The Monster and The Magnets

Yesterday was the brain MRI. I don't have results yet. This isn't about the results.

I'm not claustrophobic, so I actually enjoyed the time in the machine. I was even disappointed that it lasted only 30 minutes. I had the idea that it would be an hour or more. 

To be put in a white glowing tub, head nestled into a cage that included a plastic face mask and ear phones, a warm blanket. No distractions. Just me, Monster, and Magnets.

Monster comes into the story because just an hour prior he came to the house and I let him in. A sort of WTH moment, a last hurray, a moment of weakness. I came to the MRI with chest pressure and headache and dizziness. Stress. Azuc. And Monster. 

During the MRI, images played in my head. Years ago, today, last year, yesterday. 

A memory would start, the magnets would bang.

A vision would start, the vibrations would disrupt it.

A scanning buzzing would start, and wipe away the visuals.

It was like I couldn't think. 

The buzzing and humming and banging entered my head like a laser, cutting and removing and burning away parts of my brain. In my pseudo-hypnotic state, I could see the cutting that left holes in the brain. Like JBP would say, burning away 95% of thoughts that weren't me and leave that 5% of a husk behind, like a Phoenix burning and resurrecting.

The noises were rhythmic, steady, repetitive. I wondered if there was a podcast or other playable that I could listen to to fall asleep.

Half way through the imaging, I received the dose of Galolinium contrast. I've read that it increases the speed at which protons realign with the magnetic field. Faster realignment means a brighter image. 

In my head, the contrast filled in the holes. Provided a structure to rebuild on. The holes where Monster was could be lined to recover and could be filled in with good thoughts. And I think at this point I might have fallen asleep or really did hypnotize myself. The images were blurry and random and written to the repetitive buzzing and humming all around me. 

Afterwards, my mind took hours to come back full. I skipped buying any more food for dinner. I skipped dinner. I skipped my evening walk. I went to be late, feeling numb and empty.