A half century and a reunion - Start now!

I'm 267 days or 38 weeks from my 50th birthday.
I'm 214 days or 30 weeks from the start of September. 

It seems like a joke, but don't they say that reunions and big life events are the common impetuses for people to get on track and finally "lose the weight". 

I tried...what did I try, I got distracted...

I tried to find meal plan apps. Found a scam 'menopausal meal plan/health' app. 
Found Noom. 

In other words, I didn't find the answer I'm looking. 
I listened, purely by coincidence, to the U2 song yesterday about that. Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For. The first IM Songlist addition for 2025?

What am I looking for? 

In the meantime, recipes with few ingredient books from the library, an agreement with LA that we do need to sit down for meals, so changes ahead. 

I'll start today. No, I'll start today. Eh, maybe today.

The 29th was the Lunar New Year and a New Moon. I'll start then. 

The 30th was a travel day, I usually follow better those days. I'll start then. 
The 31st is a post travel day, LA's bday, but a hotel day. Start then?
Then it's the 1st! First! Start then? 

A few days ago, I realize I've already started. Weeks ago, and the process is ongoing. 
So what am I wanting to start? 

Some things changed...

... but as expected somethings didn't change. Like, you know, The Issue. 

I'm working out maybe 30-45 mins a day, I miss it! At the end of the day though, I wonder how did I fit that in?! The last 1.5 weeks have been hard, we're under a lot of stress. 

We're out of town this weekend, the second in a row with travel. Then a break. Then two more weeks. 
We can do this. One day at a time. 

I make the mistake of thinking that Things Will Change. Life will get easier. More time will appear. But day after day, the same thing. Tired, out of time. The day runs short. So do tempers. So does free time. 

Painting? Not in the last few days? Why not? Meal prep, long days, Moria.
Workouts? As I can, where did the time go?

So my goals for February include trying to find a way to batch jobs, meal plan, set aside time, etc. Maybe a bit more long-range than my usual plan today and maybe tomorrow? 

If I can plan to do 2 45 mins exercises a day, I can plan - firmly plan - to do other things? Like art? Husband time?

Seriously, where does the time go!?

Moria. Meal prep. 

75Hard is changing

 I'd like to have a 75Hard that focuses on what I need. I like the model, I have the app, I'm not ready (?) for a real one yet because I need to work on post_M lingering issues. 

45 mins workout                    45 mins as 15 art, 15 russian, 15 art throughout the day
45 mins workout outdoors     45 mins of quality workout, not just walking 
Progress picture                      1 line about progress that day in journal
10 pages of reading                Same
1 gallon of water                    Same
Follow a diet                          Follow BLE: 8-8, 3 meals, seated, one snack is OK
No cheat meals                       No stupid shit like mug meals, standing randoms, regrets, STUFFED &                                                 SICK, ETA no measuring spoon utentils

I kept the first 5 for 115-118 days before it fell apart. Numerous restarts, all on the last two. Those two are the ones I need to work on now. 

I struggled with those two before because they were (to me) open to bending and interpretation and change. Don't fall for that here too. 

BLE means NoS, NoF, 3 meals, measured. Simple as that. Plan ahead and stick to it.
No cheat meals means don't make yourself sick being so full of food and regret. Go to bed with Progress

Well I said things had to change...

... and they did. 

Yesterday I did 30 mins pilates and a 15 min lunch walk. That's it.

Today... nothing yet.

I don't mind that I'm missing 2x 45 mins. Or 1x 45 mins. But to get nothing...

Today another tough conversation as he suddenly is awake at 5am with me and I don't realize that's up for the purpose of sex. So I go about my morning, letting him sleep in. This caused issues. I hope the issues are resolved now. 

And I rushed out the door this morning after having made plans last night for him to WFH and we go in bit late. At 5am I asked what the morning plans were to confirm and he said "I don't know". Well, then at 7am it's a RUSH because he has to leave. I adjust and rush, and ask that'd he'd do the same for me. 

Solutions? Well for now, it's sex

 LA came back from Cape G last night in a mood, tired frustrated (with me), saying house is too big we don't need it; I need to find a different job that gives me holidays; he wants to retire tomorrow from everything, more. He comes home in this mood and isn't talking or wanting to interact. He goes to bed. 

I have more to do, clean up, pack, 20 mins left of a walk, dog, etc. I go to bed early too, being with him in bed is really what I want more of, so here's my chance. We end up in a conversation, needed, and hopefully helpful. Another conversation this morning, my notes will blend. He wants more sex. Everyday. He wants sex in the morning and in the evening and 2-3 times a day. It's evolutionary, men need sex every morning and some science experiment proved this, uh huh. And he'd be happier with just sex, something to fuck. 

He also said the happiest time in his life was when he was single and on the outer banks. I asked who he fucked, no one, but he was still happy? 
And lesbians have a higher divorce rate because it's two women, and women complicate things. Uh huh.

I said I wanted to be valued as more than "titties ass and pussy", more than just "how many holes do you have to fuck". Actual words he used. I want to feel  be trusted and valued and have my wants desired. He was argumentative on this, and he accuses me of being argumentative?

I'm sure he could write the exact same thing, that I was the argumentative one today. 

I doubt he'd write it. Women complicate things. I'm a woman, he's not. So he's not about to be so introspective about this. 

So this morning, as per his want, I cut short my 45 mins to 30 and came upstairs to get naked. 

As not per his want, I needed to talk. He argued with me. He just wants sex. More sex. 

Then he will be happy? Or is this just a stress response dopamine thing? I know about those, I went through that in 2019 - needing escape and relief. I say that Sex is better than Monster and Balrog!

So, reducing the morning workout to 30 mins to give extra 15 minutes to Us. 

A solution for today. And one day at a time. 

Solutions for problems. And another problem I forgot to mention in last post.

I realized this morning, reviewing my weekend, that I lost so much time to Moria. And Reddit. This weekend, my stress was in Moria, and Moria took hours from me. 

No, I GAVE my time to Moria, and that needs to stop. It's the last (?) of the Monster to kill. 

Gawd so much to think and think on. I could talk here all day. 

See I think I'm being flexible by sleeping in and waiting for everyone to wake up too, instead of saying "well it's X o'clock I'm going for a walk". I think I'm being flexible by waiting on what I want to do so I can work on clay or sewing or chat. I think I'm being flexible by helping them fix meals, letting them make a bit of mess knowing I'll have to clean it up. I think I'm being flexibly by taking time off from my schedule to help LA drive and visit. This is what I think.

LA thinks I'm inflexible and can't change and can't task-switch. All things he said this weekend. 

He also said last week he doesn't tell me things because he doesn't trust me (bank card). And something else I've already forgotten in the mess of the weekend. 

Problems. Solution? 

Moria - I want to do art and Russian and have more time, but my extra goes to Moria. I could have painted with Slava, but Moria. I could have brushed the dog, but Moria. I could have read a book, but Moria. Today - could have chatted with slava, but Moria. Really I do think too that fixing this would take so much stress off me that I could better accommodate all else. Think on this a lot today, please. 

My PTO and protected time - I feel like my time isn't respected. I don't see LA taking time off from work for what I want to do. I don't see him putting aside his gun time to help with chores. I don't see him blah blah blah. I don't see it, I don't look, and/or I don't recognize it? This doesn't help us!

I feel like he'll fuck around until I'm late. I need to be at work, and it's like a bother to him, like I'm not giving him enough time. (See Moria too for this). Going to visit family? He's in the bathroom and I'm waiting. Going to errands, same. Appointment, same. Going for a walk, same. Really, it's the waiting. And really more it's the waiting goes to Moria. 

This isn't a he problem. This is a me problem. Me and Moria.  

I want to have dinner together, but I give to Moria then we're both alone.
I wanted to chat this morning, but the stress of him doubting my PTO schedule (he didn't believe me and insisted on reading it for himself) sent me out to Moria to get away. 
I wanted to enjoy a meal with them this weekend, but Moria was already too much and ...Ugh. 

This is a Me problem, but it's impacting us. 

Does getting out of Moria solve everything else? Probably not, but at least my stress wouldn't already be tight and my schedule already tight and the anxiety about loss of time and loss of respect and loss of trust. Ugh, keep thinking.