Keep finding Parts

And some of them are vocal but not identified. I fail to clearly visualize the Parts, do I need to? That Future Me that I'm supposed to clearly see - what if I can't? I see everything but the face. 

Bad days the last few weeks, rushed and stressed. Well the days are good but the nutrition, exercise, relaxation aren't. I haven't painted or stained glassed in ...weeks? Maybe next week at the end of spring break. 

I'm feeling and seeing the effects of this. Clothes aren't fitting like they used to! I don't feel energetic or strong. Each day I get through it doing what I can. But at the end of the day, it's fatigue and regrets. 

M3 is a particular problem, as in like, Really A Problem. Yesterday was the first day in ...? that I've been able to NOT fall into Moria, NOT go to bed feeling sick, and NOT regretting it all. Keep that up!

CEO of StagNation: Protectors and Exiles

From a Hubermann podcast, a totally new approach for me of identifying and working on issues. I'll need more time for this later. For now, I'll start by saying that one of the Parts, not sure who, called me the CEO of Stagnation and asked who put me in charge. 

What is the opposite of stagnation? Sidetrack. Amelioration? Is this AmeliaNation? ha. 

So who said that? A louder Part, a vocal one, the one that been doing most of the complaining. 
Amelia. Another sidetrack. 

This louder voice and I need to work together. As the leader (seemingly) of the other parts, talk and work this out. 

I'm listening to the audio book, not entirely focused on it. But what change could I do right now, today? 

Yesterday's CEO comment from... the Vocal One. This is the one that yells and cusses and demeans me. Where did that one come from? I can "see" many other parts, this one seems to speak for multiple? For the Azog, Moria, Blerch bandwagon. When I'm wrong, lazy, off-track. 

Where do I feel it? 

JBP: the aim is possessed by the substance of addiction

AH...He's been sober more than four years now he got out of there and never looked back and I wonder now, whether something something must've changed in his brain by adopting what it was essentially a different structure structure, but wasn't doing it before extreme consequences were on the table at that time When he went in weren't enough something about going there and the work that he did there allowed him to then it's almost like he got another prefrontal cortex. 

JBP...well that's not a bad way of thinking about - that people are trying to do when they Pray. So you can invite in spirits to possess you. That's a good way of thinking about it. I know that's odd terminology but that's what you do when you dwell on your rage right? Imagine that you're doing that in the most positive possible direction, so what you're doing is your generating a hypothesis about the motive conduct and perception that would best help you if you were ideal, and then establishing a relationship with that, and inviting it in that's what the evangelical protestants are doing when they formulate a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. That's exactly what they're doing. 

... This is another insistence that's derived from the religious literature, so, because the idea is that if your aim is the pathway forward to that will make self-manifest, and that's true. You could think of our perceptual systems and our emotional system as navigating tools, right? So now the addiction, the addicted brain, see the aim is possessed by the substance of addiction, right so now the highest God is cocaine so now all pathways in the world, our pathway to cocaine all objects in the world are markers on the pathway to cocaine cause it just dominates, but it's not it's not just an impulse it dominates the perceptual landscape as well. Well that makes the emotional landscape and it comes with all these rationalizations that's all those lies. Right,the whole thing,whole personality, brutal, brutal.

900 days. But not 1 day.

I'm on a streak off the RC&FB, today is 7 days. WIN.

I'm not exercising. I'm eating more. My clothes are ....eh.... not good. FAIL. Fixable Fail. 

No art. No Russian. WTH happened?!

How did I get so suddenly busy? How did 75Hard just completely disappear?

I thought (and that's the problem, I only thought about it) about starting a "perfect m3 streak" on 901 days, even actually delayed it until Tuesday as Monday was only 900 and then the counts don't match up. Ugh. I didn't get day 1 last night. 

Last night was so bad, that I woke up this morning still remembering all that I didn't put into MFP. I logged it. The remembered more.

Coach P, BLE, everyone else - PLAN AHEAD. 

And I need better meals, they just get.... unsatisfying. 

1975

This sign at Vantage today for Karen B's birthday. I sent it to Jess. She's thinking Ol Chap tattoos!

246 days.

I did today make a notebook with a problem per page, and wrote solutions and observations on the pages to make to do's to fix or thoughts. 

WIN. And if I can do today, I'll have 5 days of WIN

No RC or FB yesterday. Tomorrow we leave for MO, stay until Sunday. So I just gotta get this streak started. I can feel the fx of the past week in my clothes. It sucks. 

Long letter to Jessica this morning, overdue, and a Life Lament about "how life is so hard and why do I feel this way" and I realized a few days ago and today that yes, this is life, and this is how it is, and UNLESS I CHANGE then THINGS WON'T CHANGE.

I talked with Mayara Tuesday, her life in Ohio sounds the same as it did in Michigan. The boss. The husband and his health. The stress. I told LA that she physically moved but didn't move in habit. In saying that to LA, I realized - I'm talking about myself! I moved to MI, moved to TN, but didn't CHANGE how I frame life. 

I see life as repeating days of chores, packing meals, getting up and getting to bed. I see it as an endless list of things to do. A list of things I'll never get finished. 

And as I'm thinking all this, I'm keeping front and center the facts that my sister does this and I don't hear her complaining. LA has WAY more to do than I do, making my list look short. So reality check. 

But just like I can't compare my life and happiness to others, like they say about social media peoples, I need to work on me. 

Writing the letter to Jess got a lot out of my head and seeing it on paper was a good thing to see. 

I grabbed a tiny notebook to write down what's bothering me, the reality of it, my choices to address it, and just get a look at what's in my head. 

Yesterday I finished both Pride and Prejudice as well as Jane Eyre. I started Wind in the Willows, a book I received as a gift in 19-fucking-86 and still haven't read. Talk about things lingering on the to do list. 

Yesterday another FAIL. Today - so far, so good

Yesterday - home to Moria, stuck in Moria, alone in Moria. RC. FB. M-ish. 

Afterwards, felt awful. Mentally, not so much physically. 

Today - optimistic. It's a "snow day" and it could have been a PTO or WFH day. But I couldn't. Because Moria. A conveyor belt of fails. 

I want to continue sitting here and figuring this all out. But I've been doing that for years. And what have I figured out? 

The sesh with the mayo and sugar and bite has been on my mind a lot recently. Abyss. 

I want to lay out Goals and figure out the problems. I can type all day long, but the problem isn't here, it's in Moria.