Last day of lab. And of mice?

I walked Nova to the kennel, in the rain, walked back, bus to work - late! On the walk back to the house, Coach Patrick talked about mindfulness and being in the moment. 

Lev had a court event that changed our plans a bit, but with benefits. 

I was just in the mouse house and killed off a bunch of little mice. So hard to do :(

Mayara gave me a bee necklace! Alejandra a small rosary and prayer book. Could that put me in the moment?

I fly to STL today, what a day. A whirl. 

2 more hours here, I want more time and I want less. 

33 more minutes. Then OUT!

600 days

 Last few days, RUN 1-2 miles with Nova every other day

600!! And so much more. 

3.5 more days of work here.
10 days to graduation
79 days to GOAL. More on that later.
106 days of NoS NoF
600 days of no M
1611 days together
1797 days no Balrog.

I think Balrog and work will go out together?!

I start another new life in a few days. NOW. Remember back in 2017 - trying to get down. Then in 2018? Then the 2019 crisis? The 2020 crisis? Then 2021 I started a new life, except M came with me. 

He's still here. Always here. Always, like a predatory cat. He'll pounce if I let him. He scratches me, especially these last few days. 

Remember February Considerable Lentitude? I haven't made progress since then.
Remember the solar eclipse? 
Remember the butterfly phone case?
Remember anything else in the past 3 months that .... held an promise of change?

I'll remember 500 as the time I started NoS NoF.

I'll remember 600 as the time I put the phone away, focused, and went slowly. 

Two weeks on my own

Saturday and Monday RUN just over a mile with Nova!

And yesterday Sunday long walks, and about 15 mins of strength training at home. "strength", you know what I mean.

Both days, conveyor belting.

Both days, lots of Pimsleur with my new phone. I got through ~500-600 speak-aloud questions. I think I'll keep repeating those as I can until my subscription runs out.

Speaking of subscriptions. My LAF gym ended on Friday. I ended the NourishingMeals on Saturday. Today I looked at the Apple Fitness that comes with my new phone, it has 3 months free to try it out. Might be the best three months to do something like this? 

I still don't have a new job and I'm waiting on two email replies about jobs. Frustrating to be told "I can't afford you". 

This week and the next at work, then done. Then we start officially moving out of the Maple house!

I'm burned out on Audiobooks. The last 3 or 4 I've tried to listen to just fail on me. I'm mentally full up. 

I miss Lev, he had a rough morning and I wasn't able to help. He said I was just making it worse. Ugh. 

I prepacked dinner for tonight! And added it to my Goals list. 

I'm looking ahead for a scheduling/journal/method for my Next Life in TN. 

Why so resistant to change?

Yesterday and today: RUN 1 mile with LA

It seems to be all we have time for? Why?! Why so hard to just get things done? Why do I feel like I spend so much time waiting, thinking ahead how things could be different, thinking things should already be different, etc?

Like the July goal. 91 days. In the last 9 days, what's changed? 

Well last night I had water before/during dinner! But I still stood and rushed a random dinner, and still left feeling too full and kinda sick. 

The spreadsheets reflect that too. No change, is no change. 

Tonight, keep the water. And sit down. 

Starting yesterday, I've been low on self esteem (thanks boss) and hard on myself. Sluggish and feeling like I'm missing on something. And yesterday some hormone-symptom changes, that's not helping either with the slug feeling.

4140 Nashville

We did it!! We bought a house. Yesterday, in a there-and-back-again trip to Nashville.

We're almost done here in Michigan. In a month, we'll be mostly moved out, if not entirely so. Yesterday was just one month after Match Day. We could be set such that we're out in two months of it!

SO MUCH CHANGE. This one I'm looking forward to.

But I'm looking forward to also - 

1. Being out of a house that had M. 586 days!
2. Going to a house that doesn't have a Moria. Wow - that would be amazing and sadly I can admit here that when I think about what it will be like to come home to this house, my thoughts to go how I can keep Moria from being there, ever. 

I think, I have that closet. My refuge. When I saw it yesterday, it was smaller than I had in my head. Less of a refuge I guess. But the habit to built is to come home to that. Walk the dog. Or something other than Moria. 

I bought a house, and my thoughts are on M and Moria. I can leave them behind!

Some more stupid math. April 30th or so is 600 days with out M!
Next week is 100 days No S No F

3 more days is 1600 days with LA

I have 93 more days to July Goal. Progress there? Eh....
17 more days of work

24 days until graduation

2024 Eclipse

RUN!! With some walking, 1.5 miles with LA

Our first run in a long time, we really fell off the habit. We are in the thick of being ready to move, but not actually moving. We are STILL waiting for house loan shit to finalize, and just moments ago I got an email from B of A - I haven't opened it yet - hopefully it's good news. But LA wants the other lender, so we wait. Hence, I wait. 

The eclipse is today, starting soon. At 2pm it starts, just after 3pm it totalities. At 2:20 it's a New Supermoon. I have been looking forward to this for 7 years, since the last one. For that I'd planned my trip into Illinois to watch, things have changed. 

Here I go again, thinking Things Will Change, but not because of this eclipse. It's because of ME. 

And I need to keep changing, it's 24 more days until work is done, 31 days until graduation, fucking awesome coincidence 100 days until my July 'date goal', 85 days of No S and No F, 578 days of No M, and 1776 days (freeeedom!!) from The Balrog. 

100 more days, what can I do in 100 days? I like lists....ugh that's a LOT!! 

5x20 lists? 10x10 is too much. Maybe that's what needs to change - the lists. 

What definitely needs to change is like yesterday. Rice, then rice cakes, then rice. Standing! STANDING!? No plan, no measure, no effort. I was tired after a quick Nashville and back trip. It was 131.6 yesterday. 137.2 today. I know, it's not real between dehydration (likely) and carb bloating, but UGH. 

Well, off to see if we can see it... more later!

----

Later on Thursday, days later! This wasn't as stellar as the 2017, but just as great. This morning I was able to meditate on it. I'll change my phone again too, the wallpaper. Done. 

A few weeks left at this job, and listening to the conversation with LN in the next bay, only encourages me to leave quickly. The conversation I had just minutes ago was encouragement too. Interview tomorrow. Only 1, so far? I'm putting a lot of hope on this one. It might not be enough. This weekend, more letters?

And as for the change? I'm aware, but ..... what's happening?! The dog was sick the day after the eclipse and I stayed home with Moria. Then since, Moria. But last night - I stayed OUT. 

April Fooling

1.8. 9-6 at work. Struggle bug day, at the flow cytometer that had to be restarted three time and sample issues and ugh. There was no flow to my cow. Rainy, non evening dog walk. Ate dinner too fast, apparently too much too. That's gotta change. But numbers and jzs feel good. I like that. The house is a mess, lev might not go to MO this weekend, and I'm adding up my vacation days at work being honest as I can. Used 29 days out of 44. So 15 remaining. That flow should have taken only a few hours. Makes me feel incompetent. But I was hurrying, I did try, but. Didn't get to ordering or mouse house.