Mental shit from 2017

Last thoughts on the year.

I kept having odd moments, when doing something other than running, where my mind would jump to a trail. Brushing my teeth, mind goes to that long slow climb on Hamburg. Walking the dog, mind goes to Greensfelder. Over and over and over again.

This mental shift wasn't always pleasant. Sometimes it was anxiety-inducing. A shot of adrenaline. It made me feel alone. I'm not sure what caused this, but I have some ideas.

One idea is the stress caused from the last few months of 2016 training. I was mostly running alone with only a podcast to keep my company. (I can't remember right now were TV was, except he was on a different 100 schedule, did he have an injury?). At the same time I wanted to be alone. I wanted only that non-dynamic won't-reply voice in my head. I was pushing hard to run, compelled to run even through the injury pains in the hip and shin. It was a sort of damaging therapy?

Another idea is that I'm afraid of never getting back to them again? Do I miss them? Not sure about this, I definitely needed a break from them after 2016. I wouldn't call this a yearning feeling, like I'm feeling the pull to return to the trails or an acute loss. That's not quite the description I'd give this.

I do want to go back, I do miss them. The trees. Dappled shade. The corner you can't see around. The feeling of descending a hill, pushing uphill, the feeling of having accomplished something. That I'm lacking right now.

The memories from last fall aren't always pleasant. There were some moments....won't define or describe them more. I know what they were. M was involved....

But sometimes while washing dishes I can see the trail ahead of me, I can feel the summer heat and weight of the camelbak. Like a burn on the retina. Like a track that I get on that holds me and leads me.