Failed. Knowlingly. RESTART.

 Failed on Thanksgiving. Knowlingly. Like, I'm doing it and thinking this would normally be a restart. Justifications. Bitch voice. 

I'm looking at my bottle. "I killed a Balrog. You are so outclassed it's not even funny."

I've killed a Balrog. I've killed a Monster, but no, really the Monster has just changed and I need to kill that too. 

Make the definite list of rules Gawd Fucking Damn is that all you got?!

You have the list. Get it out. Fucking hell, all morning you've been breaking it. WFH is tough. Get over it and get GOING. 

Failed again. Restart again. Bought the App. Day 1

 Yesterday on Tuesday I failed again. I failed last week on Tuesday too. How many fails is this? OMG I just counted and it's the 8th restart. My 9th Day 1. 

Started 9-25. Restarted 10-3, 10-7, 10-13, 10-24, 11-4, 11-13, 11-19, and now 11-26. JFC. 

I'm at a loss, but not really, because this is what I've been doing for years. I'll start tomorrow. I'll start Monday. I'll start the next moon phase. I'll just restart, and all will be well. 

This is some sort of failure/denial mindset. It's OK to fail, I'll just restart. I'll deny there's a problem, I'll just restart. 

Tomorrow I want to be 123. Then another tomorrow 117. Then another tomorrow 112.
Tomorrow, will never come at this rate.

I've been toying with the idea of buying the app, but since I already had free apps I hesitated to spend the $7 for it. Over the weekend I set up one of my apps to show the streaks, this took a few minutes of repetitive clicking. Then it bothered me that water, workouts, reading, and photos were all perfect at 60-some days, but meal plan was low at less than 10. It led to thinking.... if I reach 75 days for workouts, will I take a day off or will I start to slack on the "finished" goals, while I wait for meal plan to reach 75? No, I wouldn't. But why would I even think that!

I've said before, the meal plan is the hardest for me for a few reasons. These bad habits are really entrenched, you could find these same goals 10 years ago in this blog. Also, this is the one habit that is so open to individual interpretation and definition. 

Even though I set the rules by while meal plan was to be followed, I continue to fail. If I'm following my James Clear Atomic Habits, it stands to reason that my environment could be improved to increase the likelihood of success.

Rules for the meal plan:
1. Follow BLE: No sugar, no flour, measured per plan, and no between meal snacks

For me this also meant:
1. Stop nibbling before M1 at the house, and have M1 as one meal not two
2. Prepack M1 and M2, especially for weekends when it's the hardest to follow
3. Come home, walk the dog, change clothes, feed the dog, have an apple, then do stained glass, meditation, play with dog, maybe get the 2nd workout done, have a sit-down M3 that was imaged, and eat that and only that. 

#3 falls apart at feed the dog. Enter Moria -->eat. The rest of the sequence falls apart. A few days I nailed this last week, and it felt great. How can I change my environment? 
1. Put the apple on a table either in the stained glass room, or by the book I'm reading. Not in Moria to feed the dog
2. Prepack M3 on a nice plate ahead of time to avoid prepping-noms
3. Meditate before the apple, just 2 minutes to calm down and derail this
4. more?

Really, it's so simple:
1. Don't do like yesterday with prep noms and half-sit eating and post M3 noms. Don't keep coming back for more. 3 dates only. I was feeling way too full after yesterday, and way too disappointed after I'd logged 800+ calories in just 3 hours. Hence restart. 

What is going to be different by having the app? Oh, I don't know. More invested? 
And day 2 is going to be at home for Thanksgiving! Then day 3, 4, 5 at home too!

Today will be day 3

 Day 3, really following the rules and feeling better for it. I'm not stuffed at bed time, I'm up early and eager to workout. 

LA started surgical path rotation this week and has long hours. Ugh, it's hard to spend so much time alone, waiting to hear from him. He's grumpy, but I'll roll with it. 

Don't blow this! 

We Who Wrestle With God

 Day 1, again, due to more RC and BS yesterday. Today is the day the new JBP book comes out. Yesterday I again listened to the RealAF pods about 75Hard. The meal plan part, the only one I struggle with, seems like it's glossed over. With the other rules, there's an Answer. One Photo. Ten Pages. Two workouts, 45 mins. One Gallon. 

For the meal plan, and let me settle in to write up my excuses here, it's not so clear-cut. I told myself I'm following BLE. Those rules are:

1. No sugar
2. No flour
3. Three meals with no snacking, as in a schedule
4. Controlling portion size, as per the meal list, meaning to weigh the foods

Well #1 and #2 are pretty stellar. #2 is a zero intake. #1 is the occasional dried mango, coconut milk, I think that's it. 

#3. When I'm at work, M1 and M2 go ok because I'm not near Moria. Weekends, forget it, I'm in the depths. M1 sometimes I eat half before I leave then half at work, so the meal is split. (Need to mention though that I've worked on the habit of not adding to M1 successfully. Weekdays, I mean). 

#4 reads just like #3. It depends on where I am. 

M3 is the mess. I've successfully changed to come home through the front door, take dog to mail box, go to closet to change and wash up. Then the habit chain breaks because I go to Moria to feed the dog. Last night I stood at the counter eating turkey with my fingers. Then a few bites of cottage cheese. Then half an apple "for the walk", then another slice of apple, then the rest because I couldn't wait. Walk, then broccoli and tomato sauce, grapes, grapes, dates, more full. 

M3 is also harder because sometimes LA is home early and we eat. Sometimes he's home late and I've already eaten. I don't know if I can set a time like "8pm" but I can set the rules of the time. 

So before I go home tonight and face another restart, here are my 75Hard Meal Plan Rules!

1. Minimize the split of M1 because it just leaves you hungrier. Wait until work, you'll live. 
2. Have an apple when you get home and that's it. Transition this to nothing as the habit grows. 
3. Do chores - feed the dog and then 3 mins stained glass and 2 mins meditation while the dog eats. 
4. From here - figure out when dinner will be before coming downstairs, consulting LA and stopping to think about it. Walk if you can, otherwise wait to walk after for an earlier dinner.
5. Get out the plates, bowls, utensils, etc along with your food list. Build the plates, all of them. 
6. Take a photo of the plates. 
7. Put the phone away, or set to video, no hunched interaction.
8. Sit the fuck down and eat. No c-tops. Slow down, and have a MEAL.
9. Get up and LEAVE. Brush your teeth! Then do dishes.

There, that's 8 rules for M3. I like 8! But this is still not clear-cut and simple. Pick the major points. 

butter and rice cakes, but no restart

 I didn't feel sick, I adjusted other things, I omitted oatmeal, I ate too much turkey and not enough veg.

I can't keep falling back on the restart. It's 50+ days of everything else PERFECT. I could be DONE by xmas but no, I keep restarting. It's like I fall back on the restart because it's so easy to do. And since I don't see a need to stop or I don't see a deadline, I just shrug it off and restart like it's no big deal.

And speaking of that type of response, I saw that today at work in the HR meeting. The shrug-it-off I'm-still-a-happy person response to being presented with serious problems. 

I'm not doing that, am I!?!?!?!? 

I would like him to take things seriously, really get deep and introspective, and look for ways to change. 

And I want that for ME too. 

Why do I think it's OK to mess and up and just restart? I have a "I'll start Monday" mentality because there have been no direct repercussions to my choices. There are though!! The lack of change, means there is no change!

Aside from all this, I'm so awake, clear, energized, focused, clean -- this does feel good. I want to rev up the workouts after reading that they are supposed to be "sweaty" and difficult, not just brisk walks. I'll mix it up better. 

Restart for mango

Title says it all. I restart today because I ate dried mango last night after setting it as a Not My Food. 

Day 1. I am upper 40's for the days walking, reading, drinking, photo'ing. This one thing - the meal plan. Something needs to change. (me).

To be clear, I can exercise for 1.5 hours a day, but I can't resist the NMF.

And I'm tracking numbers, and seeing why nothing changes. 

Veteran's Day weekend update

Friday was a Purple! Proof that I CAN DO IT.
Saturday and Sunday - conveyor belts.

I made detailed plans for habit change during the week but didn't include weekends. I would have to do that week by week. Do-able. But for now, get the meals in order. 

I felt sick a lot of the weekend because of this. Just conveyor belting it. I'm always in Moria, they have to notice that.