AIP start, Eclipse, M, Surgery Tomorrow

Today I start AIP, as best I can with a few unknowns (like I need to look up coffee...nope) and trying to get out of the M habit. Last night cocoflour with sweet potato and molasses. Prior night cassaflour with ghee. 

I didn't even enjoy it. 

I woke up at 5am to see if I could find the moon, full and in partial eclipse. It was setting around 5:30-5:45am, and Soulard is trees and houses. I walked to I-55, found the Syndey overpass, but either the other buildings or the light clouds had it covered. Wonderful walk, so quiet calm and warm. 

My surgery is tomorrow. I thought I'd have a lot more to say right now, but at the moment I'm kinda dead-head. I'm hesitant to have the surgery (I'm walking OK) but I have a lot of clicks and sticks, minor pains and aches, they're only going to get worse. I'm walking all I can today. Next I walk to the library and maybe Whole Foods, so I can rebuy the foods I bought last week for M. Are they safe to buy? I dunno, I'm still thinking about it. 

I'll be back after surgery!

AIP research; M fail

Yesterday I met EW and BE in the morning at the 6am run, saw them before and after their run. Ugh, it was hard, it felt like I was saying a sort of goodbye-but-not-really and I miss them!

I also haven't reconnected with other friends from STL yet, and the thought crosses my mind everyday. TH, TB, TV, LC, others. I know they're just a text away, but I feel like I'm ........   wrong somehow.....I'm not sure how to explain it. I feel like I'm always the one needing help or asking for something, and to call them up and say "hey I'm going into surgery" and "hey I'm leaving STL" just seems like yet another "well TJ needs something" or "TJ got injured again" or "TJ can't take care of herself". So instead I just don't reach out at all? 

I researched more AIP, and started the slide into it. I made a list of things I regularly eat and some replacement ideas. I'm still eating: eggs, coffee, tomato, rice, (oats already out), mustard, pepper, ketchup, raspberry dressing, ghee,and veg oils.

I've purchased cassava flour, coconut butter, blackstrap molasses, coconut flour, palm oil (and JUST GUESS what I did with it at first). That takes care of carbs and oils. I bought beef and chicken last night for the eggs. I'm doing tea and fruit-sparking water for coffee. I'm doing cucumbers for tomatoes and peppers on salads. GHEE? I thought that would be OK so I'm not sure on that one. 

Things I need to try: apples and sweet potatoes. The apples can stand in for honey and maple syrup in recipes. The sweet potatoes  can replace the oats and rice. 

One thing that will make life difficult is the no-processed-food-chemical rule -- citric acid, colors and flavors, spices, gums and thickeners, etc. This will really limit my shopping, how seriously to take this? 

And on that thought, what is going to by my metric of success? At first, my primary goal is to get through the surgery with low inflammation and fast healing. After that, the neuro symptoms. But they are come and go, I need to think more on this.  

So. When to start? Well we have the kids this weekend, and it's hard challenging to do then because LA likes to eat out, and eating out will be a challenge with this. I'm not going cold turkey, I just need to make this weekend work. 

But finishing the thought, there's an partial lunar eclipse next Tuesday the 26th at...starts at 3:47am and maxes out at 5:42am then falls off at the horizon. 

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Yesterday in Aldi I skipped the RC- so happy with myself. But on the way out got the Chex. And new as soon as I had it, that I should put it back. Thought about it, but thought the kids and the dog could enjoy too. FAIL. So bag is gone, and so is the AirBNB bag of azuc that shared with the chex. 

Again. Time back to zero. 

No more neurology for now, but what about AIP?

NOTHING GAWD I HATE THIS

Well I could include the 5 minutes of planks work I've been doing in the morning. Does that count? 

My headache, strong fatigue, and total braindeadedness are much better. Stopping caffeine had a role in that, I doubted that I was getting any benefit from caffeine since I never felt a perk from it. But I will throw it in the ring as a contributor to my anxiety and nerves, and in the ring as a contributor to the weekends mental and energy failures.

That's not to say I feel normal yet. Still a mild headache, still a flat mood, still no strong emotions of happy or anything. Even when LA is here (he's driven back from FLW twice!) I feel the same disconnection to him as I do to my current life. It's frustrating - to know that I'm feeling flat and to know it's not right, yet to still feel it. 

The neurological follow up was today. LA wanted more details on the future plan and what-next. I really didn't care. So when he asked what I was interested in knowing (LA typed a message in MyChart) I admitted that I'm in a sort of denial about this. There were no strong findings on the MRI, so no solid direction in which to go next. A spinal tap would be indicated based on MRI findings, that's something LA was interested in knowing about. 

The plan in the end - no plan. I could get more tests, but the balance of a low-yield test vs cost and stress and risk vs benefit -- in my mind let's just wait. Not just because I don't want more tests, but just because I've got enough else going on, and I'm moving away, and there's just nothing specific to go after right now. 

So the plan is to find a neuromuscular specialist in AA, and go from there. I told this to LA, and he suggested CIDP or AIDP or Lyme or Gullian Barre - I think they are mixed up as I typed them. One is acute inflammatory demyelinating polyradiculoneuropathy or chroic IDP - the same kinda says it all. Weakness, numbness, etc. I don't really see myself as having these when I read the symptoms. 

Speaking of which, what are my current symptoms - just as an update? The left side of my face feels odd, like it's bulging out or sagging. The headache I've had seems to be around a clenched-jaw feeling, like I'm clenching my jaw but I never actually catch myself doing it. The pain/clench feeling is in the upper jaw, but on both sides. The other day while where looser soft pants I felt "something" against the anterior left calf, but nothing was there. This lasted the two days I wore the pants. The "something" is an altered sensation against the skin. Numbness? Not sure. Other than  that, no other symptoms I've noted. 

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The Whole30 continues. Last night we went for sushi and I declined, with the recent painfulness so fresh in memory. I'm on track, but not doing "template" and still doing condiments of ketchup, honey mustard, and raspberry vinaigrette. I don't react to them, they work, but I'm using too much and that's the catch. So use 'em up and stop for a bit. 

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LA replied to my summary of the neuro follow up with the above neuro terms, which are autoimmune conditions. This immediately reminded me of the AIP diet. I've looked at it over and over for years, it's right there with Whole30 in most books. It's a branch out of the Paleo diet, and I've been reading on that since 2009. I reviewed the diet, and yes, I'm super close to being on it. I've already stopped dairy, cocoa, legumes, and for the most part nuts and alcohol. The Whole30 I started reduced oats and rice and fake sugars, (excepting said condiments). The foods I'd need to remove include: eggs (!), tomatoes, the condiments, pistachios, mustard, and peppers. Reduce coffee, tea is OK.  That's it!! But EGGS?!?!?!?!?!? Ugh. Oh, and rice and oats for sure. 

So I reserved some library books, read some info, need to read a lot more. Improved sleep and reduced stress and low-medium exercise are also on the AIP plan, same as on the Whole30 and Paleo. What to do?!  AIP is temporary, like Whole30 it requires reintroduction. 

What can I add with this? I should start thinking about adding things back. Apples. Sweet potatoes. Cassava flour. I learned that new-to-me Tigernut flour should be OK. Blackstrap molasses. 

So as always, I set out a remove/replace plan:

REMOVE        REPLACE WITH
Eggs                 Beef and fish
Mustard            ??
Tomatoes         I'll be OK here without, roma and salsa and tomato paste I can wait
Oats                 Remove anyway, tigernut flour stuff?
Rice                 See above
Peppers            I'll be OK here, I just munch the mini peppers right now
Coffee              Reduced anyway
All nuts            Already reduced
Indicated Spices     Already not using spices much

Plan -- look at some recipes and start seeing if the swaps work for me. 

Up and Down. Pass and Fail. Restart. Again.

Wednesday night we drove up to my parents to weigh the trailer.

Thursday midday we drove back afterwards. Then sushi, and I wasn't feeling good before sushi and I certainly felt worse after. I ordered the "spicy tuna" for the first time, and it had tempura on the top. I removed the top, ate what looked like a clean bottom of just rice, but who knows if I exposed to something else in doing so. 

Friday I committed to W30 again. For me it's less the elimination and more the absolute "no" of it. Friday night breakfast was too much veg and butternut and fruit, and dinner was oats and ketchup and shrimp and veg and raspberry dressing ice-cream randomness. Really felt sick. 

Saturday I was still feeling sick from it all when I decided a veg then fruit then M of aven, azuc, ghee would be a good idea. Super sick. As in - back to bed horrified to meditate until I felt better. I drove out to FLW to see LA barely functioning. 

Sunday turned in to at 21hr IF. One the way home from FLW I literally picked up oats at the $ store and put them back, picked up the other oats at $ store and put them back, picked up oats at Aldi and put them back, touched oats at Vincent's and walked away. Later on wanted a piece of caramel candy. Had rice with dinner, too much maybe, but planned and part of dinner and OK. Wanted the almond ice cream later. 

Monday, today, all is good so far. Actually packed a lunch! Breakfast was too big again, still nom'ming too much, but so far so good. 

What a ride. 

Last night - Nothing changed, so, nothing changed

 19IF day, all a bunch of CO from yesterday and day before, all great. 

Home with plan that I never looked at again. Was on the phone, stressed, but not rushed, and lost it all.

Aven is now gone, BS now gone, MS and Jell thrown out. 

Nothing will change, if Nothing is changed. 

The Monster and The Magnets

Yesterday was the brain MRI. I don't have results yet. This isn't about the results.

I'm not claustrophobic, so I actually enjoyed the time in the machine. I was even disappointed that it lasted only 30 minutes. I had the idea that it would be an hour or more. 

To be put in a white glowing tub, head nestled into a cage that included a plastic face mask and ear phones, a warm blanket. No distractions. Just me, Monster, and Magnets.

Monster comes into the story because just an hour prior he came to the house and I let him in. A sort of WTH moment, a last hurray, a moment of weakness. I came to the MRI with chest pressure and headache and dizziness. Stress. Azuc. And Monster. 

During the MRI, images played in my head. Years ago, today, last year, yesterday. 

A memory would start, the magnets would bang.

A vision would start, the vibrations would disrupt it.

A scanning buzzing would start, and wipe away the visuals.

It was like I couldn't think. 

The buzzing and humming and banging entered my head like a laser, cutting and removing and burning away parts of my brain. In my pseudo-hypnotic state, I could see the cutting that left holes in the brain. Like JBP would say, burning away 95% of thoughts that weren't me and leave that 5% of a husk behind, like a Phoenix burning and resurrecting.

The noises were rhythmic, steady, repetitive. I wondered if there was a podcast or other playable that I could listen to to fall asleep.

Half way through the imaging, I received the dose of Galolinium contrast. I've read that it increases the speed at which protons realign with the magnetic field. Faster realignment means a brighter image. 

In my head, the contrast filled in the holes. Provided a structure to rebuild on. The holes where Monster was could be lined to recover and could be filled in with good thoughts. And I think at this point I might have fallen asleep or really did hypnotize myself. The images were blurry and random and written to the repetitive buzzing and humming all around me. 

Afterwards, my mind took hours to come back full. I skipped buying any more food for dinner. I skipped dinner. I skipped my evening walk. I went to be late, feeling numb and empty. 

This is going to change, part 2

 OK so last night's upset stomach is faded and now it's a raining morning. I slept poorly (wonder why) and craved LA to cuddle against. That's how this all started, with a friendly cuddle on the floor watching Spaceballs The Movie! I eventually slept, woke up pained gut that emptied itself out like a purge. And now here I am.

I'm leaving soon to drive to see my parents, home! My mind immediately puts this as a catchup day, to recover and balance from yesterday. This forward/backward mentality is like a punishment. 

But I need a catch up day, a clearance, I need to empty out - physically and mentally. On the drive, I'll consider the open doors and problems and things to focus on. I have now only ...mathing...less than 3 weeks before the surgery. 16 days?

I set the goal that Monster will not leave the Wyoming house. Aside from the touches of him last night, he's left the house and followed me but has not been invited in. But last night was like I sent an invite and held him to the foyer. 

The changes I need to make, are in keeping him out of the country, so to speak. 

I need to go. Yesterday I delayed. I wont' do that again today!