199 - how was 200s M3?

RUN 2.55 miles in 31 mins, I meant to walk more and had the dog. 38 mins total time, 24 mins running

I ran short on time (no pun intended) this morning wanting to spend time with LA before he leaves next week for MO. The dog joined for the first part, which was a bed of distraction. My red headphones disconnected from the phone, the phone didn't stay in my yoga pants pockets, I was wearing a hoodie that was overdressed, and the dog was pulling. Stop by the house, fix much of that, back out. 

How was M3 yesterday? SAME. Home tired to Moria chicken chicken mayo, then salsa, oat paste, grapes and more grapes, applesauce, mustard mayo and aminos. I thought I was behind the 12, I ended after the 16. 

FUCK

Today I have my 5 things for me and 5 things for work. So far 3pm I'm good on 1 for work and 2 for me. GO!!!

200

STRENGTH 30 mins of total with my new dumbbell set!

Today, no more excuses. And - NO- not the bee necklace nor gray bracelets nor the thumb ring have SHIT to do with this. It's on YOU. 

I think my lunch has gone over. Should I go to cafeteria or wait it out?

I have my list, I have tons of swirling thoughts. But simply my first goal is NOT FUCK UP M3 like I did last night (it was a "tomorrow" mental issue). 

200 days until I turn 50. 

200 days until under 1200, and to do so I need to get under/at 1200. 

And no dried oatmeal paste shit will get you there. 

Finished Sherlock Holmes book Sunday. Finished the Hamlet summary yesterday (yawn). Also finished Wind in the Willows yesterday (Monday). Started Les Misérables right after WitW, and the first line of the Les Mis intro mentioned Mr Toad!! 
Now go update your book list. 
If I only do 10 pages a day of Les Mis, at ~1300 pages it will take 130 days. That's August 16th. Yikes, read more faster. 

201 days away

RUN 3 miles in 32 mins, 2 mins were walking

Last weeks runs were 34 mins, 4 of which were walking. Over the past weekend, I drove to IL and back with ZERO done Sat and Sun. Family time vs a walk...easy choice this weekend. 

I'm unhappy with many things, most unhappy with what feels like lack of fitness improvement (nothing changes if nothing changes) and what is certainly weight gain (not hormones, not anything else). I keep saying I'll change, but nothing changes. Meal plans, training plans, habit tracking. I'm not doing any art, no russian, I'm doing planning. Not action. Plans plans plans. Things I want to do, things I say I'll do, then things I don't do. 

50th birthday is 201 days away. I WasGonna start today, but no it's tomorrow because that's what I do - plan to change, not actually change. 

What has changed? Aldi shopping yesterday was a win - no PB or CrmCheese. I did go for my run this morning. I did buy the dumbell set from Target after months of looking at it. 

Tomorrow - have a set GOAL. Well I do have a goal - under 1200 in two ways. But I need a way to get there, and that's where I stick. 

50K for 50th bday

I have so much to say, but no desire to say it. I'm in delusion about the "changes" I make. Delusion about how much of this and that. Obsessed with plans and numbers. 

But when it comes to actually fixing M3 and habits, well, it's more delusion I guess. Things just ain't changing. 

My mind looks for ways out. Last night it was our anniversary, and so extra dry oats. My belly is big because something else is "wrong" and it's terrible. I ran, so it's OK. I need to talk to Coach P again. All this shit, but NO CHANGE to what really NEEDS TO CHANGE. 

I come home tired, mind wiped, hungry, and fall into old habits. It's that simple. 

I found two races right around my bday, and will do one or both. If Slava and/or LA want to do the backyard ultra the week prior, that might be my race. Stupidly, my run the other day had visions of me running 50 miles. Visions of explaining my SCAD and injuries to people. My mind is stuck. 

So much to say, but this isn't in what I need to say. It's in what I need to DO. 

Keep finding Parts

And some of them are vocal but not identified. I fail to clearly visualize the Parts, do I need to? That Future Me that I'm supposed to clearly see - what if I can't? I see everything but the face. 

Bad days the last few weeks, rushed and stressed. Well the days are good but the nutrition, exercise, relaxation aren't. I haven't painted or stained glassed in ...weeks? Maybe next week at the end of spring break. 

I'm feeling and seeing the effects of this. Clothes aren't fitting like they used to! I don't feel energetic or strong. Each day I get through it doing what I can. But at the end of the day, it's fatigue and regrets. 

M3 is a particular problem, as in like, Really A Problem. Yesterday was the first day in ...? that I've been able to NOT fall into Moria, NOT go to bed feeling sick, and NOT regretting it all. Keep that up!

CEO of StagNation: Protectors and Exiles

From a Hubermann podcast, a totally new approach for me of identifying and working on issues. I'll need more time for this later. For now, I'll start by saying that one of the Parts, not sure who, called me the CEO of Stagnation and asked who put me in charge. 

What is the opposite of stagnation? Sidetrack. Amelioration? Is this AmeliaNation? ha. 

So who said that? A louder Part, a vocal one, the one that been doing most of the complaining. 
Amelia. Another sidetrack. 

This louder voice and I need to work together. As the leader (seemingly) of the other parts, talk and work this out. 

I'm listening to the audio book, not entirely focused on it. But what change could I do right now, today? 

Yesterday's CEO comment from... the Vocal One. This is the one that yells and cusses and demeans me. Where did that one come from? I can "see" many other parts, this one seems to speak for multiple? For the Azog, Moria, Blerch bandwagon. When I'm wrong, lazy, off-track. 

Where do I feel it? 

JBP: the aim is possessed by the substance of addiction

AH...He's been sober more than four years now he got out of there and never looked back and I wonder now, whether something something must've changed in his brain by adopting what it was essentially a different structure structure, but wasn't doing it before extreme consequences were on the table at that time When he went in weren't enough something about going there and the work that he did there allowed him to then it's almost like he got another prefrontal cortex. 

JBP...well that's not a bad way of thinking about - that people are trying to do when they Pray. So you can invite in spirits to possess you. That's a good way of thinking about it. I know that's odd terminology but that's what you do when you dwell on your rage right? Imagine that you're doing that in the most positive possible direction, so what you're doing is your generating a hypothesis about the motive conduct and perception that would best help you if you were ideal, and then establishing a relationship with that, and inviting it in that's what the evangelical protestants are doing when they formulate a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. That's exactly what they're doing. 

... This is another insistence that's derived from the religious literature, so, because the idea is that if your aim is the pathway forward to that will make self-manifest, and that's true. You could think of our perceptual systems and our emotional system as navigating tools, right? So now the addiction, the addicted brain, see the aim is possessed by the substance of addiction, right so now the highest God is cocaine so now all pathways in the world, our pathway to cocaine all objects in the world are markers on the pathway to cocaine cause it just dominates, but it's not it's not just an impulse it dominates the perceptual landscape as well. Well that makes the emotional landscape and it comes with all these rationalizations that's all those lies. Right,the whole thing,whole personality, brutal, brutal.