179 days, and the last two didn't help; but these last few are better; last two didn't help again

Saturday and Sunday - NOTHING, except Moria
Monday - HIIT 15 mins and 1.5-ish RUN miles with LA, COMMUTE 7.2 miles
Tuesday - rest, and COMMUTE 7.2 miles. I'll get a walk in (ETA - long walks to MoHo)
Weds - HIIT 15 mins and 2.35 mi RUN, COMMUTE 7.2 miles
Thursday - Planned to walk, but slept in and painted, COMMUTE 7.2 miles
Friday - HIIT 15 mins, RUN 2 miles, COMMUTE 7.2 miles
Saturday - just walks, not much, gut upset and pain
Sunday - ELLIPTICAL! 50 mins, and a 60 min evening WALK

Weekend- LA worked, I was home - happily after 3 weekends away - and I got all the chores done, all the shopping, cleaning, cookup. Best of all - Painting!! I painted the yellow/brown barn with the evergreen trees. But as for progress towards 6 months (what will I call this day?) I ate a bunch of raw oats (seriously) Saturday, hummus, cooked veg. I'm not sure which it was or all, come'on it was the oats munch with my stupid rice grits, my gut ached and hurt and swelled and ugh all weekend. Here on Monday morning, the last of it seems to be improving. 

I have a slightly different meal plan for this week, a quinoa salad instead of pasta in the chicken salad. The original plan was to have a better chicken salad, more of a "bowl", but I unintentionally stripped it of stuffs like sunflower seeds, hemp seeds, butternut squash - to make a roma tomato, no seeds, carrot salad. So now my "bowl" is just greens, roma, dressing, and chicken. Plan better! I can still stir the salads together, that would recapture the original intent of a Meal. 

Monday - Last week remember I thought about stopping the 6 weeks HIIT plan to start a 4 week different challenge, one that would end pretty much the morning of surgery. Well, I wavered, didn't do it Saturday or Sunday, then today realized I did want to finish the 6 weeks. Happily, I did it today, two more and done, then Decide.

Also Decide on Noom. I'm paying for a meal logging service?! Decide this week. 

Monday night - I biked home to alone, and Stuck stepped in. I did wait, as promised, then Blindness set in and I started eating M3 alone. I tried to be focused, but I couldn't see what I was doing. It was bouncing, expanded into Denials azuc and oats and little bowls. Faithless said I couldn't quit. Then Externalize told LA that puds was "for dessert" and "high calorie".

Tuesday - Rest day, Russian day 1200 that started off with a ....., is there an emoji for that? How could today be better. 
Faithful will come home and wait. Clean will make sure the dishes are done and repacked, and find a short chore to do. Learn will sit at the art desk and Puzzle will figure out how to paint the windows. M3 with LA, phone call, and Move will get us out for a short walk to calm down. 

Tuesday night - Came home, chores and waited until about 6. Then RC and salad, doing OK, LA is home, I finish salad. That should be it. Anxiety of phone call - More RC, coconut milk with some Azuc and rice grits (threw most out, but still), banana, hummus. Then my big L of water, and SICK. Pain, anxiety, discomfort, unhappy. 

Wednesday - I'm going back to 10-8, and already started good today. I didn't mention that yesterday I "grounded" in a quiet dark place when the anxiety got bad, but I should have started right as it started, as in, right away. Don't wait! This worked! But it needs practice. Much like my Russian bl. 

Plan. BTW Faithful is really aka Fly. Come home and wait. Wait until a chore is done (make a list, now), Sit to paint with half of the water, and Learn to paint sand. The colors are a Puzzle. Fly away from Moria, have a plated salad with LA home, during phone call..... FIX THIS. 

Wednesday night - It went OK, home to chores and waiting but there's underlying anxiety and bounciness. I repack and clean and paint, but I'm picking at my salad. Slowly at least. But distracted by videos or audiobook, not focused or paying attention. Phone call was short, LA home around the time I was almost done with my salad. Then he wanted rice pudding. Ugh. I made it and dipped into the sugar multiple times, MULTIPLE. On the plus side - today I did the IF goal, I waited, I didn't walk out feeling too sick, and I feel bloated and swollen and heavy. Hormones?

Thursday - Feeling swollen confirmed, I'm up to 1344. 10 days now out of the 129s (it feels much shorter). Ugh. It feels like such a fail, all this. Noom and HIIT and meal planning. But be HONEST here, am I following the meal plan? Not after 6pm. Am I avoiding the azuc as planned. Not for the last 3 days. What do I do next?? FOLLOW the PLAN. Pay attention instead of surfing the phone and being distracted. I like that I'm painting again, I like that I'm going for the IF. I like that I'm one day away from finishing my 6 week HIIT goal. Lots of other wins to consider. 

Thursday night - Better! Much! 12-8 IF, skipped a meal to accommodate CO. I came home and waited, but still nommy about the salad, but only one extra RC and half a banana! Much better. I feel swollen, my chest sensitive, being up to 1342 - is it hormones? I sure as hell hope so. 

Friday - I finished the 6 weeks of the HIIT, now what for the final three weeks going into surgery?! Today, I'm set about another 12-8 IF, and I'm going to write out a meal plan for the weekend to follow. 

Saturday and Sunday -  Another weekend of goals, and fails. But in a win, I did make it to the gym. I did create a Bullet Journal list (that again), and I'm still trying. But uh, azuc+FB+oat yesterday. 

182 Days, 6 months, 26 weeks, 4368 hours

Yesterday on my walk I heard Coach Patrick saying that I can make changes NOW to be in a different place, be a different person, have different health, in 6 months. 

Yesterday I also looked up when Match Day 2024 is - March 15. Six months from today.

Where do I want to be in 6 months? 

According to my spreadsheet maths, I'll be mathematically close to or at goal. At one-half to one a week, do the math. The curve will approach zero as it gets closer though.

I'll be 5 months post surgery, and hopefully fully recovered by then, back to normal if not more. 

We'll know in six months (maybe earlier) where we will be going next summer. Here, there, somewhere, anywhere but here. 

But really what I want is to be in shape and that means in shape and also in the shape I want to be in. I still miss my old athleticism, my old body, my old ways. I'm not trying to be the same as I was "before", but I can be a better version of myself, more aligned with "before". 

RA is now 129, tomorrow would be 1 week!

Monday REST dear gawd just rest
Tuesday HIIT 15 mins, RUN 2 miles, WALK 1 mile
Wednesday HIIT 15 mins, RUN 2 miles, COMMUTE 3.6 miles
Thursday WALK 2 miles, COMMUTE 7.2 miles
Friday HIIT 15 mins, RUN 2 miles, COMMUTE 7.2 miles

Monday - Yesterday we were supposed fly STL to ORD to DTW, but ended up driving. Hit the pillow in AA around 4am. Left that wonderful pillow around 630am. Work 8-5. Oh so tired. 

But happily still 1292 this morning, and hoping that the post-travel flux I sometimes see is favorable. 

I'm seeing change! What did I change to get here?
Removed the fake butter, limited the rice cakes to 2 a day, limited the oats to 200/day, measured the hummus. I'm still no mammalian, no dairy (super few exceptions), no sugar or gummies (some sugar exceptions), and no nut. Minimal rice, certainly no "grinder" rice. 

Amazingly, almond butter and PB in our house - and it's perfectly SAFE with me. 

Tuesday -  I'm really happy - I did my missed HIIT workout instead of skipping it! Not so happy that the 129 is gone up to 131. Ugh. I'm "off" most of my meal plan, doing random but only for M3.  I'm happy that my recovery from Sunday/Monday seems pretty good.

Wednesday -  I'm happy that I continued on my HIIT schedule, week 5. Super not happy that the 131 is now 133.WTF. I'm "on plan" for all but M3. What is M3 last two nights? Munch-noms, repeats, distracted, changed because my stuff isn't prepacked. 

Tonight- fucking get prepacked!! Make a list to do and do it. 

Thursday -  I did it, I did the cook up and I'm back on track today. This morning LA was in his 2nd ON shift in the ER, so I walked alone, Mershon and back, as per goal. Painted some on the pansies too. 
Podcast for the walk was Coach Patrick - where do you want to be in 6 months (March, match day!) and what changes will you make to get there - START TODAY. New moon today at 21:39.

It's not the moon. It's ME. 
I'm frustrated that yesterdays 1338 is today 1342. WFFT. 5# swing?!

ETA - see next posts for the 6 months idea follow up

Friday - Week 5 is done for HIIT! I looked yesterday for a short workout schedule to bridge to the surgery. I found a 4 week challenge, but to fit it in I need to cut off the last week of the current schedule. Decide!! It starts tomorrow! Good run, solo, LA in bed with the ER schedule changes having an impact on his sleep schedule. Tonight it's 3-11pm, so I won't see him until tomorrow. 

364 days. 30%. 120’s.

Thursday we WALKED with EW in FoPa
Friday HIIT 15 mins and RUN 2 miles

Today is ending up to be sort of a special day. Tomorrow will be one full year without the monster and it's sort of hard to believe that I actually did it. Also, today on the scale at the hotel it read 125.4! Well, I don't think that's exactly accurate. It does show a good trend and I'm looking forward to seeing that number for real back in Ann Arbor. Also a Noom today said that I was 30% to goal! And in other great news, Lev's found out yesterday that he did, in fact, pass his step one exam! What a week so far this has been nuts

I'm also not one full week into a no sugar, two rice cake only, to serve oatmeal only, great meal plan that seems to be working for me. I am now a couple salad days into the 120s and I'm finally seeing progress. I looked back now and see all the denial and blindness that I was ignoring – by eating honey by eating extra rice cakes by eating extra oatmeal. Oatmeal.

Today, I mostly by myself hanging out in a hotel and usually this is a terrible time for me. I get bored and turned to food for distraction. I'm doing that a little bit today, but it is much better than usual. I have no urge for monster, no urge for or doing everything, and on top of that, even though my stomach is a little upset from I'm not sure what things seem to be going. Pretty good. Lev's and I are planning on going for sushi this evening and I'm trying to keep this in my budget, but I'm worried that it's going to put me over a little bit. Maybe I can have a little bit tonight and then save some for tomorrow?

Either way, what a fantastic week so far today at midnight. It will be one full year and I'm so proud of myself! Oh, and I just have to mention I did finally get to Walmart to buy new clothes and bought myself a new pair of pants that will look great in another week or two!

Voice dictated. 

FINALLY 29

HIIT 15 mins
RUN 2 miles to return a DVD
COMMUTE 3.6 or ?? Depends

I woke up to 1306, but post workout and more T=6.5 it was 1294. I logged it as 1298. My HJ are great too!! 

I need to work on my anxiety. The head-spinning from topic to topic, the mad rush of thoughts, the assailment of mean things I tell myself. Please work on this. 

Labor Day weekend, new lows and new highs

Friday HIIT 15 mins and 3 mile RUN, COMMUTE 7.2 miles
Saturday and Sunday, nothing really, tried a run with AEA but we walked
Monday HIIT 15 mins and 2 mile RUN

Travel weekend, Friday left work to drive to IL, overnight in IN, drive back to AA in morning. So tired. 

Sunday we got to rest and be a family.

Monday we drove back to IL then back to AA that same day.

I hate being in the car right now. 

I stuck to plan, really easy when you're stuck in a car! I need to plan for this weekend, 4 days of travel but not in a car. PLAN.

My anxiety was overwhelming this weekend, yesterday morning when ABA hit the car door into another car - I had no reserve of calm left. My heart started pounding, I couldn't see or talk, my hands shaking - it was a near-full anxiety moment. 

But 2RC/day, no AZUC, no extra rice or oats, no extra hummus. Damn. It's hard. But it's working.

New low 0.2.

----

Separately, yesterday was 5 years since the SCAD hospitalization. 

And this Friday is ONE YEAR!!!!

Fail, burn, hurt; Fly Away and try again

Friday HIIT 15 mins, RUN 3 miles under 30 mins, COMMUTE 7.2 miles

Last night - all the best SuperBlueMoon intentions, all gone in 24 hours. Well, not all. I did succeed in avoiding tupperwares. Oh, no, I didn't. Tofu. I came home to rushed face wash, gummies, 2' only of journaling, rushed RC and hummus and honey, phone call. So short. Well salad with phone (catfish, iroll) lead to tofu and tofu and hummus "measured" with a teaspoon, then onto meal prep and catfish and TVP with coconut aminos then with azuc then azuc then oats and azuc. As I was bringing the oats up, Lillian was there at the top of the steps. I wanted to stop. I didn't. 

To get out, and as per goal, I went to target to replace 3 pieces of ill-fitting and ragged clothing. Total fucking fail. The size - small- is OK, but the fit is awful. I look terrible. OK, denial, maybe I should have tried medium (I looked, honestly, but they had only small and large). I left the fitting room in anxiety and self loathing.

I looked awful. I've been Blind to how I look, used my home mirrors. I'm in Denial that I looked bad, it just didn't happen yesterday. I Externalize by comparing to others "worse" than me. I'm stuck in the Rut of Habits that's causing this. I Know exactly what to do about it, yet I don't. I'm acting Faithless in myself, thinking that the rest of my life would be like this. 

I realized this morning in my shower the difference between Blindness and Denial. Blindness is when you don't see the damage because you're just being stupid. Denial is when you know, but you do it anyway. For example - I was blind to the hummus because I thought I knew what a Tablespoon was. The Denial is in thinking that well hummus ain't that much, I didn't eat enough to cause a 2-3 gain and then realizing the denial is in forgetting that hummus comes with rice cakes and honey and repetition. 

Reframe. Clean this mess up, and have nice meals. Puzzle has already figured out the meal plan. Learn from these mistakes, and use Puzzle to find ways to break the habit chain. Move, move out of Moria and move into a better life. Fly, away from all this negativity and habits and terrible thinking.