Summer begins!!

Friday Travel day
Saturday RUN 2.1 miles with LA and kids at home
Sunday Travel day
Monday Memorial Day RUN 2.3 miles with LA and Sl bike, then BIKE 4.2 miles all of us

I worked half a day Friday then we drove to the meet up in Chenoa. My steps count started to fall off starting here! It's hard to get steps with travel. Stayed the night at my parents. 

Saturday we got us and all but Ar joined for a walk/run up the road. That night we stayed at my sister's for a late night of water pistols and Mad Libs. Only a brief issue for me, when I held to my decision to not ride horses, and subsequent anxiety for sticking to my decision, but only after I momentarily agreed and LA paid for my horse. Mild anxiety attack - chest pressure, nausea, stomach upset. This contributed to my upset stomach (did I get glutened or corned?) the rest of the weekend. 

Sunday travel to Michigan and a late evening walk. Then some multisport stuff on Memorial Day!

I keep thinking about starting a marathon training plan. I intend to get on a schedule where I go to the gym and/or train at 5am, then be home to be with LA when he wakes up later. And/or, go to the gym during their phone call in the evening. 

New Moon on Monday, and No M on Monday, another Day 1. 

Emotionally disconnected

 Some biking, some commuting, no running since Sunday

While that sounds terrible, I’m noticing that my balance, flexibility, and range of motion are improving!?

I’ve been into different podcasts lately and after long thinking and listening I’m l Learning that the monster is a coping skill to bury emotions. Over the years it turned into a way for me to bury what I’m feeling and not have to deal with it. Looking back I can remember the first time doing it when I was in my late teens maybe early 20s. What was going on been in my life that would lead me to start doing this?

Dads heart surgery? First boyfriend? Moving to college? I can remember when food became good or bad. I can remember changing what we ate. I can remember the stress of sexual pressure, and change, and it’s all irrelevant now I guess. 

Because here I am in 2022 trying to fix the same problem I can remember back in 199?  1997 in Roseville. In kitchen with garbage can. In college of Natural Sciences building. 

All in the past. But then there’s 2014 garage. Blue bowl and spoon. Lara and jelly. 2015? soft mints. Moria at Wyoming. Moria in Soulard. Moria in Michigan. 

This will continue and nothing will change, until something changes. 

I swore change a year ago, pre ankle surgery. I swore change when LA moved. I swore change after the dog bite. I swore change after hip surgery. I swore change sitting in my truck in Kansas. 

Moons, haircuts, jewelry, rain clouds, wedding. 

Here I am again. Swearing to change. But today I learned more about why - the coping skills. The addiction. The mental and physical reasons for the addiction. If that’s what I can call it? Previously I called it a habit. No. It’s an addiction. 

It takes my thought and time, planning and preparation, want and waste, money and motivation. Justifications, loopholes, reasons, excuses. 

I’ve noted here numerous times that I feel flat, disconnected, depressed. I think now there’s a possibility that I don’t connect with my emotions and I instead bury them. There are times they blow out unexpectedly, a crying and a feeling of being crumpled like paper. I collapse inward under stress. I cry at little things. I’m overwhelmed easily. 

How do I emotionally reconnect? I plan to try sitting two minutes upon coming home and meals. FIked that today, but I rushed all over today. But NO MONSTER! 

Keep learning. And keep loving. 

Free weekend

Friday long day at work, not even commute
Saturday nothing?! Not even the gym which was my goal
Sunday RUN 5 miles with LA in 60 mins
      BIKE 4.4 miles with LA and his new road bike

And I haven't even looked at these numbers yet:
NUMERICS
BIKE 4.4 miles
RUN  11.6 miles
COMMUTE 14.5 miles

It's depressing and good at the same time. I'm transitioning away from the hours and miles I used to be able to do and still expect to be able to do, into what I'm able to do given time available.

All we have to decide, it what to do with the time given us.

Yeah, well too much of my time is in Moria this weekend, I sadly realized that in frustration Saturday of waiting an hour to get a shower while LA was cleaning the garage and in the bathroom I was in Moria. Waiting. Hungry. Full. Frustrated.

Sunday more M. The clock restarted. Again. 

Soon it's one year out of surgery, the same day the kids come here. This has gotta change.

I'm looking at my activity as Movement. Fitness. Motion. Not Training. 

I ran without watching the distance

Thursday RUN 1.23 miles with LA then 3.40 miles on my own
       COMMUTE 7.5 miles

I did the two runs and didn't look up the mileages until later that night, around 8pm! That's new, usually I'm mapping the numbers as I'm running.

The first run was squeezed into the time he had available before work. We did two Fartleks and my garmin showed a max speed of 3:22 m/m! That's peak speed but really it was more like a 4-something m/m. I felt like I could fall at any moment, my legs felt out of control. More like that please!

The second run was left as a "if you want to" thing, and after a few minutes I wanted to! So I did, the high school loop, not looking at the garmin and not rounding up and not caring. Heck, I don't even know my accumulated time.

No M lately, and I'm feeling good about things. I'm relaxing, getting mindful, and being careful to not overschedule.

The devil he knows my name: Embrace Discomfort

Tuesday RUN 2 miles in about 21 mins with LA
      COMMUTE in to work, home? ETA: 

We got up early today to run before the Ruben call. I'm half thinking I could work with him to sort my shit out? I'll see. I don't know. Good run, CHILLY! LA tired and walked a few times.

Last night bought choc chips and PB for lunches and recipes, and no M at the house. Day 2. But overate, overdrank water, and ugh it hurt later. 

Coach replied to my email and recommended a book, I haven't looked at it yet. He said we're all a work in progress, and I should focus on the gains and not the gaps. He also sent to the email group a Monday Motivation email that I need to get into my head, about the feeling of loss of control, edited down and specific to me: 

Hey Tracy!

Feel Like You're Spiraling Out of Control?

You just feel like no matter what you do, you cannot stay on track.

You can’t do anything consistently and it feels like you have zero self-control.

You keep slipping back into old habits no matter how badly you want to change.

You made a commitment so you tell yourself, “Nope. Not going there."

But then you find yourself in the same old Moria again and again. 

This is what feeling out of control can look and feel like.

This is not unusual, it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you, and it definitely doesn’t mean you’re a failure.

It just means you have some work to do to get your control back.

The truth is, you are always in control, it just FEELS like you’re not.

You slip back into old habits because they are comfortable and familiar and easy.

You veer off course because staying on course is uncomfortable and unfamiliar…at least for a while.

You’ve developed a lot of automatic behaviors over the years and changing them requires some work.

The important thing to remember is that it’s not really about being in control or not, it’s more about your willingness to embrace the discomfort of change. 

It’s about recognizing when your brain is trying to keep you safe and comfortable, even if it’s to your detriment.

Eclipse

NOTHINGNESS

We had a weekend in Missouri, and nothing happened training-wise. I'm lucky if I got a decent number of steps in on any of the days. But we're back, it's Monday, and I don't have a plan for the week yet. 

I don't much planned actually, except to springboard off the eclipse and get back to my food goals which have slipped in the last few weeks.  He was in the hotel with me and the kids this weekend. M, like Earl in the song, needs to die.

So once again I'm recommitting, and instead of focusing on food and training I'll just focus on the one. I'll enjoy fitness for now. But I'll admit to thinking about either Hennepin 50K or AA26.2 in October. 

I watched the moon slip into shadow at 11:29 ET from my parent's house. I didn't stay up to watch it come back out. 1129. Good number!

I will not tolerate you

You lie
Cheat and steal
How can I tolerate you?

I will not tolerate you
I will go down beside you
I must go down beside you

No one is innocent 

On my walk last night, on my run this morning, more than I could count - I wished I could start over again with Coach Patrick and experience the changes in my current headspace.

I think I failed with him, I failed to disclose the problems and I failed to address them head-on. Some problems weren't his to deal with. But the progress I made physically has been lost and I want to go back. 

Lost doesn't have to be lost forever, I can still make the changes. I analyzed the changes and looked for correlations. Net and carbs haven't changed, well carbs are slightly up, but they didn't correlate. And besides I know I'm lying about the net anyway. But what the net doesn't reflect is the benefit of the running, and that did correlate. As the mileage went up, the weight went down. 

Then M came back, right around when I stopped running so much. And together - the up and the down - culminated into a gain of loss, so to speak. 

Going back to the beginning. I spent a week observing, then seeing what doesn't work and what needs to change. 

I need to stop it with M. First and foremost and that if nothing else. I need to get fucking honest, quit lying to myself. Do morning thought-dumps. And set goals so as to learn to trust yourself. 

I know I need to fix dinner meals, it's a mess. It's most of the mess, actually.