Such binary thinking

SWIM 46 mins and 2000 yards
BIKE COMMUTE 2 miles-ish
BIKE....??

Another day of up-in-the-air plans but at least I didn't fall apart because of it. Really great energy this last few days, aside from the mental schtuff'. Maybe the energy fuels the brain that spits out that schtuff.

Anyway.  Up on time, walk doggie, drive to swim and while doing so wondering how and when I'll get my bike ride in. Yeah, that was my "problem" of the morning. I had to drive in on the chance that Dr L's wait list opens up, that way I can drive out from work instead of biking home then driving out. I'm leaving work early today to help my neighbor with the tree leaning up towards the house, so that has my work schedule compressed and fucked up. Not sure I'll get anything done at work this week! (Another major stresser). My plan was to just plink away at the day and puzzle it together as I can.

Halfway to the pool, I have a light bulb moment -- why not ride after the tree is done? Duh, the sun doesn't set until...checking garmin...7:47 so that's a lot of opportunity for a 40' bike ride. I'm always so pleased with myself after I have these realizations -- that I can do 30' instead of 40', that I can do afternoons too instead of just morning. I tend to think all or none, on or off, yes or now. Binary.

So I'm at work, not much more to do, typing away.....I have lunch with TV, drive home, tree, bike ride, then of course because I'm too ambitious I have tentative plans to drive out to Ballwin to pick up an OfferUp thing for mom.

The swim! 3x400's was MS, I broke it up and didn't continuously swim the 400's. Kick, pull, swim, mixed it up.

Brick, PT, thinking

BIKE indoors 50' and about 13 or 14 miles?
RUN 1.76 miles out of 3 total, 37 mins
PT with JH
BIKE COMMUTE from Fo Pa about 2 miles
Walk about 3.5-4 miles total

Brickety-brick as I like to call them. Though in reviewing past years yesterday I saw that Tuesday TADs were a thing. This doesn't really count as a TAD, it would if I ran in afternoon but then it wouldn't be a brick. Brickety-brick!

3x 8 min intervals on the bike was the plan, I messed up my timer and got 2 8's and 1 ?? of about 10 mins. I was going to ride outdoors but this saved time. Then off to run, which felt heavy and clunky and slow. This was reflected in the numbers - low cadence in 160's, pace more like 930-10m/m, and HR climbed in each interval with the last one showing over 155. I was slightly overdressed, tired from the brick, and .... oh.... excuses.

The hip feels OK, it hurts about as much as I expect it to. The right ankle has calmed down (I quit wearing the broken down Cascadias, for one) but I'm still eyeballing it. I get afternoon headaches after I swim, huh, wonder where that comes from....  And my back is holding up OK, again about as expected considering the activity level.

Once I had an idea of my schedule I called Dr L's office, I'm on the wait list. Why do I feel like a 'failure' if I need to go in for an extra appointment. Shouldn't it be a WIN that I recognized the need to go and prioritized it?

PT with JH changed a bit today, now instead of floor work with that beloved ball I alternated between ball and standing, a few rotations of this! Progress?! And finally I start making the connection he's been teaching about 'not lifting the leg off the ball, but rather pressing down with the other leg'. DING-DING-DING I finally start to get it. And when I do, my core let's me know. I joked that the light bulb came on, this time a slow brightening of the dimmer switch.

I'm still in my head, but  I'll call it progress to say that I'm at least aware of it and encouraging reframing. Like just now, I pointed out to myself that a BrokenBee wouldn't be able to knock back 18 flights of stairs just like that. Earlier I halted a negative narrative about something else. Rein it in.

And with the end of the month always comes new goals, mapping out what worked in April and what I'd like to try in May. I end up checking a lot of boxes! My May bullet journal will be a milkweed and butterfly theme.

And following up on yesterday's question, about what I want? I'm tired of being tired of things. Tired of habits that don't change. Tired of negative self talk. Tired of weekends being a long slog with M coming by. Tired of feeling like there's no progress. Tired of feeling like I'm broken.

I'm not Broken!

What is it I want, anyway?

SWIM 2600 yards in 60 mins, 8x150 MS as choice
Rain, no bike commute

I woke up on time, had my veggies pre cut and nuked, but still ran slow all morning. The times just disappears! It was raining, and I think this derailed my train a bit. Had no idea it was supposed to rain. Good think I worked on the roof yesterday.

Walk the dog, mental spinning. I'm supposed to swim, as per my plan. I'm supposed to call Dr L, as per Jeff. I'm supposed to bike to work, but it's raining. This just clogs my thinking, a sort of decision paralysis. I want to swim, but I'm running short on time for being so slow. It's not that I don't want to call Dr L, but I don't want to "waste" $$ and I don't know how to fit it into my schedule.

So I get home from the rainy cold dog walk (and I have furnace turned off, so I come back to 59F house, not that cold!) and lose momentum. Played with the dog as per plan, just a few mins. Then got stuck munching a meal. Finished off a serving of pork. Went for me, planning half of another piece of pork but then did the whole piece. Pre-swim! Do I want to be sick in swim?! Am I still going to swim?!

OK breath. Think. Gotta figure out schedule. Call Dr L, and fucking-A the office is closed! So it wasn't even a factor in my day!!! Ugh. That's decided. OK I gotta drive in because of relatively heavy rain, so that's decided. I'm going to swim, decided. Off to gym, kinda late at 8am.

My head was all a mess in the swim. I'm having moments of really missing the past. I think back to what Used To Be. In 2014 I was training for hours in this pool for MiTi. In 2014 I was biking way more than 21 miles on Saturday. I was marathon tapering. In 2015 I was building into KM100. I was strong, sure, yet unstable in 2014. My health was declining. Same in 2015. So why do I look back and think of those as the Glory Days of training?

I looked over my blog training notes once I got to work. (oh, the swim went great. 800 WU with every 4th choice, then MS 8x150 as 2x through pull, kick, swim, pull, the CD to 60' total). Four years ago I was logging lots of hours, happily plugging away. And it struck me just how much I has NOT changed in my mental issues. Blerch and Monster were frequent visitors. They still are, four fucking years later. I had doubts about my swim ability, trouble finding morning motivation like I did today.

Happily I can report that the gut issues that really ramped up 4 years ago are mostly gone, replaced by other problems mostly in my head. That was a relief to read, good to see the progress I made on that front.

But one thing I'm going to think one: What Do I Really Want. What do I mean by that? Hmmm....  I feel like I've lost my identity over the past 4 years. The factors that I defined myself by have changed. (A few hours ago, I used the words 'taken from me', so progress there). I was a married, healthy, socially active, athlete who was fit, strong, and sure. Life is entirely different now, better in many ways but I'm missing some of the ways that are gone.

I want to be certain of my body, that it will repair and rebuild. I want that feeling of "I can" to get me through any workout. I want to kill Blerch and Monster (he popped up again yesterday, fucking hell). I want to get with my friends, see them and plan and ride and run. I even kinda want to date again, but not really dating but more like having just someone I can share stuff with.

OK, I've recognized and acknowledged. Incubate on this, come back when there's a more concrete list and maybe even a plan.

A weekend that feels like how a weekend SHOULD be

Saturday SWIM 2500 y in 60 mins
               BIKE 21 miles in 80 mins, on FREA!
Sunday RUN 2.7 miles in total 4.6 mi run/walk in 55 mins
            BIKE indoors 30 mins, maybe 7 miles

Finally. Finally. Finally a weekend that feels like what I want a weekend to feel like. I had lots to do and got lots done and I'm overall happy with it. Especially after a mental bummer Friday.

Saturday got up and got the swim in. Had two options a 1200 'continuous' with every 4th 25y choice, or 2x600 as #1 swim and #2 pull. I took the first, and it rocked by easy enough. I did backstroke, and initially planned to pull the second half but in the end I swam it all. I tricked myself into "just one more 100 swim" until I reached 900, well by then 1000 was a 5/6th, then 1100 was soooo close to having done it all swim, then done!

Home, 2 hours of garden work clearing weeds and wheelbarrowing compost, a cancellation to sell the weight bench sale that was planned, then I pulled Frea up out of the basement. It was a perfect day for this. The first idea was to just ride around the house to test the bike wheels, brakes, etc, then decide where to go. Instead I just went to TGP to ride the 5 mile loop route.

Oooh this bike. I LOVE this bike. I could HUG this bike. I had only one or two misfires with trying to shift on the horns and clipping in and out. And one near ground-kiss when I turned a corner with bumps in aero, but really minor. The hiss of the tire on pavement. The feeling of power from the aero position. The acceleration this bike gives. I LOVE this bike.

Even better, no podcast or music. Just the hiss of the tire and the hum of the frame, the people in the park and the new bike share Lime Bikes, ..... I felt so at home. I wanted more miles, group rides, friends to ride with, more wind and more pave and more more more. Instead I finished my 3 loops and and headed to Walgreens to get my rx.

Yes, the hip flexors whined a little. Yes, the mid-back got tight. Yes right near the end my feet complained :)

Sunday -- up to run. It wasn't the best run as my HR got high, the cadence barely over 170, and the pace not ideal. But JFC what am I thinking? I GOT TO RUN! I LOVE IT! Ran down to the Lemp area and brewery. A little mental in the run, even with music. Just tired. Once home I went straight to the bike, didn't even change clothes! I peel them off as I warmed up. I took advantage of being able to sit up more on this bike, just easy spin but not a lazy one.

Shower , meal, then sell the weight bench in the basement. Then up to the roof to fix the leak. Then shopping errands and cookup. Busy weekend. And it felt so good after Friday.

I'm building not a single room, but rather a multi-room mansion

SWIM? WasGonna, Did I?
BC 2 miles in from Fo Pa

I was supposed to, er...rather...I was planning on swimming this morning. It didn't happen. Lazy. Tired. What was the excuse this time?

Met with Jeff this morning, first since a week ago. I didn't bring up my activities like I normally do. Usually I'm so happy to report a run, how it felt and the cadence and other data points.  Not today. I walked on the treadmill until he asked. I thought I had an answer ready, I didn't. I couldn't get the thoughts out.....thinking....I wanted to give a mostly emotionless answer, one based on observation and info instead of feelings and fears. I think I failed. I said "I understand recovery is peaks and valleys. I'm in a valley".

Then went on to describe an overview of symptoms and schedule. I'll put it here so I can see the facts and review later if needed.

Symptoms: hip is pained at night, popping sometimes when I walk. My right ankle was popped out earlier in the week and although it seems better now in that regard, now it's got a tingly pain. My lower back is quiet until I try to bend over, like to get something from the fridge. My neck hurts into a headache and mid-upper back.

Schedule: swim and bike last Saturday (he pointed out that 20 miles was probably too much too soon, I stupidly tried to argue otherwise, skipped the Sunday run, swam Monday, brick with short run Tuesday, Weds swim, (realizing now I didn't even mention my commute miles), then I admitted to running yesterday, 2.8 miles in a total of 5 miles covered.

It's hard to look back, to remember everything and admit to my stupids here. But here goes. I said I don't know why I ran yesterday, even though it all felt good especially once warmed up. I said I'm swimming because it seems like all I can do sometimes even though that's what cranks my neck. Yes, I probably biked too far. Ok. I biked too far, the evidence is there not in the distance or time but in the PAIN I felt in the ride.

I said I'll probably run Sunday, because, just because. He said it's not a good idea, and I AGREE with him but I'll want to run BECAUSE. I can't explain it.

He asked about dr L, said I called but the office closed, he said Dr L had a trip to Boston. I said when I got the closed office message I took it as a sign that I didn't need treatment. That wasn't supposed to be said out loud.

So he warned the session will be shorter, I sagged and said "that's my punishment". That wasn't supposed to be said out loud either.

The session wasn't really much shorter. It was just right. No pain, no discomfort. Alone I never would have stopped at that. I would have kept going!

I tried to calm down, tried to relax. I don't think I succeeded. I tried my breathing meditation, counting, anything to turn my head off . It was like a hamster on a wheel faster faster faster only faster until WHOOP control is lost and WHIRL the hamster loses control and FLIP-FLIP-FLIP until he spills out of the wheel.

He successfully distracted me with a NYT mouse study, which in the end only served as fodder for more mental whirling as I jumped on that track and ran with it off topic and off rails.

Stretching was extra tight, I couldn't relax. I guarded and tightened up. Yes there was some pain, but not that much more than usual.

He said, you're building a multi room (or multi story) (does it matter?) mansion, not a single room house. I need a foundation. My increases in volume will peak up and drop down to baseline, and the peaks might not change in height for awhile. And the goal is to no drop the baseline level.

So this has been my chant in my head now. Trying to crowd out the "you skipped your swim you lazy bum" and the "you don't hurt that bed Jeezus Christ HTFU" and "you just find whatever excuse you can".

This pain voice....not a team player. Suppressed for too long, now it's happy to be heard? Problem is now I'm so afraid of my body I can't trust it. Oooh that hurts...OMG I'm broken again....or am I lying to myself....I should run anyway just to show that yes I can run...like an itch to scratch...but if I run will I ruin all my progress....what have I done to myself with that bike ride...   Ooohhh yeah this is mental.

In closing, he said he was going to give Dr L a heads-up that I would be calling for a Monday appt. I joked he's like the anti-Blerch, the good voice on my shoulder. BUT. He's not a mental therapist! I feel dumb dumping on him like this.

Too cold to run? Did I really want to run? Yeah, just did it later

BIKE COMMUTE 9.4 miles
RUN 2.82 miles (25.5 mins) in 5 miles (60 mins) total

It wasn't that cold, was it? Just being lazy. And wimpy. Just didn't feel it. I walked the dog and had another meal, then rode to work. What's causing this? And my left ankle has edema again, swollen but not due to injury. Just fluid accumulation and I wake with it sorta but within an hour of waking it's swollen over the sock. Huh?

I ran in the afternoon, I don't have as good of runs at that time. Lunch is in my belly (didn't eat much today tho, given my two brekkies!), I've been sitting and stiffened up, and my mind just isn't as zippy. But to answer the question, did I really want to run, the answer was yes because even in the face of these 'cons' I ran anyway.

Full sun, west wind, low 50's. Gorgeous. Forest Park out n back, this time I made it all the way past the History Museum, furthest yet.

10 run intervals. 2 WU of 1.5-mins, 7x 3-mins, and one CD of 1.5-mins. All walk intervals 3-mins.
Run cadence good at 170 and up. HR a drifted high from 130 to 150 in the later intervals. Pace good at 8:50-9:20.

Hip felt good, so did back. I'm very aware of my feet, especially the right food. The medial side heel feels tingly, niggly, what's going on?!

Yibambe

SWIM 30 mins and 1200 yards
BIKE COMMUTE 9.4 miles
Extra bike??

Last week I fatigued out by mid week. So I "let" myself swim only (only?) 30 mins today. Most days I'd weasel out by thinking 30 mins isn't worth it. Not today. Yibambe.

I wrote out a swim workout on one of my index cards. There's a pile of pink and green ones on the table with the swim workout book. On a previous day, I wrote the inspirational word Yibambe on a pink card. It's from the upcoming Marvel comics movie, from a Buntu language. It means "hold". T'Challa is chanting it in a movie clip to his Wakandan forces, ready for battle, and waiting for the command to go. I've watched this clip many times. Oooh I love me some Thor, and Black Panther, and Capt, and oooh yeah. Oh and Dr Strange. SQUEEEEEEE.

Well anyway this card was on the table, and I accidentally used that card for my swim workout. So it was fitting to find that on the back of my card, as in inspiration to NOT skip my swim. Hold to the plan.

For whatever reason, I felt awesome in the pool this morning. I had reviewed some notes from my Ima Learn To Swim tag and found some instructions from previous swim lessons. Like, keep hands in continuous motion so left hand/arm doesn't drift out. This was today's focus. It felt slicker and smoother. I kept the sets short, did some pulling, but overall felt great.

Around 900 yards the Imagine Dragons song came on. Second time that's happened this month!

Home. Dog. Puppy commute to work. That felt awesome too. Listened to a new-for-me podcast Zen and The Art of Triathlon. He rambles, bunny trails, gets lost in track of conversation. Finally someone who thinks like me, but says it outloud and records for others to hear!

My plan was to do a long commute to work, but I was running later than intended. Soooo easy to say "I'll do it later, maybe over lunch or on the way home" but ha! that like never really happens. I'm tired by then. I'm also reminding myself that these commute rides are not included in the training plan (can't believe I'm calling it that, am I really that desperate to be training?) so when the plan calls for a 40' ride I really can't fault myself for just using the commute on that. Otherwise I'd be doing 8 hours of the plan PLUS the commute rides.