I can. 

I don't have plans for traveling back home, yet, but I do have many many things I want to get done this weekend - and so tomorrow will be chores, meal prep, and errands in a bit to get through the first half of November done for chores. 

Weekend Got so many chores done! Caught up, lots of oats munches, NO AZUC. All meal prep into next sunday. Readied for travel.

Monday and Tuesday Travel to and from Illinois for Granma and family.