Leaving my "marriage" to M, and going to marriage with LA

 Today! At least on paper. We are going to have the legal part of the ceremony at 6pm, 5 hours! 

The last....how many years now....at least... that time in Roseville CA, that time living in either IVCC or UIUC (the garbage can incident)... that was maybe 1993-1995.....how many years is that? If I use 1995, it's 27 years.

It wasn't constant for 27 years. M came and went. In and Out (no pun intended, but haha). Times of stress he's here, other times it depended, other times he never crossed my mind. 

I started keeping track in about 2018 or so. Vowing to kick him out. Swearing we're done, I even wrote him a letter some time last year. Or the year before. 

The years have blended, I can't even tell them apart anymore. 

But the incidences stand out, and I could write a list the rest of this page with all those. But why. They're already in my head, will they still be in my head 27 years from now? 

I vowed recently again that this was over. This odd relationship with a neuronal pathway mapped and strengthened over these 27 years. A way of thinking, or maybe more accurately a way of coping. I'd vow and swear and go back over and over. 

I'm still coping, but I'm finding other ways to do it. And finding ways to avoid needing a coping mechanism. It's a slow process. 

But this morning on my run, I realized that I "make" myself do things - like make myself drink a bottle of water after the run before I have a meal - and instead of telling myself "this is the best thing for you, this is what you need and this decision wasn't made under duress but under self love", I tell myself "this is a rule and you must do it". Then I don't do it, maybe because in my head I don't have a good reason to do so. Intrinsic vs Extrinsic pressure, even when it comes from myself. 

I'm working on Accepting. I Accept that I had a heart attack. I Accept that I have a gall bladder issue. Coach Patrick suggested that my Struggle is in denying these things to myself. And I'm creating my own Struggle. The fight is all in my head. And I Accept that M is in my head, and the fight with him is creating a feeling of Struggle that causes stress, and to deal with the stress I turn to M. 

Why keep turning to M, he doesn't give anything back. He's a one-way path to waste, unhappiness, loss, negativity. I give and I give, and I just lose and lose. 

Or gain and gain, in another sense. Which is another issue - I've been stuck, mired down, and not moving. At least until the last month, when I'm finally seeing positive changes there. And that feels great. And I'm cleaning out the anxieties I was giving myself. And as this stuff cleans out, I'm getting clarity as to what causes the problems that lead to M and lead to coping activities. It's like clearing the peripheral messes in order to see the primary cause. 

I'm rambling a bit. Let's stop. 

My goal here, it to Again address the need to get rid of M. I'm marrying someone who is supportive, loving, giving, trusting - everything M is not. 

I haven't seen him since Tuesday, and I'll never see him again I hope. 
How's it going to be, when you don't know me anymore?