More new habits - went to the gym and did a run/walk of almost 7 miles

Saturday RUN 2.? miles and STRENGTH about 15 mins upper
Sunday RUN WALK 6.6ish miles to UM and back with LA

Saturday - I'm still very tired and unmotivated, a continuation of last week. I needed to get out of this, and one of the goals I'd set on my Weekend Wishlist was to run to the gym. And we did it! LA went to the camera mall instead and I did what I could of an upper body. The running - was flat and unenergetic and I just wanted to walk. We did walk the last half mile or more. 

The rest of the day - still low mood but errands and cleaning and clearing off my to do list. Lots of clearing!

On a down note though, my HJ don't fit almost at all. WTF happened?! This really fucked with my head. I mean really, and back down into a negative panic mood.

Sunday - I'd received a message that I needed to care for a sick mouse, so since we didn't bike last night like LA wanted (I proposed biking to work, but not last night) we decided on a run/walk to work. This was a long distance for me. I'm concerned about my hip and stress fractures forming and this and that and I keep putting myself down. We did it!! Yeah we walked a lot, but really I ran a lot too. A slow easy jog. 

The garmin estimates 53 mins running and 28 mins walking. Not bad at all. It felt great, and I didn't hurt as much as I feared. 

Before this though, LA and I had a talk and I'm going to make that a separate post. See Monday. 

So now I'm hitting goals, it feels good, and now as of Monday morning I'm not down in the dumps and flat energy. I have a few reasons to feel motivated and get going again. 

New Moon bike ride and habits!

Yesterday, in addition to a run:
BIKE 5.77 miles in about 27 mins, Puppy

I no longer have three bikes, so do I need to say it was Puppy? I do need to say - it was wonderful! I went south around the new drainage lake and around the high school area up 7th to Liberty. I was frustrated that my mind though about 'avoiding hills'. I expected to feel so winded and out of shape and flat-energy. I probably did, but I did OK if I did.

My left knee still has that super sharp on/off pain, that is bothersome! What da fuq?

Today (Friday) I'm trying to drag myself out of stress mode. The delay of court, the delay of STEP exam, that's all hitting me now this week, maybe in addition to hormones, but either way I'm so fucking tired and low energy. If I were to throw rocks (like that kid from the restaurant with the pod caster) I'd throw rocks into the lake and say :

    I'm tired of this!

    I'm stuck living like this

    I want things to be normal

    I want a normal life not stress

    I don't want to think about kids

    I don't want to think about moving next year

    I don't want to think about staying here

    I want to cut my hair

    I don't want gall bladder surgery

    I need a hug not accusations of "you're transferring" "you're snowballing"

            (btw, I did get a hug this morning)

    I need to feel progress, like we're getting somewhere with all this!

But taking a step back - there's progress!

    LA may have figured out dairy is a dietary issue

    LA is exercising and eating better

    LA is recognizing issues of stress and anxiety

    LA is almost a 4th year med student!

What, what about me?!

    I sold two of my bikes and I'm happier with the $$ and just Puppy

    ........

    .......

Um..... what about me?!

Well yesterday I did say I wanted new habits, I wanted certain changes. Last night I sucessfully did those changes! So let's report in:

    I came home, changed shoes, took off coat, went upstairs to wash up, changed and rode my bike!

    I came back from all that and stuck to my meal plan!

    I STOPPED at 8pm and didn't go back.

WIN! Do it again!

Another New Moon

RUN 2 miles under New Moon

Didn't catch the time, didn't look, didn't care. I was so flat-energy and tired, I'm just happy to have done it. 

I'm still tired. I think I could curl up somewhere and sleep. Why? Last few days like this. At least that headache is gone, the gut issues are gone, and I'm *just* tired. Last two nights I've slept heavy and without an alarm I'd really sleep in.

LA is 25 lbs down! He looks good, better is maybe the better word. He always looks good, I just mean it looks more comfortable. But even better is how it looks to be taking care of yourself. To make changes in your best interest and commit to them.

Thinking on that on the run, right around the same place I realized the Choose Your Own Adventure thing 2 days ago, I realized that I've recovered from some really tough shit 222 days ago!! Do I give myself credit for that? Well I should!! 

And I think to myself - oh changing habits is so hard. But I have changed. And I can keep changing. 

I'd like to try again the habit stack or protocol for coming home. My coming-home habits were hard to keep because each day would be different. Getting up - it's always the same: alarm to bathroom to habit. Coming home - it's sometimes on the phone, sometimes with groceries, sometimes leaving again. 

I can find a common point to be the hinge that I focus on. 

Atomic Changes

I don't like change, but here I want change. 

I'm listening to a new-to-me podcast by Hamilton Training and I have the urge to write them and ask about coaching. I've done this before, and $1500 dollars and a year later (actually, I think exactlyish one year from today...) I did learn a lot and I did make changes but was it worth it? Hmmm, I have wondered if I'd rather have a scooter to zip around town instead. 

But again, I want to talk to them. What would I say? Oooh, that's an interesting question. I know how to do workouts. I know I need to exercise. Macronutrients, calorie counting, I know all that. So what would I ask?? 

What is my goal, really? What is it that I want to change and what is it that I think I need the help of yet another nutrition coach for? 

I want to lose the 2019 weight I gained during the Time That Shall Not Be Named. 

It's a burden. A constant reminder of what I did. A daily weight to carry, to see in the mirror, to fit clothes over, to ignore in photos.

I want to have the confidence I used to have.
I want to have at least some of the fitness I used to have. 
I want to not be so damned bent out of fucking shape over all of it.
I want to quit thinking about it all the fucking time. 
I want to quit seeing myself as a failure who can't engage or succeed. 

Wow. And well, just, wow. 

Ok. 

So then, as they as in Atomic Habits -- what type of person has self confidence in fitness and body, what type of person feels successful and in control, what type of person makes good choices that result in confidence, success, and progress? 

Who do you want to BeeCome?! 

Choose Your Own Adventure

All the stress and thinking and worry - all postponed until later. That's been life lately, postponing things until later. 

But we are improving. LA quit dairy (and I quit back in ... December or early to great benefit) and his symptoms improved. He's sleeping better for a few reasons. His STEP was also postponed, until June? His work load is still high, might is too but the di -----  

TUESDAY RUN 1 miles

I stopped yesterday's entry, it was forced. On Monday my to do list shows "update training blog" so I tried. It started to go negative.

Today I had another gallbladder surgical consult. I still don't want it, but I feel like I'm out of choices. Why don't I want it? The anesthesia is a secondary issue. The primary issue the the CHANGE. More change. Change diet (for about 6 months), change workouts (no lifting over 10-15 lbs for a month, 4-6 weeks before you start to feel normal again), change work (1-2 weeks out!). This is what kept me from doing this last summer - this summary of changes. Last summer I was "training" for the ultra marathon H100, well I wasn't really in the end, but that was my excuse. 

And now? I'm barely "training". And I'm unhappy about that. And I'm unhappy about having a real excuse to set me back. I'm trying to get unstuck, and I feel like this surgery will just get me entrenched in stuck!

I woke up this morning feeling so heavy and sluggish. I went back to bed! And the headache, still have it at 1030am, wow what a headache. I rarely get those. But in good news my gut isn't aching and making awful noises.

Well back to topic, we did run, 2 miles and I didn't think I could do it and I didn't think I would do it, but the TLJ voice in my head was there (appeared over the weekend somehow, but it helps) pointing out my mental problems.

Towards the end of the 2 miles, I realized this is a Choose Your Own Adventure - I can be unhappy or I can be happy. I can focus on the good or the bad. I can CHOOSE. 

The Atomic Habits book came again to the Libby app. Reading it for the 4th? time. Why? I know the contents, I still like it though. It hints that I want change. HA!!!!! Read above, for how I don't want CHANGE but here I want CHANGE!

Figure this out!

Easter week and weekend

 RUN 2-3 miles today, with walking.

We're running, roughly M W T and 3 miles a day. He sometimes runs twice a day. Me? Not yet. 

I sold the Bird last week!!!! To a new cyclist and this is her first "real bike". It was my first one too. Tonight someone comes by to look at Frea. I have no regrets about selling them. My regrets lie in the past, I regret that I no longer have the abilities I used to have. 

I had the weekend to myself - LA in MO. Stressful at first because I didn't know what would happen Friday night (it was a rough week of phone calls) but all was well. I went to lab and erranded on Saturday, then cook up and clean up on Sunday. My 33 hour Napoleon audiobook filling my mind. The house -- oh, so clean.

I did the "balls sculpture" in Laumeir park sketch, then started the building in Forest Park. Vanishing points refresher! I just looked it up, the sculpture is called Sugabus, 2004. Um....ok.  6000 pounds of bronze with patina arranged in 45 balls to resemble a giant balloon sculpture poodle. WHAT?! A poodle...where?! 

It also represents the interlocking elements of carbon, hydrogen, and oxygen found in sucrose. A mingling of sucrose and Cerberus. I'm not sure what that all means.

For me - a good weekend. Too much of that fake butter, it really needs to GO. My face twitch has been back as a tickly feeling on the left side, comes and goes. So annoying, but I think it's not all that visible. 

Day 8, after a not great weekend

RUN 2 miles then WALK 1 mile

This weekend - nothing! But lots of chores and walks and work and it's all done. But also lots of cook up on Saturday (chicken, pork, beef, broccoli, cauli, cabbage, zucchini!) along with taxes and fiber and an upset stomach. Same again on Sunday. Gotta ditch the fiber. That's what's causing my during-the-day discomfort. And the morning bm issues? Fiber? Salad? Listerine/sorbitol? 

We ran this morning! I prepped Puppy to ride today but rain is in the forecast. 

Also this past weekend, I listed Bird and Frea to sell. I did sell an old ISM seat and have more listed. I'm not aggressively trying to sell yet, but in a few days I'll expand the sale ads.