Here is the text of an email I just sent to my BB JM. Raw and uncut. Adults only!
I have a confession. I think I earned this sickness. I think I pissed off the Karma Gods and it's all coming back on me. It's a long story.
My stress levels have been riding high. Having the dog sick again and getting even further behind at work is just running me ragged. So last week, when the dog was still pretty bad, I took most of Monday and Tuesday off work to be with her. But by Tuesday my anxiety got the best of me, and I went in for half a day. Rich got upset, he understood my POV, but said that if we are going to try to save the dog and after spending so much $$ already, we needed a more dedicated effort. I explained that I should be fired by now. So Rich took a day off of work to stay home with her. For context: In the past 8 years, Rich has missed enough days of work to count on one hand. It was an easy day for him, a light workload, and two of his friends covered for him. I was guilt ridden. I felt like I'd failed at my end, as now both me AND Rich were missing work.
So Weds Rich stayed home. I went to work. I skipped my morning 12-miler to get there early, but by the end of the day I was bugging out. But how I could I go for a run when Rich was missing work so that I could work?? Me leaving work would be like.....cheating? Stress. I wait till afternoon. Stress! Now I need the run to cool off. I wait until 4pm, meaning that I didn't finish until dark. Rich does NOT want me running the dark.
The subplot to all this is my health habits lately. When I get in a hurry, I oddly enough let my eating habits go. I just grab whatever whenever however and dont even realize what I"m eating. It's all healthy food, there's no junk, but the portions and balance of nutrients are all off. I'll have meals where I have no idea waht I just ate or how much. I sometimes eat dinner such that I go to bed SICK. My nutrition has been off since December. My stomach just rebels, it keeps it all down, but I feel awful most every meal. This makes me sick, causes stress, you can see where this is going.
So weds after my run, it's 7pm by the time I get home. As soon as I walk in the door, I'm starving. Rich has dinner laid out for me and I plopped down and ate. Here I was off enjoying a run and he was home with dinner. Couldnt tell him about the run, worried that he'd get upset. So I said I did a shorter than planned run. It's true, I was going to do 15 miles. But oh it's still a lie. I do another mindless eating. We talk about the dog, what we are going to do. Mindless eating. I'm dehydrated, underfueled, and stressed. And I have 15 miles planned for the Thursday morning group run.
I head to bed an hour later, I'm already feeling sick. 9pm and the room is spinning, my stomach a wreck. My guts are threatening hell. My first thought was that I ate too soon after my run, and my stomach was still shut down, so the food just incubated there. 1030 I'm in distress, but no other symptoms. 12:21 I get up in acute distress. I barely slept the rest of the night. The worst GI symptoms you can imagine, I'm sure you don't need more details. And I didn't want to further burden the hubby, so I cleaned up my own puke. This lasts until the next morning, Rich leaves for work with me hung over a sink. It was a long awful day. All my refueling and rehydrating was lost. And all I could think was, I missed my run.
I don't eat or drink all Thursday, and the stomach settles. But dinner rolls around and I need to drink something. The stomach disagrees and it starts to look like a repeat of the previous night, but not so bad. Friday I can't even get off the couch, same issues Friday night. I'm all I could think was, can I run Saturday?
Saturday begins, and Im more awake, but obviously dehydrated. Rich threatens to take me to the hospital, but I refuse. If I feel awful cuddled up on my couch, I'd only feel more awful in a cold hospital room. I convinced him I'm better off here. By that afternoon, I'm at least mobile and upright, but still showing symptoms of particularly naseua and dizziness and weakness. Still not eating or drinking much at all.
Sunday, Rich demands an IV. I give in. I'm symptom free still, just not hungry or thirsty. There's a group ride in the afternoon and I'd like to join. We go to the hospital for a nurse to place the port (another stolen service, the nurse is wondering is she'll get fired. GUILT!) and the whole time I feel like a pansy for needing this. We head back home, hoping to get at least 1L in before last nights board meeting. No way I was going to miss that. Rich holds the bag over me, no pole, just his arm. He monitors the drip rate and watches my arm for bruising. I go to the meeting with the port under my sleeve, but I'm unable to hide jsut how sick I feel. After the meeting, another 1L. I've found that I can rehydrate via IV without upsetting my stomach. Cool! By now, the week is over as measured by the Icy Iron and tomorrow is a fresh start. I will be better by then.
Monday. Today. I'm still not drinking much, anything I drink just percolates in my esophagus. I'm in regurgitation hell. Food in very small amounts is OK, so I"m eating watery oranges, melons, etc. Juicy stuff. But it's as if my stomach is shrunken. I spend the day working on the newsletter as a distraction. I havent' been thirsty or hungry since Weds night. The smell of food turns my gut. I'm so tired, but I think I'll be back at work tomorrow. I have a bike ride planned for tues morning.
I earned this. Isn't it funny that I feel this way? I continued to put my self both first AND last for the past few weeks. How is that possible? To put yourself both first and last? And now I'm still trying to put myself first and last. I don't want any special attentions showered on my by Rich but I still want my training time. I apparently can't help it.
Rich is coming home soon, and all day he's called to check on me. Admonished me to drink. I haven't had a drop this he left this morning. The mere idea is awful. Nuuns, my favorite drink, don't taste right. Coffee is acidic. Tea is metallic. Nothing seems right just yet. I want another IV so I don't have to drink, he says no. So he's going to walk in the door and I cant lie, so I have to say No honey I havent been drinking today. And why not? I can push myself through a ironman race, thru redman hell, thru 20hr training weeks, but I can't drink a f'ing glass of water?!?!?!?!?!?!
I've earned this. I pissed off the Karma gods and here I am suffering. I trained when I shouldnt have. I ate myself to sickness, not completely unlike a glutton or addict. I can't train or eat or drink, perhaps until I have some atonement for my sins. I've been thinking this since Thurs morining, and I'm starting to believe it.
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