Failed 20 miler, why and what next

Saturday RUN 12.5 miles
Sunday, Monday Nothing
Tuesday (Today)?

I woke up feeling good and ready, but not excited to run. Today we fly to MO, not until later at night though. But I still had to do laundry, wash and take dog to kennel, get at least a few groceries ready to prep for travel and next week, and pack! All with a 20 miler.

I started at a good time, but relatively late at 10am. I had eggs with some cheese as a pre meal. Not too much, but I knew I should be running and not munching. And I was doing chores, when I could have been running.

Out the door with a fluffy audiobook and no set plan. My mind toyed with the idea that I could run the half mile down to Scio 20 times and I'd be done. Or I could run to the library 10 times and be done. Why does that seem shorter? Mind games.

I was trying to keep distracted from the upcoming events, and did good with that. But I was distracted from everything l, even the run. I just didn't care much.

I promised I'd walk more each mile, and I did. But I still didn't really care. The miles were meh. Each one passed and I was continually trying to boost my mood and self-encourage. Miles 8-10 today felt as sluggish and awful as 18-20 did last week.

I realized around 8 miles that I'd had no caffeine, was that an issue? I started thinking, I could run home and get some, then go back out. Maybe water and salt water just weren't enough today. So I headed for home, also thinking I was done for now. Maybe I'd get some caffeine, wash and drop the dog, then run until I was out of time.

Excuses? An opportunity to quit? Mind games? I was getting distracted by the possibility that I'd be too late to drop off the dog (I didn't know when they closed), and by thinking I'd run out of time. I dunno. I just went home.

There, caffeine, water, cucumber and salt. Dog bath, call kennel and yes I had to drop her soon, aldi, and home where LA is already there. I kept thinking, I can go for more. I didn't. We put gas in the car, stopped at Russian market, packed. There was extra time if I really wanted it. I didn't.

LA suggested we might could run Sunday in MO. We didn't.

And now here Tuesday, probably not going to be able to run today either. Wednesday is registration deadline. What do I do?

LA asked why I don't run the half marathon, because I know I can run that far. I'm my mind, it's a good option, but if I know I can run it then why pay to do it? He said for the metal and the experience and it would let me say I'm racing again.

But money. And time. And travel. I'm full of excuses.

But also, I having a lack of interest right now. And that lack extends into most all athletic endeavors right now. Last week, the idea came up again that I just want to sell my triathlon gear and be done with it. I haven't been on a bike yet this year. I haven't been to the pool since… January or February? I haven't been to the gym since …. early March? What's going on?!

In part, at least, I'm so focused on running that I'm excluding swim, bike, strength. I'm unable to find the time for balance. I'm so fixated on other things. Is it the stress? A real lack of time, or perceived? Will having a set weekend schedule like we will now allow me to advance plan better? Will getting back on trails reinvigorate my running interest?

What if I skip this Toledo event entirely, refocus on triathlon type balanced training? What about Hennepin Hundred? What if I just make that my last big race? What if I switched to small short races for fitness?

Where is my competitive edge? Where is my desire? Will this go away after the stress of the past few weeks?

So many questions. Today is my last day with Coach, unless i opt to continue at $167/month. I don't have to decide that today at least. But I do need to talk to him about this. I need to talk to someone.

The plane is about to land in DTW. But I haven't landed on any answers.

A-->B----Z, but plan it in reverse

Weds RUN 10 miles in 1:48 for 10:51 m/m pace
Thurs REST, maybe a run in the evening

The Reality is A
The Steps are B
The Goal is Z

But plan it in reverse, decide the Goal, Then look at the Reality, and find the Steps to get from A to Z. 

Where did I hear this above? I think maybe James Clear on Peter Attia's podcast.  I'll have to come back to it later. 

The MRI for liver/gallbladder was yesterday, no results yet but I'm getting to where I can ignore this stuff for awhile. Or at least suppress it. 

The run was unexpected - I ran only on a camelbak of water and didn't go out with a really planned route. I had options of a 2x 5 mile loop or a 1x 10 mile loop and still undecided on it - I just started running. Then I cut into cul-de-sacs and neighborhoods and next thing I know I'm at 7 miles and, well, how did that happen?! I've been thinking I need to round all around this little town for miles, but now here I barely left home and found 10 miles? Nice! 

The last few miles didn't feel good. I just wanted to walk but I didn't want to walk, so I slogged. What to change? I dunno, I think it was just fatigue cumulative from having done 20 miles on Sunday? Tuesday's 4 miles felt OK. And today's (Thursday) run of 6 miles will be changed, shortened, or skipped. I just need to rest or else I'll be injured. 

Stressed 4 miler, why so stressed?

RUN 4 miles in 40 mins. It felt faster than that.

I was gonna do the 6 miler, but the morning got late and I didn't have time. Today is one of those days...

845am video surgical consult for gall bladder

9am lab meeting

hmmm, that's kinda hard to do both at the same time. LA wanted me to do the consult, so I was late to meeting. Did I schedule them on top of each other on purpose, so I had an excuse to skip the consult?

Last night LA said he wanted to go to bed early and run in the morning. I went to bed early, didn't stay up to paint or do chores. He didn't, he stayed up to watch archer and read a book (a book that he said he bought for me but I don't want more stuff, so now he's reading it). He came to bed after I fell asleep. 

I woke up my usual 5ish, briefly rested until the dog wanted out at 520. I went down, took care of her and readied my STL tax papers, worked on letter for kids...went back up before 6 so LA didn't wake up alone (he doesn't seem to like it). His alarm was 6am but he snoozed until about 620. I didn't snooze, I just lay there thinking. Wondering when I was going to run. Wondering how to get all my morning take care of. Wondering if I'd have time to run and time to get to my appointments. Just thinking. 

He wakes up and it's back to the conversation about why I'm stressed. This happened yesterday. And again yesterday, and again I think the day before. Well for one it stresses me to keep having someone ask "what's wrong with you". Wrong. 

He's asking me straightforward questions, and I'm giving straightforward answers, but it's not enough. What am I stressed about? 

Well, Monday for one. It's a big deal, it's travel, I disagree with some of the ideas for it. He's looking at a full weekend schedule while at the same time saying "I don't have weekends the next few months", well then why do we want weekends? And if he's not available, then who is? Me? I don't want to travel and be busy every weekend. I want to go for my long runs and bike rides. I want to get my housework done. I want to visit my family too. 

He's talking about moving to NC or TX or somewhere else, asking where I want to live. I want to live in AA. I don't want to think about moving. He doesn't like AA and wants to leave. Now I don't like living in AA, because if I settle in and get my run paths and trails habit going we just have to leave again. I want to enjoy the area and house while we're here. 

Boss MC is talking about me going to Penn to train for the iPS cells. No. I don't want to travel. I want to stay home, not live in hotel. And who would take care of the dog? 

I'm falling behind financially, I'm afraid to look at how much money has been spent. It's another reason I don't want to travel. I want to save money not keep spending it. 

He's talking about retirement and cruises, I just want to enjoy now. 

That's all I wanted to do this morning, is go for a run. Get my stuff done. Have a productive day. 

He was going to run with me, instead he rushes out the door and I'm on my own. But how is it I can feel so "on my own" yet at the same time feel like everyone else gets to dictate my schedule? 

I did the 20-miler, but nearly had a mental break up over it

Friday WasGonna run 10 miles
Saturday WasGonna run 20 miles
Sunday RUN 20.2 miles in 3:46

Whew, what a weekend. Did I talk about Friday's gut issue? I think I did, I lost down to 125 or 126 pounds with fluid imbalance hopefully being only a part of it. Friday night I tried to recover it, but at the grocery I bought greek yogurt, cottage cheese, and something else...., oh yeah PB2, and came home to that for dinner. Not good. Went to bed feeling lonely, full, tired, couldn't sleep at first. 

Saturday morning I slept in until 720am and I dressed to run but the momentum wasn't there. I'll run at 9am, I promised myself. I'll run at 10am, I promised. I took the dog out for a "warm up" walk and realized it was cold out! Windy, cloudy, cold, and all momentum to run died. I was getting anxious, and to finalize the decision to Not run I ate a big bowl of veggies. Of course I continued to eat more of the dairy, and I was bloated and stressed (Rector and Murray calls) all day. On edge, Anxious, Tired, Lonely. Sadly I went to grocery shop for the meal prep and bought peanut butter and chocolate nibbles. Ate too many nibbles. Threw away most of the peanut butter jar. 

Come Sunday morning, I was feeling much better and actually was eager to run. But 132 brought my mood down. It was only a few degrees warmer, but sunny and light winds. Walk dog, a few chores, I ate egg whites, chocolate, cottage cheese, a spooner of peanut butter. Fucking hell. Like I'm trying to not run?! Nope, I ran!!

I wandered the neighborhoods with easy pace, sipping water and walking a bit every mile. I had a Danielle Steel audio book (perfect fluff, so distracting and mindless) and as I wandered I found new places in AA - tennis courts, bike trails, wooded trails, fancy houses, cornfields. I was excited to tell the kids! And I pointed out some neighborhoods to LA who was in MO. 

Around mile 16 I started to run low on will to run. I was mildly hurting, but really it was dehydration (empty Camelbak), the end of the audiobook (the next one sucked), and low energy (I hadn't eaten at all on the run!). I stopped as planned at a Meijer to look for garlic powder ($!) and instead bought celery. That was memorable to run with in the Camelbak - and painful on the collarbone. 

I was at 17.6 when I left Meijer, biobreak and some water in the pack, and so close to home! I finished just before the house and walked. I could have kept going, but needed water and fuel. The last 6 miles would hurt!

What happened over the weekend? Was it imbalances from Friday? Mental shit? Come on, now what's going on. 

I need to draw the line on the foods I've incorporated - they aren't serving me. The chocolate might have been fine, but the PB2, PB, cottage cheese, yogurt, all pushed better foods off the plate. So LIMIT THEM until I see a 124.9. Limit as in NOPE DON'T HAVE ANY. 

Gonna miss the 10-miler this week. But 126! Maybe 125.

Weds 5 miles in 49 ish mins, instead of the 10-miler

Thurs sleep in with LA because he flies out tonight, and I'm tired

Fri nothing?!

OK so I have a few options. I can run tonight after work and after the tax appointment, but it's unlikely. That leaves with with the 20-miler this weekend, and really if I put my energy into that and not the 10-miler I can be happy and probably healthier with that. 

And it's not really 10 miles, it's 9 because I did 5 instead of 4. I'm crazy to think that makes a difference, but I'm trying to make it easier for me to get out the door for this run and even if I only do 2 or 3 or 5 - it's still a run. I'm can be too binary - too either/or - to all or nothing.

And really I was gonna run this morning, but my gut. It's been Fantabulous since working with CPatrick and fixing issues. Have I mentioned yet that I'm eating onion and garlic?! And dairy?! Holy shit, that's been a problem since 2014. 

Well my gut seems to ... stop... every now and then. It could be the travel (long sit times can do this), dairy, low hydration, the salads and more veg I'm eating. Whatever. It just slows down to a stop sometimes, going up to 3-4 days with minimal or no movement. I swell up, and it was starting to hurt this time. I don't know how to describe it another way. Anyway. Last night it was getting to be on the brain all the time. A swollen feeling, mildly painful and definitely annoying. I started taking more magnesium all day with the Calm powder hoping to move things along. I hoped that being home alone after taking LA to the airport would be the quiet time to help this. Nope.

So I broke down and took 2 stimulants. I knew taking it that I'd be risking the run. But I felt rounded out like an egg, and it was really uncomfortable. It was taking the easy way out, I was also sure that time would help too. But I did it. And sure enough, this morning...well you don't need the details. And YES holy cow I was full, hahahahaha! Now I'm empty, but feel drained and worry that were I to run, I'd have more. 

But I woke up to being super thirsty (no wonder, it all went to my gut, thanks osmosis) and slammed down one of LA's green water bottles. I was at 127.2 after that, so 126.2 really. Then after all else above 125.4!!!!!! HOLY SHIT.  Haha, this whole post is about shit of all kinds isn't it?

So now I'm looking over what I've been doing. It doesn't seem all that different from the past 3 months (this started mid-late January). Still 1400/day. Running. No fruit. No bacon. Yes dairy. But NO MONSTER. I'm sitting to eat. I'm removing distractions. And for all that, I'm fitting into my jeans! WIN. 

2+4=6

RUN 2 miles with LA, then 4 miles on my own

Late-ish morning, sun shining and sorta warm at 37F. It feels like spring! 

LA did an out-n-back to the south library, then I did another out-n-back to the Target. I usually do speedwork on Tuesdays but not today. The plan calls for 1200s and I'll do them Thursday in the 4 miler. Tomorrow a 10 miler, and if anything like today it will feel easy.

Yesterday I broke a bit of the Digital Detox and surfed the MSN web while waiting for LA to finish a class (2 hours later than expected). Ugh, so I added that to the Limited List as if it wasn't there already. And just thinking about that surging has me wanting to do it again. Ugh. I don't miss Reddit yet, or ND, but YT and just surfing a tempt.

The sitting to eat is good, managed that yesterday. And the waiting to dinner better yesterday too. But I bounced too much, was distracted by books, and came back at 930 for noms. Easy to fix this stuff!

Axenov Bee!

Rest week complete, with a good 11 miles. Lots of stuff to work on in April.

The Digital Detox

The Emo Eating

The Married Life

The Negative Nag

The Cheese Crisis, haha

The Intermittent Fasting

The Food Bouncing

But I only have time for a short post here. Yet here I sit playing with words. 

I'm married! I came to work today and found my Mich accounts changed to a new name. I need to verify if it's a middle name or a last name issue to decide on next. 

But first, training. I have yet to layout this week's schedule. I learned over the weekend that LA will be out of town next weekend, meaning I can put the 20 miler in on either weekend day. Might try for Saturday and do a back-to-back? Let's open the schedule.

All is good. I'm eating too much cheese, it's like I'm trying to make up for all the months I couldn't eat it. 

I haven't been on Reddit or ND since the 31st, don't miss it yet but I've been busy driving and catching up so let's see how "normal" life feels without it. 

I'm still sitting to eat, but it means I pace and bounce too much. So now I can fix that too.

Ugh this is a hurried mess. 

THIS WEEK: 4+10+6 20+0 =40 miles. 

Next week is the tricky one, and yes I do need the 20 miler on Saturday so I can be rested to do another 20-something soon before we fly back to MO. 

Oh, and do STRENGTH Training!!