October weekend with kids

I'm not sure, but Connect says I ran only 6 miles in the last three days. But that doesn't include the Labor Day 5 miles? Probably not, it's Monday morning 00:12. Ugh. We're driving back to Michigan. Another broken up week last week. No gym, no bike rides. We lost Monday and Friday to travel.

Anyway. I did a 43 hour full moon fast. I was definitely ready to end when I did. I will work on building the so-called fasting muscle now, working to 60 hours.

We're planning on doing a trail half mary for my birthday! So I'm training for it, of course I have training plans.

My nutrition was a bit of mess this weekend. It was last weekend too and I still feel the aftermath. I need structure. But right now I'm the car at 00:16 I won't find any.

The post full moon is to my right, with Jupiter nearby. It lights up my lap.

1200 Days of No Balrog

This weekend marks 1200 days of No Balrog. The big Balrog, not the Minion. This is a Full Moon Weekend. This is a Fast weekend.

And it's a travel/kids weekend. And it started yesterday with the Minion putting me to bed. 

When would 1200 days of No Minion be? December 22, 2025. Holy shit that's a long ways away.

And May 30, 2019 is a long ways away. Seems like a lifetime. I went back in the blog archives to see what was going on, and I think that on May 30 I didn't set a decision to stop but rather I stopped days later and back-calculated. On the 30th I was running 20-25 mile trail runs, biking with the group at TrailNet rides, and writing about more schedule changes - like how to run 100 miles in a week and how to get two-a-days in. I wrote this:

                    Morning             Mid              Afternoon
Monday       M bike                                      (upper strength)
Tuesday       S run+plys                                (core)
Wednesday  L run                                         or commute run
Thursday     M run                                        (S or hills bike)
Friday         Rest
Saturday     L bike or run                              (swims good here)
Sunday       L bike or run                              (...and here)

I'm still writing things like this, that hasn't changed.

Numbers: Hennepin 22 days away. Minion 14 hours ago. 16 hr IF for 78 days. Clean until noon 82 days. Stopped the internet 105 days ago. Moved in together 1012 days ago. Balrog 1198 days ago (as of this writing).

Balrog and Move in were only about 200 days apart. They almost touched. 

Well I still want to make a schedule, not sure if two-a-day is possible and certainly a 100 mile week is not possible. I read those old posts, and miss who I used to be. 

What do I really want, I need to start there. That's the goal this weekend. Just figure things out. Plenty of time on the plane, waiting in layovers. 

As if today was May/June 2019 and I realized some hard truths (as I did in early June) and I decided to change - what would that change be? 

Full Moon Fast, again

RUN 3 miles, alone, 30 mins

No commute, took the bus 

I'm flying out tonight to STL, so I bussed it today. 

My head a mess, full of audiobook. My gut a lump, full of yesterday. Those oats...could take a while.

I walked after last night under the near full moon. Telperion. 

I promised myself to keep going and try again. What other choice is there? 

I feel depressed. Lonely. Failing. 

Full Moon Fast

Today - nothing yet, but I want to get to the gym.

Correction - I did COMMUTE 7 miles

No ride home today from LA, he's on his way to FLW. We had only a short walk this morning. No run. 

Today I'm starting a full moon fast. Correction - I started last night 8:10pm after some M of the last of the Orgain and keto granolola.

Correction - because of M, the last of the two items is gone. I wasgonna bring some to break the fast on Saturday, but, well, M was talking. 

So I'm only at 18.5 hours (that much?, feels great!) with only a few mild pangs. Happily the awful mood and foggy brain of the last two days are gone. 

In an odd coincidence, this fast will end on a full moon morning (assuming 64 hours on Saturday, I like to push in to a 72 and really feel the benefit, but I'll be with LA and kids and well it's hard to not eat). And, this fast will end on 1200 days of No Balrog! 

I didn't blog real-time the 63 hours I did a month ago, and I think this time I will. 

DAY 1

Typical morning, and so far typical day. I usually don't eat until I get home. Last time, the drive home was mentally AWFUL and I knew going home meant Nothing. I have some worries about doing this, will I make it, is it a good idea when I'm traveling, what will I do with the time? I wonder if I can eat the chicken in the fridge and still be fasting. I wonder what I can buy at the store to eat and still be fasting. NOTHING! 

I went home, 8pm, anxious, all failed. 

Done with Ruben

RUN 3 miles with LA
COMMUTE 3.5 miles? (assuming I get a ride home)

Another low mood morning, the conversation in the car after phone call yesterday has me distressed. Not to be recounted here, but it's been clanging around in my head overnight. Hard to sleep and think. So I wake up short on sleep (late meal, stress, late to bed) and I'm in an off mood. I just need to escape, it feels like. Escape from the pressures I keep getting. But there is no escape.

LA wanted to run so we did, 1.5 out-n-back. I didn't say much. It was an otherwise great morning, but soured by the 7am appt with Ruben. No LA, he had to leave, and I felt like the entire conversation was just dancing around what needed to be said. But it's not fair to talk about him when he's not there. Ruben asks questions, I'm not into answering and I'm not answering fully, and like I've felt before with him - it's a bit of waste of time. I'm not enjoying it - hearing about how I could be doing different and better. So it was a RELIEF to have him start to cut the cord at the end, and end the call early. He says "I have the tools to improve things, but call or email if you need anything else". 

YES. Done. No more of that. Enough going on in my head, I don't need someone else poking around in there. 

So I'm done - but I'll go back as a couple. 

Labor Day Weekend

Monday RUN 5 miles on I&M path with LA

Over the last seven days, 12.7 miles for me. I didn't run last night with LA. We'd just arrived to my parents and I wasn't ready to leave for a run. I visited, K&J were there too.

I really wanted to launch September better last week, but I didn't make it to the gym as I wanted and I didn't fast as I wanted. Fasting is something that worked and didn't work. I need to find a hybrid plan?

For $97 I can join a podcasts 7 day fasting challenge. But I read the daily learns and I'm not sure what I'd learn. And I paid $1500 in January to get help and, well, you can get all the helps out the ere but you need to ACT on the helps in order for it to work.

And after last weekend travel, this weekend travel, and now next weekend travel, I don't have an extra $97 laying around.

The OMAD felt the best on my gut, but hard on my energy and I tended to overeat at meal. I'd go to bed SO FULL and unhappy.

Really what I need to try now, since OMAD was too much, is 18:6 as 12pm and 6pm and limit to 30 mins. The reason OMAD failed includes the fact that I was eating for 2-4 hours. Ugh, full.

Last night trying to fall asleep I had a thought- that tomorrow (Tuesday after Labor Day) was the 6th, and the 6th was the day in 2018 that it all changed. And I thought WOW I can do it NOW and redo it and it's another chance for me, 6 years - no it's 3 - no fuck it's 4 years already. Four years. Lost? Lived?

I thought, 6th to the 6th, symmetry. But then I woke up and check. Nope. 2018 was the 4th, not the 6th. And I started to give up on the idea. DA FUQ?! Because the number is different ?!?!???

I can still set out to change. But change what. I'm always making changes.

1463 days. 209 weeks. 4 years and 2 days. That's when my perspective on live and my identity and my life overall changed.

I let it fall apart. It didn't have to, but I let it.

What would I do differently if I could do it again?

No M
No azuc
No Balrog
No punishments

Think on this. What can change?

Changes, finally. Good and Bad.

Monday REST! Evening walk

Tuesday STRENGTH 20 mins morning, COMMUTE half, RUN 3 miles evening
Wednesday RUN/WALK 2.0 miles morning

Thursday morning WALK, COMMUTE

Tired after arriving 3am Monday morning from St Robert. Doing what I can that day. Rough day at work as the boss gets after me for coming in late, missing Friday, and "coming in 10-11 and leaving middle of the day". Too many false statements, like the kids are told - don't fight it. We were going to RUN this evening but it STORMED on the way home and I just can't run 8pm and still go to sleep. 

Next day I did make it to the gym and LA and I did an evening run. Felt good! It was 6pm so early enough. Wednesday we had to drop off the car in the morning, we had time and energy for only a 2.5 ish mile walk/run. 

Thursday (today) the stress I've not been mentioning comes to a bit of a peak as we find out maybe what happens with the court orders. LA is terribly stressed, physically sick with worry, and I'm trying to hold together. But that's a separate topic.

Also yesterday, maybe another gall bladder 'attack', starting after lunch and ending overnight. I haven't been eating lunch or breakfast now for weeks, and the week I try eating a small lunch I get this?! Not encouraging. I spent the last few hours at work in misery, laying in the dark conference room to get some meditation in. 

Last night with the stress, a bit of M with Azuc. I didn't like it at all and threw it all away. I derived nothing from it. Today will be day 12 no M!

My energy today is low - can it really still be the low carb thing? I've been doing it for.... a month now...? Am I being honest with myself about it, that I'm really below 50g net? I'm just flagged for energy, even my commute today was lacking spark. And my right knee, back of it lower to the calf, still painfully tight. I thought it was from the right ankle being pained again, that I was compensating. And now my left hip/flexors acting up. UGH.