In spite of ankle stress, doing good

NOTHING I'd planned a Fit+ session, but just....hung out with LA and made his breakfast and finished the nuthatch line and wash painting

Yesterday came home and kinda back into the Moria habit. Home to Moria, less Home to Chore. Then noms on grapes, cream cheese, etc. Even a stupid nom on coconut aminos and nutritional yeast. WTF. 

I didn't sit down to one meal. I did a split meal like my old bad habit. Under the justification of "well I'll just eat a little bit now, then eat with LA later". It didn't work. I don't see all of it at once, and I think that would help.

Ankle doesn't have terribly much bruising. Yesterday I was able to slowly walk, but not good at all on stairs, stretches, unstable. I had trouble walking down our driveway last night with the dog. I had to have LA hold the dog, while I held onto him. 

I did good yesterday on the "45 mins other workout": art, stained glass, and russian. Some days, I just don't want to start but remember next time that I'm always glad I did it afterwards!

In spite of ankle, a win yesterday

STRENGTH 20 mins upper, plan to do 10 mins core later

Late morning, I'm moving slow and so was LA. Last night he wrapped it for me. I slept poorly, waking a lot with pain but today so far it's much better. Still wrapped. Didn't bring the crutch. 

Yesterday only some extra veg, cott cheese, chicken, and salsa. Way less than usual. Still as full. 

I'll rearrange to do indoor Fit+ stuff until I can walk again. Gotta find a way to walk the dog though. 

Want to try scrubs, feels different, but that's imagination. 

4 days in. 30 days x 4 started. Rolled right ankle!

RUN 4+  miles WALK with a few jogs - 2.88 miles in 45 mins

I've finished 4 days of no FB and no RC. 

While jogging down to the mailbox to mail Jess' long over due letter (reached zero to-do btw) I somehow stumbled over my right foot and rolled my ankle, hard. Now 2.5 hours later, at work, it burns, still swelling, not yet bruised. I continued my walk, changed goal to 45 mins, included dog walk, managed the anxiety somehow. My stomach turning and heart racing. I have a long day ahead, meeting after meeting and suddenly the walk to Vantage is stress. 

This weekend was more stress too, as I perceptibly and obviously and undoubtedly gained weight. I can feel it especially in my thighs. Just looking at them sitting in the car, wearing shorts, the daily 75 Hard photo - all day, all the time, everywhere, doing anything. It's a smothering feeling, always on the brain, a panicky mindset, I want to do something anything something, but what can be acutely done? 

Oh, funny you ask. What did I do? Managed my stress in Moria, with de-loo-loo and ignorance and Queen of D thinking. 

So I plan and I think and I set goals and write shit and map things out - but that's the Planning phase and not the Action phase. The motivation is a waning thing, by getting home I'm mentally wiped and I have All The Excuses as to why. 

Based on the current audiobook - awful but whatever - ID your 3 main goals, figure out the behaviors and habits and (forget) that need to stop or start. Write Them Down. 

1. Weight
    I'm ignoring the reality of what I'm doing -->Log It ALL, ahead of time
    I'm distracted and mindless --> Turn off the damned phone
    I'm not following my plan --> Prepack to make it easy, and stick to it

2. Productivity, especially at work
    I'm wasting time on the internet/phone junk --> No MSN, Reddit, or NYT at work
    I have a list of things to do, but no Goal --> Set the daily goal, like the WTD
    I go week after week, where's the progress --> Set a weekly goal too

3. Moria
    I come home to Moria, first and foremost --> Walk the dog, do chores, all pre listed
    I'm eating at the c-top, random --> put it on a plate, photo-worthy, sit at the table
    I'm mindless and rushed and wasting at all points --> Wait, sit, focus

I've said all this before!

But my scrubs don't fit AT ALL yesterday. AT ALL. Like, not snug but past snug and can't pull up all the way. So. I'm breaking up the next 180 days until my 50th birthday into segments. 

Today - May 27 is the 1st 30 days. By then, the scrubs need to fit. This is ridiculous.

I have my ankle up during the meeting. Ice pack on it. Gawd, it hurts. 

WHY because scrubs and PCP initial appointment. 

Same again. 10 beads.

RUN 4.1 miles in about 47-49 mins

Same again last night. Home to Moria. Don't leave Moria and stay until it's too much. I wanted to curl in to a corner, find the answers, sit in the dark. 

10 beads to follow. 
You've overcome a Balrog

You've overcome a Monster

You've overcome Azuc

You've overcome Disney

You've overcome self-destruction

You will overcome RC

You will overcome FC

You will overcome C-top

You will overcome overage

You will overcome self-sabotage 

75Hard again, Day 1

Much better today. Last night, Ugh.

STRENGTH 30 mins upper

Sunny, bright day. Dog not eating much still since Sunday's travel, now eating grass and throwing it up. 

After thinking yesterday through and trying to find small improvements to start with - no rejections of LA. Just go with it, it's important to him. 

After thinking yesterday I'd do OK at night, I came home to a cookup meal standing, random, off plan, too much, FB and RC. The latter started with a potato in which I'd add "a normal amount of FB". Then a RC, in which I'd "just have half a one with a normal amount". FAIL. 

But I didn't count it as a fail. But I should have. I woke up this morning to realize the things I FORGOT to add. And I have CO today. 

Feels like mess. 

Day 1, with concessions. Argumentative. In my head.

RUN 4 miles in 45:45, all good

Totally in my head all morning. Critical, harsh, depressed, stuck in the past, worried about the future. 

While running, I'm coaching the backwoods girls in how to run, when they haven't even asked. I'm arguing with LA about his comment this morning (I've twice said that I'm taking the AA battery out of the weed sprayer, he says to keep it bc it's cheaper to buy the refill, then when I say "no" he accuses me of being argumentative). [Put it on your to do list, now]. Yes it's cheaper. No I don't want more shit accumulating in the garage. 

That sounds like two different problems, but just take out the battery and get rid of it. 

I'm worried about him leaving, constantly it seems. What I do doesn't seem good enough. Saturday night he hinted and hinted that we wanted his spaghetti squash cooked to Arlette. Finally I did it, after he wouldn't do it himself. Then we didn't eat it, and wanted to know why I left it out on the counter (because I thought he wanted it). Finally last night, he's complaining that I didn't pick the seeds out for him!? 

I feel like sex for him is an entirely experience different for me. He gets stress relief, emotional something, release, happiness. I don't. I get the pain at first, the waiting for anything physical, the lack of anything physical, then the fear that he'll be unhappy. I've turned to being grateful that he's not outwardly unhappy as a way to make myself feel better about it. 

I don't know how something that can feel so nothing for me, can be so amazing for him that he keeps wanting it. I often feel like a place he can just put his dick. In my mouth. In my ass. In my pussy. Were I to lose one or more of those, I fear I'd lose him. 

It's not that I don't enjoy the sex. Instead I enjoy the time with him, otherwise it's work and chores and youtube. But I experience it so differently. I want something different from it. If I could put that in words, I need to tell him. 

Fail Saturday. Fail Sunday. Now it's Monday.

Saturday RUN 4.2 in 49 mins

Sunday Travel so nothing

Monday today STENGTH 30 mins of total, rainy out so not much am walk.

Failed both days AGAIN due to FB and RC. I tell myself "Well keep it normal and it's OK". Don't totally abstain but be normal". FUCKING HELL. 

OVER OVER OVER numbers. No progress. 

Easter Monday. Start again. I'm not normal, there can't be a normal.

Mind is a mess after 14 hours yesterday in the car to take kids back. Saturday I had a (100% my fault) stupid conversation with Arlette when I started thinking out loud, then forced my opinion into her life about women being treated differently (at the VW, noting how LA handles the tires differently) and WTF did I do that and WTF didn't I apologize?! I still can do that, and am mentally writing the letter in my head. 

Then a mess after LA time this morning and I just don't feel physically things right now. I'm numbed to things. Depressed. Stressed, most likely. Like I'm waiting for something. 

Talking to Mom and Dad (50 years!!) Saturday and mom said, referring to herself, that CONTENTMENT is needed. And I realize, I'm not content. 

But what does that mean. Add it to my to do list.