I keep thinking there's some August anniversary today or yesterday...

 So I looked at MiTi year, thinking that was it. No, but I did find this for August 13th, 2014

On top of it all, the Monster has reared it's head this week. I'm so off schedule, so off kilter, so overwhelmed feeling. He loves that shit and takes advantage of it.

So how to get it all back?
Focus. Stop the tumbling.
What needs to be done high-priority? Well, not this blog! But here I am anyway.

Start with tonight. Go home. Tend the dog, prep some tea, take a shower, and just sit for awhile. Think about tomorrow's plans. Then have dinner, hopefully will be home. No internet, no computer, no distractions. I swear, the Blerch hides in a computer screen sometimes.

Summary of 73, can I change for 72?

yesterday like monday - home immediately to moria "I'm only having a little" but then it extends into "I'm waiting for LA to come home" then he's home and I'm "waiting again" and in waiting it's all done. But then more berries + cocoa, more more then my sparkling water. Then I'm so OF that I'm in pain and burping up. Swear I'm done. Home to more. 

WTF. 

I'm reading The Hunger Habit.  Trigger to Behavior to Result.

What is the Behavior I want to change? I want to quit coming home to Moria and overeating. It's not that I'm eating unhealthy foods (side note, I have oats and PB and yogurt and cottage cheese in the house and I'm NOT eating it, whoa!!!) but I'm eating mindlessly under anxiety, the excuse of "waiting" and being unscheduled for a period of time. 

The Result is what I get from this. I get distracted in the short term, I get to watch a youtube video or stare at Reddit. In the long term I'm unhappy, regretting it, OF, burping, and Balrog is looking at me. 

The Trigger - coming home, tired and rushed sometimes, bored or waiting or unscheduled or anxious or lonely or uncertain what else to do next. I don't come to work unscheduled or waiting for a meeting and have the urge to eat. It's coming back to the house. 

Today - when I come back to the house, it will be much earlier than usual as I came to work earlier as part of my Shift the Commute experiment. Left today at 632, work by 710, means I should be leaving BEFORE 330. Home by... 4-415? Way too early for M3 so I have to have a goal of what I'm going to do  and a plan to interup the Habit Loop I just mapped out. 

I'm only on Day 5 of the book, there's 21 total. Day 4 was map the behavior. 

Summary of 74, goals for 73

Yesterday 74 - I came home after going to VW (an hour to get there from work!). Like day before, had a headache and no motivation. I was "waiting for Lev" to see if he wanted to walk and in doing so had dinner, dinner, then berries berries berries berries - 3 refills?!? Then after phone call (I still had 15 mins walk to do) I pulled out the turkey!? Well guess what. Overfull. And over goal.

Today - I want out of work EARLIER so I'm not stuck in traffic. I want to do a midweek run, just even a few miles. I can have an extra piece of fruit, but not this berries things. Make a bowl, ONE BOWL. Trust me, it's all you need. Why do this? It's the one of the last gaps to bridge to reach my 123 goal. 

125 = new clothes! 

Summary of 75, Goals for 74

75 summary: walked the 45 mins, did all of the personal art/goal chores by having them broken down into small steps, all accomplished! Mistake of eating the turkey/rice lunch for LA. Mistake of wanting to reach for my phone during meals. Mistake of continuing to eat berries and cocoa and mistake of blaming LA's phone call "holding me in the kitchen" when I could have sat on the patio too. 

74 goals: same - just get through the day without the phone, hold to schedule, break things down into steps. STOP with M3 and get out of Moria. Be aware.  

13.4 miles, I'm swollen! 75 days

Saturday RUN most of 10 miles (1:38 mins) then WALK 3.4 more for a total of 3 hours at Peeler, solo

LA in MO for Reserve Duty, and I'm super productive. My front and back page to do list is 90%+ cleared. Now it's Monday, I'm sore and swollen. 

House cleaned. Front rail prepped and painted. Propagation project started. Long run. Woohoo!! 

But  Moria. So Much Moria.

Another reason to be swollen. I bought new bras Saturday. 34C. I'm swollen into that. I want to buy new clothes, but I say NO until 125 is seen. Recent was 134-135. 

I was wanting to start a 75Hard before my bday, and today is 75 days left. I sketched out the rules this morning with coffee. 

Photo. Book. Outdoor WO. Water. All same. 

2nd WO will be 45' of personal goal time: art, russian, meditation, dog, stretching. Cumulative. 

Diet will be seated, chewed, no container, no phone, no distraction, clean, and pre-planned. 

Cheats will be no triggers: Abso zero of FB, RC, Applsc, Date, PP, salt dumps, chips, containers, mugmeals, instant potatoes. Preplanned only of potato, rice, oat, PB. Open to add more. 

So if you want a sweet potato with coconut manna. Plan it. You can have it, but it had to be there yesterday. 

80 days. It all feels huge

Yesterday I walked 2.6 miles in the morning, then 6 miles in the evening with LA. We were going to run/walk but it didn't happen that way. I felt huge and swollen (and my legs certainly were) and running in the evenings is not my strength. 

Rule #4: Compare Yourself To Who You Were Yesterday, Not To Who Someone Else Is Today

Compared to yesterday, I can hope that today can be in any way better. How dramatic. 

I planned a new meal plan for next week. This week's isn't working. It initially had oats and PB and protein powder for M2, JFC, like a shot to the head. I edited to remove at least the PP and reduce the fruit. 

I put so much thought and love into M1, then M3 is a generic "meat and veg". Hmmm. 

LA is tired, maybe depressed, overworked, up sick 2 hrs in the bathroom last night in an ongoing pattern. My life seems so easy in comparison - residency, army, kids - then what am I complaining about? Why can't I change, if I have all this free time to think and improve? 

Tomorrow is 80 days, after 120 what has changed?!

I"m WFH today and it's a fucking struggle to sit the fuck down and be focused. At first it was chores - I felt like I could conquer the list and relax. Then meals. By 10am 1 and 2 and PLUS and fucking hell at 1pm I'm OF and looking at the log and wondering how in the hell I'll survive it   

survive? WTH WTF

How will I ever survive it you fucking drama queen of denial. Stop. Restart. 

OK a break. I'm back. For the past 120 days since ... I don't know... I've been focused on my bday as a goal for change. Then on 150 days in May same thing, I still have the 108 habits form for it. Then on 90 days, now on 81 days, This Is It. I'll Change. 

What, just like that? Snap? 

Sometimes I wonder at all the times I've thought this - hair cut, moon cycle, buy something, event, change of somethingorother that seems to mark a before and an after. As if - after this happens something will be different and there will be some magical shift of some sort. After this... then never again that. 

And I know all along, before and regretfully after, and before I do it again, and as I'm explaining away the failure - that the shift has to be ME. Not the moon, haha, especially not that, and not a marriage or a visit or a job or a pair of shoes. Or wisdom teeth or graduation or moving or a haircut or medical appointment or anything of that sort and these things have actually happened in my head.

And so what's happened yesterday was the "the kids' summer is over and now I can..." But sunday fails, then I'll start Monday. Then Monday fails and here I am today on Tuesday. 

I need to make the change. Not the moon phase (which I've started mostly ignoring) or the date or the Monday or the new year or anything like that. 

Remember the time in Wyoming, standing at the sink at the window with M, and dad is behind me at the table, and I still can't stop? Well, I did stop. 

Remember that time at work with the mason jar of azuc and Mike C walked up, and I had to keep what I had and I probably still have it? Well, that did stop too. 

I'm currently measuring and preplanning all meals. No more containers of cottage cheese or dairy. 
No more oats, rice cakes, dates, applesauce, PB, protein powder, FB, rice, sugars, flours, instant potatoes, chips -- all this changed in the last two months. Trigger foods, hate to say it but moderation was NOT working for me. 

So now what's left to change? B is gone. M is gone. Azuc is gone. But Moria still exists, and that's what needs to change, and sitting here now overfull and burping that's easy to say "oh yeah Moria I can avoid" but that's shit just an hour ago and it will be shit a few hours later. 

Why am I typing all this? Because I need to see the problem. Spell it out. Oh fuck that, I KNOW THE PROBLEM. I've been writing about it for YEARS. This blog is evidence. 

I want a podcast or a book or something with the answer. What Do I Do to Fix This? 

I checked out a few books from the library. I want to do a 75BeeHard going into my bday, with my rules, but what is that worth when I have a day like today that just blows up and I sit here wondering if next week I can do that baked high protein oatmeal with roasted bananas on top instead of what I have this week?  Protein powder...no!

Well I do need to fix the meals because it's not working. I eat so little during the day (why, I don't know why I set it that way) then come home HUNGRY and OF. 

I thought about this last night and here I am again thinking about it - change the meals so it's not 250+350+>700 meals structure. 

Current:

M1:150c greek yogurt with ~100g strawberries, 2 tsp fiber, and 50c seeds. =268c 

    Evaluation - small volume, not satisfying, not filling, not satisfying really

    Suggestion - move yogurt and fruit to end of day type of thing, or a snack

M2: 100c chicken salad with 80c mayo and veggies, = 345c

    Evaluation - this week awful recipe. Low protein and all celery

    Suggestion - double the chicken and half the celery, at least

M3: supposed to be 350c of deli meat and cottage cheese, extra chicken, roasted pepper/onion/potato

blended in with a snack that's supposed to be fruit and cocoa-fiber mix

Actual last few days is 546+451 dinner and snack, 612 +355, 700+163........

Meaning the 1300 goal is blown away into 15, 16, 17, 

So it's not working. 
Oh, and I wanted to review all the help I HAVE tried to get with failure: Jennifer McDaniel, noon, losit, CoachP, Whole30, BLE, and two other cardiology nutritionists, etc, 

I need to work. I need to change. 

I'm setting myself up to fail with that structure. Start with that. Now get back to work. Ugh.