ISSUE #1. The neurological shit. The appointment last Friday got buried in the foot MRI and the dog's pneumonia. And I have to credit LA for keeping my calm or distracted and for just rolling through the day. I don't know how to interpret that. Is he not worried at all? Is he worried? Is he just going to wait like I am, for the results before worrying?
Left to my own devices, I wouldn't have attended this appointment. But then I wouldn't know about any of this. To me, this is good. But then I wouldn't know if there was a problem. Ah, that's still good.
The Dr said I was "slow" in the "open and close your hand fast as possible" test. Subjective. He said I should have felt the tuning fork think for 25 seconds but I only felt it 10 or 16 seconds. Well now that I know the answer, let me try again. Then the facial changes - to me I ignore it all - but they're there. They are much better than even a few weeks ago - that's an honest assessment.
I've been feeling tired, weak, uncoordinated. I'm less willing to bike and run. It's like I want to run, but I don't want to for some reason. The Dr noted this as a "soft symptom" too. So the plan: I get an MRI on Monday the 10th, a detailed one to look for changes or lesions. After that, and depending on what that shows, then we go forward with more testing. He's wondering if it's something genetic, something slow to appear, something maybe related to what mom shows sometimes.
In the meantime, now I doubt fucking everything. I don't think clearly, is that a symptom? I feel wobbly, is that the ankle or something else? I'm tired and I don't feel strong, and things that used to be easy for me are suddenly too much to do. I've been blaming stress (the move, the new job, the disrupted schedule) for how I've been feeling. Denial.
ISSUE #2. The M shit. M is not moving to Michigan. I need to lose St Louis, I need to lose the damage and the gains and the habit and the thinking and the tendency and the coping. M is not moving to Soulard either. I feel the pinch of time getting small.
ISSUE 3#. The lack of change shit. I set a bunch of goals for this year and this spring, purple and yellow, simple goals. But I'm falling short. (Is that another symptom?). I make some gains then lose the gains. I feel like I'm living the same days over and over yet time is so short. These are coping skills, and I'm not coping. It's so much yellow.
On the plus side, I've quit dairy again (I was exposed to dairy in the kids visit over Easter. I say that passively, I mean that I ate dairy and sugar and junk food!) and I'm feeling better. The vague symptoms I get (swelling, itchy skin, gut upset) that I attribute to dairy are gone. So that's good.
I'm doing IF again, and it helps my gut. Lately I feel worse after eating, it's less likely what I'm eating more likely how I'm eating. Random. Standing at a counter. Hurried. Whatever I grab. Whatever is easy. Bad habits I want to get rid of.
I'm having trouble typing lately. Is it a lack of focus? A symptom? Ugh.
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