Tuesday - nothing again, chest so swollen I don't even want to walk again (for days now)
Wednesday -
Monday Dropping kids off at 1pm loses us two hours with them, but gains us time to sleep and have a better Monday. What a trade off. I can't help but look forward to moving (please God let us move) and being home so much earlier. I don't have lunches and dinners packed yet for the week, but I have it planned. So today is random packed lunch. Dinner, hopefully I can I will pull something together. Feeling clear headed, seeing progress since last week? This BLE Day 1 thing, I really gotta figure it out. I keep thinking, I blew up Day 1 today and tomorrow can be a Day 1. But, I think I'm doing better than that? Yesterday I graded as a Blue Day! Blue is Good!
I like the BLE, I like that it's so simple, this and not that, this much of this, and this much here and not there. It appeals to my rulesy way of thinking.
Plan for tonight - since I won't have much cooking done at all: Normandy vegetables, a potato, and a PROTEIN______? ETA Turkey, extra potato, extra fish, extra grapes, extra blueberries, extra strawberries, extra few chashews. THen think I'm doing great when I say no to fresh turkey.
Tuesday Woke up to 138 and feeling so ... fail. awful. fat. heavy. wasted. lost. depressed. Then LA is upset with too many of my decisions to to numerate here, from the $100K for the down payment to my lack of goals and his lack of trust in me as someone who doesn't have goals and my "coosh" job and how I could be making more money. So I feel... fail. awful. i could cry. wasted. heavy fat lost depressed.
ETA another mess. Ok, but a random mess.
Wednesday Woke up to 138 again, post! Day 1 BLE. Again. ETA - I did OK until I got home. I did 1030-745 too! I checked my HJ - they don't fit at all.
Thursday 137.8, pre. another 10-8 day OK, but AGAIN like an extra meal when I walk in the door - MINTUES FROM A DENTAL - I have to stop and eat. Then I come and WITH A NUMB MOUTH I insist on eating. FUCKING HELL. I took pictures this morning. Before.
Friday 138 again, it would be nice to see it improve. Wait, they say, have faith. Well anyway yesterday I got into BuJo for BLE and thinking "I need a notebook" and fucking hell I HAVE MORE NOTEBOOKS, I ALREADY HAVE NOTEBOOKS. I'm coming off of caffeine too - I stopped doing my halfnhalf coffee this week and just decaf. Occasional caffeine will be OK in tea and travel. My chest is still swollen and pained. My legs swelled up but I wore the socks yesterday and look better today. See if they go back to swollen. Good to know, it's not just FAT on my legs. Just anyway.
I'm meal planning. I do more planning than doing. But this next week I'm detailing better breakfasts, planning to move fruit if it helps, and detailing bigger dinners. WITHOUT post M3 noms.
Weekend Lev was gone for the weekend, and I stuck the landing, motived all the more by 1400 at morning. Seriously? Then Sunday 1372. Then monday 1362. Full circle. I did great, slipped in the cookup, but great.
Chronicles of Narnia on Sunday, be seated in Cair Paravel!
Harsh email from boss on Saturday, and read about hi-functioning depression.
Get it together. Now.
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