Full moon, full me

STRENGTH fit plus 20 mins total
WALK

Last night more of the same, and would have been OK except for random unplanned rice. All good others. I set a "1 is OK" but it does need to be PLANNED.

Full Strawberry Moon

 RUN WALK 2.4 in 31ish. 9x 2”(1”)

Running feels great. Ankle is ok, poppy and pained sometimes after sitting or driving. 

Last night went kinda as planned. Dinner plus chicken salmon grapes pickles turnips cantaloupe. More? How is that at all “kinda as planned”?!

“I’ll start with the full moon tomorrow”. 

So today started with chicken wings, feta cheese, pear. Plan was nothing. I did like this yesterday and was full until 1pm but still overate. There’s stress in this too. Lev is working long hours come home late, and I miss him. HTF is that related to overeating?

I look at Nova, who’s gained 5-6 pounds, and this she looks fatty and should exercise more and so should I. I see coworker with 16:8 and think I should do that. I see kids not conveyor belting and think I should do that. I need to look in the mirror and see that I am visibly bigger, need to have self control, and need to see how it looks when I eat and eat and eat. Other people see this too, just like I see it in others. 

What is my plan?

Brain Pain Dump

In VCP meeting today Terri offered to make us cookies for the 4 surgeries she's sending next week, then said "tracy eats real healthy" and "send your favorite cookies" and I'm wondering if "cookies" can be a mug mash of yogurt, instant oats, PB, and PP. I guess you can eat such that people think you're "real healthy" but still be overweight and gain 10 pounds in 6 months. :(

Yesterday I was bounce nom'ing the above mentioned mug mash, and yet still I wonder how 10 in 6 happened. 

Today my bra doesn't fit, my pants kinda fit, my scrubs certainly didn't fit, my belly folds when I sit. 

I get an add for Factor_ meal kits and realize it's just prepacked food in measured portions. I'm already "doing that" but NO I'm NOT doing that. See above mentioned mug mash. 

This all hurts. 

To lose 10 in 6 months means Dec 10th, which is past my goal of under 125 by my birthday. The birthday is 19 weeks away...That's 1-1.5lbs a week. 

I've been doing this math since I lived in my dorm in college. Earlier likely. But I remember doing these maths. 

Just doing Math won't solve this!

This all hurts. 

Family weekend; 10 lbs; Dot journal

Yesterday RUN WALK 8x 21 (11) 31 mins, about .6 miles

Today STRENGTH 20' upper and 5' core

The weekend was supposed to be my parent's 50th celeb, but with mom sick it changed to my sis' family and colorado family. AWESOME!! But left me random.

I keep eating PP with yogurt, after another meal, and ending up feeling sick and blurpy and full. Didn't log anything. Thought it felt great. 

Until I looked at my old Noom account, happily logging my -1.2 when I noticed two things. Last weekend's 1382 was a Peak in Noom, and 1280 was a low just last December. This was such a surprise that I woke up around 1030pm to think about it, and looked this morning to double check it. 10 in 6 months. JFC. 

I looked and found no notes here in December about this. I did however find me going on about the same damned problems I have NOW. 

I keep wanting to go back to Coach Patrick's rules and read them again. I keep wanting to find The Answer. 

UM.... YOU HAVE THE ANSWER. 

LESS.

I spend my shuttle ride to work looking at dot journals. Because a journal will do what??? Cost money, 

I can report success; but also a SF (as opposed to a NSV)

Fitness plus for 30 mins as planned.

1402 NOT as planned or hoped, but as feared. 

Last night, day 1 if you will, went OK. Home to chores, not Moria. Change clothes, instead of Moria. Few pieces of fruit, STOP, then only veggies at the c-top. Otherwise sit. But I kept bouncing for 2nds 3rds 4ths etc. No PP, oat, potato, applesauce, but some rice. Sitting. No FB, and no RC. 

So way better.  

But the 1402. My mind is jumping around on this.
"BLE isn't working". Honey, you ain't doing BLE. 
"Menopause". Honey, you ain't in menopause.
"I worked out I'm so swol". Honey, no. 

Excuses excuses. 

What about Coach P's rules, that worked. Yeah, honey, so did marathon training. 

His rules were no fruit, no starches, drop carbs, RUN, and oh, eat less. 

Hmmmmm.......

What's common between all those 'successful' ways? Eat Less. 

What else? When I open the list of posts, I see lots of fails. So - are you trying?

Rather, were you trying? No. Are you now. Yes. 

Today is actually 1000 days

RUN 2 miles with alternating 2'/2' walking. Yay!!!!!

The ankle is tight, less ROM, tight on steps too. Minimal if any pain. Nova gained 6 pounds this spring, all in her belly. She does not want to run, but she joined for 0.6 miles. Brat. 

I have most creative excuse for "starting tomorrow": the anniversary of a day is the zero day (1000) and so if I want my anniversaries to align then I need to start on the next day. FUCKING HELL. 

Today is really the 1000, when I compare how the trackers align this is correct. Good thing, because yesterday was a FAIL. Came home to not walking dog, not walking grass, not watercolor, not chores. Instead home to moria: most all standing until 930pm cucumbers, chicken, yogurt, rice yogurt+rice, more, chicken, rice, oats. At least no potato or protein powder or applesauce. Small wins. FUCKING HELL.

But also FUCKING AWESOME to be 1000 days, proof that you can make change in a good way. 

Today, arrive home and take out the dog. Come in and change clothes and wash up. Check on kitchen tasks: tomato soup and chicken in skillet. Watercolor palettes. Dog play. 

1000 days

Yesterday I RAN/WALKED 2 miles! Not the best run, but a run.

Today is 1000 days of no M. And now I need to be honest, M still lurks and wants out. He has occasionally peeped, he squawks a lot, want to be heard. A few peeps don't mean a fail, I always caught it. 

The next goal is still part of M, Moria. That lingering problem that's been YEARS in lifespan. 10 years, at least. I've been trying, half trying full trying failing trying, over and over. Just a look at this journal shows try and fail uncountable. 

What is Moria? Noise? Habit? Crutch? Procrastination? All of it. I know. There's always a twinge of regret, of noise, of notice that I'm failing. Yet I continue. That's what needs to change. 

Define the goals in the habit trackers for Moria. Today. Start. 

Today could be the day, that you stop doing that self-destructive thing you do. 

____

Back later for more. I have the urge to write and write and bullet and more, but what is there to write. WRITING is not the problem. MORIA is the problem. Don't sit here and write about it! 

Our 'hood in lab was just certified and today the first real sample processed in it.
I set a goal of a lunch walk, and I did it.
I set a goal of M1 after RVLC, and I did it.
I set a goal of Fitness+ something, and I did it. 

I'm winning the day. I hate to say, 'so far', but that's been the trend for the past... 10 years. 

meeting gotta go.