4 miles, commute, new garmin for LA!

RUN 4.5 miles with LA, 55 mins

COMMUTE 7.5 miles

LA got his new garmin and we ran 4.44 miles in 55:55 minutes. If the pace would have been one second less, it would have been at 12:34 m/m. Cool!

He lamented his slow pace, saying that the Ranger Standard is 5 miles in 40 minutes. I reminded myself that the St Patricks Day 5 miler in STL was 2008, and I can't compare myself to that now.

He asked if I was going to run a marathon, I said I'm not mentally ready yet. He asked about a half marathon, I have the same answer. I mentioned the Dexter to AA on June 5th, but work and kids make it a wild card. We'll have to see. And I mentioned Hennepin, the 50K option and he said he'd walk it with me. Like in the old days, haha.

Last night I tried to say that dinner was going to be after phone call, but then I made an exception for vegetables. Then I ate too many veg, too much water, and too much salmon. The rest of the evening, during our long rambling walk and into bed, my stomach was bloated and stuffed. I woke up this morning to a T=5.5-6. 

After salmon, M came for the nuts and butter. They gone. When is he gone? 

You Lie
Cheat and steal!
How can I tolerate you?
You lie
Cheat and steal!
You lie
Cheat and steal!
You lie
Cheat and steal!
I cannot tolerate
Our guilt
Our blame
I've been
Far too sympathetic

Two miles and a commute, and later a monster

RUN 2 miles in 22 mins with LA
COMMUTE 7-something-ish, I think 7.6 miles

A few things in my head. This morning was great - we got up and moved at 6am, had our time together then a run shower out the door and I had from 8:06 to 8:30 to get ahead on chores. NICE! 

I found a 24 week triathlon training plan and discovered that if I started on the day I found it, I would end on my birthday! But I haven't been able to really start it yet. Excuses.

I sent an update to Coach Patrick yesterday, an extremely shortened version, and I might post one or both of the versions here. It's very personal, not meant for other eyes. But who else is ever going to read this? 

Last night and the night before and before M was here. I let him in and he was in my head and my actions. I hate him. Stop This Shit, as I've heard, but I hear it but I don't listen. I hear it, it bangs around in my head. My hands shake and my shoulders are so tensed. My heart races. I'm losing all around. Pecans. Beef Brisket. Butter. 

Well, not in that one important way. And that hurts too.

Why is this such a struggle. Why can't I cross the river. 

I'm making it a struggle. I'm living on the struggle, and there's more to this that I'm unable to remember how to say but the struggle is my addiction or something like that. But it doesn't have to be!

What goes wrong each night, let's start there. I come home on the bike, and think that I have only until 8pm to eat dinner. Self imposed rule. I rush-rush-rush to make dinner pack lunch rush pack rush cook eat while I can rush mindless anxiety and phone call and I try to eat and rush in the phone call and I don't remember and the call is over and rush and tense and racing. 

Yikes. OK, I had an idea last night. Let's get this fixed. Take the steps needed to fix this. 

Home. Unpack, glass of water. (This I succeeded last night)
Change clothes and wash face (failed last night)
Do a chore, walk the dog, find quiet. 
Phone call. Not dinner or rush. Maybe pack during phone call, but no eating.
Phone call ends 745ish. Now have dinner, when it's quiet. It's still 8pm, a few minutes after is OK.
Then go for a walk and be done. 

Benefits?
I'd get to eat with LA, who tends to eat after the call; I'd remember what I ate; It would be one meal instead of the often-two.

Cons?
The lonely racing quick-beating stress will be there; Can I wait? Or will I mentally miss out on the call.
.....Um, everyone else waits. No one is dying for waiting. 

Now the way to help this along for myself:
-PrePacked dinners so I don't have to cook each night. That's not working so far this week, and it won't work great next week, owing to being away over the weekends
-Eating lunch later so I'm not a Marvin when I get home. That's part of the anxiety. But lately I'm eating at 10-11 am and yuppers I'm a Marvin all fucking day. Ugh. 

OK take these steps. 

M came back last night

RUN 2 miles with LA,  21 or so minutes 
COMMUTE 7.6 miles on the longer route

GORGEOUS DAY, shorts and t-shirts.

I sent my update to Coach Patrick today, a much-shortened version that my original that I'm still hiding in my Drafts folder. I don't expect much from a reply. 

Last night after phone call M was here, ugh, even if a few nibs, and the Wt is reflecting it back to 1334. I want to change! I'm not willing to accept this. 

So I threw out the initiator chocolate this morning. 

How's it going to feel, when you don't know me anymore? 

Weekend at home, without stress of "having to run"

Saturday RUN 2 miles with LA

We ran to the tree and back. And most of the way, I'm thinking how nice it was to not have the pressure of "having" to do a long run this weekend. Am I that burned out?

I downloaded an easy triathlon plan last week. I'm looking for a well-rounded strength training plan to alternate with the Coach plan. I'm looking at being more well-rounded overall.

Still some stresses in life - this summer, PB craves over the weekend, so minor!

More mindlessness, then more mindfulness. A cycle

Wednesday BIKE! 30 mins on Bird
     COMMUTE 7 miles
Thursday RUN 3 miles in just under 30 mins
     STRENGTH 16 mins with increased weights
     COMMUTE 7 miles

I'm noticing a pattern, that I'm in a hurry and anxious when I get home. And now that we have phone call every night, it's an every night thing. Tuesday night we stopped at the Russian store and got smoked salmon. I mindlessly ate a bunch, and ended up overeating it. He also got walnuts, and I mindlessly ate on those with some M and butter. Ugh. 

Last night I waited to eat then hurried into it because the phone call was coming up, then during phone call instead of paying attention to either the food or the call I ended up bouncing back and forth, pulling veggies from future meals, rearranging the plans, all because I had to compensate the CO from yesterday. Then in a fit of "you did so good!" I started on cho, and now cho is gone and garbaged, and again I have an overage. Cho was banned, so was salmon and beef and nuts. Issues with those right now. 

So yesterday's goals of 30' of some cardio, IF to noon, and banned was only 1 out of 3.
Today's goals were run to gym, IF to noon, and same banned list. So far - 2 out of 3!

When I get home, I need to calm the fuck down about meals and calls. One or the other? Separate them. Stick to plan, really, stop the compensations and CO and wondering. Stick to the plan. Today's plan: veggies with peanut chicken and a salad.

The gym was great, I'm increasing weights on most all exercises, and I'd like to have another routine to alternate in. The run was OK, but flat energy. How did I make myself run any further in previous weeks? 

I'm drafting a long email that was originally to Coach P but now it's more like a letter for me. Not to me - that one arrived in the mail yesterday - but for me to read and contemplate. 

Mindless M3 last night

RUN 4 miles in just a squeak under 40 mins
COMMUTE 7.6!

To my surprise, my "shorter Liberty" route to work is LONGER than the Pauline route?! Liberty is 7.6 and  Pauline is 7.25? I keep double checking, and yup, what I thought was a shorter route is in fact a bit longer. And it's a pure 7 if I ride further north to Liberty off Maple. Well huh.

Yesterday was great, but I fucked up after M3. I was anxious about the 7pm and in a hurry. So I lingered "doing dishes" and eating brisket. Then chocolate. And M was knocking again and jeezus fuck he's persistent. Yesterday was 50 days, and still I can't cross that humbling river? Well I did, just slowly. Then I was "done" at 7pm, then came back to be "done" again at 8pm. More beef. Why beef? Why not some warmed up veg? 

This morning I was persistent myself about getting my run finished. Target and back. I had lab meeting, and after being late for a meeting yesterday I was dead-set on not being late today too. I made it. And realized that tomorrow I could bike for a workout, instead of running 6 miles? Today the 4 felt good, no after effects, but it was sluggish and much slower than I thought. When 10 minute miles feels like it did today, I need more base work.

Goals tonight: No dairy, chocolate, or beef. Just get on track. So far the run and IF are done. 

May is the time for a Mindful Bee

RUN None, I skipped my planned 16 miler this past weekend

Monday: COMMUTE on Liberty route, ELLIPTICAL 20 mins, and STRENGTH 15-20 mins

I wrote a letter to myself yesterday, as suggested by a therapist (not mine) as a way to let go of the longing to be your former past self. Say goodbye in a letter, and let it go. Well, it was more complex than that, than "write a letter", but you get the idea. 

I had a hard time writing it. And about 10 pages later, I still didn't come to the answers I'd hoped to find. I wrote it yesterday while at home, after doing a full-on meal prep and waiting for someone to buy the couch and waiting for the smoker to finish the meat. 

My "run early" turned into a wait, and when I wait - I delay. I wanted to do a fast - didn't. I ended up feeling nauseated and "hungry" at 8 or 9 am, and thought if I just ate a little I'd feel better. Do I just image all those feelings, as a trick to eat and not delay?

Then after eating beef and chicken and peanut butter, I decided to start the cook up since I had to wait for the smoker to finish the meat. LA suggested another hour or two to finish it, but no it took longer and I got the impression that I shouldn't just leave it for hours while I run. So I waited. 

Take note, as I just did, that I delay on somethings and wait on others. Pattern?

Then I was hovering over my phone because a neighbor was supposed to pick up the couch, another a drill, and we're waiting to hear back on some bookshelves. So slow, no answers, yet I hovered and waited.  

So I cooked. And kept munching, and every bite of PB I knew it "wouldn't set well to run with this", and I told myself that "I'll stop eating now and run at noon, because it's only 10am now". 

Then couch guy wants to come at 1pm. He doesn't. He's coming at 3pm. There's some stress for me, because there's two neighbors trying to come at 3pm. I wait. I finish the cook up and clean up. I clean the garage. By this point, I realize I'm not going to run. 

And it's like a weight is lifted. 

I'm not going to run. And the weight is lifted.

So I have to step back here and wonder why that is. I'll get back to that. For now, the letter. I was planning on saying goodbye to IronBee me and saying "hey it was great but I gotta move on" when I realized I wasn't ready to move on. The summary of the letter was "I miss you" and "we still have a (M)utal friend in common and I don't know who I am right now".

I tried to work it out - who am I? I'm not IronBee, or BreakawayBee, or BornAgainBee. BadAssBee? It didn't fit. LA suggested QueenBee, but that doesn't fit right now either. 

Almost 10 pages - and while thinking about what would make me happy (couldn't think of anything) and what do I want (I dunno) and what do I want to become (don't know that either) I came up with the idea that I needed small challenges to work on. Not 0 to 100 miles, not an overhaul of who I am. But rather, like the ring the IronBee used to wear that said "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step", I needed to find that single step. 

And I realized - I'm not mindful. I'm stuck in the past. I'm anxious about the future. LA has noticed this, and it even came up Saturday in a mini-fight I started over the Brazilian drink outcome. 

So, I proposed: Mindful Bee. Moving from Mindfull to Mindful, like in the dog cartoon. And I picked 5 M things to get mindful about:
1. Mornings - get up, hit the goals, see some sunshine. Don't lose this golden time
2. Meetings - quit multitasking when other people talk to you and listen
3. Meals - put down the phone and pay attention, stop the distraction
4. Monster - jeezus it's almost 50 days and he's knocking on the door again
5. Moria - just get the fuck out of there

It's easier to remember that way, with M names. So that's my goal for May: Get Mindful. This idea crossed my mind a few weeks ago, and it circled back, and I took it.