Finally. I'm feeling normal again.

COMMUTE 7.6 miles

Finally I'm feeling 'me' again. I was awake early at 4am-something and the time was lost thinking about all the shits going on. My mind jumping from topic to topic. 

Talk to Lillian. 

Then I focus on LA. And that focus...well... 

I'm awake, alert, have an appetite. 

More frustrations spill out

COMMUTE 7.6 miles

I got a much better (and unassisted) sleep last night, a nice 930-630 of mostly right through sleep. Much needed, and I woke up much more clear headed than the last 3 days. And still more frustrations spill out. Is it OK to keep these in, or better OK to let them out? 

Today, it was the email I got from ULAM (kindly cc'd to the division chair) about how I'm LATE getting the protocol submitted and I have only until Sunday to get it to them. That started a rant about work, and a vent (also a need for advice) about working situations. 

Yesterday the food processer I didn't want arrived, and I insisted that it's sent back. Why? All I wanted was to WAIT and not RUSH to get something we probably don't need. And certainly don't need for $300. Can I at least see if I can work without it, given that I barely used it anyway? No apparently not, it was a rush buy I didn't even get to read about. 

THEN - it becomes "my fault" because I'm not letting him be nice and buy things for me. What? I don't need THINGS. I need a hug. I need someone to also pick up a broom and sweep the floor. I need someone to prepare meals with me. I need support, not THINGS. $300. Ugh. 

And the kids phone calls. Misery. They act (are they acting?) like they don't like us. "I don't want to talk today". Sitting there with a sulky look on his face, like it just fucking PAINS him to have to sit and even consider dealing with us. There really isn't a God, is there, because if there was he'd show mercy to his loyal subjects and exempt them from phone call. Ha. But no, I have to act myself now, act like I'm not hurt by this two-faced switch of personalities. 

I know, they're kids in a shitty situation. But still, what loving God would do this to them? 

So frustrations. 

How to solve? Actionables?

1. MC offered to help with the protocol, so I took her up on it.
2. I need to tell MB and PA to stop bitching about MC to me.
3. I'll read reviews on the processor and see if my other processor will take it's place, then decide on returning it. I'm leaning towards returning it. 

4. Just keep acting, I guess. 

8-9-XX Why does this day sound familiar?

COMMUTE 7.6 miles

Why does this day sound familiar? 

2023 No M for now 335 days! Azuc start up two days ago. Failed dairy test a few days ago.

2022 A similar this "part of summer is over" post. There was still Azuc and M. Dairy.

2021 I was recovering still from ankle surgery, just starting bike rides

2020 2x TGP intervals on the bike, airbnb planning (fishers) and stress. 

2019 Post Badger week

2018 FoPa loop and swim, planning for Sunset Tri

2017 post eclipse and prep for hip surgery

2016 10x10 #3 for my 100s

2015 recovering from 18 miles at Greensfelder, talking about SCD

2014 last long ride of 72-some miles, Freeeeeeeburg

2013 rest day from running

I'm not going back any more than 10 years ago. Maybe it was Pigman race in 2011. Maybe I'm imaging it.

Well that's a lot of changes. Happy to see M not making an appearance in 2023, sad to see all the running and biking and swimming gone. 

I'm a month away from being M-free for a year. He's still there. Here. Whatever. 

Amelia. It's Amelia from those past 10 years. Now it's Lillian. 

LA asks this morning (and yesterday, and day before that) "what's wrong". I dunno. I'm so flat emotioned. My boss says I'm looking "subdued". People talk and I'm only kinda listening. My head is elsewhere. 

But where is that, really?  

Last night again raw-azuc and oats. This morning, I put most of azuc to basement, and committed to removing it. 

Feel heavy and swollen, hands and face and body. up to 4.4 this morning maybe 4.0 depending on the maths. No wonder I'm feeling so flat. I feel like I'm losing. 

All the frustrations coming out

COMMUTE 7.6 miles

We got to bed last night, and slept good. But I'm still behind on processing everything. I'm still not sure what it all is. We didn't run, just a Sugar Loop, then I bike to work. 

My emotions are flat. It might be just dealing with the change of habit. It might be that the old habits are there and THAT is what ruins my day. Like, think of last night.

I didn't bike home, I was physically feeling sick on top of the emotional strain. I slept about 20 mins in the conference room but I needed a break and a meal. LA picked me up, to Aldi, then home where I fell into Moria and bad habits as a way to cope. Or was it? 

Rice cakes, RawAzuc, Fakebutter, stuck in moria. I'd found a "nutella" with hummus, made that, then made steamed carrots, HB eggs, chicken, the hummus, cleaned out the fridge more of stale foods the kids wanted but wouldn't eat....

And I was there from ... 6pm until.... 8pm? Then I had dinner at 8pm (what was left of dinner, since I was picking at it before), then waited for LA to have dinner until almost 845pm, then a walk, then bed. 

I looked back over it and wanted to know - why didn't I get to do art or exercise yesterday?! I'm sooooooo tired, all i want to do is sit...yet I'm STANDING IN MORIA.

OK so where can I change this?!

I like to have everything prepped and cooked and DONE before the week starts, and OK so yesterday I was inefficiently doing stuff and too tired to do art anyway - but I didn't even get to sit and relax. No sitting on the patio, or the couch, or the bed. OK, granted, I did A LOT yesterday afternoon to be fair (in addition to foods above: hummingbird feeders, clean up bathroom shampoo mess, feed fish, sort papers, be available for phone call, clean up clutter around the house, work on laundry).

OK, so maybe being stuck in Moria wasn't my only issue last night. 
Calm down, just get to work, and think about how tonight can be better. 

Unable to title this yet -- too tired!

COMMUTE at least the ride in, the ride home...

It looks like it could rain, I'm tired and physically and emotionally frayed, LA might offer me a ride home as he usually does...I might take it.

I typed yesterday's Summer post in the car, as we drove back from MO. Both of us didn't miss that drive at all. I wonder how many more times we'll do it? Just until next May, or until the next next May? So much uncertainty.

A few things are certain.
1. Summer is over, summer with the kids anyway. But LA and I still have our summer, what will we do? We do less without the kids here, less tennis and bikes and parks.

2. The allergist appointment is in 8 days. I'm holding back on expecting definitive answers on everything, but I'm hoping we get a few nuggets to guide us.

3. Next Monday and then again the next next Monday is the STEP 1 exams. 

And with that, SO MUCH is taken off the table for us. Can we get back to focusing on us?

I've been giving so much to the family/household for support, and giving up so much of Me. My stained glass, art (draw and watercolor), my gym and running and exercise -- all fell apart. My diet kinda fell apart - still mostly good food but random and repetitive. 

I can get back on track, we can get back on track. I have to get back to work!

Good news though, after all the worry. Today 0.6!! Wow! 

Summer is over

Well, this part of summer is over. LA and I are stuck behind some traffic, at a standstill north of Muncie. The same Muncie, with billboards to remind me of that. 

The kids are gone, hours ago, in a weirdly emotionless exchange. I get a hug, but it's a flat hug without much behind it. I get it, they want to get home (ugh, that word again, home, so loaded with meaning) and the Other Parent is there and she's not even acknowledging that I'm here as I try to smile a Hi her way. Anyway, 10 weeks later and I feel like I'm dropped like a used up piece of paper. 

Summer is over, and I've been putting things off until this time. I do this. A cursory glance at the past … 14, 15? years… of this blogging will show that I Start Something a lot and I Will Change and the moon or a heart attack for some Meaningful Change means CHANGE. 

Yet, here I am. Again. 

What has changed? I haven't been to the gym in a month. Running? Maybe a few short miles. Commuting great, bike rides not great. 

LA has major diet changes that I followed. Eliminating mammal meat and dairy (except the yogurt I tried last Friday leading to Pain in the left hip, again) and cleaning up foods. No restaurants. Reduced snacks. But almost all carbs. Oatmeal and rice. Lots. 

Where am I going with this? 

I still want to change. I was 132-133 Friday. Now? Not sure after two days of inactivity and hotel life. 132-133, down from 137-139.  Towards goal, but not at goal. 

I'm trying to know my Future Self. In quiet moments, in stress moments. That's so hard, I can't even see her (hair not withstanding, long hair?). 

Where am I going with this? 

I'm recommitting. No meat or dairy. No nuts. Out with the upsetting junk jelly and ketchup, super reduce rice (rice cakes, ugh, monopoly) and carbs. Start tracking macros again, Noom  not helping there.

Talk to Amelia. 

Full Moon, New Month, Same Goals, New Bee

COMMUTE 7.6 miles 

RUN? Maybe in afternoon with kids

Yesterday I got a total of 12 miles bike, we bike to target and etc to buy hair dye. 

Also yesterday, I didn't completely follow the meal plan, but I did wait, preplan, PLATE, and leave on time!! Was kinda sad. ABA noted  that I "never" eat on a plate, AEA agreed, I usually eat on a "lid". Ugh. Then AEA found grape jelly on the plastic oatmeal lid, and it was "shame ms tracy". Busted. 

Not extra oats yesterday. Minimal standing. No extra rice. Win. 

Tuesday summary: COMMUTE 7.6 miles or whatever it is. No time for anything else but I did get two walks in. Busy day, 3 hours in mouse house. Great M3 again, cauli soup extra, plated as planned, then EXTRA rice cakes and EXTRA hummus. But that was all, and it didn't feel good. Even the gummies were good: 2 and 2, and as planned. Wait, did I do three?
I did some excel maths and found I'm barely making 0.5ppw loss, and don't see much pattern to "t o m" gaining, unless this month adds to a suggested pattern. But I do see improvement - under 35 for almost 3 weeks! Rolling average shows overall 1.5 drop, and 35 to 33 in past few weeks. 

Wednesday Thursday Friday Weekend...Busy, big harvest, stress, rush, go...