Monster, Moon, Metric Fast, Monsterish, Monday

Friday STRENGTH
Monday RUN 3 miles with LA

This post kinda overlaps with the previous, this one coming in on Monday after it all.

After a bad afternoon Thursday, I set out on the goal of a 72 hour fast. LA was out of town, leaving me to experiment. The first 24 hours ended as I'm driving home from work and the HABIT pull of dinner was immense. But phone call, dog walk, bed - and I'm fine. 

Saturday I'm fine too. 129.2! Busy Bee. Distracted though and watching the clock celebrating the hours as they tick past. Then at 48 hours, it's amazing. I'm not hungry. but I'm very low energy. I feel fragile, and I act fragile. I'm consuming salt/electrolytes and fiber only. But I'm dehydrated, I think. Bed. 

Sunday I'm not so fine. Dehydrated, yes. But 131.6. Salt? I wake up at 59-60 hours and I think about how I usually run. I have the mental urge to run or bike by the physical urge was actually less than zero, haha. Time crawled by slowly. Again, I feel weak. I feel as if I'm out-of-body, lifting someone else's arms get a cup from the shelf. I feel like I can't bend over, like I'm underwater, and the feeling in my face - like I'm going to cry? Around 9am, I'm so distracted, I convince myself that a few walnuts with butter is OK. 

And so ended the fast, and the conveyor belt came on.  Once I started I didn't stop until noon, and I ended up now too full and sick, but still weak and no motivation? I didn't eat much carbs, oatmeal (ugh, I'm eating oatmeal again) (and there was some M of the oats too) and after reading oatmeal is relatively low insulinogenic I suddenly think it's OK. Ugh. 

Anyway, at noon I decided that I could start a 36 hours, realized my bad math and adjusted to 30, then re-adjusted as I kept nibbling unnecessarily. I woke up today 132.6. More ugh. But I feel no stomach swelling or pain! So now, in a 24 going until tonight. I'm hungry, kinda, but don't need or want food, so it's not hunger -- it's habit. 

What happened Sunday morning. Well, first, I did a 63 hour fast!!!!! WOW!!!! It was a big jump from the previous 24-ish I've been doing, so while I didn't hit the goal I am super happy with that. What caused the crash on Sunday? I think I had the so-called keto flu. The fatigue, emotional stuff, weakness - all kinda fit the bill. I've retooled my macros do decrease protein from 35% to 20%, a change of 105g/day to 60g. I'm wondering if it was too much to get into ketosis.

Not that ketosis is my goal. Or is it? I'm not going to be measuring. Yesterday I guesstimated 83-14g of carbs, net... just under 70 grams... It's possible I went into ketosis, came back out a little bit, but then while running this morning the same facial "gonna cry"/no motivation/time warp feelings were back. So am I in ketosis? 

Meal plan today: 3 eggs, WF yogurt, walnuts, butter, 150g strawberry, string cheese, fiber powder.

37g carbs, 52g protein, 62g fat, 13g fiber. 

16% carbs, 23% protein, 61% fat. Goal 15, 23, 61.

This will keep or put into ketosis. 

Is that the goal? Research more into keto flu. I'm eager to try the fast again, all morning I was smiling about 63 hours!!

Oh, and my house is SO CLEAN, my to do list so EMPTY. 

Monster, Macros, Moon

Thursday RUN 5.3 miles 

No commute, since we dropped Puppy off at REI for some maintenance. The squeaks and creaks and brake malalignment needed to be addressed. Then REI suggested a new derailleur cable (frayed) and a new chain. I think the chain was from 2018? When SO had the bike worked on? 

LA left for MO yesterday, I had a half day at work given a late morning with him and an early afternoon doggie appointment. She's all spiffy now, trimmed and washed. 

Me on the other hand, a mess. Monster of Dollar Store find yesterday. I give myself a day forgiveness, but it's really more than a day. 

I retooled my macros yesterday.  

Before: Carbs 20% 60g; Protein 35% 105g; Fat 50% 67g

After:   Carbs 15% 45g; Protein 20% 60g; Fat 65% 87g

The goal was to lower the amount of protein. I'm reading that it's insulinogenic, and the guidelines suggest 10-20% from protein. I'm doing 35%. Further, I'm not "satisfied" after a meal - I keep wanting something more. Maybe changing the protein and fat will help. 

I retooled my meal plan then too. Now instead of 8 egg whites, 2 yolks, canned salmon and protein powder - it's 3 eggs, protein powder, more peanut butter and butter and oil. 

Give it 2 months?

Finally, a full moon last night. 

Part of summer is over

Saturday travel to Illinois
Sunday RUN 3.2 miles, travel back to MI
Monday rest!
Tuesday RUN 2 miles, COMMUTE 7 miles

What a rough time - my head is full and empty all at the same time. I have no energy, no focus. I just want to sleep and do nothing. Do I need time off? Or do I need to keep busy, to keep my head from wandering into thinking about things?

Sunday and Monday night I saw M. Coping. Monday and today I'm paying for it, low energy, off balance, and headachy.

I think I should quit the coffee habit. At least until I can buy decaf again!
I think I should reduce the daily dairy, it's starting to replace other foods. 
I know I need to quit the last two days of Azuc. And M. Duh.

Daily dairy: yogurt and cottage (or cheddar cheese). Why do I think that's so much? What again am I thinking?

This morning while meal prepping I realized I was buying eggs but throwing away the yolk, and buying cottage cheese "for the fat and protein" only to be consuming the additives in the cottage cheese. For two egg yolks, I'd save money and get more nutrition and get less of the thickeners and shit. 

I need to get to work, but distraction and headache prevail. I want to walk outside. I want to sleep. I want to talk to LA more. He's been so reassuring, pointing out what I don't think about. 

I want to clear my todo list. I want a clean house. I wanted a clear car and yesterday I got it! So these things on my list are all do-able in time.

Yesterday LA and I walked after phone call (that THANKFULLY went well) and I said that I desired to maintain the evening schedules we had with the kids here. We made play time a priority and we can keep doing it? 

Friday run; Realizations

RUN 5.3 miles my usual loop
COMMUTE 3.5 or 7, don't know yet

Yesterday in short bursts I'd typed up this long analysis of my habit lists and realized that I was repeating over and over the same issue - that I'm making bad plans and I'm unable to stick to these bad plans. I was making a sort of punishment about what was a bad ADF plan execution. This lead to CO days, bad Net numbers, bingy cycles, "ignorance" about current counts, etc etc.

I don't know if I'll publish that post. 

The post started because I've been trying to decide what's going wrong - why don't I see the changes I'm trying so desperately to make? Maybe because I'm being so coy and indirect with myself about it, haha, see above. I'd made a list of things that Patrick would tell me (stop the carbs, make a plan, master the mindset) and gave myself until the end of August to see if I could start making better plans for myself.

I'd had some grand realization this morning after waking up about this, but as I sit here I can't seem to recall it.

But do I need to re-hire someone who told me what I needed to do, I paid for it but then didn't do it? 

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The run today felt like it was gonna suck in the first mile, and I was concerned about not being able to hit the goal of 5-6 miles. But I did, listening to my Empress Vicky audiobook, slow and tired, but finished. It amazed me the rest of the day that I didn't "feel" this run at all. Like I'd forgotten it happened. No fatigue, soreness, extra hunger or thirst. It happened, I'm sure of it! But is this a good thing - that I kept it easy amidst the stress. Or that I could have pushed a bit more - and kept it too easy?

Nothing changes, if nothing changes

Tuesday COMMUTE 3.5 miles and RIDE 12 miles gravel
Wednesday Basketball! And COMMUTE 7 miles
Thursday WasGonna RUN, and COMMUTE 7 miles? It's supposed to rain....

So much has changed! SO MUCH. But so much has not. I'm still not measured, and I need to quit fucking dancing around the real issue of uncontrolled. No control. That hasn't changed. 

No M now 1 week, aside from a bite of PB or a bite of something. 

I WasGonna run, but woke up super tired and slightly sore from Tuesday's workout. Slightly nauseated, I think from empty stomach and stress. The temp to eat before noon sometimes there but super easy to ignore - it's been 46 days of clean until noon! HABIT! 

There are 19 things in my Habit list....more if you count the other app too. Some are the same though. But I'm not doing many of them, and nothing changes if nothing changes.

My mind goes back again to working with Patrick. What would he tell me? No rice. Work on the mental mindset issues. And make changes when things aren't working. I have until the end of August, then I'll decide. 

August has arrived. What else 2?

I'd said back in late May that the 10 weeks were going to be defined by change. In some ways, they were. I've quit Reddit, news, internet. I'll look something defined up, something short or needed. That's it for the web. My phone usage has drastically changed because of this!

I've been doing clean fasting until at least noon since late June. This was a win, and in July I was easily able to go 20+ hours IF.  

But everything else - fell apart.

My running went from 3-4 times a week for 15+ miles to hit-or-miss and less than 15 miles. My gym workouts went to zero. Swimming stayed at zero. Azuc came early and left. Rice came back. Sweets came back. Then sweet potatoes. Monster - comes and goes and repeats and now I'm 5 days done of M-free. I've started I'm trying and failing at ADF, the CO and inability to keep track are the problem. 

I've been 1308 to 1348. Maybe 1350. For all the change, this didn't change, and it's a killer. 

I also said back in late May that maybe once the 10 weeks were over I'd go back to Patrick. The three months I had in Jan-Apr were a lie, denial and dishonesty, lack of integrity and intention. But change occurred, but only once the mileage hit higher numbers. 

Numbers. It's a numbers game. So as of now I've moved the timing from 16:8 to 20:4 or 23:1, but I haven't changed the sum total. Yesterday was a high ADF day at 12 +5CO. Today now is the 5CO+5, if I stick to plan. And there's the catch - I don't stick to plan. 

And I know this, that I'm dishonest. Lie Cheat and Steal, there's all 3 going on here. Were I to get honest, would I see change? Where's the dishonesty?
1. Unmeasured, especially PB and PPowder and dairy and rice and oh everything
2. CO as a way to balance things out
3. Unmeasured. 
4. Snacking as a way to destress
5. Unmeasured.
6. Bouncing back after 8pm thinking I can CO it.

Will this make sense in a few years, if I ever read this again?! 

To summarize: training is low, monster is low, azuc is gone, BUT NO CHANGE. There's no change, because nothing changed.

Ugh. Going back. Were I to work with Patrick again, I know what I'd hear:
1. No sugar
2. Low carbs, as in no rice and maybe no sweet potato
3. Fasting - CHECK
4. Strength training - Kinda CHECK
5. Deal with the mental shit
6. Goal of 13

Do I need to pay someone to hear this again ?!

August has arrived. What else?

Monday RUN 2 miles 20 mins, tired. No commute
Tuesday RUN 1.4 and 1.4 and STRENGTH, COMMUTE? 

It's August, and I've been seeing August as a new start. I've had the summer with the kids and realized the long days have potential to do more. What were summers like before? 

Before - St Louis I guess- what did I do in my summer days? The afternoons I mean. The mornings, I know I "trained". My forced training. 2019 for Badger. 2018 for ?? I don't know. The evenings, though, what did I do?

Last summer doesn't count. Well it does, but I don't remember it. What did I do last summer? Surgery, recovery, Key West, new job. Why don't I remember? 

This summer, I've been able to set aside time most every night for something - biking, skateboarding, painting. I didn't do this before. What did I do before?

I made a list over the weekend of these things I'll keep doing, a list of primary and secondary (or better, evening and right before bed) stuff to do:

Primary: stained glass, strength training, painting, yardwork/dog/house, drawing, meal prep, overdue tasks

Secondary: watch a movie, read a book, a few minutes of PT/foam roll/flexibility, play with dog, drawing or painting.

It seems easy enough - come home around 5-6 and have dinner.  Have phone call 7-8pm. Ooh, and there it falls apart. That dividing line between available time and being able to use it. I supposed I can plan around 8-9pm? 

Yesterday was a long day. LA and I bickering over my stress dealing with my schedule. I woke up wanting to get my weekend run in - I switched this week from Tue/Thu/Weekend to Mon/Wed/Fri - and as I remembered it was now August and only two more months my mood soured as I realized my training for anything this fall is lost. Gone. Everything, it seemed.

I went for a 2 mile run, but everything hurt from my ankles and feet to a tight pressure in my chest. LA was texting me but I didn't read them. I hurt enough already. Home shower rush to leave. Work in a fog, dull and vague. Lunch break with LA and a serious conversation. Home with LA and another serious conversation. My main complaint - I'm always the one changing, I'm always the one being wrong, and I'm always the one sent for therapy to deal with problems. I'm begging for help, asking and changing and looking for it. And I feel lost without some guidance. We arrive home and LA immediately changes dinner to pre phone call only, and no going anywhere tonight, and bed by 9pm. 

To my surprise, this all worked. I was able to walk my dog during phone call at her pace (mosey), wash the dog, feed the hummingbirds, pick up the house a bit, cook rice and brats for meals, pack my lunch, take out recycling, and watercolor - all before 9pm!?!? Bed by 930 with some LA-time (melatonin helped). 

Up today at 4 or 430, I snooze in thinking about my failed PCR for genotyping while LA studies. I'm up, chores and dishes and feed dog, 6am I'm out for a run to the gym. Strength training (first time since May 5th?!), run home, shower, LA-time, and water color before leaving at 830. 

DAMN- productive!

How can I keep this going?!

See another post for another topic.