Happy Birthday Bee!! Slayer of Balrogs and Monsters, Mediator of Change, and Queen in her own right

Happy Birthday to me!! It's the annual birthday post.

Welcome to 48 years. Recently I re-read the 47th year post and was dismayed to find that I'm talking about the exact same things in my head still, one year later. 

Match Day is 142 days away.
Azuc is 22 days gone.
Monster is 411 days gone. 
Move in Day was 1423 days ago.
and Balrog has been Dead for 1609 days.

Well, I couldn't say all that a year ago! I'm still battling M3 issues, still occasionally having azuc issues (as evidenced by the only 22 days number), and still thinking way too  much about it all.

Gramma is probably going to pass away this week, LA leaves for a week in MO this Friday. 

I'm right at around 100 books read/finished so far this year. We have a dog, one week as of today! She's already learned lay down, bang, and nose-bump a post-it (clicker training). 

I tried Noom in late May, after having been offered a $3000 (!!) 6-month training opportunity that I turned down (no regrets doing that at all). I realized, that $3000 could buy a lot of Noom, MFP, gym apps, and more - but since then I've seen a 5-pound loss that seems like so little. Especially after that point in early April, while on a DTE trail run with LA, that 5 pounds a month this summer would get me close to goal, and now since that point I've lost 7-9 pounds, depending on the day, and there I've stalled. I need to make changes. 

So to that goal, I've started (as of Saturday Sunday Monday) another meal plan to help get normalized. I've thrown away the last of the rice cakes. We've stopped eating dairy and mammalian meat (to both our benefit). The past few weeks I've been eating way too many rice cakes, and apples and hummus, and sometimes only 6 egg whites a day for protein. My arthritis flares up (I think that's what's happening, but it's also related to travel), my energy is terrible, my motivation is fucking zero. So, a change. Follow this plan for now to boost variety, protein, and mindfulness about what I'm choosing. 

Also to that goal. I need to sit and eat without the fucking phone. Jeezus, just do this. Jeezus, just try. Please do this for us. 

I'm barely biking and running, less than barely going to the gym and never swimming.
Surgery for the gall bladder is on hold, waiting.
LA has his first residency interview Right Now! With U Mich. 
We move next May.
Court is delayed from September April September December ????? and I don't know if we'll ever get there. 
My left hip and right ankle occasionally flare up, and for the past few months my right wrist seems to have a nerve injury.
I get to paint most days, no, it goes in spurts. Lately not much at all, two weeks ago it was every day. 
Stained glass  - not since April or May. 

As for what's in my head, I've been able to draw together a MBP to build on, the outcome and goals of which are geared towards getting me to where I like and maybe even love what I see when I look in the mirror and when I get inside my head. The negativity. The sense of failure. The feeling of being lost from the person I used to love. 

When I write this next year, I'll be in a new place maybe! Hopefully, new location, new goals, new lower weight, and new head space. 

Lady Sybil Axenova, First of Her Name. A Clown With A Crown.

We expect to get a dog today!

I say "expect" because lots of things we've been expecting lately aren't going as expected. Surgery. December court date. Things keep changing.

But if all goes well, tonight we sleep again with a fuzzy-butt snore machine in the room. 

What else do I expect? No, what do I want?

I want that this dog doesn't see Moria. Ever. 
I want that this dog comes first. Before Moria. 
I want that this dog can get me out before Moria. 

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This morning, after I explained my completely off mood, LA said that I should pick something I can feel in control of and control that. That way, there's something I feel I have control over. 

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My gut. Dear Jeezus what do I need to do now? Since last, checking, Oct 5 or 6th, hasn't been normal. The travel is like a pause button on my gut. I get stopped up. I sometimes use the magnesium to help it along. But since that Columbus Day weekend I'm a mess. Even before that, really, Since months ago.

Bloated in the evening, full of pain and gas. FODMAPs? What are my current FODMAPs? What has changed?
I'm eating apples, hummus, and new to me a mix of chia/flax seeds. This is all mostly OK for fodmaps, apples and hummus I'm really limiting and still having issues. Too much magnesium? Likely the last week. Too little fiber? I'm out for the past week. 

Oh - rice cakes and fake butter!? Hmmm, lots of those lately...

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Pick something I feel I can control of: The stupid shit I put in my mouth to make myself feel like shit. 

Surgery rescheduled

So much planning and calendaring and planning and re-doing and sacrificing and planning went into this. And we find out after 5 hours of waiting....rescheduled.

I'd put so much............??..... emphasis, importance, relevance into this. Metamorphosis. And now to have it change, it's just. All I have are more of ......... to say about it. 

So I came home. To "Moria" of the same. Ugh. 

151 days, 2 weeks, 400 days, 1400 days, 1600 days

I've killed a Balrog and a Monster. You are so outclassed it's not even funny. 

Week before surgery - list of symptoms

Monday was Columbus Day holiday travel
Tuesday was gut upset and recovery, COMMUTE 3.6 miles
Wednesday still gut upset and more symptoms
Thursday same with less gut pain  left work early

Wednesday, I don't even feel like biking or even like walking. WTF. My gut is cramped, moving my abdominal muscles causes a pain in the lower center abdomen. My right surgerized ankle has decreased ROM and hurts on the front again. My left hip hurts after sitting and I have a mild limp. And the nerve? pain in my right hand is definitely getting worse. 

LA says it's the ulnar nerve, I agree but think more specifically it's the dorsal branch up in the wrist. It started in mid August during a bike ride (or at least, that's when I first noticed it) when I thought my RoadID was on too tight and had irritated something. Now, it's persistently hurting/burning/aching/something whenever I wrap my fingers around something to pull it, or push on those fingers in the wrong way. Think - pushing the button on the hatch lift of the car, lifting my little vacuum out of the charging dock, rolling my hand under and inward to hold something. It's getting worse. Ugh. 

And. Nothing Changes if Nothing Changes. So today I need to change something, 800 style. I've done this before, 2017?

ETA my 800 became almost 1300, try and try again. How can someone with so much gut pain want to eat? I realized too that this is how my gut hurts when I eat corn, but when did I eat corn? Really?, When?

Thursday I woke up swollen, a few pounds heavier, headache, fingers and arms and face and body swelled up, less gut pain and GI symptoms, but still pained ankle and hip, pained elbow (I wore the elbow brace overnight), face feels lumpy and swollen and twitch. I'm sluggish mentally and physically. I walk slowly and no way can I bike or drive. I can mostly function at work, but I don't know  how long I'll last here today.

Thursday I did leave early and we snuck of to Illinois  Friday a raining morning visit then we snuck off to St Robert  

Over the weekend, I had bad dreams about lev driving our car and we drove into a river and washed away. The next morning, I was 100% ready to cancel surgery if he didn’t cancel his appointment In Detroit that coincided with my surgery time  

Over the weekend I also struggled with having my own space, my own wants and needs, and my own choices  I felt like I was giving that all away to everyone else  

And hotel SA telling me 1288 then 1260 and it’s a lie that hurts in a way. I certainly don’t feel that. Lies. And I can’t even look at myself  

165 days. 1400 days. Almost 400 and 1600. Almost 1290?

Monday - RUN 2 miles with LA, no commute
Tuesday - I walked in the morning, COMMUTE 7.2 miles
Wednesday - nothing! (yet)
Thursday - RUN 3 miles with LA, no commute
Friday - RUN 2 miles with LA, no commute and travel to Chenoa
Saturday Chicago, Sunday rest, Monday home! then back to AA

Monday - WasGonna IF to noon, made it to 10. Not H, either. Today is pre-op eval. Today is 10-2, 8 years since I moved into Wyoming house. 1400 since LA. Almost 400 from M. Almost 1600 from B. But what about the goal right in front of me - 1290?!

Tuesday - The plan was garage HIIT and a walk. I got the walk in before work. I've developed a habit of getting baking cocoa, pumpkin, hummus, FB and taking it down to get Azuc from the basement. A HABIT?! Bad. But I did do a 9-10 min body scan meditation as soon as I got home yesterday. It didn't change much otherwise, I still manged and azuc'd. But, it's day 1. 

Wednesday - another habit - having RC before I leave for the day. Then naturally I want RC when I'm home for the day. More is more. And nothing changes if nothing changes. Body scan meditation once home, waited for M3, did a great cookup. Was bloated and pained, but ate anyway?! I'm eating unmej hummus and FB again. STOP.

Not much to add here on Tuesday after the long weekend, except to say that 2 weekends in a row at home is AWESOME. And my poor gut, slowed to a stop until...helped along.... and this morning. Ugh. But happily 1314. And I ended Noom this time for good, I'd tried to finish the course but no, there's nothing to finish. 

25 x 25 x 25

Monday - RUN 4 miles, COMMUTE 7.2 miles
Tuesday - ELLIPTICAL 20 mins, STRENGTH push 20 minutes
Wednesday - RUN 3 miles, no commute for rain
Thursday - plans changed due to rain and appointments
Friday - RUN 3 miles with walking, rain, travel plans, no commute
Saturday and Sunday - at home. Nothing!! Full moon. 

Monday - LA is out of town, for the eval in MO, and I'm on my own. I'm changing my schedule to now do HIIT/strength/gym on Tu/Th, and run M/W/F. Last week I lamented that I couldn't "get past" 2 miles running. Then today I do 4! Yay! But what was the hold up? 

Why do I want this? Why do I sometimes think about "staying here" but then realize that is quitting? And I decide to keep going, yet then I decide to FUCK THINGS UP?

Monday night - GOOD home to moria, I'd planned to avoid RC but I had some anyway and made swaps to make it work. I didn't want to leave moria! I kept bouncing until I did my stretches and phone call. Out at 1838!

Tuesday - I went to the gym! Even though I had lots of guilt about LA just being home overnight, he had an appointment at 7-8 and I figured I'd go to the gym then. Then we had time afterwards before I left for work, and fixed my guilt. I went to the gym!!!!

Tuesday night - plan - STICK TO IT. I Stuck it!! My treat was extra rice cake with FB. Under 13

Wednesday -  morning run ahead of a predicted rainy day. I ate my RC before leaving, 9am, I'm distracted because my left eye feels like there's something in in (since biking home yesterday) and my tummy growling and I just needed..... a rice cake?! No, 3 of them. That's it and the snack! This doesn't mean the rest of the day is thrown off, I can still WAIT until H again. I'm soooo tempted to have eggs now. WAIT. 

Wednesday night - I kinda waited. I was hungry, so I ate, then from 12-7pm I was ok. Huh, just go with it sometimes. But last night after aldi they had pumpkin! And we bought grain free chips, and I went off the plan, to detriment, I didn't preplan the swaps and I thought all was equal until I looked and it wasn't. Ugh. But not bad. but ugh. 

Thursday - The plan was to go to the gym, elliptical and strength, then commute. But rain all night and all day. And LA wanted time with me, so I changed so that we could spend the morning together and get a ride as he went to his 8am appointment. In the end, we are happier, I'm dry, but I missed my workout. I'll need to walk or something today to get my 10K. In the rain?!

Thursday night - What a day. Again, what a day. We talked to Kayla about evals, holy shit. We potentially found a dog. We came home in a frenzy of thought. Lev and I did sit down to eat, I had my salad, but I omitted the meat and thought "i'll eat hummus and pumpkin and etc instead". This worked but didn't work - I need to stick to plan because the swaps don't work. Then I did my cookup as planned - oatmeal and eggs and salad, but the Azuc WAS NOT planned and that came up with the oats to cook, and I ended up eating azuc/FB/oats. AGAIN. Not much. Not sick. But again. THEN, after 9pm, I started eating the grain free chips and dates! WTF. I realized what's happening, threw away the rest of the chips. 

Friday -  we're still in a thought frenzy. We ran, then I was Hungry and I ate my RC early. Just two. And I swapped the avo for FB. Why?! The avo is better!!  Off to work, still a mental frenzy. Iowa interview, dog Nova, and coparenting.