No workout to report. I thought about biking to work today, but I'm so tired and wiped out. No energy after the past week of travel, bad nutrition, and being sickish.
366 days of NO BALROG. Wow. He's not gone though. Yesterday he asked for access, but was denied. Haha, will this make sense to me in a few years? I suppose it will. Like I say, he's not really gone. Will he ever be? I see no way for him to come back right now. "Him". Really, a "him"?
Anyway.
Life is about to change dramatically. This COVID bullshit is slowly ending, and life will return to normal for everyone else. June starts in 2 days, and June is the last month I have with LA living here in St Louis. After that, he's gone. I'll see him on weekends (and I have a plan to work 4x 10hr days to get Friday off for those weekends), but that's not the same. It's going to suck, it's going to threaten to put me back into the old coping mechanisms of previous years.
Those old mechanisms include M. Lately, it's not even stress relief. It's a way of thinking, a way of being, that only damages me. It sets me back. It's almost self-destructive. No. It's self-destructive. It's just not obvious and direct.
Well, that's must more denial.
What I'm getting to here, is that it's been 366 days of No Balrog, and in one year I want to be able to report back saying "365 days of No M". Do I really want to be in this same place one year from now? Heck, even one week from now? Today?
No. I don't.
M makes things worse yet it's like a die-hard habit living with me. Why does it keep coming back? It's like smoking. I've quit a hundred times. A week, a month, 200 days, a year. So I know I can kick it to the curb. What stops me from keeping it out?
This is getting weak. What I'm getting to here, is that I'm more than ready to stop but I'm facing a situation that causes it. And when LA leaves, that opening for M is there - wide open doors and time and opportunity. How will I deal with it?
Sitting here typing, it's all so easy. Just stop. Just don't. Just go home and one day at a time work through it.
So here's the promise. I don't want to look back AGAIN and see this failure. I don't want to be left alone with M for this next year. I don't want to move with M. So it ends here. It has to.
Saturday, May 30, 2020
Friday, May 29, 2020
I hate what I've become; The nightmare's just begun
I must confess that I feel like a monster
RUN Memorial Day 25th 2.8 miles/3.4 miles with LA
RUN 29th 4 miles! solo run
A whirlwind of stuff lately. I'm not even sure when and how it all happened. Let's see if I can piece it back together.
What did I do last weekend, before Memorial Day. I worked, I think. LA had his kids. So yeah, I worked.
On Monday we went for a run down through the brewery and along Broadway. The goal was 3 miles but we came up short. Still felt good. After that we packed up to get his toys and trailer from St Rob and take that back to my parents. Looooong day driving.
Monday midnight arrival. Tuesday LA and Dad got the toys ready for storage and I visited with Mom, Kaitlynn, and Michelle. Early Weds we left to return the trailer to St Rob. Looooong day driving there and back again to St Louis.
For Monday-Weds brekkie I had all meals pre-packed. I messed up and didn't think Weds would be an all day thing, I think maybe I planned to get dropped off in St Louis while he went alone to drop the trailer in St Rob. Anyway, I ended up eating potato chips and tootsie rolls for Weds lunch. Then Weds night I ate a munch-meal of cheese an potato and a meal of cottage cheese with lots (why did I do so much?!) of baking cocoa. Was I craving minerals? Craving a suffer the next day?
Anyway, I was sick by the time I went to bed. I was dysfunctionally tired. Woke up Thursday so tired and still dysfunctional. And the day went to hell. He went to St Rob again and I was going to go to work but was afraid to leave the bathroom. Ugh. The chocolate and the potatoes, sabotage.
I studied some Russian, I did a little housework, but it was mostly stress and cleaning. Clean the kitchen, the fridge, the bathtub, the bathrooms. UGH.
Friday, same shit. This was yesterday. I was kinda better, less urgent. But still munch-munch meals that are off-plan. I make a plan because it WORKS and then I do this. I went for a run as a sort of self-punishment and was sick within a mile. Was a long 4 miles. Afterwards I fell in to the azucbowl again too. UGH. More sick.
Friday was also 365 days of NO BALROG. WOW!! More on that tomorrow.
RUN Memorial Day 25th 2.8 miles/3.4 miles with LA
RUN 29th 4 miles! solo run
A whirlwind of stuff lately. I'm not even sure when and how it all happened. Let's see if I can piece it back together.
What did I do last weekend, before Memorial Day. I worked, I think. LA had his kids. So yeah, I worked.
On Monday we went for a run down through the brewery and along Broadway. The goal was 3 miles but we came up short. Still felt good. After that we packed up to get his toys and trailer from St Rob and take that back to my parents. Looooong day driving.
Monday midnight arrival. Tuesday LA and Dad got the toys ready for storage and I visited with Mom, Kaitlynn, and Michelle. Early Weds we left to return the trailer to St Rob. Looooong day driving there and back again to St Louis.
For Monday-Weds brekkie I had all meals pre-packed. I messed up and didn't think Weds would be an all day thing, I think maybe I planned to get dropped off in St Louis while he went alone to drop the trailer in St Rob. Anyway, I ended up eating potato chips and tootsie rolls for Weds lunch. Then Weds night I ate a munch-meal of cheese an potato and a meal of cottage cheese with lots (why did I do so much?!) of baking cocoa. Was I craving minerals? Craving a suffer the next day?
Anyway, I was sick by the time I went to bed. I was dysfunctionally tired. Woke up Thursday so tired and still dysfunctional. And the day went to hell. He went to St Rob again and I was going to go to work but was afraid to leave the bathroom. Ugh. The chocolate and the potatoes, sabotage.
I studied some Russian, I did a little housework, but it was mostly stress and cleaning. Clean the kitchen, the fridge, the bathtub, the bathrooms. UGH.
Friday, same shit. This was yesterday. I was kinda better, less urgent. But still munch-munch meals that are off-plan. I make a plan because it WORKS and then I do this. I went for a run as a sort of self-punishment and was sick within a mile. Was a long 4 miles. Afterwards I fell in to the azucbowl again too. UGH. More sick.
Friday was also 365 days of NO BALROG. WOW!! More on that tomorrow.
Saturday, May 23, 2020
Dream of the 12:38pm New Moon occurring with a Full Moon
RUN Thursday 3.11 miles in 31:38
Nice, comfy 10 min/miles. But I admit it felt faster and I was mildly disappointed that it wasn't sub-10. The last mile squeaked in just under 10 at least. This was a solo run, LA wiped out tired and I let him sleep in.
We've been StRob last few days -- the long drive and the constant go-go-go getting to us. I'm writing this on Saturday -- and on Thursday I cleaned the kitchen, fridge, floors, bathroom and wore myself out. He's been doing the heavier work and the mental work, and this is taking a toll on him faster maybe. That's my guess anyway. I don't have the mental stress, I had it years ago but I can still only guess how this is going in his head. I'm doing all I can to keep my schedule open for him (I skipped work on Thursday entirely!) and I enjoy doing so. But I'm falling behind on my own house, everywhere I look is a mess, but is that really an issue? No. Just a stress for me. It's not something I should be stuck on. So move on.
Thursday morning I had a dream that there was a full moon happening with the new moon at 12:38pm that day. You know I love me some omen numbers!! And 123.8 -- WHOO I like it! In the dream I was trying to get outside to see it, but things kept me from doing so. My and my brain -- this to me is like a sign of something, like today could be special.
I always set new goals by the moon, as a way to benchmark time goals. Naturally I'm doing so with this dream. One year ago on the 31st Balrog died. Wouldn't it be nice to say one year from now, that Monster's been dead for one year?
Good news -- I'm on track to say that May 22nd, 2021.
Nice, comfy 10 min/miles. But I admit it felt faster and I was mildly disappointed that it wasn't sub-10. The last mile squeaked in just under 10 at least. This was a solo run, LA wiped out tired and I let him sleep in.
We've been StRob last few days -- the long drive and the constant go-go-go getting to us. I'm writing this on Saturday -- and on Thursday I cleaned the kitchen, fridge, floors, bathroom and wore myself out. He's been doing the heavier work and the mental work, and this is taking a toll on him faster maybe. That's my guess anyway. I don't have the mental stress, I had it years ago but I can still only guess how this is going in his head. I'm doing all I can to keep my schedule open for him (I skipped work on Thursday entirely!) and I enjoy doing so. But I'm falling behind on my own house, everywhere I look is a mess, but is that really an issue? No. Just a stress for me. It's not something I should be stuck on. So move on.
Thursday morning I had a dream that there was a full moon happening with the new moon at 12:38pm that day. You know I love me some omen numbers!! And 123.8 -- WHOO I like it! In the dream I was trying to get outside to see it, but things kept me from doing so. My and my brain -- this to me is like a sign of something, like today could be special.
I always set new goals by the moon, as a way to benchmark time goals. Naturally I'm doing so with this dream. One year ago on the 31st Balrog died. Wouldn't it be nice to say one year from now, that Monster's been dead for one year?
Good news -- I'm on track to say that May 22nd, 2021.
Tuesday, May 19, 2020
Running without walking! COVID fucktardary. Medical appointment. St Robert. HOME!
May 10: 8x 4(1) run 3.3/4.1 miles in Forest Park, solo
May 12: 2.65 miles in TGP with LA, no planned walk intervals!
May 17: 3.21 miles NO WALK to Compton Heights, solo
May 19: 2.65/3.06 miles to hilly Lyon Park, with LA, walk as needed
Busy busy last week! Lots going on, but first the focus on RUNNING! As in, I'm running without having to walk! The couch to 10K plan now has me running 30-35 mins "easy". It's funny now as I'm running I'm waiting for the interval timer to buzz my wrist. haha!
LA joins as he can, and we walk if and when needed. The TGP loop was a big goal for me, I wanted to run the loop. Next goal is to run without the walk break. We didn't walk much, but I'm looking forward to this incremental goalage.
My body and hips and all going great. No symptoms of anything. I had a GI fallout last Thursday morning with the type of RUQ pain I had back in 2014. I was up all night for it. But it came a few hours and went and that was it. No other usual T=6 or T=7 issues like before. Stress caused it?
What else going on? Been going to his house in St Robert to prep it to sell. 4 hours of driving! I'm spending very little time on my own house. My floors and cleaning and yard are all terribly behind, and on some days it stresses me. Other days, I'm more OK with it. But I never seem to lose the naggy feeling. Oh well. Like LA says, when he leaves I'll have all the time. I cried when he said that.
Last weekend (May 15-May 16) we drove to St Robert, painted a while (painting, LOTS of painting to do with that Anew Grey color), then drove his travel trailer to my parents. I got to see Mom and Dad and my Sis and her family!!! But only for a day. We arrived midnight Saturday morning and left Saturday afternoon. Dad has long COVID hair (like me). Mom fresh out of shoulder surgery. My sis going to school online to get a teaching certificate. James just graduated to kindergarten. Kaitlynn drives her go-cart like a maniac. Steve also not working much, due to public exposure. Sugar came with us (she's also been going to St Robert with us) and got along with Bailey while they were in the orchard yard on tie-outs. Will she be OK in the house? Good news -- we might visit again in two weeks!!!!
Then back to St Robert Sunday. Yesterday and today (Tuesday) I'm at lab. Yesterday he rested (we slept in until 1030!) and today he's at the house. We go back tomorrow and Friday, he goes back all days. Then the kids this weekend. Then....ugh....how does he do it.
We get along great, and I really love the time we have. Thanks to COVID, we've spent days together and I could be happy if it never ended. :)
As for the fucking COVID, work is opening back up and the crazy shit only grows. My hours will be reduced so coworker return. I'm OK with that, more than OK. I need a break. But now there's tape covering a bathroom stall and sick, signs saying a limited number of people per room, arrows to show one-directional travel. UGH for real?! Is this necessary? I admit I live in a sheltered bubble of no news, no social, and little activity in the rest of the world, but I feel like this is an unnecessary intrusion. Whatever, I can't change it. And bitching here doesn't fix anything.
Today had my long-awaited med appointment with specialist for UTI. I like him! Upon listening to my heart, he asked if I was a runner. Damn that felt good to hear.
May 12: 2.65 miles in TGP with LA, no planned walk intervals!
May 17: 3.21 miles NO WALK to Compton Heights, solo
May 19: 2.65/3.06 miles to hilly Lyon Park, with LA, walk as needed
Busy busy last week! Lots going on, but first the focus on RUNNING! As in, I'm running without having to walk! The couch to 10K plan now has me running 30-35 mins "easy". It's funny now as I'm running I'm waiting for the interval timer to buzz my wrist. haha!
LA joins as he can, and we walk if and when needed. The TGP loop was a big goal for me, I wanted to run the loop. Next goal is to run without the walk break. We didn't walk much, but I'm looking forward to this incremental goalage.
My body and hips and all going great. No symptoms of anything. I had a GI fallout last Thursday morning with the type of RUQ pain I had back in 2014. I was up all night for it. But it came a few hours and went and that was it. No other usual T=6 or T=7 issues like before. Stress caused it?
What else going on? Been going to his house in St Robert to prep it to sell. 4 hours of driving! I'm spending very little time on my own house. My floors and cleaning and yard are all terribly behind, and on some days it stresses me. Other days, I'm more OK with it. But I never seem to lose the naggy feeling. Oh well. Like LA says, when he leaves I'll have all the time. I cried when he said that.
Last weekend (May 15-May 16) we drove to St Robert, painted a while (painting, LOTS of painting to do with that Anew Grey color), then drove his travel trailer to my parents. I got to see Mom and Dad and my Sis and her family!!! But only for a day. We arrived midnight Saturday morning and left Saturday afternoon. Dad has long COVID hair (like me). Mom fresh out of shoulder surgery. My sis going to school online to get a teaching certificate. James just graduated to kindergarten. Kaitlynn drives her go-cart like a maniac. Steve also not working much, due to public exposure. Sugar came with us (she's also been going to St Robert with us) and got along with Bailey while they were in the orchard yard on tie-outs. Will she be OK in the house? Good news -- we might visit again in two weeks!!!!
Then back to St Robert Sunday. Yesterday and today (Tuesday) I'm at lab. Yesterday he rested (we slept in until 1030!) and today he's at the house. We go back tomorrow and Friday, he goes back all days. Then the kids this weekend. Then....ugh....how does he do it.
We get along great, and I really love the time we have. Thanks to COVID, we've spent days together and I could be happy if it never ended. :)
As for the fucking COVID, work is opening back up and the crazy shit only grows. My hours will be reduced so coworker return. I'm OK with that, more than OK. I need a break. But now there's tape covering a bathroom stall and sick, signs saying a limited number of people per room, arrows to show one-directional travel. UGH for real?! Is this necessary? I admit I live in a sheltered bubble of no news, no social, and little activity in the rest of the world, but I feel like this is an unnecessary intrusion. Whatever, I can't change it. And bitching here doesn't fix anything.
Today had my long-awaited med appointment with specialist for UTI. I like him! Upon listening to my heart, he asked if I was a runner. Damn that felt good to hear.
Saturday, May 9, 2020
Covid, and April Couch to 10K
Summary of RUN WALK sessions as number of intervals, time of interval. All 1 minute rest. miles run/total miles. I'm not including the walk sessions in the plan here. I'm doing them, but not enjoying them.
APRIL
15x 1 1.46/2.56
15x 1 1.56/2.84
20x 1 2.07/3.67
10x 2 1.97/3.1
10x 2 1.97/3.2
12x 2 2.4/3.37
8x 3 2.36/3.11
MAY
8x 3 2.3/3.14
11x 3 3.57/4.0
8x 4 3.25/4.0
April Totals: 13.8 miles run and 21.85 miles run/walk
May Totals:
Well WOOHOO I'm back to running! And I'm even more happy to say that it's pain-free. None of the post-run pain and stiffness I was feeling in Jan or Feb or whenever I was running before I got sick in March. I have some stiff soreness in both feet after I wake up, that's it.
But I'm not cross training at all. It's MAY for crying out loud and Puppy doesn't even have full air in the tires. Last night I move Frea to store some of LA's books and ugh...I could feel the call of the MCT and the Levee roads across the river.
BE texted that he's keeping the 6am Monday and Tuesday sessions. I haven't joined yet, right now I'm enjoying sleeping in and cuddling. LA would join us, but it seems to spoil something to run us out of bed.
See, for now, I feel like we're in this magical moment in time in which we can have full days together, and too soon that will all be gone. In July it ends and a new life begins for both of us. For him, a new city alone and medical school. For me, I'm alone too but in a familiar place, feeling sorta left behind. I did that before years ago, stayed back one year and managed the clean up of the old life. This will be different though.
These days all feel like weekends. I have to stop and think about what day it is. We sleep in together. Late dog walk and breakfast, usually I make him a big spread of omelet with potatoes. For me is sadly random (see below). Late dog walk. Late arrival to work and a 5-8 hour day. Home to him, and usually a late evening, late to bed. My old sleep/wake hours are a memory right now!
Haven't been home since...Christmas? The travel ban at work was lifted this past Thursday, um, the 7th of May I think. We took advantage of it to travel to St Rob to work on his house for two days. Lots done there, more to do. I'm happy seeing his stuff coming back to StL, I like seeing his life and seeing his life mix into mine. It feels less like he's living in "my" house, more like it's more "ours", even if it's still mine. Make sense?
I can work all I want, been doing 25-35 hours a week. But I'm still pretty flex about it. You can see one result of it -- my blog posts go from daily to monthly without a regular computer.
Speaking of computers, my new iPhone 5 got splashed with water and while it's drying out I'm using his big 8. Huge. Not used to it yet. It has it's pros and cons. It's big, but that means a big screen! And it was his, kinda oddly a personal gifty way to share.
A few days ago was the 1 year anniversary of the dog bite. I can tell from my 2019 blog entries that this even was a down-turn in my mood and the start of a depression that lasted until December or January with LA. In March last year the M came back, he comes and goes. Balrog came and left by June, no sign since. I was self-destructive and falling apart, the cracks were obvious by October and November.
What a change it's been. I'm trying to solidify this ground before he leaves in July so I don't regress. Right now, I can direct energy to taking care of him with his Disney and medical school issues. How he stays so calm, I mean aside from falling into a bucket of ice cream, is beyond me. I'm trying to learn how he does it. I'm seeing him during what has to be a most painful and stressful time. Yet he's calm, thoughtful, reflective, sorta bitter on some things, yet open and talks about it. I bottle it and hide it away. Or I talk to M.
On the 7th, the one year of the dog bite, there was a full moon at 5:45am. Beautiful!!!! On that day, I resolved to follow my nutritional plan from JenMcD nutritionist. To track and get less random and less "whatthehell" about what I eat. Now that I'm running again, it's more important. And I can identify foods that trigger issues. I've made a list of what to avoid. It's easy enough if it's not available, hard to avoid if avail and I'm stressed. The last I saw M was... April 28, 30, May 5, 6. He's now welcome, he has to go before July begins. I can't take the mental stress of it.
So here I go again. Committed to a training plan with the end goal of a Forest Park loop. Committed to a nutrition plan. Committed to a 1 year plan that will change where I live, where I work, who I live with, and everything!
Now, to commit to taking care of my mice! GO! Then I get to run, the last run/walk interval before I get into straight runs :)
APRIL
15x 1 1.46/2.56
15x 1 1.56/2.84
20x 1 2.07/3.67
10x 2 1.97/3.1
10x 2 1.97/3.2
12x 2 2.4/3.37
8x 3 2.36/3.11
MAY
8x 3 2.3/3.14
11x 3 3.57/4.0
8x 4 3.25/4.0
April Totals: 13.8 miles run and 21.85 miles run/walk
May Totals:
Well WOOHOO I'm back to running! And I'm even more happy to say that it's pain-free. None of the post-run pain and stiffness I was feeling in Jan or Feb or whenever I was running before I got sick in March. I have some stiff soreness in both feet after I wake up, that's it.
But I'm not cross training at all. It's MAY for crying out loud and Puppy doesn't even have full air in the tires. Last night I move Frea to store some of LA's books and ugh...I could feel the call of the MCT and the Levee roads across the river.
BE texted that he's keeping the 6am Monday and Tuesday sessions. I haven't joined yet, right now I'm enjoying sleeping in and cuddling. LA would join us, but it seems to spoil something to run us out of bed.
See, for now, I feel like we're in this magical moment in time in which we can have full days together, and too soon that will all be gone. In July it ends and a new life begins for both of us. For him, a new city alone and medical school. For me, I'm alone too but in a familiar place, feeling sorta left behind. I did that before years ago, stayed back one year and managed the clean up of the old life. This will be different though.
These days all feel like weekends. I have to stop and think about what day it is. We sleep in together. Late dog walk and breakfast, usually I make him a big spread of omelet with potatoes. For me is sadly random (see below). Late dog walk. Late arrival to work and a 5-8 hour day. Home to him, and usually a late evening, late to bed. My old sleep/wake hours are a memory right now!
Haven't been home since...Christmas? The travel ban at work was lifted this past Thursday, um, the 7th of May I think. We took advantage of it to travel to St Rob to work on his house for two days. Lots done there, more to do. I'm happy seeing his stuff coming back to StL, I like seeing his life and seeing his life mix into mine. It feels less like he's living in "my" house, more like it's more "ours", even if it's still mine. Make sense?
I can work all I want, been doing 25-35 hours a week. But I'm still pretty flex about it. You can see one result of it -- my blog posts go from daily to monthly without a regular computer.
Speaking of computers, my new iPhone 5 got splashed with water and while it's drying out I'm using his big 8. Huge. Not used to it yet. It has it's pros and cons. It's big, but that means a big screen! And it was his, kinda oddly a personal gifty way to share.
A few days ago was the 1 year anniversary of the dog bite. I can tell from my 2019 blog entries that this even was a down-turn in my mood and the start of a depression that lasted until December or January with LA. In March last year the M came back, he comes and goes. Balrog came and left by June, no sign since. I was self-destructive and falling apart, the cracks were obvious by October and November.
What a change it's been. I'm trying to solidify this ground before he leaves in July so I don't regress. Right now, I can direct energy to taking care of him with his Disney and medical school issues. How he stays so calm, I mean aside from falling into a bucket of ice cream, is beyond me. I'm trying to learn how he does it. I'm seeing him during what has to be a most painful and stressful time. Yet he's calm, thoughtful, reflective, sorta bitter on some things, yet open and talks about it. I bottle it and hide it away. Or I talk to M.
On the 7th, the one year of the dog bite, there was a full moon at 5:45am. Beautiful!!!! On that day, I resolved to follow my nutritional plan from JenMcD nutritionist. To track and get less random and less "whatthehell" about what I eat. Now that I'm running again, it's more important. And I can identify foods that trigger issues. I've made a list of what to avoid. It's easy enough if it's not available, hard to avoid if avail and I'm stressed. The last I saw M was... April 28, 30, May 5, 6. He's now welcome, he has to go before July begins. I can't take the mental stress of it.
So here I go again. Committed to a training plan with the end goal of a Forest Park loop. Committed to a nutrition plan. Committed to a 1 year plan that will change where I live, where I work, who I live with, and everything!
Now, to commit to taking care of my mice! GO! Then I get to run, the last run/walk interval before I get into straight runs :)
Tuesday, April 14, 2020
A month gone! What's been happening: Sick, COVID and Michigan
I'll log workouts (I have some, really!) in another post.
Here, the major topics:
1. Sick in March
2. Covid-19
3. U Michigan
I had envisioned multiple posts, I could talk (type) all day on some of this, but let's try to keep it focused while getting all my thoughts in. I know this isn't the place for some of this. This is a training log, but I'm not "training" so I could leave it blank or put some other stories in.
1. Sick in March
March started off OK, a TGP bike ride and a few runs. My running was feeling good. The increases and gains came slow but felt like progress. I have no races in mind, no goals except being able to loop Forest Park. Simple enough.
On March 7th I noted some sharp right hip pains, in what I think might be the right pubic bone injured last year. But I'm not sure. LA says I'm doing to much too fast. I hate hearing that, whether it's right or wrong. I hate it. I makes me doubt myself, and I dig in more. And it shows that others doubt me. So while I appreciate any honesty, it still hurts to feel all that doubt. I have enough doubt on myself, I don't need more.
The pain continued and on March 9th it increased and continued to sharply increase into Wednesday the 11th. I was cold, super tired, weak, unfocused. I worked Monday and Tuesday (had a M problem Tuesday night, left me SICK from potato starch and some of the port wine that I sipped). On Wednesday I went home early feeling swollen and terribly pained in the gut (from the starch M). From there I was stuck at home until the next Thursday! My gut shut down and quit moving. I was having fevers up and down from normal up to 102. I was beyond tired, weak, with body pains that seem impossible. And the headache, I can't describe it. Intense and sharp. I couldn't even get to the third floor to distract myself with a movie.
Saturday the 14 everything really went bad, I was in and out of being aware (good thing when you hurt like that I guess) but I couldn't even think. Somehow or another, LA took me to the ER at St Marys. He had other commitments in town and I was glad he wasn't at the house to see me, and felt worse for him having to lose time with his family to take care of me.
The ER was probably a mistake. I wasn't able to communicate my problems clearly, and that impacted how I was cared for. Did I just blame myself for my mis-diagnosis?! I came in with history of 5 days of fever, abdominal pain, extreme body pain and headache. I was dx'd with GERD and IBS. While in the ER, I was giving morphine or something like it and an antacid. I couldn't process why I was getting the antiacid at the time. When the Dr checked on me later, I said my headache wasn't improved and he gave me tramadol. At the time, I didn't know what it was, I couldn't think. Looking back, I didn't want it. I wanted to treat the problem not the symptoms. Ugh.
LA got me home, again I took time from his family. Can't even take care of myself. There's so much more to say about the ER visit and more, but suffice it to say it all sucked.
It wasn't until Monday morning that I realized the misdiagnosis and the prescriptions for an antiacid. Ugh times a million.
I made it back to work the next Thursday for a half day, but it took at least through the next week until I had energy and improvements in my ability to move. My gut took 2 weeks to come back online and work normally. Took also some assistance and drugs. Ugh!. Here a month later I'm still not fully normalized. But the pain and bleeding is gone. Oh yeah, I didn't mention any of that yet did I?
In the meantime, I missed my family's birthday parties and a visit home.
#2: COVID-19
And in the meantime, a pandemic was declared the week I was sick. On March 23th, while I was still weak and tired, the state and City shut down and declared a shelter-in. Fucking hell. This meant I couldn't travel more than 60 miles and I was deemed the essential employee for the lab. I'm alone here now for weeks.
I'm happy to be able to come to lab, otherwise I'd go nuts. Or M the fuck out and just die from it. And if it wasn't for LA, I'd be completely alone through this. The shelter order means only grocery store shopping, pharmacy stops, no group activities. Playgrounds are closed, but liquor stores aren't. I can go to work once I pass the health screen and guards at the doors, but LA is stuck at the house as a dog sitter. Traffic is light but there's still a lot of people out, but admittedly it's really nice to not wake up to the rumble of school bus after school bus on the street outside.
We sleep in and tend to stay up late. I still shop and cook, he still likes everything I make. We watch movies and I do some stained glass work when he has homework. Long dog walks, recently some running.
Really not much changed in my life, I don't eat at the restaurants really anyway (LA has done some carryout). Work hours are shorter, and I only come in 4 days a week or so instead of 6. We aren't supposed to open up new experiments, but I'm doing it anyway when I can.
Some people are describing a sense of grief about this. Grief about the loss of the life we had, how life will never be the same in the world again. For now it's social distancing, masks, and hand sanitizers. Carry out services and delivery. Stores out of stock of some foods (like stupid toilet paper) and limits to number of people in stores.
But for me, it's been a blessing of sorts. I get to spend all the time with LA. And this becomes relevant more in #3 below. People are also describing the effect of suddenly being house-bound with their significant other, either good or bad. Tinder dates living together to nearly-divorced being stuck together. My experience so far is all good. He calms me, challenges me, amuses me, and without him here I think the struggle would hit hard. This won't be what it's like to live with him, to really live with him, but if we can enjoy this does that mean good things for years ahead?
#3: Medical School
I've been in such denial about this happening. I knew full well he's leaving, he's too smart and dedicated to not get accepted to a school. But he'd talk about going to Mizzou next year and my head would keep that option open, as a way to deny his going to Michigan. Maybe we have another year, I'd think. Not yet. Not so fast. Just not yet.
But sure enough, he's accepted. I think found out on April 2nd or so. Of course I mentally crashed and tried not to cry. But I cried inside all day. For what? For losing what we found in the past few months, I think. For the life we have now. For the stability and calm and love I feel now. Like my life is finally moving forward for the first time in years. For the loss of mornings sleeping in and afternoons walking the dog.
I'm tearing up just typing this.
Soooooo many questions, and I don't deal in uncertainties. What about this, that, this that this that. Once I realized why I was so stressed, I tell this to LA. That I don't deal with the questions. And he patiently answered all he could. When. How. How this. What about that. When do I move. How to I tell work I'm leaving. Do we buy or rent a house. How do I find a new cardiologist. Do I bring the curtains in the bedroom? You can see that my mind spiraled here, and that I'm worried on the details. LA sees the big picture, I see the details.
To his credit, he's putting up with me. He answers all the questions. He answers them many times over if needed. I don't want to be a pain in the ass tho, but I need to hear this over and over and over, just tell me everything will be OK.
How does he stay so calm? He's known for years that he'd be doing this. I've known for a few weeks. This wasn't part of my plan, to leave STL so soon. I promised Todd more time. I feel like I'm breaking a promise to him. And he's done so much for me this past 2 years.
But I'm stuck. I've been stuck since the heart attack in Sept 2018. I realized soon enough that I need to leave STL, I can't keep driving my that great hill I used to run, pass the park I used to run, the trails I used to run, the pool I used to swim, the route I used to ride, the paths I used to ride. The mental strain of this is manifesting in M, the mental monster that lives in my head, that sabotages any positive forward progress I make.
Is this what I need to get unstuck? Initially my plans were to leave STL in a few years, but I had no where to go. I entertained just moving back home, but my job with mean quitting science. So since I felt I had no where to go, I stayed. Driving by and reliving old memories, day after day. Memories of what used to be.
Is this what I need? I'm somewhat disappointed in that this wasn't my choice of places to live, but that's a stupid excuse because I had no where else to go. I'm frustrated that I have to leave behind a garden, but they can be moved and replanted (this was one of my ridiculous questions for LA), so that's not a reason. I'm sad to leave my friends behind, but I haven't seen them in months or more because I'm training alone or not training at all, so again, not a reason to stay. I'll miss my house, really miss it, it's the first thing that was mine, but it's full of stuff from my previous life and that's a weight I keep bearing too.
So is this what I need? This would be a complete change. Michigan is cold, liberal, and expensive. Three unhappies for me. But it's only 3-4 years. And if I like it, we might stay. It's temporary. But Michigan also has research opportunities when I'm ready to open up to that search. It has pretty outdoor parks and rivers I saw during the visit, and similar to Iowa it's a small town bounded by rural land. And it will have LA. It will have cuddles, and shop-vac kisses, and Archer and House, it will have extra cookies for Sugar and help with housework, there will be hot showers and lotion back rubs. And more. I know I need all that, I can leave a house and garden and job to keep that.
Tearing up again.
So I said this would be short. Failed that, haha. And I'm holding to my no-edit rule. Not re-reading what I type and not sure I'll ever read it again. There's so much more to say. But I'm ending it here.
Here, the major topics:
1. Sick in March
2. Covid-19
3. U Michigan
I had envisioned multiple posts, I could talk (type) all day on some of this, but let's try to keep it focused while getting all my thoughts in. I know this isn't the place for some of this. This is a training log, but I'm not "training" so I could leave it blank or put some other stories in.
1. Sick in March
March started off OK, a TGP bike ride and a few runs. My running was feeling good. The increases and gains came slow but felt like progress. I have no races in mind, no goals except being able to loop Forest Park. Simple enough.
On March 7th I noted some sharp right hip pains, in what I think might be the right pubic bone injured last year. But I'm not sure. LA says I'm doing to much too fast. I hate hearing that, whether it's right or wrong. I hate it. I makes me doubt myself, and I dig in more. And it shows that others doubt me. So while I appreciate any honesty, it still hurts to feel all that doubt. I have enough doubt on myself, I don't need more.
The pain continued and on March 9th it increased and continued to sharply increase into Wednesday the 11th. I was cold, super tired, weak, unfocused. I worked Monday and Tuesday (had a M problem Tuesday night, left me SICK from potato starch and some of the port wine that I sipped). On Wednesday I went home early feeling swollen and terribly pained in the gut (from the starch M). From there I was stuck at home until the next Thursday! My gut shut down and quit moving. I was having fevers up and down from normal up to 102. I was beyond tired, weak, with body pains that seem impossible. And the headache, I can't describe it. Intense and sharp. I couldn't even get to the third floor to distract myself with a movie.
Saturday the 14 everything really went bad, I was in and out of being aware (good thing when you hurt like that I guess) but I couldn't even think. Somehow or another, LA took me to the ER at St Marys. He had other commitments in town and I was glad he wasn't at the house to see me, and felt worse for him having to lose time with his family to take care of me.
The ER was probably a mistake. I wasn't able to communicate my problems clearly, and that impacted how I was cared for. Did I just blame myself for my mis-diagnosis?! I came in with history of 5 days of fever, abdominal pain, extreme body pain and headache. I was dx'd with GERD and IBS. While in the ER, I was giving morphine or something like it and an antacid. I couldn't process why I was getting the antiacid at the time. When the Dr checked on me later, I said my headache wasn't improved and he gave me tramadol. At the time, I didn't know what it was, I couldn't think. Looking back, I didn't want it. I wanted to treat the problem not the symptoms. Ugh.
LA got me home, again I took time from his family. Can't even take care of myself. There's so much more to say about the ER visit and more, but suffice it to say it all sucked.
It wasn't until Monday morning that I realized the misdiagnosis and the prescriptions for an antiacid. Ugh times a million.
I made it back to work the next Thursday for a half day, but it took at least through the next week until I had energy and improvements in my ability to move. My gut took 2 weeks to come back online and work normally. Took also some assistance and drugs. Ugh!. Here a month later I'm still not fully normalized. But the pain and bleeding is gone. Oh yeah, I didn't mention any of that yet did I?
In the meantime, I missed my family's birthday parties and a visit home.
#2: COVID-19
And in the meantime, a pandemic was declared the week I was sick. On March 23th, while I was still weak and tired, the state and City shut down and declared a shelter-in. Fucking hell. This meant I couldn't travel more than 60 miles and I was deemed the essential employee for the lab. I'm alone here now for weeks.
I'm happy to be able to come to lab, otherwise I'd go nuts. Or M the fuck out and just die from it. And if it wasn't for LA, I'd be completely alone through this. The shelter order means only grocery store shopping, pharmacy stops, no group activities. Playgrounds are closed, but liquor stores aren't. I can go to work once I pass the health screen and guards at the doors, but LA is stuck at the house as a dog sitter. Traffic is light but there's still a lot of people out, but admittedly it's really nice to not wake up to the rumble of school bus after school bus on the street outside.
We sleep in and tend to stay up late. I still shop and cook, he still likes everything I make. We watch movies and I do some stained glass work when he has homework. Long dog walks, recently some running.
Really not much changed in my life, I don't eat at the restaurants really anyway (LA has done some carryout). Work hours are shorter, and I only come in 4 days a week or so instead of 6. We aren't supposed to open up new experiments, but I'm doing it anyway when I can.
Some people are describing a sense of grief about this. Grief about the loss of the life we had, how life will never be the same in the world again. For now it's social distancing, masks, and hand sanitizers. Carry out services and delivery. Stores out of stock of some foods (like stupid toilet paper) and limits to number of people in stores.
But for me, it's been a blessing of sorts. I get to spend all the time with LA. And this becomes relevant more in #3 below. People are also describing the effect of suddenly being house-bound with their significant other, either good or bad. Tinder dates living together to nearly-divorced being stuck together. My experience so far is all good. He calms me, challenges me, amuses me, and without him here I think the struggle would hit hard. This won't be what it's like to live with him, to really live with him, but if we can enjoy this does that mean good things for years ahead?
#3: Medical School
I've been in such denial about this happening. I knew full well he's leaving, he's too smart and dedicated to not get accepted to a school. But he'd talk about going to Mizzou next year and my head would keep that option open, as a way to deny his going to Michigan. Maybe we have another year, I'd think. Not yet. Not so fast. Just not yet.
But sure enough, he's accepted. I think found out on April 2nd or so. Of course I mentally crashed and tried not to cry. But I cried inside all day. For what? For losing what we found in the past few months, I think. For the life we have now. For the stability and calm and love I feel now. Like my life is finally moving forward for the first time in years. For the loss of mornings sleeping in and afternoons walking the dog.
I'm tearing up just typing this.
Soooooo many questions, and I don't deal in uncertainties. What about this, that, this that this that. Once I realized why I was so stressed, I tell this to LA. That I don't deal with the questions. And he patiently answered all he could. When. How. How this. What about that. When do I move. How to I tell work I'm leaving. Do we buy or rent a house. How do I find a new cardiologist. Do I bring the curtains in the bedroom? You can see that my mind spiraled here, and that I'm worried on the details. LA sees the big picture, I see the details.
To his credit, he's putting up with me. He answers all the questions. He answers them many times over if needed. I don't want to be a pain in the ass tho, but I need to hear this over and over and over, just tell me everything will be OK.
How does he stay so calm? He's known for years that he'd be doing this. I've known for a few weeks. This wasn't part of my plan, to leave STL so soon. I promised Todd more time. I feel like I'm breaking a promise to him. And he's done so much for me this past 2 years.
But I'm stuck. I've been stuck since the heart attack in Sept 2018. I realized soon enough that I need to leave STL, I can't keep driving my that great hill I used to run, pass the park I used to run, the trails I used to run, the pool I used to swim, the route I used to ride, the paths I used to ride. The mental strain of this is manifesting in M, the mental monster that lives in my head, that sabotages any positive forward progress I make.
Is this what I need to get unstuck? Initially my plans were to leave STL in a few years, but I had no where to go. I entertained just moving back home, but my job with mean quitting science. So since I felt I had no where to go, I stayed. Driving by and reliving old memories, day after day. Memories of what used to be.
Is this what I need? I'm somewhat disappointed in that this wasn't my choice of places to live, but that's a stupid excuse because I had no where else to go. I'm frustrated that I have to leave behind a garden, but they can be moved and replanted (this was one of my ridiculous questions for LA), so that's not a reason. I'm sad to leave my friends behind, but I haven't seen them in months or more because I'm training alone or not training at all, so again, not a reason to stay. I'll miss my house, really miss it, it's the first thing that was mine, but it's full of stuff from my previous life and that's a weight I keep bearing too.
So is this what I need? This would be a complete change. Michigan is cold, liberal, and expensive. Three unhappies for me. But it's only 3-4 years. And if I like it, we might stay. It's temporary. But Michigan also has research opportunities when I'm ready to open up to that search. It has pretty outdoor parks and rivers I saw during the visit, and similar to Iowa it's a small town bounded by rural land. And it will have LA. It will have cuddles, and shop-vac kisses, and Archer and House, it will have extra cookies for Sugar and help with housework, there will be hot showers and lotion back rubs. And more. I know I need all that, I can leave a house and garden and job to keep that.
Tearing up again.
So I said this would be short. Failed that, haha. And I'm holding to my no-edit rule. Not re-reading what I type and not sure I'll ever read it again. There's so much more to say. But I'm ending it here.
Thursday, March 5, 2020
I think Dr L is done with
RIDE 4.8 miles or so in 20 mins, TGP loop inbound
COMMUTE! 9.6 miles, took about 25 mins each way
Took a rest day yesterday after having some right hip pain/tightness while walking the doggie. Was gonna ride Puppy in, but in the end got a better option :)
Realized yesterday that my teal Brooks shoes are at 387 miles?! These are the 100K shoes from 2019. I put that many miles on while not running all that much? Yo, denial called, left a message wanting to discuss your so-called Year Of Not Running All That Much. He pointed out that 828 miles in 2019 is roughly 100 miles a month, especially considering that I only ran January through August. (Seriously though, 100 miles a month?! Gawds I'm awesome).
And because I'm a numbers geek, here's miles per year:
2014: 1455
2015: 1909
2016: 1737
2017: 306 (Jan - April)
2018: 300 (summer only)
2019: 828
-----
This morning the hip was better and I rode to work and added in an extra interval in TGP. It was a slow interval, roughly 20 mins, but an interval nonetheless.
-----
Something I keep forgetting to mention -- I haven't called Dr L back for an appointment yet, and I don't think I will. I've got a persistent kink in my lower-mid right back. Normally he'd address this. Honestly, while I think what he did worked, I'm not sure I needed it.
So after his recommendation to the Dr JS (aka Dr Bioresonance) and after he didn't reply to a text question in January, I wrote him off. And so far it's continued and I don't foresee a change.
-----
And for March I'm going without most of my normal dairy, so far it feels better. I was eating a lot of dairy it seemed. Bloating, GI upset, and useless really for nutrition. It's probably all in my head.
Yo, denial called, said Thanks for the cheese, man, now go for a run!
COMMUTE! 9.6 miles, took about 25 mins each way
Took a rest day yesterday after having some right hip pain/tightness while walking the doggie. Was gonna ride Puppy in, but in the end got a better option :)
Realized yesterday that my teal Brooks shoes are at 387 miles?! These are the 100K shoes from 2019. I put that many miles on while not running all that much? Yo, denial called, left a message wanting to discuss your so-called Year Of Not Running All That Much. He pointed out that 828 miles in 2019 is roughly 100 miles a month, especially considering that I only ran January through August. (Seriously though, 100 miles a month?! Gawds I'm awesome).
And because I'm a numbers geek, here's miles per year:
2014: 1455
2015: 1909
2016: 1737
2017: 306 (Jan - April)
2018: 300 (summer only)
2019: 828
-----
This morning the hip was better and I rode to work and added in an extra interval in TGP. It was a slow interval, roughly 20 mins, but an interval nonetheless.
-----
Something I keep forgetting to mention -- I haven't called Dr L back for an appointment yet, and I don't think I will. I've got a persistent kink in my lower-mid right back. Normally he'd address this. Honestly, while I think what he did worked, I'm not sure I needed it.
So after his recommendation to the Dr JS (aka Dr Bioresonance) and after he didn't reply to a text question in January, I wrote him off. And so far it's continued and I don't foresee a change.
-----
And for March I'm going without most of my normal dairy, so far it feels better. I was eating a lot of dairy it seemed. Bloating, GI upset, and useless really for nutrition. It's probably all in my head.
Yo, denial called, said Thanks for the cheese, man, now go for a run!
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