Fonta Flora 50 registration! Cayate success.

I'm sure not running much for someone who's registered for a 50K in just under 90 days!?

Fonta Flora in Nebo NC. I was in NC on my 40th for B2B, now again on the 50th.

Cayate was a good rebuke, oddly the correction continues, and I don't mind. In fact, the habit was easy to switch off. What happened before? Stress?  

Long walk/run and cayate 3

RUN/WALK Sunday in Peeler Park - 10.4 miles in 2.5 hours, mostly walking fast (1:38) and slow running (53 mins). Hot and felt great, but right hip hurting by the end. Need strength there!

I didn't pick the park, the time of day, the distance, the pace - and I need to let go of the resentment over it. I wanted to run 6-7am, not 9-10am. I wanted to run 5-7 miles, not 10+. And I didn't want to drive anywhere far to do this. But it's done.

Then we get home and I want to have lunch with LA. He says yes, I wait and wait and wait, I give up at 20-30 mins and he's upset. 

I said last week that I'm not going to keep cooking unappreciated "meh" meals on my own and he's upset. My cooking "sucks", according to him. He references my failures (as he understands them) in my previous marriage, good thing he was there to witness it so it makes his argument stronger. 

I'm pissed. In the end I wanted HELP with this. I spent my Saturday mowing and helping with truck and garbage disposal repair. I spend my Sunday having him upset because I keep "telling him what to do" and then cooking ALONE for HOURS while he's in bed sleeping and watching his phone. Fucking great. He said he'd help, I asked him to chop veg. He walks by and claims my knife won't cut anything. Well it cut all your fucking veggies, so it cuts. 

And so do the words. He compares me to a russian wife. I'm not a russian wife. He says my cooking sucks. I say, then do your own cooking. He says his cooking sucks too. He tells me to "learn" as "that's my job" not his, he only knows how to fix things and kill things. I want to say, then LEARN. 

So I end up in the kitchen alone cooking for hours. Literally, hours. I'm not making that up. I started around 3-4 and finished a bit after 7. He keeps asking, come snuggle with me. I'm still cooking, I say. You know, the lunch that sucks that you still want me to make but won't help me with? He wants to sleep and watch TV while I work. WTF. 

Then to top if off, slava claims that dad is right, the woman belongs in the kitchen and that's "what I believe". Well your beliefs suck. If that's what heaven will be populated with, then send me to hell. 

As for cayate, I'm quiet. Fuck you all. I get to play my podcasts and music. I keep my thoughts to myself. I bite back talking to myself. The car rides are quiet. Got what you wanted. I'm OK with this, but Slava starts pacing and making what he might think are annoying noises but it's 90% tuned out until he apologizes for the noise. He did stop apologizing at least. I don't ask for help. I don't ask for things to get done. I don't share thoughts. I don't join conversations. If it needs to be said, I'll say it. But otherwise fuck you all. 

One more week. Unfortunately, the kids might think my quiet is sulking after yesterday, but it's not. LA apologized this morning for "being shitty" to me. I haven't forgiven yet. Certainly haven't forgotten. How could I forget any of this?! 

LA wants me to register for the race. I mentioned I wanted to do a race, he invited himself along. THat's fine, two is fun. I mentioned two races that are nearby, he picked the race that I'm not really interested in. I guess that's fine too, or is it - that he's picking all this? I want him to sit down and review the race with me but I've asked 3 times (or more) and nothing back from him. Now he wants me to register!? Am I paying for him too? He invited himself along for the race I'm not wanting to do, he won't review or look at races with me, and I'm guessing I have to pay for the race I don't want to do? WTactualF?!

Well I looked yesterday and the race is sold out. It's been sold out since mind June. Like a blessing in disguise? I'm looking at the alternate races. If he doesn't like them he can stay home. I don't want him to stay home, but I don't want to hear all this shit either. 

Cayate follow up

I was easily quiet last night. At first when I come home slava is sullen and moody, I just igorned him after the usual "how was your day". He said he did nothing, and I smiled and said "like usual" but he cut me off before I could even say it. Like he said he did nothing just to set me up (Because he spent the day working on clay, that's why it also felt like a set up). I left and went for a walk. 

In the end, he came to me to talk. Walked around lost while I drew on Bella, in/out of fridge, pantry, pacing, talking.  Haha, I'd resolved to not make dinner after the comments about it so I left him to figure his own out. 

It all worked. He sang and talked to himself. I didn't mind, I wondered if now he's trying to fill space? He's always wanted to sing and talk but I did instead? Dunno. Keep going. 

It wasn't bad. I enjoyed it more. 

Cayate!

How do you spell that?

Need to think here. Ironically, I've had nothing to say for my blog, but I'm talking too much at home. Slava says "I talk but don't listen". Fair. Slava also timed me at 62 seconds yesterday as the longest time I was quiet. Fair. 

And I'm in defensive mode so bear with myself here. I saw him writing on his arm and decided to stay quiet about it. Bit my tongue. I had just commented on the fact that the grocery list wasn't being used, and that's at least the 3rd time I've asked for that to be done and according to my own rule - 3 is the end. But I don't end. So much to unpack here. 

Yesterdays I was listening to JBP and the Flood. The Chaos when the rug is pulled out from under you. How prepared are you for the Flood? How will you respond? What will you learn in the Underworld, because there's information there to inform you, and get you into formation. 

Some chaos appeared, and herein I unpack it. And set myself straight. 

Lev said the above things about slava this morning, after I'd repeatedly asked him to get out of bed and he didn't. Nagging. Of course I'm hurt and defensive, but readily admit that I'm so fucking tired of talking. Then why do I keep talking?!

Signs: Other day in car, Aurora asked to listen to music. It was a relief, I could think about something else during music. I joked to myself that maybe that's her way of saying she doesn't want to hear me talk. I didn't follow up on that thought, but I should! There was a sign - I didn't heed it! The information: they're OK with music, I had the idea that they didn't like it. 

But wait on this - you're missing a point here. Why do you feel the need to fill space with talking?! Hmmm. That's the real issue too. I fill space with talking. I talk to myself. I talk to Nova. I talk. That can change, I talk outload as a way to connect (or so I tell myself) but just dial it back. 

What happens in the car? A Backwoods Girls effect. I'm fully aware of it, often rein it in. But no enough. I get....stuck in thinking. OK, information. I don't need to fill that time in the car. Just play music. Or sit there, drive. Remember the day we bought the wardrobe, and I marveled at how LA and slava could enjoy the silence? And I followed suit and stayed quiet. I liked it!

I fill out a Weekly calendar page with stuff to do during the day. Water plants, bird feeders, kombucha, practice music. Slava had asked why I do it. I said, it helps me plan. But no one really does what I write! It's like talking to empty space. So, information. I took away the page and I'll stop doing it. 

I keep asking for things to be done, and they don't get done. Here especially the nagging starts. I have the 3 times rule, but I'm breaking it. Refill the water pitcher. Put dishes away. Is this item ready to be put back? Why is there a mess on the counter. (all things I say on a regular basis). Yet this and so much more continues to happen. So, I mention (NAG) it again. I realize now that I was in a cycle of repeating these things to no improvement, so I'd nag more - and it's not working. That's information. Just stop mentioning it, because it's not changing anyway. 

I get frustrated that I make the family calendar that no one uses. I make meals that no one asks for. I make lunches I don't get thanked for. The realization - no one is asking for these things. I can stop doing them. ?

I ask in Chat that people quit piling breakable dishes. I didn't work verbally, so I switched to Chat. Think about that!! It's a nag. I asked in Chat to find clay tools. I'd asked verbally. He hasn't looked. That's simple, he doesn't get clay tools. I ask for finance pages to be filled out. They don't get filled out. That's easy. No buying and no interest on the account. I'm nagging them to do these things, and they don't, and why then do I keep nagging. That's information. 

Now, is it retaliation to hold the line and say, no interest and no tools and no etc because you didn't do as asked? Think on that... They are old enough and I asked and dangled the carrot. They lose the carrot, that's all. And I lose the need to nag. 

Ironically, at work I'm known for being quiet and reserved. 

The Backwoods Girls effect. Yeah, I hear myself doing it and it sucks. I have the simultaneous feeling of not wanting to say it, yet I'm saying it anyway. I'm so much better and stopping and not even starting lately, but I'm still doing it. So, information, if you don't want to say it then don't. 

I ask them to practice music, but aurora doesn't. Now this is definitely a nag on my part, but I'm fucking PAYING FOR THIS and taking time away from work and I thought we'd agreed that they would practice yet they don't and here there's a real problem for me. This is maddening. I so want to cut off lessons and quit paying and get my shit done for work, so I can do want I want to do for me. 

And as I'm typing this, I defensively think of all the times I was quiet. And goddamn that's information too. It's proof that you can. I can be quiet, I can bite back the thoughts, I can leave them alone. You Can!

But let's separate the issues. 

1. Retaliation for music - JFC they're just kids. Pay the last lesson and reconsider for next year. 
2. Nagging about missed chores - it's not working, just do it or leave it for someone else to see. Defensiveness says that if I leave it LA might see and I'll be justified for being upset. No, not really.
3. Backwoods Girls - hey, I'd LOVE to listen to my music or a podcast. I really thought they didn't like it But a So win/win. 
4. Filling space - not needed. Bad habit. 
5. Weekly task list - waste of time. It's a written nag. Same with the text messages. 
6. Nagging LA to come to bed - ugh, this one I did stop doing. I wasn't winning helping him either way. 
7. I don't want to do things but I do them unasked for - oh fucking easy - stop doing them. 
8. I take time away from work to help them, in this line music lesson. I give up here, it's only one more weekend anyway. 
9. I take up time doing things not asked for. OK, I don't need to do it then. Why do I do it?!
10. I take up time traveling for them, yet get comments about how my family weekends (all 2 of them this year) took up their time. I can fix that for a win/win. I don't need to travel! I'll stay home and enjoy the time while they get the peace and quiet of me not being there. 

WHY DO I SEE THIS AS WINNING OR LOSING? There's information there too. This isn't a competiton. It's a family. And I'm the one with the problems. I'm the one causing problems. 

I'm still being defensive. At least this morning I realized it and gave lev the coffee. 

This isn't the Flood. It's a spill. Once I get past the defensive reactions, I can see room for improvement. 

100 days; Parents in Nashville

Running and walking, about 20 total miles a week give or take. No Fit plus lately, off habit. 

100 days to go, I haven't written much. I'm focusing on too much. I'll come back to this later. The wash machine just finished, the AC guy is outside, and I'm distracted. 

July starts with a Bang

Tuesday STRENGTH fit plus lower body
Today RUN 3 miles in 32 mins - Hills!

I feel good, strong, like my body is responding to the work. I look forward to SV with this!

I laugh at myself, how I think that 1-2 days of "good" can somehow outweigh weeks of "bad". 

Yesterday night was the MRI for head and neck, for the face twitch. No reply yet. Remember the MRI from the ankle in 2021? I meditated on change and future. Here the same. In my head, I was in the Compton House, Soulard House, bakery, WUSTL lab, bathtub, parking lot - the various places my memories snag on. About M, Balrog, more M. In these, I was watching myself. And in the bakery, I made the stuff but didn't eat it. This was new. 

At the very end, as they restarted the machine to include contrast, I started seeing Future Me in Whites Creek. This is also new. I couldn't see my face, but my body. Like I was seeing myself from the back. My hair was the hardest to see. I'd look at Future, then at Me, and see the difference. Then the scan ended!! I wanted more time with her!!

Yesterday was all goals done and all purple!!!!

NSV for June; Goals for July

Friday 5 RUN in 33:40-ish; 3 miles was in 32:40 - no walking goal
Sunday 1 mile RUN TT in 8:15!

Monday 3 miles RUN in 31:40ish with a few short walks

The Breakthrough of realizing I can run, I'm not injured, I can I can I can. This lead to a breakthrough of 1 mile from 10:02 to 8:15. 

GOALS for JULY: Run 6 miles in a run, walks are OK but minimal; and 1 mile TT in under 8:05

Last week I started 75Hard again and the Cheat Meals are better defined and HARD to skip: rice, oats, RC FB PB dates applesauce. I'm still in mug meals and unmej but those alone are tough. I keep trying the Just One and the It's the Weekend and It's Just One. I win. 

The NSV - still no scrubs but bra is better, yet that could be hormone fluxy stuff. 1384 to 1362. Eh, but it's only really been the last half of the month and only really this last week since I got really on board to change. 

No dump mugs of instant oats. No dates in PB. No rice and rice, and more rice. Those 2lbs aren't much and they might not be real Change in that I see this flux up/down. So GOALS for JULY: Scrubs dammit; and under 134. 133. 

Other goals of walking in the evening: 6/7 last week
And goal of bullet journal: good
Goal of lowering carbs: good but it doesn't show because I wasn't logging before
Goal of 3x Fit+ on non-run days: only 2/3 last week

I'm on board for the 50K on my birthday, LA wants to join. He'd better get training.