Thursday run to LP

 RUN 4.5 miles in 46 mins, to LP

OK this felt much faster than 46 minutes. Where did I lose time? Looks like I was slower the first two miles and picked up the pace as I got to LP. Ugh. 

We all agreed to cancel the Thursday run today because of rain. All night, all morning, rain. In the end, it wasn't raining all that much at 6am, but I used the opportunity to sleep in so it really didn't matter. 

This is now the third run in three days - no issues! Aside from the tight right knee and some foot bones feeling sensitive and the right leg hammy feeling. Yeah, no issues.

I'm a bit stressed today, I gotta decide what my travel plans are this weekend. I see 4 things I need to take care of: 1) visit to grandma, family, and Aunt D; 2) LA in A2; 3) work!; and 4) responsibilities of errands and dog care.

1) Gma's housing facility is having covid issues, and Aunt D is coming back to see her. I've promised my family I'd be home "soon" so the expectation is that I'll be there this weekend. So this is top priority.

2) Seeing LA - he's busy and shouldn't be wasting time driving, but see below as it pertains to me driving. This would be the first weekend we don't see each other! I hate to break our streak! But he comes 2nd to family this weekend.

3) Work. Work has been more than flexible with my schedule, thanks to a great work family and the covid. I can kinda come and go as needed. Today I meet with the boss regarding my upcoming move, and I'm VERY aware lately of my lack of productivity. Guilt! I'd like to leave today for home (thursday) and I'd like to take Monday and Tuesday off to see LA, but I just can't.

4) Errands. Gotta get my flu shot, get the dog's prescription, get a card mailed, buy 2 birthday cards, and that's all the errands and ignoring all the other shit I wanna get done - like paint the exterior parts of the house while it's still warm enough for it. And the dog - I can't run the dog all over the midwest and expect her to be happy. So I'm trying to find a balance of get things done without being too hard on her. And me.

As usual, I'll make everyone else happy first. And in the end I may or not be happy, as that's not the goal. Ugh. 
So here's the plan: 
(I just accidentally found out that if I hold shift and hit Enter I don't skip a line of text. Cool)
The plan: I work today and tomorrow morning, that way work is "happy" and I'm less guilty. I use the time here to get the errands done as listed in 4. I drive up to Illinois Friday after work to visit until Sunday afternoon.

Then I gotta decide -- come back to St Louis, or go to A2 for Monday and Tuesday? Arrive back to work Wednesday. Or do like LA did last Monday and leave AA super early to work Tuesday afternoon. Ugh.  So that's November 2nd and 3rd. 

LA is coming here November 7-8 for the kids, he's coming back here 14-15 for military duty (I really won't see him much though), and we go to Alaska 21-28, then he's here for December. 

So I'm looking at the days, and realizing that Plan A of coming right back to StL means I don't see LA for 11-12 days :(

Plan B of swinging through A2 from home means I see him in the middle of those 11 days :) and I can maybe put most of the driving late night/early morning? 

Why am I typing all of this here? haha. 

And why do I think it's OK to miss work on Monday, but not Friday? It's no different?

Wednesday in TGP and the songlist additions I forgot to mention!

 RIDE 20 miles in 90 mins, TGP

RUN 4 miles in 40 mins, Fo Pa

Really dark this morning, cloudy and misty and wet, and dark. The headlamps on until almost the end of the 2nd interval! Next week after the time change this will be different, but it will maybe be colder too. So BE and I not sure how much longer we'll keep going. I'm wanting to squeeze in as much as possible, since I started so late. 

The run is now part of the 5x/week pattern, in my phase 2 running plan. I'm keeping Tues and Thurs the same, but adding short 2-4 mile runs on Weds and Sunday. Goal is mostly to increase frequency at first. Then add distance. So I'm holding at the low 20mpw range for now. Today's run altered because BE has a virtual 5K Friday morning, so we planned to run the 4.5 mile zoo loop on Thursday. This means that my midweek goal of 12 miles total is changing from 3.5-2-6.5 to a 4-4-4 sequence, as needed to hit 12 miles. Today I ran during the PCR gels, picking a different than usual course out along Oakland to Hampton, to the middle of FoPa, then back on Clayton. This is the 2nd time now that I've picked a non-standard course for a run - new for me!

I've had a song stuck in my head for a few weeks now, unexpectedly at K-pop song by BTS called Dynamite. I downloaded it for my birthday and forgot to mention it!

"Life is sweet as honey"

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And I forgot to mention that song I happened to hear TWICE on my birthday -- Skin and Bones by Cage the Elephant. I figured it must be a new song to be repeated on the radio, but no, it's from 2019!

Close my eyes and drift into the silence
Barely see the ultraviolet
Slipped and fell into the deep end
Oh, the sidewalks shimmer just like diamonds
All the empty words were flying
Well, the heart was low but I never was alone
I never was alone

I've been running for so long
All that's left is skin and bones
Close my eyes and fight to carry on
Sometimes it makes no sense at all
If I stumble, will I fall?
If I fall I'll tuck and roll
Close my eyes and let the love light guide me home
Let the love light guide me home

Cold and wet track run

 RUN 4 miles in 44 mins, drills in the straightaway

I add that part about the drills to account for the >10m/m pace as reported. 

Cold (relatively, it's in the 40s) and almost-raining and definitely dark means it's not a good idea to bike to the track. Yesterday BE mentioned he'd be driving, that seemed to be the out I needed to drive myself there too.

It didn't quite rain, but it was that rain-imminent mist. The track/XC teams didn't show up so the track lights didn't come on. So we had a dark run the entire time.  I make it sound like it wasn't fun -- it was! We talked a bit about Monty Python skits (Accusative!), his work at WF and the charity drives they do, the issues WF had years ago, etc. The 4 miles tick by. We stopped only because he had a calf cramp, otherwise more miles!

No commute again today because of the rain. And no swimming, unless a wait-list spot opens. And if one does, I'll likely miss it. Gotta get the house ready for the realtor to tour it for the first time tomorrow morning!

Last week of dark mornings

 BIKE 20 miles in 1:29

SWIM (ETA): 1250 yards in 34 minutes

No commute today, it's supposed to rain all day. LA was up at 3am and gone just 40 mins later. I tried to snooze a bit after so I wouldn't think about it, but I only nodded off a little bit. Then felt guilty for it. Now, at 11am, he's still driving and it's still not raining. Oh, maybe it is raining. 

I joined BE for our usual Monday TGP ride. I didn't think we'd have this, usually LA leaves later in the morning and we reschedule the ride for Weds, but today it worked out as a distraction for me too. EW was going to join, but didn't, and said something in the text that she was injured? (she said "lame, literally", BE and I not sure). 

It was dark for most of the first two loops. I think halfway through the 2nd loop I turned off my headlamp. The clouds didn't help any. I dressed heavier today so I wouldn't have the distraction of the cold, and it worked. Even if I was overdressed a teeny bit, I couldn't complain about the cold like I have the past few weeks. It's only going to get worse!

The ride felt good, but I'm terribly aware of my right knee. It has a sort of vague, non-focal pain. Or tightness, or misalignment type of feeling. It's coming out of my hip, where the high hamstrings are tight? Ugh. 

I managed to get a lane at the pool today, it worked better on the computer than on my phone. But I can't always be here, so I'm on a lot of waiting lists for the next few days. 

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The swim! I did it! It rained all day and it's dark at night (not as dark as it will be after the time change this weekend) and it's cold out and I don't have the heat on yet -- so *any other night* I would NOT have left the house again to swim. I woulda stayed home with my space heater and my new warm heated blankie (LOVE IT, thanks LA). But a commitment is a commitment, I'd feel silly to cancel, so out the door I go. 

While in the parking lot, I try to sign up for a 6pm swim on Wednesday, but fail and only get a wait-list. Ugh. 

I had a WU then 2 200y intervals -- both faster than the one at the WH pool on Sunday. Are we sure that isn't a meter pool? These intervals were 4:09 and 4:18 (took a few pauses in the second one to reset form). I just scrolled though some TP.com in 2014 and it looks to be a yards pool. 

Anyway, I felt much better about everything after this swim. LA left this morning to return to A2, I told the boss today that I'm moving, it's cold and rainy, but after this everything was better. 

Numerics. 22.3 mile week running

This was really a rest week! I didn't get to the pool so swim until Sunday -- the YMCA reservation system fills so fast, I was left relying on waiting lists. I got a Thursday afternoon lane, but backed out once I realized LA was working on the house.

I got the Monday ride in, but Wednesday morning after LA arrived I skipped to sleep in with him, and didn't get to it later in the day like I hoped. We did run that night, and I split the Thursday run into a 3+4.5 sequence. So Monday was the only ride. And Thursday the only commute to work.

As for running, this is the first week of my next "phase", the goal of which is 30 miles per week and building slowly to 4-5 runs per week. Not sure how I'm going to fit the bike rides in? It will be cold, I have the Bird on the trainer, but not sure when I'll do it. I'm thinking on it. 

On weeks like this, I hate to say I'm still torn between getting my training (training for what, I dunno) in and visiting with LA. He was here Tuesday night until tomorrow morning. It disrupts my schedule, but fixes my mental state. I guess in his absence, I need the training to fix the stress. 

ETA!!!! LA and I did a late birthday run, 2.2 miles of running and another mile of walking. His route of Polish church to brewery/broadway. Felt awesome -- to run and to just go with the flow of his suggestions. So 22.3 miles!

And 13.8 miles of COMMUTE. Not much!

Happy Birthday Bee!

 SWIM 1050 yards at WH pool, 200TT at 4:15 

Happy Birthday to me!  45 years old, I've cat'd up too but since there are no races going on, it doesn't matter!

So here's my annual birthday post. What a year it's been -- COVID, protests and SJW types, prez elections. But as for me -- LA moved in, got into med school, moved out. I'm finally facing my Dragons, or at least I'm recognizing that I have them. 

This past year has been a whirlwind. October through December I was recovering still from the pelvic bone injury. I feel HARD into old habits in November, I was falling apart as I spent a few months working every single day, all day, unable to be home alone. I had days in November in which I completely fell apart -- M and stress and sabotage. Then Thanksgiving and LA, then Spaceballs then the Russian Restaurant. And from then on -- everything changed, at least on the outside. 

In December we went to the east coast, and I learned that I can successfully travel and I'm not so limited. In January and February I realized I could go with him to med school, this was an up and down period, his success and my fear of him leaving. In March I was sick for a week immediately preceding COVID shutdown, and I came back to a new world. No family, no travel, no co-workers, no shopping. Really my life didn't change much -- I didn't go out much anyway -- but life had completely changed. April and May - cleaned up his house by FLW, and June was my last month with him here. July was a bonus month as plans changed, then he moved. I came back in August alone to an empty house. August was also when I started "training" again, not just light running but a real *plan* with swim and bike too. August, September, and now through October we still see each other each week. The meeting, the leaving, the together then alone, it's stress then calm then loneliness then love. 

And through it all, of course, M. Up and down, stop and start and stop. Like for years. This response to stress, this coping mechanism in my head. As of today, 10 full days without. It's there, it will never really be gone, but I don't have to listen.

What I've been listening to instead, are the voices of Yesterday, which I found a week or so ago. 7 active voices, plus a silent one, plus the current listener. As per Rule #4: Compare yourself to who you were yesterday -- these are my Yesterdays. 

What a weird thing to think, but it helps to know that the stronger person I used to be is still me -- just lost somewhere. From 2014's MiTi feeling of invincibility, 2014's B2B smiling no matter what, 2015's KM100 denial into change, 2016's unstoppable strength, 2018's renewal, late 2018's getting lost and slipping into the depths, to 2019's full submersion into the deep, so Deep I found a Balrog and monsters and dragons and they all came at me. 

To now. 2020's bee. I've clawed my way back up, my fingers on the edge. The monsters still there, some banished back to the deeps, but still below me. I'm stuck in Moria still, and I need to find my way out. 

So my goal for the next year, find yourself again. Leave behind everything here and find a new start. You are still the person you were yesterday, all off them good and bad. The silent voice, that's the voice of the future, and what will that voice say in one year? 

A Day off before a long run!

 RUN 9 miles NON-STOP in 1:30

I rested Friday, took the day off of lab and did LOTS of housework. The bathtub wall and caulk, master bedroom window trim and pain, and the ceiling in that room too. And a few breaks in between :X

This was a much-needed rest! My right high-hamstring and right knee are still "off", but I wouldn't say wrong or injured (or I'm in denial) and I don't know if the run or the bike is a cause or exacerbation of it. 

Saturday morning he took off to FLW area, and I went to work. The plan was to start my PCR and get my run in then. I usually don't run as good mid-day, but this was colder and gloomy than the past few days and I wasn't looking forward to being cold. As per usual, I was overdressed and over-thinking it.

I started around noon, and didn't set my 3 goals for the run like I normally do. So I ran out without any run-walk plans at all. And no set route, and no set goal pace or time. I just went, and a mile or two in I wondered why I always think of this as "must do out-n-back" to get mileage. What would happen if I just wandered the park? 

So I decided to just run, see what I go, but I did stay on the trail. When I got to Skinker I kept going past the campus, and slowly feeling better and better as I go. I didn't even think about stopping for a walk. I didn't watch the Garmin, I didn't count or measure. I just ran. 

And I LOVED IT. Miles 5-7 just flew by. Miles 6-8 might have been the fastest. I felt a little like I could race, and the mental tricks I use to push a little more worked. When it came to mile 8, and opted for one more --9 miles!!

No pains, no problems, and all great. And another no-stress day, like yesterday. 

And -- this was day 10 without the M!