Post travel update, schisms, lack of change

RUN!! 3 miles in about 33-35 mins
BIKE!! about 7 miles in about 27 mins (yesterday), my first in TN
RUN! about 2 miles with LA and AEA

That's at least one change I've made. 

Remember how when travel was supposed to be When? Then the full moon, that was When. The Eclipse. May 3rd. A haircut. A move. LA gone for 2 weeks. When. Then. Then Again. 

Retainers. Orthodontic. Other eclipse. Surgery. Other surgery. Monday. Yesterday. Today. 

All Whens that failed. Whens that lasted only the minimalist of time. And now here in TN - post travel, post full moon or new moon or whatever moon I pick - no change. 

Then this morning. I'm out on my run and I see a message from my mom. "Did you call Dad today?". This honestly confused me. What happened?! Was I supposed to?

Minute or so later, this was a serious lapse, I realize. Father's Day. I missed Father's Day. 

I didn't miss my bike ride. I didn't miss a meal. I didn't miss any of that stuff in Moria at all, hell most of the day seemed spend there. 

Well this crashed my morning mood. And I here to get out of it. This mood of failure. Of excuse-finding. Of putting the faults everywhere else but me. 

I found the Autobiography in 5 Chapters in a book I took from our last stop to an AA Little Library. I hung it on the fridge. Refer to this post, immediately near this one. 

I'm trying to avoid the hole. I need to avoid the street. 

I want to do BLE. What the fuck is stopping me? Me. 

Instead it's the same hole, and it's most certainly my fault every single time here. Me. 

I forgot my dad on father's day.
I did too many RC.
I picked up the FB yesterday.
I pulled out the multiple CHOs this morning, over and over and over. 

Me.
In Moria.

Go call you dad, and take responsibility.
Go get things done, and quit looking at others for their supposed/imagined problems.

Go. Go down a different street. 

 Autobiography in Five Short Chapters 

I. 

I walk down the street. 

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. 

I fall in. I am lost. I am helpless. 

It isn't my fault. It takes forever to find a way out. 

II. 

I walk down the same street. 

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I still don't see it. 

I fall in again. I can't believe I am in the same place. 

It isn't my fault. It still takes a long time to get out. 

III. 

I walk down the same street. 

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. 

I see it there, I still fall in. It's habit. 

It's my fault. I know where I am. I get out immediately. 

IV. 

I walk down the same street. 

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. 

I walk around it. 

V. 

I walk down a different street.

Whites Creek update

 Today May 30th - brief bouts of jogging with Nova on our walk! Yesterday BIKE a brief bout on Puppy.

Otherwise, not much. My smashed right big toe is better but still painful. But I didn't notice it on the run - so tomorrow...RUN!

More hardwood flooring today, tomorrow, Saturday. Sunday we leave for Kazakhastan. I can't seem to spell that correctly.

Most frustrating, is the lack of CHANGE here with Moria. Zippo on the M, Less on the waste, but totally not BLE. Every freaking day - "today". Every freaking night - "tomorrow". Plan. Think. Hope. That's not CHANGE. 

Last day of lab. And of mice?

I walked Nova to the kennel, in the rain, walked back, bus to work - late! On the walk back to the house, Coach Patrick talked about mindfulness and being in the moment. 

Lev had a court event that changed our plans a bit, but with benefits. 

I was just in the mouse house and killed off a bunch of little mice. So hard to do :(

Mayara gave me a bee necklace! Alejandra a small rosary and prayer book. Could that put me in the moment?

I fly to STL today, what a day. A whirl. 

2 more hours here, I want more time and I want less. 

33 more minutes. Then OUT!

600 days

 Last few days, RUN 1-2 miles with Nova every other day

600!! And so much more. 

3.5 more days of work here.
10 days to graduation
79 days to GOAL. More on that later.
106 days of NoS NoF
600 days of no M
1611 days together
1797 days no Balrog.

I think Balrog and work will go out together?!

I start another new life in a few days. NOW. Remember back in 2017 - trying to get down. Then in 2018? Then the 2019 crisis? The 2020 crisis? Then 2021 I started a new life, except M came with me. 

He's still here. Always here. Always, like a predatory cat. He'll pounce if I let him. He scratches me, especially these last few days. 

Remember February Considerable Lentitude? I haven't made progress since then.
Remember the solar eclipse? 
Remember the butterfly phone case?
Remember anything else in the past 3 months that .... held an promise of change?

I'll remember 500 as the time I started NoS NoF.

I'll remember 600 as the time I put the phone away, focused, and went slowly. 

Two weeks on my own

Saturday and Monday RUN just over a mile with Nova!

And yesterday Sunday long walks, and about 15 mins of strength training at home. "strength", you know what I mean.

Both days, conveyor belting.

Both days, lots of Pimsleur with my new phone. I got through ~500-600 speak-aloud questions. I think I'll keep repeating those as I can until my subscription runs out.

Speaking of subscriptions. My LAF gym ended on Friday. I ended the NourishingMeals on Saturday. Today I looked at the Apple Fitness that comes with my new phone, it has 3 months free to try it out. Might be the best three months to do something like this? 

I still don't have a new job and I'm waiting on two email replies about jobs. Frustrating to be told "I can't afford you". 

This week and the next at work, then done. Then we start officially moving out of the Maple house!

I'm burned out on Audiobooks. The last 3 or 4 I've tried to listen to just fail on me. I'm mentally full up. 

I miss Lev, he had a rough morning and I wasn't able to help. He said I was just making it worse. Ugh. 

I prepacked dinner for tonight! And added it to my Goals list. 

I'm looking ahead for a scheduling/journal/method for my Next Life in TN. 

Why so resistant to change?

Yesterday and today: RUN 1 mile with LA

It seems to be all we have time for? Why?! Why so hard to just get things done? Why do I feel like I spend so much time waiting, thinking ahead how things could be different, thinking things should already be different, etc?

Like the July goal. 91 days. In the last 9 days, what's changed? 

Well last night I had water before/during dinner! But I still stood and rushed a random dinner, and still left feeling too full and kinda sick. 

The spreadsheets reflect that too. No change, is no change. 

Tonight, keep the water. And sit down. 

Starting yesterday, I've been low on self esteem (thanks boss) and hard on myself. Sluggish and feeling like I'm missing on something. And yesterday some hormone-symptom changes, that's not helping either with the slug feeling.