I'll log workouts (I have some, really!) in another post.
Here, the major topics:
1. Sick in March
2. Covid-19
3. U Michigan
I had envisioned multiple posts, I could talk (type) all day on some of this, but let's try to keep it focused while getting all my thoughts in. I know this isn't the place for some of this. This is a training log, but I'm not "training" so I could leave it blank or put some other stories in.
1. Sick in March
March started off OK, a TGP bike ride and a few runs. My running was feeling good. The increases and gains came slow but felt like progress. I have no races in mind, no goals except being able to loop Forest Park. Simple enough.
On March 7th I noted some sharp right hip pains, in what I think might be the right pubic bone injured last year. But I'm not sure. LA says I'm doing to much too fast. I hate hearing that, whether it's right or wrong. I hate it. I makes me doubt myself, and I dig in more. And it shows that others doubt me. So while I appreciate any honesty, it still hurts to feel all that doubt. I have enough doubt on myself, I don't need more.
The pain continued and on March 9th it increased and continued to sharply increase into Wednesday the 11th. I was cold, super tired, weak, unfocused. I worked Monday and Tuesday (had a M problem Tuesday night, left me SICK from potato starch and some of the port wine that I sipped). On Wednesday I went home early feeling swollen and terribly pained in the gut (from the starch M). From there I was stuck at home until the next Thursday! My gut shut down and quit moving. I was having fevers up and down from normal up to 102. I was beyond tired, weak, with body pains that seem impossible. And the headache, I can't describe it. Intense and sharp. I couldn't even get to the third floor to distract myself with a movie.
Saturday the 14 everything really went bad, I was in and out of being aware (good thing when you hurt like that I guess) but I couldn't even think. Somehow or another, LA took me to the ER at St Marys. He had other commitments in town and I was glad he wasn't at the house to see me, and felt worse for him having to lose time with his family to take care of me.
The ER was probably a mistake. I wasn't able to communicate my problems clearly, and that impacted how I was cared for. Did I just blame myself for my mis-diagnosis?! I came in with history of 5 days of fever, abdominal pain, extreme body pain and headache. I was dx'd with GERD and IBS. While in the ER, I was giving morphine or something like it and an antacid. I couldn't process why I was getting the antiacid at the time. When the Dr checked on me later, I said my headache wasn't improved and he gave me tramadol. At the time, I didn't know what it was, I couldn't think. Looking back, I didn't want it. I wanted to treat the problem not the symptoms. Ugh.
LA got me home, again I took time from his family. Can't even take care of myself. There's so much more to say about the ER visit and more, but suffice it to say it all sucked.
It wasn't until Monday morning that I realized the misdiagnosis and the prescriptions for an antiacid. Ugh times a million.
I made it back to work the next Thursday for a half day, but it took at least through the next week until I had energy and improvements in my ability to move. My gut took 2 weeks to come back online and work normally. Took also some assistance and drugs. Ugh!. Here a month later I'm still not fully normalized. But the pain and bleeding is gone. Oh yeah, I didn't mention any of that yet did I?
In the meantime, I missed my family's birthday parties and a visit home.
#2: COVID-19
And in the meantime, a pandemic was declared the week I was sick. On March 23th, while I was still weak and tired, the state and City shut down and declared a shelter-in. Fucking hell. This meant I couldn't travel more than 60 miles and I was deemed the essential employee for the lab. I'm alone here now for weeks.
I'm happy to be able to come to lab, otherwise I'd go nuts. Or M the fuck out and just die from it. And if it wasn't for LA, I'd be completely alone through this. The shelter order means only grocery store shopping, pharmacy stops, no group activities. Playgrounds are closed, but liquor stores aren't. I can go to work once I pass the health screen and guards at the doors, but LA is stuck at the house as a dog sitter. Traffic is light but there's still a lot of people out, but admittedly it's really nice to not wake up to the rumble of school bus after school bus on the street outside.
We sleep in and tend to stay up late. I still shop and cook, he still likes everything I make. We watch movies and I do some stained glass work when he has homework. Long dog walks, recently some running.
Really not much changed in my life, I don't eat at the restaurants really anyway (LA has done some carryout). Work hours are shorter, and I only come in 4 days a week or so instead of 6. We aren't supposed to open up new experiments, but I'm doing it anyway when I can.
Some people are describing a sense of grief about this. Grief about the loss of the life we had, how life will never be the same in the world again. For now it's social distancing, masks, and hand sanitizers. Carry out services and delivery. Stores out of stock of some foods (like stupid toilet paper) and limits to number of people in stores.
But for me, it's been a blessing of sorts. I get to spend all the time with LA. And this becomes relevant more in #3 below. People are also describing the effect of suddenly being house-bound with their significant other, either good or bad. Tinder dates living together to nearly-divorced being stuck together. My experience so far is all good. He calms me, challenges me, amuses me, and without him here I think the struggle would hit hard. This won't be what it's like to live with him, to really live with him, but if we can enjoy this does that mean good things for years ahead?
#3: Medical School
I've been in such denial about this happening. I knew full well he's leaving, he's too smart and dedicated to not get accepted to a school. But he'd talk about going to Mizzou next year and my head would keep that option open, as a way to deny his going to Michigan. Maybe we have another year, I'd think. Not yet. Not so fast. Just not yet.
But sure enough, he's accepted. I think found out on April 2nd or so. Of course I mentally crashed and tried not to cry. But I cried inside all day. For what? For losing what we found in the past few months, I think. For the life we have now. For the stability and calm and love I feel now. Like my life is finally moving forward for the first time in years. For the loss of mornings sleeping in and afternoons walking the dog.
I'm tearing up just typing this.
Soooooo many questions, and I don't deal in uncertainties. What about this, that, this that this that. Once I realized why I was so stressed, I tell this to LA. That I don't deal with the questions. And he patiently answered all he could. When. How. How this. What about that. When do I move. How to I tell work I'm leaving. Do we buy or rent a house. How do I find a new cardiologist. Do I bring the curtains in the bedroom? You can see that my mind spiraled here, and that I'm worried on the details. LA sees the big picture, I see the details.
To his credit, he's putting up with me. He answers all the questions. He answers them many times over if needed. I don't want to be a pain in the ass tho, but I need to hear this over and over and over, just tell me everything will be OK.
How does he stay so calm? He's known for years that he'd be doing this. I've known for a few weeks. This wasn't part of my plan, to leave STL so soon. I promised Todd more time. I feel like I'm breaking a promise to him. And he's done so much for me this past 2 years.
But I'm stuck. I've been stuck since the heart attack in Sept 2018. I realized soon enough that I need to leave STL, I can't keep driving my that great hill I used to run, pass the park I used to run, the trails I used to run, the pool I used to swim, the route I used to ride, the paths I used to ride. The mental strain of this is manifesting in M, the mental monster that lives in my head, that sabotages any positive forward progress I make.
Is this what I need to get unstuck? Initially my plans were to leave STL in a few years, but I had no where to go. I entertained just moving back home, but my job with mean quitting science. So since I felt I had no where to go, I stayed. Driving by and reliving old memories, day after day. Memories of what used to be.
Is this what I need? I'm somewhat disappointed in that this wasn't my choice of places to live, but that's a stupid excuse because I had no where else to go. I'm frustrated that I have to leave behind a garden, but they can be moved and replanted (this was one of my ridiculous questions for LA), so that's not a reason. I'm sad to leave my friends behind, but I haven't seen them in months or more because I'm training alone or not training at all, so again, not a reason to stay. I'll miss my house, really miss it, it's the first thing that was mine, but it's full of stuff from my previous life and that's a weight I keep bearing too.
So is this what I need? This would be a complete change. Michigan is cold, liberal, and expensive. Three unhappies for me. But it's only 3-4 years. And if I like it, we might stay. It's temporary. But Michigan also has research opportunities when I'm ready to open up to that search. It has pretty outdoor parks and rivers I saw during the visit, and similar to Iowa it's a small town bounded by rural land. And it will have LA. It will have cuddles, and shop-vac kisses, and Archer and House, it will have extra cookies for Sugar and help with housework, there will be hot showers and lotion back rubs. And more. I know I need all that, I can leave a house and garden and job to keep that.
Tearing up again.
So I said this would be short. Failed that, haha. And I'm holding to my no-edit rule. Not re-reading what I type and not sure I'll ever read it again. There's so much more to say. But I'm ending it here.
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