It's been 100 days.....need to reset and reevaluate

Thursday COMMUTE 3.6 miles home, LA have me a ride in

It's been 100 days since I started Noom, it seems, based on my excel sheet. Tomorrow is line 100. I started out at 136, today 134. I didn't start seeing change until 40-50 days ago, when I saw more consistently 131-133. But then the last 3 days here, after seeing 131-132, back to 134, ugh. 

This isn't a weight loss blog, it's a training blog turned to personal improvement and stress management, to mark events and changes, successes and failures.

Recently
1. I started climbing to the 7th floor at work 3 times a day
2. I completely quit reddit and internet, as in actually Blocked from access. 
3. I settled in the last week or so into a meal plan that has watched carbs (still relatively high) but low fat (for gall bladder)
4. I'm doing HIIT (kinda) 3 times a week, this is the 3rd week already!
5. I stopped fake butter entirely. Replaced it with hummus, and as I'm typing this I'm seeing that all I did is transfer the problem. 
6. As of new goals yesterday, no phone while eating, no tupperwares either. 

Ongoing
1. I'm biking to work most every day
2. I'm getting at least 10K steps a day, walks and running
3. I'm running only 4-6 miles a week. (does that count as running?)
4. I'm avoiding stupid foods, but (denial) I'm still eating sugar now I've just switched to honey instead of jam.

Stuck in
1. Bad M3 habits- random and unmeasured and too much
2. Bad weekend habits - same as above
3. ...... what else am I blind to? Go back and edit a few of the above to really get into this. 

So now at 100 days, the start of a month, and post Super Blue Moon, I think it's a great time to re-evaluate. 

1. I had to reset the tracking in my Excel. I was too far behind and "in the red". I almost kept the original columns just in case, but didn't. But I can see where I was supposed to be (8.0-1.5). So close, I thought. 

2. I lose track entirely in the evening, and let's not be blind or in denial here. I have my planned meals, this week finally maybe coming up with a better way to have a "treat" as part of it all, but I still nomnom and munch and don't keep track. I think, well I didn't eat the egg yolks so this is OK. (I didn't eat the yolks this morning, then ate hummus, then said well it's OK I didn't eat the yolks. Blindness. 

3. I'm still doing CO most nights, like having a piece of paper or hair stuck to your finger and trying to remove it just puts it on another finger. The reported averages are 1400s, but are they? Probably not. Denial. 

4. My draw to azuc, jam, rice cakes, etc, ugh, even with hummus, which I started eating with honey, drives the evening noms I thought a treat would solve this, but then this morning I ate my treat before leaving for work. See #2 about yolks, See #5 above for continuation on this. 

So in review -- I don't stick to plan! I plan for a serve of hummus, 2 rice cakes, and half serve of honey this week. But in reality it becomes 4-5 rice cakes, unmeasured hummus, and unmeasured honey. 

So what to do. (quit using the word "so", for starters).
1. Meal plan with a treat, but stick to that treat.
2. Keep with the no-phone, no-tupperware goal, this will take time
3. Get out of Moria in M3. Have a set chore or goal, I've been saying this for months now.
4. At work, eat in the sunshine areas away from lab.

And quit typing here, jeez go get something done. Like, climb some stairs or something. 

End of August, Blue Super Moon

Monday HIIT in garage, no run, COMMUTE half only
Tuesday nothing?!
Wednesday HIIT in garage, RUN 2 miles with LA, COMMUTE 7.2 miles

A very late night flight due to delays, trouble falling asleep, but we were up around 630. I got him out the door, did my stuff and my HIIT, no time to run and I'm already late to work. 

I'm working on the 5 Qualities. I have two Negatives that really overlap and last night while falling asleep I' realized that one of them is actually Disbelief, or Lack of Belief (in myself).

Positive: Cleanliness, Puzzles, Learning, Motion, Flight
Negative: Entrenched, Blind, Denial, Externalized, Ignorant Faithless

These align kinda, although the alignments aren't settled yet.

Tuesday - yesterday the UM internet was down, and now today my phone is with LA because I left it in the car. Ugh, no audiobook. Have I mentioned yet that I put a website blocker on at work? No more reddit!! And that I blocked reddit and waste-time sites on my phone too? OH MAN, the times I WASTED. 

I'm out of sorts today. Woke up late, distracted by S anxiety, S anxiety confirmed after yesterday's salt+azuc evening. 

Like an omen, yesterday HamiltonTrained sent an email about your Monday home-from-work stressed-emotional-eating patterns and how to work on it. Yikes. I lived out that email yesterday! What happened?! I was all out of habit yesterday, off meals, schedule, mental capacity, energy. All out of whack. I pieced together the day, we went to Aldi so I could spend a few hours Monday eve putting the rest of the week together with my meal prep. By the time we got to Aldi, I was Hungry, like 8/10. Dragging, sleepy, hungry. 

Home. And like the floodgates open of FOOD. I'm so hungry! I random together a dinner while prepping. I didn't overeat, but I stressedeat.  New word. 

HamiltonTrained says I should have journaled (and I KNEW this, I'd read the email before coming home, yet still didn't do it.....There's a Quality for that!) about What Do I Feel Right Now? 

How did I feel? Rushed. Hurried. Smothered somehow. My face felt like it was covered, that's a weird thing to say. I felt stretched thin, yet without a specific anxiety to put it on. 

It can happen again today!!! I can happen BETTER today!!!

Wednesday Up a bit late to HIIT in garage, a bit chillier 2 mile run, and a commute! A full morning, and actually exercising. Last night was better, I was so tired but not as hungry, home then to Costco then home again, a 2-fer. 

A Blue Super Moon today! Perigee at noon, and Full at 936pm. My goal started: Sit, no phone, and plate. No more tupperwares. Calm down and focus. 

Today (and next two days) I get home alone. I have phone call today at 530, I gotta be careful, mindful, and follow my plan of shoes, up, wash face, water, 5' journal, a small chore (call?)  - all before M3. 

ETA - I came home, right to wash face and phone call, then part of M3 before I diverted to two chores, then seated M3 with LA, but then nomnomnomnom. Bed on time, calm, and not sick. 

Wrote new goals today!

5 Qualities Integration

After yesterday's just-got-home stressed-out-Moria-session, I'm realizing the 5 Negatives ran that show. Where were the 5 Positives?

Stuck came home and went to Moria. Blind failed to measure anything, Denial made sure I ignored the numbers. (what's really the difference between these two?). Externalize didn't make a big appearance, but usually she would say something about what the other person is doing, yet this time she stayed quiet while I did the exact same thing she harps on other people about. Faithless won when I didn't stay upstairs to write, Faithless wanted to go back to Moria. 

What should have happened? What can happen once I put in some effort? 

Move will come home and go upstairs to honor Clean, to take a few moments to wash my face. Puzzle will go to the journal and work out the issues before they become issues. Learn will see the patterns, see what can be done, and get those put into action. Clean will take me downstairs to wait on dinner, wait until ready, to set a clean table and clean plates and a clean plan. Puzzle has put the plan together, after Learn figured out the best thing to do.  Move will keep me going, instead of lingering in Moria. And at the end, Fly will get me out of their, to do something more productive. Maybe walk, maybe journal, maybe do art. But not do Moria. 

Travel weekend Wins

No workouts, but lots to report that's good.

I maint'd goals, rolling average now <2. 
I kept to meal goals mostly, but also ate in a restaurant and tried new things. But I don't like that even when not Hungry I'd want my habits.

The 5 Qualities in the previous post are taking a life of their own. I started reading Divergent on Sunday and this book has 5 Factions (personalities) that reminds me of these qualities. 

I'm realizing that my Qualities have names and characteristics, and they align against each other. The positive could be used against the negative, but I'm also finding that the alignments aren't fully fleshed out yet. 

Second STEP, Raisa, together

Monday  RUN 2 miles with a 20 min break for HIIT in Mushroom Park, 

       then COMMUTE 7.62 miles
Tuesday COMMUTE 3.6 miles (I double checked my route math.Oops)
Wednesday HIIT about 20-25 mins, RUN 2 miles, COMMUTE 3.6 miles

Thursday not even a walk! rain and scheduling
Friday HIIT but no walk or commute, scheduling again

Monday A repeat of last week, this one better. I went for a run to Mershon, then looped back to Mushroom Park for some mulchy HIIT. The sun rose over the trees, the wind was calm, I was tired and slow. 

Yesterday my goal numbers were depressing, - they have been for most of last week - and then this morning: 1.8. Say what?! Yay? 

Tuesday no entry

Wednesday Last night LA said he wanted to run 3-4 miles and wasn't interested in my offer to do HIIT along with the run. He said something like "you'll do what you want anyway". Ugh. So I changed - I got up and did my HIIT in the basement and garage - only for him to stay in bed on his phone where I found him to see if he was still running or not. We only did 2 miles. 

Last night too I offered a walk, he said he wanted to go to bed but did walk with me. He said he'd go to bed when we came back, which was around 815. So I painted only a little bit, cleaned up, and went upstairs. He stayed downstairs instead, on his phone and eating. He did come into the room at some point earlier but I was already falling asleep listing to the Last Russian Doll book (I had to rewind it over and over as I kept dozing off) then around 11 or 1130 he came to bed, then I couldn't fall asleep again. He was still up on his phone reading. I had to take a melatonin 5mg to get to sleep, if I wanted to be awake at 530 for the run. 

Yesterday morning while I was sitting on the bed talking to him he was opening YT to surf for I don't know what I got frustrated. Here I'm trying to talk to him, and he's thinking about YT. 

The night before, he came to the bedroom and I'm again falling asleep around 930? I'm not sure of the time and I'm thinking he was going for a shower but he was just in there, for at least an hour because I waited that long before falling asleep again, was just watching videos.

I can probably go back in my history here to 10 years ago - the 2013 change in my first marriage - and find similar frustrations with that husband. Who would go to the 3rd floor of the house and watch TV while I fell asleep alone each night. This is similar, but different. I want LA to come to bed. The other guy, I didn't care. I don't want to get to that point with LA.

What does the phone provide that's so engrossing, that's so pulling and strong, that it's better to hang out with the phone or a screen, than me? 

I guess the phone doesn't nag, about being on the phone. 

LA seems I'm frustrated and he asks. During the run my mind was rolling rolling rolling ideas and thoughts, and we didn't say a word during the run. Why was I the one tracking his nutrition? Reading the pubmed articles for him? Packing his lunch? Making food for him? Preparing tea every morning? Making grocery lists and researching things he can eat? Offering to do HIIT type stuff with him because he says he "wants to do pushup" probably for the Army? Tracking his nutrition so we can maximize the nutritionist appointment tomorrow? Offering to run with him and waiting until he's awake when I can just go on my own? Staying up late to cuddle with him when I could be sleeping? Sitting in the living room to be around for phone call instead of doing anything else? Take care of the kids when he's busy? Traveling the next 3 weekends in a row to help him see the kids? 

That escalated from minor to major, and could probably be separated into to problems. I mention to him only the minor ones. I say he can read his own pubmed articles. Track his own nutrition, pack his own lunch and make his own tea. That my attempts to help don't feel appreciated, so why do I keep doing it? I feel like support staff - doing all the things so he can work and study, and see the kids. I say I'm not a maid (I said this yesterday or the day before), I'm not support staff. I say that I rearranged my life back in March so he could study more for the STEP and instead of life getting better....

....life went back to worse. What do I want? I want to have dinner together. I came home Monday to him already eating and he didn't wait. I came home yesterday Tuesday and he'd already eaten sushi, skipped eating with me, then ate again after I went to bed. We can't do breakfast or lunch, can't we at least adult enough to do dinner? We couldn't even do it when the kids were here, always some excuse with the exception of maybe those 2 nights. 2 nights, out of 10 weeks. The golden chance for family time, lost. 

I want to stop doing everything for everyone else - making tea and packing lunch and prepping food and cleaning and picking up those damned stupid toothpicks on the countertop and the car. (seriously how hard is it to throw it away?!). I try to think of something that someone else is doing for me on the regular, a habit they do just for me on their time, ..... my mind isn't going there now and all I see are lights left on in empty rooms and shoes left on the floor not the rack and toothpicks. 

No, he's aired the house out for me after I complained about the air being stale in the house. He tried to by a food processor (but I had him return it, a separate financial rant not for today). He bought be a vacuum, but I'd rather he save the money and pick up a broom now and then to clean on his own. He's helped me sell a few items from the house, although I felt like I was intruding on his study time and was apologetic and thankful. 

Where am I going with all this? I'm just thinking things over, seeing if I can find a pattern or fix. What do I want? I want to feel like our lives are on more equal support footing, that we're making time for each other and each other's desires, not the feeling I have now of "me doing so much to support his medical school goals" and "me investing so much time and money so he can see his kids". 

I don't want to feel like support staff, like I'm the one giving up my time and my interests and my money. 

He's under a lot of stress, I'm trying to help but apparently I'm not. He says he feels judged, and that I keep comparing what he says to me and making it about me. He also says I need to set boundaries. But to him? I guess I do, for now. He needs to make his own tea, pack his own lunch, read his own articles. I need to focus on me. The focus on us, needs to come when we've found this balance to be in balance. 

But for now, he needs my support. ? Does he? Can I help him with this? It seems beyond me. 

Thursday Woke up to long, soaking, bright and heavy thunderstorms. LA had two appointments that I went to at the VA - PCP and nutrition. Then a shortened day at work. I'd like to get a walk in! I missed that today. LA and I better today, talking and learning what is frustrating each of us. We're on the same page, just reading it differently. 

Friday Up to garage HIIT, LA in a mental-daze seeing his weight change and symptoms, we talked about that instead. Rode to work together so we could be home in time for the flights.

Ending here, will update Monday!

5 qualities I'm proud of; 5 I'm not proud of

1. Clean and organized. Not everywhere all the time, but I'm proud of my ability to keep the house, my desk, my notes, books, stuff - clean and tidy.

2. TIL. I like to learn and I've learned a lot! I'm proud of this too, that I've put effort into continuous learning in reading, skills, arts. 

3. Puzzles. I really enjoy puzzles, and I'm proud of the patience and perseverance I'll put into it. It can be on a phone app, or a project at work, or the ACT review stuff I've been doing. 

4. Athleticism. Amelia, the athlete part of me. Activity and motion, multiple talents and drives. This part of me has changed a lot lately, but it's still there. I'm proud of my desire to continue returning to healthy choices and activities. 

5. Phoenix. I picked myself up, and I flew away. So much has happened and yet I'm still here and I'm still going. I'm proud of this ability - I see now that I can adapt to change!

Qualities I'm not so proud of. 

1. I can get stuck in a rut, a habit track. But don't we all? But I'd really like to change some of the habits and I've been trying for years. Literally, years. 

2. I have a denial streak, and often refuse to see my mistakes. I'll eat something for dinner, then act like I didn't and not log it, for example. 

3. I have a blind streak and often fail to see my own errors. Much like the biblical quote, I can see it in others but not me. 

4. I have a tendency to focus on others' problems and issues, while mine are screaming at me. The exact same issues, denied and blinded. But on top of that, I redirect to others. 

5. I often know exactly what to do, yet I don't do it. This relates to #1, I deal with it by #2, #3, and #4. Full circle. 

Running again, HIIT started, up down all around, denial

Sunday RUN 2.5 miles, some walking
Monday COMMUTE half way (rain and tired), HIIT 25 mins
Tuesday RUN 2 miles, not sure of commute
Wednesday HIIT 25 mins and COMMUTE
Thursday RUN 2 miles solo and half COMMUTE
Friday HIIT again and COMMUTE 
Saturday BIKE! 16.3 on Metropark with LA
Sunday RUN 2.75 with LA

I'm back to "normal". Back to running too! And I finally wrote out a HIIT plan to follow, 3 days a week. A bit repetitive maybe, but I gotta start somewhere.

My other goals are on track, I'm more focused on cleaning up the less-than-ideal foods I started eating (azuc, seriously...!) and watching macros and micros. Given all the changes in foods in the house, this is a good time to evaluate that. 

Last night, and over the weekend, azuc with oats and butter. You know, like 2019! 

But no M. 

-----

Thursday. From a low to a high, or a high to a low, depending on how you want to word it, I'm so distracted by this and all else...

I think my goals are on track, then yesterday. I skip the IF for M1 and have randomness at 8am:tofu, ketchup (threw it away), cream cheese. Then I feel sick, both physically and mentally and goally (new word) - I'm rearranging and deleting and adjusting to accommodate this. I think I have it, I get home, M3 another randomfest.

Planned: salmon, broccoli, carrots, potato, and FB

Actual: grapes and cherries, broccoli with coconut aminos, tomato and cuc twice with balsamic, carrots, then egg whites, potato with butter (LOTS of butter), buckwheat, buckwheat with jam and hummus and fake butter in a cup, then again, then jam, then the fake cream cheese, then....I think jam...and dates with FB scooped. How the fuck did I not feel sick?! Granted, I'm nibbling, but ...! The buckwheat, peach, jam, hummus  -- all poorly logged, if logged at all. So the number I type it, is DENIAL.

My CO was the FB, peach, dates. 

Now today. I see 2.4 go to 5.0 and I'm in disbelief. Really, disbelief?!? Ha, take THAT denial. You lose! 

Read that above again, and just THINK about it. 

My heart is jumpy and palpitating. Stress? Imagined? This? 

Now I'm planning next weeks meals, and trying to figure out if I need to change something? 
And I need to PLAN and PACK this weekend!! 

-----

Friday: OMG I'm reading over yesterday and realizing I'm about to type the exact same shit all over again. We went to Aldi and I got rice cakes. I've been out of them for 1 week (or more) now and I stupidly missed them. I was barely in the door and RC + FB (unmej). I stopped at 3 as planned. But as I'm cooking plov, I realize I can cook too the gluten free pizza dough. I realize I can do a sugar cinnamon. I eat some raw dough, which in the end tasted better than the cooked version, and M ---- OH that fucker ---- started talking!!! Anxiety. Stress. Rushed. 

I only ate parts of them (the unbrowned sugared side) with more FB (also unmej) and threw out the rest and M wanted to throw out even more and Oh fuck it's unreal. 

But he didn't win. But he did. In the form of a CO=400 for today. 

Unreal. Just yesterday I was upset that I went off script. And what did I do just hours later? Went off script. I'm fixing it today. 

And I still have to plan the weekend!!

NOW!

Weekend:

Saturday bike ride, Sunday run. Before the run - an aura and a panic attack. At least, that's what I think it was? 

I went from 4.0, to 5.0, to another 5.0, then decline to 1.8. I was in another type of panic last night - felt sick and bloated and heavy and losing.
My noom app had a "write about 5 characteristics you're proud of". For Monday.