Thursday RUN 1.3 miles and then WALK 3.3 miles
COMMUTE 9.2 miles
HIIT {add in}
Hello July, I've been dreading you. Let's not linger on that. Yet.
Time for some July goals:
1. RUN my TGP loop, walk only if needed
2.
3. Don't fall apart the last two weeks
Simple enough, right?
The HIIT stuff I'm still trying to pick out. I have a few apps, a YMCA daily email, and another website 12-week thing I'm doing. So far, I've been doing multiple a day to get 20-30 minutes. Feels good! But repetitive. Suck it up.
The run today was LA "up and early" out the door, took me by surprise. I wasn't ready to run, but I realized on the drive to FoPa that I'd be fine with out my usual morning routine. That it was the pull of habit I was fighting, not him or the schedule. Once I had that, I was better. But feeling out of control a bit.
Gorgeous morning -- warm, humid, quiet, still, light mist, sun not up yet. We beat the sun! He parked on Clayton near the lake and we could see the hospital - a pretty view with pink and blue background and light foggy air. I wasn't sure how far he wanted to run, I'd planned the loop because he kinda mentioned it. I wasn't sure either if I was ready for the full loop, but hey, let's face this out of control feeling and find out!
Turns out he wanted to run this like it was his "last" FoPa run, and wanted to follow his usual route - along the interstate - and I unintentionally over-rode that by turning at the horses. To me, the paved route is a bike lane and too noisy, I rarely run it. He didn't turn back, I felt more loss of control, this time in that I couldn't get things right for him. Ugh. Let it go.
We only ran 1.28 miles in 3 segments. He needed a bathroom (so did I, but my gut rather wait until I get home), the bathrooms were locked up in a bout of COVIDITY, and so we ended up walking back as the sun came up. I was worried he was sick, I was wondering if I would be sick (I was a bit later, but OK now, thanks for holding on, gut-astic work), and that feeling that I was out of control subsided. I have control issues.
So he's at home now, and I'm at work. I'm not sure if he's sick or stressed or what. But as the run ended and we had our usual politico-debate meltdown (I learn so much from him but at what cost?), I made breakfast while he ate bread and canned baba ganoush, we ate breakie - he ate only some, he walked dog and I did dishes, then he disappeared for a shower and nap. I was kinda left to wonder what I should do? So I got my shower after he did, went to bed and cuddled a bit thinking he felt sick, he fell asleep while I didn't. I didn't know what to do. I wasn't falling asleep. I had a list of things to do. I could get things done, come home and just rest with him. So that became my goal.
But I'm still unsure, and my mind tumbles over it. Should I have stayed? He was really falling asleep. What woke him up at 5am this morning to run? What caused the in-brekkie energy and mental shift?
All this for me is just more mental stress, and now I'll get to the topic of July. Since January I've known he'd probably leave for med school. Since February I've suspected it would be Michigan. Since March (?) I've known that July was moving-out month. And here it is. I'm looking at our last days together in St Louis, the last days of the life we have here before it all changes. And I start to tear up just typing this.
I'm happy for him, I'm happy for us. He gets his dream of med school, I get my life rebooted from a stall, and I get that with him. So much to look forward to - new house, new job, new running paths - but it's all a year away. And that year weighs heavily on me.
I'm worried I'll fall into old coping mechanisms and habits. Box checking and obsessive things that calm my mind. [Speaking of which, 3+ weeks of no M!]. Sure, I'll have weekends I can spend with him. But the day-to-day stuff I'll miss the most. Waking up to him. Seeing him come down the steps in the morning. Dog walks. Sitting at the table (even if the chair hurts my leg). Errands. House stuff. Shower. Bed. And all the stuff in between. It will all feel so empty. What will I fill it with?
So on that note, I have another 35 mins here at work. Then the pharmacy opens and I can be done at work. I'm working Fri Sat Sun I think because he's off with his kids. Friday still an unknown, but if he's at home then I plan to be as well enjoying my paid holiday. See, it's possible that he gets his kids next week (it was possible that he'd have them on the 1st-14th) and if that happens I don't see him at all. Tearing up again. I'd never pull him away from the kids, I encourage all the time he can get, and yet I'm selfishly wanting more time. I know better though. I'll have him for the next years! And I have him the next day or two! So get the fuck home.
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