COMMUTE 6 miles
SWIM ??
Did this indoors because I wanted to focus on the sprints. Instead of going through it once, I repeated each set: 5hard/5fast, 5/5, 4/4, 4/4, 3/3, 3/3, 2/2, 2/2, 1/1, 1/1. It averaged out to 16.7-ish mph?! I'm disappointed with the overall pace! Is that for real? At one point during the workout I even moved the bike computer thinking it wasn't reading correctly!
I have the OWS tonight, kinda throws my schedule off, but it's so far off anyway...
I can't tell if I'm tired or depressed. All morning long I lacked energy (it wasn't the bike computer) and even now at 1030am I'm sitting here tired and unhappy. I can think of a few explanations:
1. I'm dehydrated.
2. I'm underfueled.
3. I'm tired because it's freaking PEAK WEEK.
But there's another undertone I can't ignore. I just don't feel happy. What's missing? Why do I feel jealous when I see others working on their yards while I'm commuting in? Why do I get frustrated and upset with the dog when she wants to be walked? Why can't I sit down and enjoy a meal, it always needs to be "gotta hurry gotta go".
RM recently told me something that struck me, and I need to act on it. Paraphrased:
I'm the only person responsible for my own happiness.
So...I've asked this before, it's even a tag on this blog: What Would Make Me Happy, Right Now? I mean, besides a nap.
Let's start by asking, what, specifically,am I unhappy about. Then look at what I can do about it.
1. I feel like I can't get anything done. Everything feels half-assed, unfinished, lazed through. This morning, while dragging my feet about coming to work, I worked through 2 items on my to-do list. Finishing each made my sorta happy! I forced a smile. Yesterday I ran my BS errands and after dinner did some house cleaning. That felt good too, and again I forced a smile.
This problem probably stems from being overbooked in life at the moment, and also from the realization that I'm going to leave my current job without things being finished. Peak week takes a lot of hours, but I enjoy that stuff. It's the rest of it making me unhappy. Messy house, unfinished business. How to fix that?
It will start to resolve here soon enough. Less than a month at the job, and peak week is almost half done. So be patient on this one.
2. I feel so worn out, so tired, flat, un-engaged. OK, again, it's peak week. If you aren't tired, then you aren't doing it right! But when I get tired I tend to stare at internet forums, essentially Blerching away time. Come to think of it, staring at internet forums is a pretty un-engaging activity, isn't it?! No wonder I get on a bad track, lose time, and feel the momentum sucked out of me. Maybe I should delete those sites from my iphone until after the race. What I've done the last few nights is come home and have dinner over internet forums. (see point 3 below for more on that).
OK Done. I just deleted all the bookmarks on the phone. Now what to do instead? Sit with the dog. Nap on the patio. Pull some weeds, dust the house, hit the to-do list...plenty of things! This is especially frustrating to realize that I feel like I can't get anything done, yet I waste time Blerching on internet forums!
And OMG I can't even focus on this post, I keep opening another window to go find something else to read!! ARG!!!! I just used that New Tab to look up smartphone addiction...found 18 Things You Miss Staring While Staring At Your Phone. It hurts to read: Silence, taste of coffee, a good meal, the smile of a dog, natural light, and more. Ugh, it hurts. But it can be fixed! I need to unplug from that problem and replug into life.
3. I'm not taking care of myself, but I'm obsessing about it. My nutrition dilemma is driving me a bit crazy, I spend too much time wondering what to eat, if I can eat it, do I have enough, why do I feel hungry, why am I so full, etc? I've been tracking my nutrition, sorta lazily, to keep an eye on things. But I don't have goals for it, I'm just tracking. Although it helps to find problems after the fact, I'm not doing this right.
I'm making meals that aren't that good. Today I put on a bed of spinach some ground beef, some mushrooms, some eggplant caponata, and mung bean sprouts. How did I come up with this? Protein, fat, 2+ veggies. I'm eating foods we have on hand that I picked at the store because I felt like I should eat them, not really because I wanted them. I'm also forcing food down sometimes, I'm not at all excited to eat it! Where's the oh nom nom feeling I should have about food? Again...it's peak week.
It's likely related to how tired I am. I'm not inspired to prepare nice meals, I'm not inspired to eat them! It takes time that I don't have much of right now. This past day or two all I want is my sweet potato batter mix, some quinoa flakes, some protein powder...voila a meal. That's not a meal! That's lazy comfort food!
Maybe I should let myself eat what I want? But would I feel better lazing out and eating a pile up of carbs and fake protein food? Eh, not really. So what is the fix?
I have the ingredients on hand to make the kale sweet potato brekkie, haven't done it yet. So..DO IT! Quit eating dinner over an iphone, sit down and eat from a plate. Enjoy the food, don't force it down.
I think in summary, W2M2HRN is just getting things done, not wasting my time, and taking better care of myself. Remove the iphone, hit the to do list. Hide the iphone, and enjoy the meal. Hmmm, I see a pattern here.....
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