Two weeks off, lots to say but don't want to stay here thinking on it

How to type all this up?!

Well, start like usual:

Tuesday July 28th: RUN 6 miles in A2, in about 1 hour. North from apartment and around NE edge of town.

Thursday July 30th: RUN 7 miles in A2, in 1:12! Out-n-back on trail along river, met an MD/Scientist runner working on TBI genetics in mice. 

And that was it. No HIIT, or plyos, or strength. Some walks, but not many.

I should include the driving, to put this last two weeks in perspective. 

Monday July 20th: DRIVE 223 miles to parents house

Tuesday July 21st: DRIVE 310 miles to A2, unpack

Wednesday July 22nd: DRIVE 310 miles back to parents

Thursday July 23rd: DRIVE 450 miles to STL and back to parents

Friday July 24th: DRIVE 310 miles to A2.

Saturday July August 1st: 310 miles to parents

Sunday August 2nd: 223 miles to STL, alone. 

That adds up to 2136 miles. To drive across the US, it's 2500+ miles depending on route. For Siberia, it's 6800 miles. So STFU, right?

Anyway. Damn that's a lot. And all in his truck! And he had the extra trip from St Robert where he started. But this is my blog, so it's just my miles, haha. And to be more accurate, it should say that I RODE ALONG, instead of DRIVE. 

So Monday I'm up early to finish packing and prepare stuff for his arrival from St Robert with the flatbed. It's raining, and plans changing rapidly. We load/unload/hurry and leave for my parents.

Tuesday we drive to A2, and with the god-sent help of his neighbors get all his heavy stuff carried in. Our plans to drive back this night are delayed due to fatigue.

Wednesday back to my parents, talked about what vehicles we need in the future. I say 2, he wants 3. 

Thursday we take the Event Pros trailer to STL and back for the rest of his stuff. A stop at the Russian store, and we leave STL once again.

Friday another drive to A2, now we're both short on sleep and low on patience. But we get there. 

The next days -- unpacking and settling in. His M1 classes Launch on Monday, I keep plans open around his schedule but manage to get to Aldi for foods, Target for errands for house stuff, and get to great runs in. 

I send messages to his mom. Work on my Russian studies. Stay quiet, fix meals, clean up. Really I'm just happy to be around him. The impatience early in the week dissipates and we go back to normal, until again the stress ramps up around the end of the week. The stress is all on me this time, and looking back his explanation of it is correct. I was stressed and sad to leave. I felt bad, and looked for reasons to explain why I felt bad. Like a which-comes-first argument - the physical or the mental symptoms. In this case, I felt bad and mentally filled in the gaps.

First, I though we were leaving Friday and packed up as per my plan. He's delayed by classwork, I get in my Uncertainty Mode of waiting, and we in the end unpack and plan to leave Saturday. This sets me off. Why? I felt the Uncertainty. The floating-waiting-wasting feeling I get with no plans, or without plans going as planned. I leave for a walk, my reset button, and come back to him watching the TV. Ugh. This re-sets me off again, this time for the memory of years ago, feeling ignored for a screen. Now I can't undo the feelings and they simmer. I know it's not him, so I internalize it. But it spills out later when he asks. See above paragraph for how this seems to have come about. And don't ask my gut what it thought of all this. The multiple awful trips to the bathroom Saturday morning as we prepared for the drive back, and the rest of the weekend, ugh. 

Anyway, I mention all this only to say that the stress of this weekend, the events and changes and upcoming Uncertainties will continue to build and peak and build more. I need to get settled into my patterns for comfort and keep occupied!

Our plans to visit on most weekends is a stress-relief and at the same time a stress-inducer. It means I miss my weekends at work, have to re-arrange experiments, have to drive instead of garden and tend house, we lose so much time. But it's once-in-a-lifetime-sorta-kinda in that the weekends we can't visit will accumulate due to exams and mouse schedules and weather. So we have to live while we can, in a way. 

In the background of all this. COVID. Mom's upcoming surgery. My niblings quarantined with my parents while my sister is sick, potentially COVID. Jess's dad's upcoming surgery in STL. My nervousness about having The Talk with my Boss. I haven't touched on these topics here! It's enough for another multiple posts, and I'm sure I'll have ETA sections as I think of more. 

But for now, the segment of my life with LA, which is 8 months as of Sunday the 2nd!!, is over in StL. We'll now live apart longer than we've been together. Next is the challenging year apart, which he promises will go by fast. He's usually right, so I'll accept that as fact and keep rolling on. For now, I'm going to have to manage my stress without unloading it on him, keep my end of the world together in the rush to visit and support, and start the slow shut-down of life here in preparation to move on. 

Cortisone. A Major. Michigan.

After the 2x Thursday run on the 9th of July...

Tuesday RUN 1 mile at track
Wednesday RUN 5 miles, walk 1 mile. Run 55 mins
Thursday BIKE 15.5 miles, 2x TGP and
               COMMUTE home 5.5 miles
Saturday RUN 5 miles in 54:24, walk 1 mile
Sunday BIKE 3X TGP solo

WHOO! Still no swimming, pool still closed. I think. I haven't checked since...oh...the last time I checked.  Haha.

Tuesday. I ran 1 mile then BE showed up. Then we just walked. A brick walk to be sure, and a long one. But just walked. Felt OK, and he shared his recent news about visit to Florida, his dad, and dad's goings-ons.

Wednesday. Ran 5 miles on my 6-miler TGP loop, and when I felt my form give out I walked the rest of it. LA was in St Robert to sign some paperwork, so it was solo. This was a great run, very unlike the 6 miler I tried recently in Forest Park. In that run, I just wanted to walk and walk. This I wanted to run, and only walked a few times. See below for discussion on this. And -- no hip/hamstring pain still.

Thursday. On the bike to work, I did 2 TGP loops. These were slower than expected! 17:11 and 17:08. Then I bike to LA apartment (last time for that!), then to work. Then commute home. All felt great, no issues with the hip bone. Just some chafing from wearing non-biking shorts.

Saturday. Same run as Wednesday, and same feeling and times. LA out with his kids, so another solo. See below for more on this. This run also felt great, didn't suffer the rest of the day, no pains, no issues at all.

Sunday. Today! 3x TGP since I won't be able to join BE tomorrow. I was shocked to see my sub-17 times: 16:57, 16:38, 16:24!! Whoa, big difference from Wednesday!  This felt wonderful, and I didn't mind the puppies and kids and all the people sharing the park with me. I weaved and enjoyed my music and sunshine and the feeling of flying on Puppy. I did get some right hand numbness, foot soreness, and I count them as just "adapting" pains.
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OK. Training review done. Now onto deeper topics.

First off, the 24 hour urine test came back normal for cortisol, but elevated (180) cortisone. I don't know what that means. But Dr A came back "mystified" (nice) and suggested I talk to Dr S. I'll do that after Michigan. I see him in Sept.

While on that topic, so far since the 7th of July my energy levels have been GREAT. No slump, no suffer, no pains in the boobs. I'm awake and zippy and strong, when I hit the gas to accelerate I actually speed up. What that heck?! I started tracking all these symptoms, there's a cycle to it I think.

What's changed? Since June 22 no dairy. Since July 1st no added sugar. And sometime in between my multivitamin ran out and I haven't bought more. Just adding that last one for purposes of being detailed. Also, the end of June was stressful for me, thinking that LA would be gone on the 1st to visit with his kids. But I'm not sure that's what's causing the symptoms, see next.

He didn't get to visit with the kids, so I got him for another 17 days!! While I want him to spend time with the kids, I'm also happy to take what I can get. So now it's just the stress all over again, but this time no symptoms. I got teary-eyed, sad, stressed. But not fatigued, swollen, and listless. So dairy and/or sugar or some other perhaps-homormal changes?

As for LA, on the Friday without any training we got up at 4am for what I thought of as our "last day". The last day of our lives as it is in STL, before he weekends with the kids then moves away on Monday. If I could write the script of the last day, this would be it: We spend the day as we normally spend our days. Errands or dog walks or helping each other out. And that's pretty much what we did. I didn't get any training (wanted to run) and only 5K or so steps done, but instead helped him with Disney preparations, lawyer meeting, and etc. Late in the day we went to errands, and he checked his email to find he's been promoted to MAJOR!!!! WHOA!!!! I'm terribly excited for him, but it's tempered by tears that want to overflow. I tell myself, I can cry all I want after he leaves Saturday.

Then Saturday comes around, we're up again at 4am to pack. And after he leaves I'm like a lost puppy. Doing Duolingo (50+ day streak!), munching foods, running, working, ALDI'ing, eating. Not feeling good, I can feel the pain of the last few days built up in my gut. I sleep poorly, have trouble tipping into sleep until I turn on Joe Rogan.

Sunday, starts off like Saturday with the same lost puppy feeling. Over-munch more, bike ride, work. Still at work. LA is packing his storage shed (alone, his friend stood him up, and I can't help him from here) and I am realizing that's how life will be a lot for the next year. We can't be there when we need each other. Ugh.
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Tomorrow he comes back to STL with the trailer. We pack the house, then the apartment, then drive to Oglesby. Then Tuesday to A2 (and today starts a new blog tag: A2!). Tomorrow at 12:33 pm is a new moon. I LOVE me some moons with auspicious coincident type feelings.

I have goals. Of course! I want to see if a leptin reset protocol (bunk science, but bear with me) helps how I feel. I'm struggling to find what else I can do! So a high protein M1, 3 meals no snacking, and low carb -- in summary. Right now I"m 180-200g carbs a day! Berries and potatoes mostly. Nothing junk at all, but still not seeing or feeling results in body shape.

So I plan to establish some other goals too, to keep my from being that lost puppy while I adapt to my new life. I gotta stop my Reddit addiction, yeah it's back. I've stopped NextDoor at least. The leptin thing. Running. Get the house cleaned. Get a tight schedule for work so I can leave to visit on weekends. Etc. Shit like that.

6 Liters

RUN 4.5 miles in about 50 mins, as 2.4 miles in 25 mins alone, then 2.1 miles in 25 mins with LA

I wanted 3-4 miles and LA wanted "a couple", which he defined when prompted as "2". Sorry hon, but "a couple" is vague-ish, LOL.  To accomplish this I ran first 2 miles then came back to the house so he could join me for the final two miles. My route was my Arsenal to Grand to Wyo loop. His was the St Agatha to brewery to around the park loop. All felt good, it was hot and stuffy, but as I like to tell myself -- I'm grateful to run so whatever it is, it is.

Yesterday I was off work and did the 24 hours urine test for cortisol as ordered by DrA. They gave me a 3L jug and I commented that it might not be big enough -- i know I drink 3-4 L a day. LA pointed out that 1-plus liter is lost via breathing, pooping, and sweating, and so I figured I'd be OK.

Did as specified -- get up to pee in toiled, then start collection. This is so that only 1 "waking up" pee is collected since there is a cortisol spike that wakes you up. Cool to know. But by 4pm I realized my first jug would be FULL by nightfall and I acquired a second one. Now I'm self aware of the amount, and I actually pause drinking between 4-6pm, but then I'm thirsty! I start to wonder if my thirst is a symptom or a habit?

I drink my usual at and after dinner, head to bed. I wake up at 430am and I actually overfilled the collection hat??!?!?! I lost maybe 50-100ml?? I dumped it to the jug, then finished pee'ing. I pee'd more than a liter at once, hahahaha?!?!?!? But what da fuq!?  By the time 7:46am came around and I collected the last speciman, my second jug was full.

Six (6) fucking liters of pee in 24 hours. Holy Shit. Er, rather, Holy Piss!!  haha. 

So what does that mean?! I'm going to start using the Water recording in MyFitnessPal, do I really drink that much water!? And am I doing this by habit? I saw something about psychogenic thirst, yikes!

But yeah, I'll drink until I can throw up. My gut will bloat and hurt. And I just want more.

I started drinking the sweetened water around April or so, then stopped on June 30 because of the fake sugar content. And the thought I had that it only made me want to drink even more. But here I was buying it because I wanted to drink more. And now I'm still thirst even if I'm not drinking it. Habit? I dunno.

Null test result

RUN About 1.25 miles, out of total 3 mile on track
COMMUTE 2.6 to track, and 9.2 to work

Ugh I finally got my phone and Garmin to talk to each other again, after failing to Pair them a few days ago.  Well Done, as the app tells me.

Last night prior to the blood draw I reviewed my prior thyroid test results. I have many.

March 2014 T4free 0.59 (0.59-1.17)  and TSH 2.71(0.3-4.2)
April 2015   T4free 0.74 (0.59-1.17)  and TSH 1.14
Oct 2018      T4free 0.95 (0.9-1.7)  and TSH 1.76
Nov 2018     T4free 0.84 (0.9-1.70 and TSH 3.79

so always borderline low T4free and TSH within normal ranges. Physiologically, is this normal.

Then later in the day, the TSH comes back at 1.84, within normal range. No other tests, I guess? I didn't ask what tests would be performed, and I regret that I didn't.

I did reply back this morning that I'm going to persist on this issue. LA pointed out that I should be more direct and ask for what I want. I regret I didn't do that, but I still can.

I'm feeling relatively good so far today, awake and "together". I don't think the TSH result can fluctuate up and down quickly and reflect my up and down weeks and days? I'm feeling OK, but didn't have the energy to run much more this morning.

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BE and I walked this morning, only ran about 1 mile! Walk and talk, and just enjoyed the sunrise and conversation.

My 6 months test is over, I'm not better

In January I had a mental and physical falling out of my health. This had been building all of 2019 and maybe part of 2018 -- and grew into anxiety attacks, destructive behaviors, depressive and moody episodes. As 2020 rolled in and I had a series of bad medical appointments in January, I committed to 6 months of dedicated healthy lifestyle changes. Sleep, nutrition, rest. Cut back on training. Slept better than ever (and without the benedryl to help, like part of 2019). Cut out caffeine for the most part (which I also used in parts of 2019). Positive changes all around socially and personally. And thanks to Covid, plenty of rest.

Yet I still don't feel good. The fatigue episodes seem to come and go, but I'm always tired. And not "I just ran a lot" tired. Like, underwater tired. I have mood swings up and down. LA tells a joke and I can't process it to laugh or reply. I watch a movie and don't follow the plot well. I can't think to read a recipe or lab protocol. My work is suffering, I can't read a paper or article to follow it. My memory seems OK though, and I'm slowly learning Russian. I want to work out but I have no energy. There's no acceleration or zip, the effort is way higher than it should be. I'm not responding to basic Couch-to-5K schedules, not to strength training 101 type stuff. I feel weak, tired, heavy, sluggish - mentally and physically.

Then there's more. Since early 2019 I've been having leg aches, like I was hit with a blunt object in the femur. Like my bones hurt, not the joint or muscle. These have continued and they disrupt sleep and rest. Sometimes when I wake up in the morning everything hurts, even when I quit running and biking in March and April. My boobs are HUGE and swollen, painful and heavy. At first they seemed on a monthly schedule of pain and swell but now it's constant. My weight is the highest it's maybe ever been and it all came on in 2019 in 5-10 lb gains that seemed overnight (Might could blame M and B?). A low calorie and careful diet only stalled the weight gain. I'm not losing any weight in spite of exercise, cutting out dairy and grains and sugar. Stopped M 26 days ago and no change. Stopped Azul at the same time, no change. I'm always cold, sleeping under blankets when it's 74F in the house at night. I feel swollen and soft, is that the weight gain? I'm clumsy and uncoordinated, tripping over things and stumbling down steps. I'm avoiding trail running because of this. I had trouble sleeping all last year, but it's better this year, maybe thanks to LA, or just being diligent about it? I have constipation, along with gas and bloating. (You'd think I'd be happy to have the IBS-D gone, but...). Since around April, I'm so thirsty on some days I can drink myself sick (that might have been due to the addictive nature of the fake sugar water I was drinking? I stopped it on June 30th to test it). Since May, the left half of my face spasms and tics, some days feels like it's not moving right. Sometimes my speech is slow and confusing, sometimes slurred.

So I start off emailing Dr McM, given the boobs issue. Maybe it's hormones. Maybe it's the Mirena, maybe this or that, but she can't order a thyroid panel so I should contact Avery. So last Thursday, I did. (I didn't mention my boobs, terribly self-conscious about them, almost hate them). He recommended a thyroid test, as I was "borderline low" in 2018 after the cholesterol results.

I checked this result, my free T4 was 0.84, and the normal range was 0.9 and up. My TSH was 3.97, and normal is up to 4.00.  I remember mulling these numbers and wanting more info. But I didn't seem as symptomatic then, given I was still running a lot they seemed to think I was OK. And subclinical probably doesn't indicate Rx treatment.

Anyway, that was last Thursday, and over the weekend I kept myself from getting too hooked on the idea of my thryoid being to blame for this. But it's an easy path to follow. I've made so many changes, what more changes can I make before becoming pathological and obsessive? My self esteem is low, due to physical appearance. My consideration of myself as an athlete is gone, I feel like a fat newb slugging around the park with all the other newbs. I think I should cover the M-dot tattoo that I don't feel like I should be able to wear. I don't recognize what I see in the mirror. I feel like I'm trapped in the wrong body. This has been going on for over a year!!!

So in 45 mins I get the blood test, and then I wait. I'm kinda hoping it shows  that something is off because even though it's another Condition to have, at least it's an explanation! If it shows healthy ranges, THEN WHAT do I do?!

I've been holding off on looking at hypothyroid symptoms, but here they are. Before I look and paste it in, I've highlighted above my symptoms. I'm trying to avoid bias here. Underlined if I think I have the symptoms:

Hypthyroidism signs and symptoms may include:

• Fatigue
• Increased sensitivity to cold
• Constipation
• Dry skin
• Weight gain
• Puffy face
• Hoarseness
• Muscle weakness
• Elevated blood cholesterol level
• Muscle aches, tenderness and stiffness (I didn't know this was a symptom!)
• Pain, stiffness or swelling in your joints
• Heavier than normal or irregular menstrual periods (N/A)
• Thinning hair
• Slowed heart rate -- (always have this)
• Depression
• Impaired memory
• Enlarged thyroid gland (goiter)

Jeezus fucking Christ. I need this test. I need answers.

I looped Forest Park!!

RUN 6 miles as 1 mile run/1 min walk. Forest Park loop. 1:13 including the 5 minute CD walk at the end.

I woke up planning to run early. LA is off with his kiddos and I was on my own. I got up and dressed in good time, but after walking the dog my energy tanked. I wanted a nap, but I wanted to run! By this time it's 8am. I decide to eat a bit (banana, eggs, walnuts, ghee) and see if it helps. Nope. By now it's 9am, I decide to go to work and run while my PCR is going. 

But this amps up my anxiety. I was already anxious about not "wanting" run, more like "not being able" to run, maybe. The anxiety was vague and non-specific, and even going to work didn't calm me. Ugh. 

I'm getting PCR and shit done at work, and keep thinking Gotta Run, but I keep putting it off. In a few minutes. In a half hour. After I get this done. Postponing. It wasn't until 3pm that I got out the door, feeling flat and un-energized. My usual lately. See tomorrow's posts about this. 

Off I go, the cloud cover giving me some break from the heat and sun. I brought my old SE phone for music and enjoyed the next hour of no distraction running. 

My 3 run goals: finish the loop; walk if needed; don't get hurt. Simple, eh?

I took the CCW loop from work, enjoyed the Jefferson lab upper trail, the wood bridges behind the stream, the new trees and signs for Covid and all the other people out. But my mood was flat and at one point in mile 2 I felt an urge to cry. WTF? 

I walked 1 minute per mile, this wasn't a complete rest but any more and it wouldn't feel like I ran the loop. I was thrilled to reach the other end of the park, and as per in-run goal #4 I DID NOT walk up Skinker Hill! 

Then I was thrilled to be over half way, but by this point I'm low on energy. It's the same lack of energy I had before, but the mental push is wearing out. But I don't seem to know how to stop, so I keep going on my 1 mile/1 minute schedule. I push. Push. Push, TRUDGE, until 6 miles near the soccer fields. Then like a switch, motivation is gone. I thought about running at least a bit more so I could "beat" last week's 6.2 miles but it was a no-go. I walked 5 mins, then stopped the garmin. 

YAY! I didn't specifically hurt anywhere afterwards. Still that tight butt-crease hamstring pain later, and some right-side lower back spasms that more likely were from yesterday's Abs session. 

I DID IT!! Next up, work towards the full run without (or at least minimal) walk breaks. 

July! The month I've been dreading is here

Wednesday HIIT 10+10 minutes
Thursday RUN 1.3 miles and then WALK 3.3 miles
              COMMUTE 9.2 miles
               HIIT {add in}

Hello July, I've been dreading you. Let's not linger on that. Yet.

Time for some July goals:
1. RUN my TGP loop, walk only if needed
2. Establish Follow a HIIT routine
3. Don't fall apart the last two weeks

Simple enough, right?

The HIIT stuff I'm still trying to pick out. I have a few apps, a YMCA daily email, and another website 12-week thing I'm doing. So far, I've been doing multiple a day to get 20-30 minutes. Feels good! But repetitive. Suck it up.

The run today was LA "up and early" out the door, took me by surprise. I wasn't ready to run, but I realized on the drive to FoPa that I'd be fine with out my usual morning routine. That it was the pull of habit I was fighting, not him or the schedule. Once I had that, I was better. But feeling out of control a bit.

Gorgeous morning -- warm, humid, quiet, still, light mist, sun not up yet. We beat the sun! He parked on Clayton near the lake and we could see the hospital - a pretty view with pink and blue background and light foggy air. I wasn't sure how far he wanted to run, I'd planned the loop because he kinda mentioned it. I wasn't sure either if I was ready for the full loop, but hey, let's face this out of control feeling and find out!

Turns out he wanted to run this like it was his "last" FoPa run, and wanted to follow his usual route - along the interstate - and I unintentionally over-rode that by turning at the horses. To me, the paved route is a bike lane and too noisy, I rarely run it. He didn't turn back, I felt more loss of control, this time in that I couldn't get things right for him. Ugh. Let it go.

We only ran 1.28 miles in 3 segments. He needed a bathroom (so did I, but my gut rather wait until I get home), the bathrooms were locked up in a bout of COVIDITY, and so we ended up walking back as the sun came up. I was worried he was sick, I was wondering if I would be sick (I was a bit later, but OK now, thanks for holding on, gut-astic work), and that feeling that I was out of control subsided. I have control issues.

So he's at home now, and I'm at work. I'm not sure if he's sick or stressed or what. But as the run ended and we had our usual politico-debate meltdown (I learn so much from him but at what cost?), I made breakfast while he ate bread and canned baba ganoush, we ate breakie - he ate only some, he walked dog and I did dishes, then he disappeared for a shower and nap. I was kinda left to wonder what I should do? So I got my shower after he did, went to bed and cuddled a bit thinking he felt sick, he fell asleep while I didn't. I didn't know what to do. I wasn't falling asleep. I had a list of things to do. I could get things done, come home and just rest with him. So that became my goal.

But I'm still unsure, and my mind tumbles over it. Should I have stayed? He was really falling asleep. What woke him up at 5am this morning to run? What caused the in-brekkie energy and mental shift?

All this for me is just more mental stress, and now I'll get to the topic of July. Since January I've known he'd probably leave for med school. Since February I've suspected it would be Michigan. Since March (?) I've known that July was moving-out month. And here it is. I'm looking at our last days together in St Louis, the last days of the life we have here before it all changes. And I start to tear up just typing this.

I'm happy for him, I'm happy for us. He gets his dream of med school, I get my life rebooted from a stall, and I get that with him. So much to look forward to - new house, new job, new running paths - but it's all a year away. And that year weighs heavily on me.

I'm worried I'll fall into old coping mechanisms and habits. Box checking and obsessive things that calm my mind. [Speaking of which, 3+ weeks of no M!]. Sure, I'll have weekends I can spend with him. But the day-to-day stuff I'll miss the most. Waking up to him. Seeing him come down the steps in the morning. Dog walks. Sitting at the table (even if the chair hurts my leg). Errands. House stuff. Shower. Bed. And all the stuff in between. It will all feel so empty.  What will I fill it with?

So on that note, I have another 35 mins here at work. Then the pharmacy opens and I can be done at work. I'm working Fri Sat Sun I think because he's off with his kids. Friday still an unknown, but if he's at home then I plan to be as well enjoying my paid holiday. See, it's possible that he gets his kids next week (it was possible that he'd have them on the 1st-14th) and if that happens I don't see him at all. Tearing up again. I'd never pull him away from the kids, I encourage all the time he can get, and yet I'm selfishly wanting more time. I know better though. I'll have him for the next years! And I have him the next day or two! So get the fuck home.