It's not about getting back to an old version of yourself...

 ...this is your time to recreate yourself as an athlete. Once I kinda embraced the fact that I'm not getting back to something..." _A Boone.

RUN 5 miles!! in about 54 minutes, Fo Pa with EW

I met with EW for a FoPa run before work. Super sunny, cold, calm, and there was a Frostbite 13.1 race going on. Remember doing that race?! Ages ago. 

The run felt great, refreshing, we talked about the kids and life and her personal trainer and only a little about her job. My topics dominated, thanks EW for listening!

The title is from Amelia 2017 and it connects to my med appointment on Friday (yesterday) with Dr S in endocrine.
....
Ok so now it's Monday and I've had more time to think on this. I've lost some thoughts, and I don't have much time. So this might take a few days to bring my thoughts back together. 

And now it's Tuesday, how far will I get? I'm supposed to be a the mouse house. And writing my boss a message about how to find another job. 

So. Back to Friday. LA attended the appointment with me, thank fully, because otherwise I'm a nervous wreck and I'd say "everything is great" without divulging details. He kept he honest. The resident came in first, as per usual, and I went over the basics -- I stopped the statins, I was sick last March and since I've been tired worn out pained and have the facial paralysis going on. He went to talk to Dr S, who came back and started a great discussion. No berating, no blaming, just discussion.

This will be an out of order jumble of what happened. I wasn't "irrational" (my word used) to stop the statins -- I felt that I needed to make a change and so I ran an experiment. But since I didn't notice any changes after stopping, that wasn't the problem and I need to restart them. Because people like me who take them live longer. He nicely sidestepped this issue of whether or not my cholesterol went back up -- it's not the number on the cholesterol it's just the fact that we'll live longer. Ok. BTW - my LDL did go back up. Dammit! But only to 129 or something like that. 

He examined my face, did a few test like peripheral vision and a facial nerve tap, and said I should contact Avery for an MRI. I did this Monday, waiting on it. 

The chest pains aren't likely to be my heart. I kinda already knew that. But it's good to hear. 

He asked if I made myself throw up. No. He asked if I still have my periods. No - IUD. He suggested menopause, as many of my symptoms overlap. It's true, they do, and the cyclic nature of my symptoms might also be explained by this. I kinda latched onto this idea as an explanation for why my dairy sensitivity seems to come and go and cause similar symptoms, but the tests came back showing not peri-menopausal. No nothing there.

They did a RA test, and ANA, a sed rate, and CRP. All normal and good. The viral infection last March didn't activate any auto-immune issues they tested for. 

OK so blah blah blah and now the real meat of why I'm here. He noted early in the talk that I "used to sort of an elite athlete" and asked how I was doing now. I said, I'm only running 10-15 miles a week and making little progress on speed. How do I feel during the run? I feel feel OK, but like I can't go any faster. How fast am I going? 10 m/m. He thought this was pretty good enough. How did I feel after the run? I said tired, but what he meant was - did I get the feel-good high, was I satisfied?

And there is the Golden Question of the day. No, I didn't feel satisfied. 

I end a run wanting more, but unable due to hip recover limits, muscle weakness, and fatigue. I'm trying to take it slow and careful, but I want more. I miss so much my long runs. The trails. The hills. The schedule, routine, the challenge. 

I used to be like and elite athlete, and now it's gone.

Gone in a mess of persistent hip injury. Gone in the time lost from heart attack. Gone. Just gone. 

I have pictures of me in good health and good condition that remind me of this. I have a douche-shelf cabinet to remind me. My blog header photo reminds me. My old clothes, training gear, shoes, bikes, Garmin. All remind me of Who I Used To Be. 

And Who I'm Not Anymore. And how I may never get back to it again. 

I saw the left hip surgery as a chance to rebuild. I saw the heart attack as a warning to rebuild. I saw the 2019 right hip stress fracture as a dire warning to rebuild and do PT. 2020 was a mess, but I wanted to use it as a down-time to recovery and rebuild. 

And here I am in 2021. What are my goals? I dunno. I'm so lost on this. Too much in my head with moving and new job and new house and changes all across my life. The layer on the medical issues, and I can't find a place to relax in my head. 

But focusing here on this rebuilding. As the title says, I'm making the mistake of getting back to the old version of me. The Original IronBee of back to back irons and 100 mile races. Now, I'm none of that. 

I'm not IronBee. I'm UsedToBee. Ugh. I could cry. 

So I need to regroup and get my head around the recreating of this new Bee. What are my goals? What do I value about this? What do I get from running and training? Think on it.