I'll show the wind how to fly

RUN 4 miles in 40 mins, solo
COMMUTE 7 miles

The kids all declined a run (I offered a 1-2 mile run/walk last night) and LA went to work, so just me and sunshine and Bon Jovi songs around the high school. Goal was no walking - success! Great bike to work, now just gotta get through work. Genotyping day. Yay. 

June goals!! Think!! 

Summer break begins

Saturday - Monday rest and family and travel
Tuesday (today) RUN 1+2 miles and STRENGTH 20 mins ish Push D

     COMMUTE 3.5 and more? 

All is good so far! I thought I had 4 days off, but I did get to the gym on Friday so it was only 3. Felt longer, and I missed it. 

Stuck to goals over the weekend, but slipped last night staying past M3 with watermelon. Not the worst thing I've done. 

June is next, and it's time to set goals. In my first month, I'm 139.2 to 135 today. Saw 133 twice, that was the goal, and I still have tomorrow haha. 

Then...? Plan it!! Marathon? Another 4-5? 

I will continue to decline the offer, and quit saying that "I'm Stuck"

ELLIPTICAL 10 + 30 pushing the effort in the last one
STRENGTH 25 or so mins of Legs C
No bike! It's too cold!

So the strength training is going great - 4 sessions this week! The elliptical is better with effort, I'm focusing on using the interval setting and staying in at least 70 rpm.  I feel it!

Yesterday the HamiltonTrained tried to counteroffer - "yeah I know it's a lot but don't you feel stuck? How long have you been stuck? Won't you always be stuck?" and that work, not trying to be funny here, stuck out to me.

Stuck. 

I used the word, I used it to describe how I felt that I didn't know what else to change and I didn't know why change wasn't happening for me. 

If I keep saying that I'm stuck, well then I'm going to be stuck!

What have I changed in just the month of May? 

1. Regular strength training

2. No dates
3. No treats and getting accurate
4. Stopping M3 and not just lingering
5. No phone at meals, no distractions

6. Regular, more fearless running routine with two-a-days and afternoons

That's a LOT, good for you, and the month of May started at 139.# and is ending at what looks to be a 133.# That was the goal I'd set in late April on the DTE run, and I've a few more days to know for sure. 

Yesterday I signed up for my free 14 day Noom trial. I'm still rearranging my headspace to think that instead of a spoonful of mayo (fat) that I could eat instead water-filled veggies and lower density foods (volume). That's their science anyway. Two days in, and I'm over the orange foods (PB, mayo, coconut milk) but that's foods I packed and picked before I started this. 

I spent way too much time the last two days thinking on meal plans. I found one that mixed protein, fat, starchy veg, non starchy veg, whole grain, fruit, and freebie - but so complicated to follow the mix n match. It's what MB at work probably does - she talks about something very similar. It's not paleo, and it's tempting me to eat oatmeal. Three strikes against. 

But I can follow the idea of it: 300 + 400 + 400 + 150 meals to get around 1200-1400 per day. That's just a baseline, with running it can go up. I'm trying to come up with standards on recipe cards that I can use to quickly meal prep, to get more variety, and still get what I need without too much or too little. 

I will decline the Training offer - oh Come With Me Now

RUN 3 miles, to and from gym
STRENGTH 30 mins of my new Pull C workout
COMMUTE 3.5 miles and a ride home
RUN more with LA just over 1 mile then walked

The fog of female hormones seems to have cleared. My bra is back to normal size and my mood is up. I'm also excited about the ideas from the list I generated yesterday about what else I could do with my $20/day from HamiltonTrained. I downloaded the Come With Me Now song I loved in 2014 - the MiTi song.

I ran to the gym, had a great workout to Bon Jovi, ran back home. Bike to work to Congos replaying. I'm feeling great. 

My back is tired from this morning! 

I looked at Noom as a meal planning tool. I have an offer for 2 weeks free, why not, then I can get 6 months for $160.  $0.88/day. The up-front seems like a LOT to pay, but so does $3500 - for the SAME TIME PERIOD!

I looked at my GymBook app - for $8 I can get access to all the exercises and build my own workouts.

But it's missing the Inner Game, and I know things aren't great there, but they aren't so bad as $3500. 

I'll message him soon to get it off my mind, I said Thursday afternoon he could reach out to me, but I'm going to get ahead of it and do it myself. 

Training would be $20 a day

ELLIPTICAL 10 + 20 minutes, now paying attention to effort
STRENGTH 25 ish minutes of Push C, lots of triceps
COMMUTE 3.5 miles in, got a ride home 

Yesterday's HamiltonTrained phone call, an hour that ended on a very low note. I'd put a lot of thought into this - thinking about goals and desires and current issues and making a list. I never referred to my list during the call, it was in my head as I'm living it. Summary:

Asked about my current status, how I got there, first 20 minutes or so of the issues. In short, using my words that I said, I'm so close to the problem that I can't see it anymore and it's a tangle, and I need help untangling it.

He asked, if he snapped his fingers and put me at goal weight and physique, would I be able to maintain it on my own? I'd like to think I could, but in 2017-2019 as I spiraled I couldn't. But I've changed a lot since then, could I do it now? 

He asked, if he snapped his fingers and put me at goal feeling and strength regardless of weight and size, would I be happy? I'd like to think so, but honestly, no. 

He went over his way of doing things, the 3 phases. Mentioned that I might need some metabolic work. Said I'd get a personalized meal plan and strength training plan. Then right towards the end, the ball drops. He only does things in 6 month increments and I won only 3 months. Normally 6 months is $5000 but my discount would be $3500. 

Fuck. 

Bloody hell. And I can look back over the call then and see how it built to this. 

I said I needed husband approval. I said that's a lot. He said he has financing options. Of course he does. He said he usually wants an answer in 24 hours, but can wait 48 for me. Of course he can. I'm thinking he hears "no" quite a bit once the call gets to this point. 

Think about that - 12 months for $10000 would be $27.3 dollars A DAY.

6 months for $5000 would be $19.18 dollars A DAY. 

I'm cheap, we all know that. I can regret on $15 dollars I spent on a bus ticket in April that I didn't use because I didn't stop to think. I already lament that AEAs gym membership won't cover her full visit and I might be in for another $20 because I didn't stop to think. I most certainly regret all the M food that I certainly did and did not think about (all at the same time, both planning and denying at the exact same time). 

But I can stop to think about this. I talked to LA this morning, explaining that I'm NOT likely to go along with this. He doesn't know the depths of all this, but I'm opening up to it slowly in the past weeks. 

Think about the past weeks. Have I been consistent? No. Have I been pushing towards a defined goal? No. Am I changing and tweaking and stopping so that I nail my goals? No. Do I eat spoonfuls of peanut butter. Do I fear going to the DS for nibbles. Do I lose the plan by Friday and go off on weekends. Do I really effort on the elliptical (LN at work said he does this, and that pointed out to me that I don't). Do I have a running goal or do I come up with excuses. 

Do I overeat? Not THAT much. Do I M? Not for 257 days. Do I binge and eat bad foods? No. No. No. 

--- --- ---

What can I do for myself with almost $20 a day? Buy exercises on my app and build my own strength training plan that isn't boring and makes progress. Buy better foods and not the cheapest food I can buy. Buy new workout clothes and running shoes. Buy more workout music. Buy a new bike helmet. I could search around and find a meal plan, work with a nutritionist. I could get a YEAR of personal training at LA Fitness.

--- --- ---

But do I know what to do next? What do I change next to see the results? What is the difference between me then and me now? Think on these to day, and come back. 

Today I start Trained?

RUN 2 miles with LA
RUN 1.75 miles to gym, STRENGTH about 25 mins Legs, RUN 1.25 miles home

COMMUTE 3.5 miles, and 3.5 miles home 

LA wanted to run another half marathon last night (a Monday) (he ran a half over a few days ago during his weekend in MO) (why a half on a Monday?!) and he wanted me to bike with him. I wasn't at all into the idea - sitting and noodling along on a bike for 2.5 to 3 hours. In the end, we didn't do anything. Not even a walk, and spent quiet time together. In bed! 

I went to bed early, but woke up around 1am then 130 am then 2 am worried about ULAM/CS shit at work. I woke up with my eye still swelled up. 

We ran 2 miles together, he showered and left for work (urology at the VA), then I ran to and from the gym rounding up to get 5 miles total. I finally did a Legs session and finally tried a few new exercises. Some questions on some of those - front barbell squats felt like it was all arms, and romanian deadlifts felt like it was in my lower back too. But the barbell hip thrusts and hanging leg lifts felt good. All new exercises. I got a monthly membership for AEA today too. 

Bike to work, phone call in 2.5 hours, I have a lot of notes!
I'll be back with notes and nexts. 

Inconsistent weekend

Saturday STRENGTH 30 mins pull, bookended by 30 mins each of ELLIPTICAL
Sunday RUN 7.5 miles south of the house, meandering, uninspired
Monday COMMUTE 7 miles

My last weekend solo for awhile, as the summer break starts next week. I did all chores, meal prep, not all the errands, lots of walking both days in the evening. Both days between 21K and 25K steps!

Lots of introspection about tomorrow's meeting for the training. What exactly do I want? I flip back and forth between I need help and I'm just fine. The idea of Imposter Thinking and Identity Problems comes to mind. 

Why inconsistent? I didn't follow macro goals, timing goals, or just overall goals. 

NUMERICS

Last week - only 15 miles RUNNING and 6 totals hours of training, 3 STRENGTH sessions, and no bike COMMUTES?